Amaryste Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 This would have not been a question at all had I introduced myself early on in the course we've taken together and I still regret that I did not. I initally found him to be a fascinating person worth meeting, which then transformed into a sort of an infatuation later on. It was not until the last two weeks of class that I had the opportunity of speaking to him. Our two exchanges were brief - twenty minutes each - and then he became a little stiff in regards to his responses during the second encounter. Stiff as in lacking the personable, extroverted charm and continuing flow he usually has in his conversations with other people. He seemed to not be at ease and gave off that aloof, 'cool cat' demeanor whenever he was near me. Perhaps he was showing off, confused about my sudden approach, wanted to create some distance, hurried to be somewhere, concerned about other matters or simply acting as he always did and my mind's just playing around with me. I have no problem taking challenges and risking the chance of rejection in pursuit of my desires. However, I do want avoid scaring the poor guy off as I may have done with the last one by being so assertive. I found his networking website by searching for his name and I wonder how I would be able to message him out of the blue in a friendly, non-stalker-ish way. To make things even more tough, the course ended and he never gave me his name, but I learned it when the professor was announcing the role-call. How would you feel if a female classmate you barely spoke to messaged you on your website (myspace, facebook, livejournal, etc.)? Is there a way to make this possible or do I just have to hope I run into him on campus instead? I'd honestly hate to give up so easily on an interesting character. It's not everyday you meet people who catch your attention in such a way, whether they're the object of your affections or not. Thanks for reading and the comments.
anecdote Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I'd be flattered that someone went to all that trouble just to contact me. Contact him and see what happens. He sounds like me when I am around a girl, I am interested in.
Author Amaryste Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 My male friend said the same thing, but I'm still hesitant. This wouldn't be creepy to you.. at all? That she got your name and punched it into the networking site to contact you? In his case, you barely know this girl, though you've seen her many times in class? He's extroverted or an outgoing introvert from what I can tell. I'm curious - why do you respond this way around girls you're interested in?
anecdote Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 No, it doesn't sound creepy to me, but what I usually do is tell girl I am going to add her and then she knows. However, I don't scream stalker or attention whore, so if a girl who was interested in me added me on facebook, I'd accept with no qualms. I respond that way, because that's just the way I respond, I can't help it. It's nothing personal, I just don't tend to spill drinks and act all nervous around women like some guys do.
atc2410 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 If I was attracted to the person I'd be flattered and happy at being contacted in this way. If I was indifferent or not interested, less so. What was your gut feeling regarding his aloofness during your last conversation? Gut is rarely wrong.
Author Amaryste Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 Anecdote: Your response gives me some more confidence that he wouldn't run off freaking out or be disgusted. If I do decide to message him, could you review my message? There seems to be no PM system on LoveShack.org, hmmmmm. Atc2410: My gut feeling tells me that he's pulling this off on purpose, but my intuition is unsure of the reason why. Or maybe I didn't pay this close of an attention before and interpreted his moves the wrong way when I did. I wished I had carefully observed him earlier so I can determine what I'm over-analyzing and what's reality. If a girl you were indifferent about contacted you, how would you respond to her? Shadowplay: Sooner or later, that's what it is going to boil down to. And thanks guys, the advice is appreciated. If there are any others out there, I'd love to have all the help and view points I can get before I make the final choice.
atc2410 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Actually Amaryste I'd still be flattered. There's a million reasons why he might've held back. Maybe he met someone he liked the weekend before, maybe he's shy, maybe maybe. Personally I like/appreciate confident women so if I was indifferent about a girl I'd certainly be thinking more about her if she contacted me out of the blue.
Author Amaryste Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 Actually Amaryste I'd still be flattered. There's a million reasons why he might've held back. Maybe he met someone he liked the weekend before, maybe he's shy, maybe maybe. Personally I like/appreciate confident women so if I was indifferent about a girl I'd certainly be thinking more about her if she contacted me out of the blue. Wow, that's the same answer my male friend gave. I'll message both you and Atc2410 what I am choosing to write to him, if I go along with this. How can I contact you? I suppose women can be more suspicious of male advances. I know I would be, despite trying to appear cool-headed and relaxed to the other party since I do understand that being the initiator is a difficult task for some. I did the stereotypical thing: I asked one of my female friends for her opinion and she said confirmed my concerns that she would too be put off by this.
anecdote Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I'd be more than happy to help out in anyway I can.
