Lynettemck Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Hi all I posted a few weeks ago and I'm back. I've come to the decision over the last few weeks that the reason I am finding things so difficult at the moment is that I'm seeing too much of STBXH - I really have no choice in this as he doesn't drive a car (has a motorbike) therefore can't pick kids up to take them anywhere, is sharing a house therefore can't really have the kids to stay there regularly and works in an environment where his days off change from week to week therefore can't get any routine. I will never stop STBXH from seeing the kids whenever he wants, this is how we've managed it for the last 5 months and I am really happy that he comes over almost every night to see the kids and that they have as much contact as is possible but in truth it's not allowing me to move forward and I see him move forward at a much faster pace becuase he has a different life in the house he lives in and I'm still in the same house we lived in. I am looking to move house and have discussed it with STBXH and the kids and all are happy with this - I am hoping this might give me a chance to move forward - it being my house and not our house. Anyway the reason for the post is could someone give me some tips on how to manage this situation going forwards because at the moment I feel I'm going backwards instead of forwards. Many thanks
Author Lynettemck Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Hi just giving my post a bump up in the hope someone has some advice for me..
SingleDad Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Lynettemck - Here is what we did: Once we fired our attorney's and agreed upon parent visitition days/times through a mediator, we moved apart (didn't want to do that too early to avoid "abandonment" charges by the attorney's and lose visitation rights). Our daughter stayed the house all the time and who ever has visitation stayed at the house, the other parent would stay at their parent's house. and vice versa. If it is just the 5-8pm hours... I would say for you to leave the house the whole visitation time and maintain the LC route. Or let STBXH use your car to leave the house - i.e. to take the kids to dinner. A judge may likely force H to own a house and buy a car to be entitled to overnight parenting time. My neighbor was in the situation where they both stayed at the house during his parenting time... He has a GF to party and live with and a wife at home taking care of the kids and had flexible parenting time which he used to spend time with wife. He had his cake and ate it two for over a year - nothing changed. W was sick of it and finally realized that H could not stay with W during parenting time. Either he left with the kids or she would leave. H took the kids to parents house for every other weekend. Hope that provides options.
Author Lynettemck Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Hi SingleDad - My situation sounds exactly like your neighbour's! My stbx has a girlfriend to party with and I'm at home looking after the kids. He comes over and I don't want to vacate my house everytime and also I need to spend time with the kids too. I can't loan him my car as he can't drive - beleive it or not one of the main things that eventually broke us....
SingleDad Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Then nothing will change in your situation - you have to force a change. You should leave the house during his parenting evenings. But you need to sleep in your house if custody is not worked out yet and agreed upon in writing. Your H should not sleep in the house and if H does not have means to drive them anywhere or accomodations for them - He does not get them overnight period... I would think any judge will agree. You will have the majority of parenting time anyway. You do not need to be there if H is there. Use it as time to do your grocery or other shopping or time with friends.
Author Lynettemck Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 So do you think I should structure it more? Currently he is over probably 6 nights out of 7 - I don't want to punish the kids by restricting it and equally I don't want to tell him he can only see them x amount of time a week.....arghh... confused
SingleDad Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Had to go back and look at your earlier post. Now I am confused... How is he over 6 nights every week and he has a GF and you have a BF. How do you each have time for GF/BF if you are together nearly every night. Do you want to move forward with a divorce ? if yes, then yes you have to limit visitation to one of the usual schedules (one evening weekly and every other weekend, one week on one week off, 4 on 3 off, etc). You need to be separated and be movig toward toward divorce. If you both want to save the marriage. Then each of you needs to dump the GF / BF immediately, go to counseling, and start working things out. You need to know what it is you want... then take action toward that end. A marriage cannot work with GF/BF in the picture - H must choose either you or GF - cant' have both. If he chooses GF, then visitation is limited to parenting/custody schedule. Put you foot down one way or the other.
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