simpson198621 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I recently told my husband I didn't want to be with him anymore, but agreed to give him a chance to try and change the way I feel. I realized that if I don't leave now, then I will leave when our son is out of the house (hopefully around the time he is 18) which could be 15 more years. So the question is, do I stick it out until the kid is out of the house in order to "keep the family together" or do I strike out on my own now before I am old and wrinkly? I don't know if I have the strength to make it another 15 years, even if hubby is on his best behavior, because ultimately I don't like him as a person; he's not even the kind of person I would choose to be friends with.
sharebear823 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Hi. From what you have said, you sound fairly certain that you don't even like your husband, and if that is really true, I don't think it is fair to him, your child, or you to stay together under those circumstances. Since I know very little about your situation, I guess my question is, do you think there is any hope of turning around your feelings? Did something change within you, or within him, to cause you to feel so negatively about him? Do you think that he is capable of changing, through counseling or therapy? I'm not asking that because I need to know, but because I think you owe it to yourself and to the marriage to really think through why you feel the way you do, and whether you think change is possible or likely. If your answers lead you to the same conclusions, then there is no reason why you should prolong the pain you are feeling. I think that might lead to much more unhappiness than you would like to deal with, for all concerned.
sharebear823 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 This is much more serious than I imagined. I think based upon what you said before about the incident with the gun in the bathroom...well, I sincerely hope that was the only time anything like that has happened! Have you noticed any behavior like that since then? The stuff about the hair and the music are things that can be changed or negotiated, but you really need to protect your child and yourself from the stuff that truly can harm you. Your husband really needs some counseling, and I agree with earlier posters that you should get out of that situation quickly. Make him take responsibility for his crazy behavior, and make counseling a condition that must be met before you will even consider returning to him. I think your situation is really scary and you shouldn't mess around because it isn't a safe environment to be in, and that's just basic. Nothing else can happen in the way of making the marriage "work" until that issue is addressed, and if it isn't going to be addressed or it still remains a problem, then you need to leave, for your safety and that of your child.
Author simpson198621 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 The gun has been removed from the house. He hasn't even realized it yet and it has been 2 weeks. He has not shown any signs of pulling that kind of crap again. But as my therapist said, once he has made a big threat like that, he never really needs to do it again....merely saying that life is not worth living has just as much of an impact on me now. I think that is a big part of the reason that I don't like him anymore. But really, once the honeymoon period was over (which took about 5 years) I realized that I really didn't like him anymore. And then the crap with the gun put me over the top. Even though he recently apologized and said he made a mistake, I cannot forgive him for doing that in front of our child. But his personality is just not what I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am tired of hearing the same story over and over and when I tell him this he says that I should just listen to him anyway. I am tired of hearing him tell me about all the women that were checking him out at the children's museum, dr's office, autoshop, etc. I am tired of the fact that he acts like he is better than everyone. I am tired of him acting like he is so open minded but then refusing to patronize a business if it is owned/run by a christian or even used to be(YMCA is a good example). I am tired of him competing for my attention with our son. I could go on and on. I am just tired of it all. Counseling won't change his personality. It might change some behaviors, but he will always be who he is, and that is the guy I don't like.
sharebear823 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 It seems to me that your husband has major problems that can't be solved without him making a sincere effort to change his behavior, yet he can't even see that he has any problems. I think it is highly unlikely that he will change. You seem to be very unhappy because of his behavior and attitudes, and I can definitely understand why, based on what you've said. I don't think you should have to live for the next 15 years with a man that you don't like or respect, and clearly he has no respect for you, either. Your child deserves a much better environment in which to grow up, so, given the circumstances, it might be better for you to leave now, rather than risk becoming more and more unhappy in a situation that is very unhealthy for you emotionally, and possibly also physically. How do you feel about moving in with your parents until you can get back on your feet? I wish you all the best.
