lynni31 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 A few days ago my live-in bf started talking to a few of our neighbors..one a woman ( he said she is a lesbian ) and the other a guy. Well today she called here several times and asked him to go over and "hang out". When I stated that I was unhappy about her calling he said I was insecure. Any opinions on this?
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I doubt he is going to start an affair with a neighbour, let alone a lesbian one. Anyway, neighbours can be buddy's to hangout with, just set up boundries with them. When you say she called several times (I take it this is all in one day she called or are you talking in a span of afew weeks?) how many times exactly? Are you invited to hangout as well?
Author lynni31 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 I was invited to hang out the other day but I wasn't feeling well. If I was included on the invite today..well he didn't let me know.
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Did she speak to you or ask for him? What did she say? That is odd that she called so many times, but then again, new neighbours meeting and hanging out, well, there's always a certain amount of time when it IS new and exciting to hangout, get to know eachother etc...BUT that doesn't mean he is going to go off with her and have an affair. Get involved too! Hangout with them, get to know her and the other guy as well. Who knows, maybe it will turn into a trusted neighbourly friendship.
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I was invited to hang out the other day but I wasn't feeling well. If I was included on the invite today..well he didn't let me know. You should assume you were invited. I hangout with my neighbours alot. There's a whole crew of us - Yet some have kids, but still, we get together, have a BBQ, sit on the porch and talk, drink coffee (funny how 3 sets of neighbours, plus my H and I don't drink), play cards, just have fun with eachother. Yet with that being said, I know that if anything ever happened, crisis wise, I could knock on the door at anytime, day or night and they'd all be there to help. Our nextdoor neighbours are like family and we're close with them. So, try not to feel threatened, instead, embrace it! You'll know if something is 'off' later on, but until that actually happens, and chances are, it won't, just try to have fun with these neighbours. Why not invite them over and have a BBQ one afternoon on a weekend?
Author lynni31 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 She called three times that I know of. The first time I wasn't here. The second was ( from what i could tell of the one side I heard ) her asking him to go over and hang out with them and he told her no that he had family things. Apparently then she said well not even for a few minutes? Then he said ok and the third time she called was to ask him to pick up beer on the way. When she called I answered the phone and she asked for him. I didn't complain until after the third call.
Author lynni31 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 I should also clarify.. she lives alone not with the other guy. The other guy lives across town.
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Apparently then she said well not even for a few minutes? Then he said ok Error! He made the wrong choice. He told her no, he was busy with family stuff and then she pushed him to come for afew minutes - He then said yes. See, this is where rules and boundries with neighbours HAVE to happen. She lives alone, yet he claims she's a lesbian. It's possible - DO you think she's a lesbian from what you've seen of her? Anyway, I now see why you're upset. How often is this hanging out happening? Daily? Weekly? Afew times a day? How old are you, your bf and this neighbour? (Sorry for all the questions)
Author lynni31 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 He only met them four days ago and this is the first time its happened. I haven't met her.. only saw her outside, she was talking to my daughter. I am 39, he is 34 and she is 24. I have to assume she is a lesbian since the first night he met them he was trying to get me to go over there and meet them(and that is when he told me she was gay ) I wasn't feeling well.. so he went over to her apartment for a little while ( the other guy was there ). So I guess the thing that bothers me most is while I was included the first time and unable to go over, this time I was not included and my feelings were brushed aside as "insecure" and he complained about not even being able to have friends.
Jersey Shortie Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I'd be concerned. Calling 2 or 3 times for a new friend is strange. I hate when guys use the "you're insecure" card. It's a perfect way to belittle a person's feelings. People are human and sometimes get insecure. Sometimes partner do things that make the other person feel insecure. I would talk to him about it though and ask him how he would feel if it was you going over a 24 year old guys house that called you 2 or 3 times a day. Try to put him in yoru shoes. I bet he wouldn't like it.