Author Amaryste Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 Thank you for the offer. Now comes in the question of 'how'. How do you want to be contact? I've tried searching for a PM function in the LoveShack forum.
anecdote Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 There doesn't seem to be one does there? Here's my email address, [email protected]
Author Amaryste Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 Alright. I've copied it down and you can feel free to take the address down before the spambots get there first. Hopefully, you'll hear from me in three days. Thanks again. ====== Anymore takers? I'm still open to other opinions including the ones that confirm the previous statements.
eric82 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 you're definitely over-thinking this. i've had girls i only briefly met and who i never told my name look me up and message me. never am i creeped out by it. even with those i'm indifferent towards, it's still flattering. stop worrying about what is the best way and just do it. if he happens to not be interested in you, trust me it has absolutely nothing to do with which way you chose to contact him.
shadowplay Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Make sure the message you send sounds very confident, fun and casual. Nothing emotional. Hey, I randomly stumbled on your profile here. I'm --- from ---- class. I really enjoyed talking to you the other day, and was disappointed I hadn't gotten to know you better before the class ended -- you seem like a cool person. Would you like to grab lunch some time?
Author Amaryste Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 It won't let me remove it. You can use the contact form to request a moderator edit out the email. Make sure you also provide the link so they'll know where to look. In this case, it would be http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1757392#post1757392 (copy the url). you're definitely over-thinking this. i've had girls i only briefly met and who i never told my name look me up and message me. never am i creeped out by it. even with those i'm indifferent towards, it's still flattering. stop worrying about what is the best way and just do it. if he happens to not be interested in you, trust me it has absolutely nothing to do with which way you chose to contact him. The bolded line is by far the best advice suggested to me out of everyone I had asked (friends included.) It makes sense. His interest would depend mostly on his views myself over my method of contacting him. (Though I can account that I had three stalkers before and they could not stop following everywhere I went. Two of the guys would consistently email or call me, expecting a lengthy conversation with them even when I told them I was busy. The further I wanted to be away from these people, the closer they wanted to be. The scarcity principle, much?) Make sure the message you send sounds very confident, fun and casual. Nothing emotional. [sample message] The sample message is unbelievably natural to perfection, how did you do it? Never could I come up with something that casual and cool regardless of how frequently I keep on thinking about it over and over again. I can be very playful and freewheeling, yet even my 'spontaneous' attitude is throughly measured out ahead of time. Part of my anxiety was rooted in how my formality could come off excessively intense and attached. However, I can safely say acting confident and non-emotional is never an issue. Would you mind erasing the sample message or contacting a mod to do it? I'm paranoid about him typing it into the search engine and 'accidentally stumbling' onto this thread. One more question: would it still work given that he does not have profile picture of himself on FB? All the outsider can see is his name and a random photo of a sport. =================== Much gratitude for the three of you. I don't think I would have ever done this without the good, well-reasoned encouragement. Thanks. I'll keep you guys updated on what he says by Friday. Even if he's not into me, at least I took a chance and gave this situation the closure I deeply long for. Finally, I can feel free about moving onto other people who are capable of returning the favor.
Keridan Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I'm a little late to the game, but you said you even wanted confirmations of the other posters. I personally would be flattered as well. Unfortunately, I don't have much to add to the well-reasoned posts above. At least it's one more vote for contacting him
Author Amaryste Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 No problem, the more people who agree with the guys above, the better!
refurb Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Let me get this straight, you've talked to him a couple times and you want to msg him on some social site? I don't think it would come across as odd, but it probably won't really get you anywhere. After making numerous attempts at avoiding directly asking someone, I've learned it's really the only way to go. If you are interested in him, ask him to coffee or something. If he's interested, he'll say yes, if he isn't he'll say no. You'll have your answer. The whole IM/email/texting thing is pretty impersonal I think. RF
Author Amaryste Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 WOO HOO! He responded nicely and contrary to how I had imagined he would. Even though I found out he isn't available for a romantic relationship, I just can't believe my luck. This will definitely be a confidence boost in any future situations like this one. I changed the message around a little to make it more lighthearted and tailored to my style. I left asking him to lunch out -- it seems too much for something too early. Thanks all.
CaliGuy Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 On topic, but not directly at the OP. I find it funny. It's "creepy" or "odd" to approach someone at the gym, but not so by tracking them down online? What defines creepy anyway? I mean, you see someone you're interested in and you use whatever means are at your disposal to introduce yourself. Be it at the gym, school, the grocery store or online. What's really "creepy" and what isn't when it comes to making contact with someone you're interested in? Discuss.
crosswordfiend Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 On topic, but not directly at the OP. I find it funny. It's "creepy" or "odd" to approach someone at the gym, but not so by tracking them down online? What defines creepy anyway? I mean, you see someone you're interested in and you use whatever means are at your disposal to introduce yourself. Be it at the gym, school, the grocery store or online. What's really "creepy" and what isn't when it comes to making contact with someone you're interested in? Discuss. I'm of the opinion that it's not a matter of time or place, but rather depends on who is doing the approaching. If you find him/her attractive, then it's flattering. If you are neutral to him/her, then it's ok. However, if you are repulsed by him/her, then it becomes annoying and creepy. The same approach tried by two people can often lead to very different results.
crosswordfiend Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 I'll just add to this that when you are at the gym, studying, or mentally focused on another activity, the threshold for what you find attractive attention is higher as it has to compete or priority with the other task. So being contacted via the internet, when you're no otherwise occupied is a different situation.
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