Redbull Rider Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I recently told my husband I didn't want to be with him anymore, but agreed to give him a chance to try and change the way I feel. I realized that if I don't leave now, then I will leave when our son is out of the house (hopefully around the time he is 18) which could be 15 more years. So the question is, do I stick it out until the kid is out of the house in order to "keep the family together" or do I strike out on my own now before I am old and wrinkly? I don't know if I have the strength to make it another 15 years, even if hubby is on his best behavior, because ultimately I don't like him as a person; he's not even the kind of person I would choose to be friends with. sounds like you have already left mentally...you might as well make the physical move. i went through a similar situation. i was willing to stick it out until our children were out of the house but it got to the point where it was more harmful for them to see us married as we were than to see us happily divorced. there were many things that i did not like about her as my wife...but as exes and parents we're great friends. if you decide to divorce it doesnt have to be an ugly affair. good luck
Author simpson198621 Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 The thing that is really frustrating right now is that he is truly making a sincere effort to be a better person. He has stopped complaining that we never have sex (even if it had only been 2 days, he would complain), he has started helping to keep the kitchen clean, and today he set his alarm so that he would not sleep past 10am anymore (he even said it was his responsibility to get up, not mine - I have been waking him up for years). So he is really trying to make changes, but it is not changing the way that I feel. I had to leave emotionally a long time ago to be able to cope because he was really hard on me. Now I don't think I can go back. Most of our relationship was about him being the center of my world - I did everything for him except his laundry. In order for me to realize how badly he was treating me, I had to step outside of myself and become cold and detatched. And once I detatch from someone, I find that I cannot reattach. Maybe that make me heartless. All I know is that I can't do this forever and just want to move on. But then I wonder if it is just me being a bored housewife who wants change.
Redbull Rider Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 from what i've heard most woman dont go backwards once they've detached
Sum1'sGot2RepThe530 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 The thing that is really frustrating right now is that he is truly making a sincere effort to be a better person. He has stopped complaining that we never have sex (even if it had only been 2 days, he would complain), he has started helping to keep the kitchen clean, and today he set his alarm so that he would not sleep past 10am anymore (he even said it was his responsibility to get up, not mine - I have been waking him up for years). So he is really trying to make changes, but it is not changing the way that I feel. I had to leave emotionally a long time ago to be able to cope because he was really hard on me. Now I don't think I can go back. Most of our relationship was about him being the center of my world - I did everything for him except his laundry. In order for me to realize how badly he was treating me, I had to step outside of myself and become cold and detatched. And once I detatch from someone, I find that I cannot reattach. Maybe that make me heartless. All I know is that I can't do this forever and just want to move on. But then I wonder if it is just me being a bored housewife who wants change. What are you waiting for? Get outta there!
GreenEyedLady Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 The thing that is really frustrating right now is that he is truly making a sincere effort to be a better person. So he is really trying to make changes, but it is not changing the way that I feel. I had to leave emotionally a long time ago to be able to cope because he was really hard on me. It is more cruel to stay and give him the glimmer of hope that "he" can change the way you feel. The reality is that "he" cannot change anything within you. That is up to you. And what about when he feels safe that you won't leave and goes back to all the things he used to do? Will you regret staying with him? Do you want to spend the next 15 years the way you've spent the first 3? Think about it. Divorce isn't the worst thing that can happen to you.
imagine Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Do yourself a favour. Read His Needs/ Her Needs - Dr Harley. Yeah! Yeah Yeah! its going to be an effort. So what do you think the next Fifteen years is gonna be?
lonelynightslady Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 You sound like me with the exception of my STBX was an acoholic. I told him in April that I didn't love him anymore and he tried so hard to be a better person which he is becoming. Problem is it's too late. I moved out of my house the first of May and he finally left my house the 1st of June. I have divorce hearing tomorrow. Over 10 yrs. of marriage with this man he loved and showed respect the first 5 yrs. After that he thought the world revolved around him and only him. For your own sake and sanity DO NOT stay.
Author simpson198621 Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Thanks for the feedback everyone. I know what I need to do and just have to find the right time to do it. The last month since I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore has been really hard on me emotionally. Trying to convince myself that I can feel the way that I used to, going through the motions, pretending. It is not working. I think I can stick it out another month until after our son's b-day, but not much longer.
LakesideDream Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Thanks for the feedback everyone. I know what I need to do and just have to find the right time to do it. The last month since I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore has been really hard on me emotionally. Trying to convince myself that I can feel the way that I used to, going through the motions, pretending. It is not working. I think I can stick it out another month until after our son's b-day, but not much longer. Simpson, As a mail, and an antique, who lived through a 25 year marriage, only to have it dissolve when my ex "needed space".. I feel for your problem. First. You are not going to be happy for the next 15 years. Your child isn't going to be as happy as he/she should be. Your husband isn't going to be happy. Staying in a marriage as badly damaged in yours will only end up with everyone miserable. In particular, you will find your resentment growing day by day. It sounds from your post like you are "done", that the ony question is the time frame. From experiance I can tell you that it is better to cut the loses now before the enevitable crisis occurs. This assumes of course that everything you have written in your two posts is true. At a late 50's person who is in the position you anticipate being in, "old and wrinkly"... it's no party. Often I wish my life would have taken a different path. You have the choice to chose your path now.
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