Jennifer26 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I agree that calling 3 times seems a little odd. Also, he said she's a lesbian.. but did she actually say this or he is assuming that she is. And even if she does like girls, that doesn't mean she doesn't like men. Many people are bi-sexual. I would also feel uncomfortable if I were in your shoes until I had a better understanding of the situation. I would personally want to meet this woman and keep hanging out to a group situation (with me included) atleast for a little while. My husband and I have an agreement that he will not develop close friendships with other women, or hang out with them one to one. It isn't because I am some raging insecure woman, it is because he had an EA and it came close to a PA a couple of years back. And it all started out as a harmless friendship. I never used to think too much about him hanging out with another woman (co-workers, classmates, etc) until that happened.
ohmy3 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 don't sound good to me @ all , any chance they knew 1 another before u knew? how long u lived there or her? the she's gay line maybe a huge cover!(she maybe bi) so then it wouldn't be a whole lie, however she has way to much intrest in UR man, and him jumping through hoops is RED FLAG! i'd lay the law down and strong of how u feel about them and tell him u won't stand for it as it is way to fishy w/ whats occured already, No Way ............... if he goes over u do 2 and if he gets mad well then theres alot more going on or is going in that direction............
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 He only met them four days ago and this is the first time its happened. I haven't met her.. only saw her outside, she was talking to my daughter. I am 39, he is 34 and she is 24. I have to assume she is a lesbian since the first night he met them he was trying to get me to go over there and meet them(and that is when he told me she was gay ) I wasn't feeling well.. so he went over to her apartment for a little while ( the other guy was there ). So I guess the thing that bothers me most is while I was included the first time and unable to go over, this time I was not included and my feelings were brushed aside as "insecure" and he complained about not even being able to have friends. 4 days ago and she's calling this much? As I said on an earlier reply, it's very ODD that she asked him to come over for afew mins and bring beer, even though he said he was going out with family and was busy. It's even ODDER that he said yes and allowed this new neighbour to suck him in, or feel guilty. Ever hear of just saying NO I'm busy and stick to that? She may not be a lesbian, or maybe she's bi. Either way, talk to him about setting up boundries with this woman because she seems needy, lonely and wants his company. Red flag!
Tomcat33 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 So, try not to feel threatened, instead, embrace it! Embrace it!?!?! If you suddenly had a 24 yr old woman move into your neighbourhood and she started inviting your H over for beer and calling your house 3 times a day would you embrace that? I know wouldn't! Lesbian or not, and I don't think a man I am with would make me ask him not to go, he would just know it is not apropriate. There is something odd with this picture and I don't think you are being insecure at all Lynni. As I mentioned in the other thread why aren't the two of you invited, your guy should take it upon him to include you if nothing odd is happening here? You could both go and get to know this chick otherwise she shouldn't just be asking your guy over that's weird. Tell your guy to get his azz on here we'll set him straight!! :laugh:
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I take that back, obviously...My mistake. I didn't have as much info as I did later on once she posted back.
angie2443 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 . I have to assume she is a lesbian since the first night he met them he was trying to get me to go over there and meet them(and that is when he told me she was gay ) I wasn't feeling well.. so he went over to her apartment for a little while ( the other guy was there ). So I guess the thing that bothers me most is while I was included the first time and unable to go over, this time I was not included and my feelings were brushed aside as "insecure" and he complained about not even being able to have friends. My husband often refers to bi women as lesbians. In his case he's not trying to hide anything as he is not friends with the women I speak of and I already know about them. In your case, I would wonder. The fact that you weren't included the second time and that he is calling you "insecure" is a huge red flag. Anytime I've seen someone call their partner insecure in these situations, there has always been something going on.
Tomcat33 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I take that back, obviously...My mistake. I didn't have as much info as I did later on once she posted back. Phewww for a minute there I thought you were going soft on us WWIU. The thing is I was going to reverse the scenario and say what if it was a 24 yr old gay guy doing this but quite frankly it is not even the same, gay men are gay gay, there is no turning back but there are plenty lesbian women that go back and forth between genders and especially a woman as young as 24...I would be very cautious of this. Unless like I said in Lynni's other thread, if she is a butch lesbian then chances are she is there to stay. Men don't tend to befriend women just for friendship, I know it is a huge generalization but time and time again men will admit they can't "just" be friends with women and so if a couple introduces a new friend of the opposite sex and it is the guy instigating this I feel it is a problem waiting to happen. Now if a guy brings female friends into your relationship ie. before he met you I think that tends to be fine.
Author lynni31 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Ok. I met her yesterday. She came to my door with another neighbor child that wanted her webkins that she left in my back yard. She sure
whichwayisup Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 She sure ... Did you lose power or did your computer crash? I hope you come back and finish the story of what happened..
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