heartbroken2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Hi, This is the first time I ever posted anything so bear with me.I have had a 11 yr affair with a married man that I have never met.We met in some poker site & it was an instant attraction for us.I was married then but ending it with my hubby(not because of new guy tho).We talked everyday,some 3 times a day,I was apart of his whole life,his kids his wife...work .We had a very sexual relationship,phone sex ,email,messenger everything.I love him & him I ,I never asked him to leave his wife,that was never a question.He lives 2000 miles from me.We were so close & laughed & had so much fun talking.He would always steal time for me.During these yrs,I divorced & dated some but never had the closeness I felt with my online love.I really felt fullfilled after my bad marriage,I was married over 20 yrs.My online guy is 10 yrs younger but he always said he loved older women.Until the last 6 months,He moved up in the company & started talking about these other younger women at work,at first we laughed about it & I never thought his interest in me would change.Till few months ago his wife finds a picture on his cell he took of other girl,He had sent it to me.So now he was in big trouble over her but she knows nothing of me.I have 11 yrs worth of naked pics & stuff he sent me,cards everything.So now his wife was giving him a hard time,calling all the time ,checking his cell,but we have always been discreet,I guess lucky.So 6 months ago,right after he got in trouble over this other girl,He talked his way outa that but I'm sure shes still suspicsous,His emails are less & less & hes always too busy to talk to me.Sounds mad when he calls,always has a reason for not talking to me but still talks to this younger woman who is married too.He talks to her during the day at work on messengers,Tells me the other day,she says she loves him.And theres another one too,that he flirts with.So I was furious,more I get mad the less he called ,even though it was very little already.So I was at wits end other day & I told him,this other girls husband should find out what she does all day.& that his wife would not be happy if she knew.So he said I was threatening him & has not responed to text messages,email calls nothing!I feel like I can't get closer with this,I still love him & want him.I looked her up in her myspace & got her full name & know her number & I want to call her,the younger girl.I could never do that to his wife.But HER I want too, let her know about me,Even though he said he told her,I now doubt he did.One day he told me,Hes addicted to the attention,when I said please stop with these girls,for Gods sake I share you with your wife but I can't do it with them.He always says,I work with them & have to talk to them during the day.But theres more going on ,He won't admit it to me.There has to be or this other girl would not be saying I love you...I'm so sadden & lost here,I feel like I lost my BFF,What do I do?
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Don't call, don't do anything. This is all fantasy and fun, maybe not for you, but for him. This guy is married and has a life which he is living. Yes it hurts and yes it feels real, but at the end of the day, he slips into bed with his wife..Not you. What he does offline is his business and you don't have ANY right to call the OW, nor his wife. Sorry, but you've known from day one he was married, with kids, sent and received naked pictures of eachother - Now that he is flirting with someone else, it hurt you and yeah, out of spite you want to interfer - IF you get involved, he will HATE you. Please, do yourself a favour - End this and meet a guy in real life, face to face. This online guy is NOT going to give up his wife, kids and life, friends, family, house, everything that he knows to be with someone he has never met face to face. Even though you've been online romancing for so many years, you don't "know" him. You only know what he's shown you and what's told you.
Author heartbroken2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 I don't want him to leave his wife,but if hes not talking to me already,what more could happen if I called this OW.Doesn't she have a right to know about him? We have been involved in everypart of each others lives for so long,11 yrs,I'm so hurt & crying all the time,its hard NOT to think about this at work....... I'm just a mess
Jilly Bean Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Um, you never MET him. So, I guess I don't see what kind of affair you had, besides a fantasy one.
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I know, but it's ONLINE. Yes, you may do phonecalls too, but you only get small fractions of his life. That's why the online thing is so dangerous, the feelings are so real, yet your mind fills in the blanks, the missing parts and the fantasy of "who" he is becomes more real. You don't have ANY right to get involved and call the OW. His wife is aware of this, he isn't married to you, nor does he owe you an explanation. You're lucky he has told you all this stuff, he could have kept it to himself. Do you ever wonder why he told you? And now he's more distant? He is distancing himself from you more and more because now he knows his wife is watching him. I know you're in pain and this is hard, but in the long run, you're wasting your love, your energy on someone who is taken, lives far away and has a wife and kids. You will miss the boat one day - Miss out on a special man that you can actually touch, kiss and hold.
2sunny Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 you were "safe" for him because you were far away and he was depending on you not to cause a stir. now that he sees you as being angry with him and he feels the threat to his marriage and "other life" - that he wants to continue with - he wants you to quietly go away. nothing good will come from continuing contact with him... i wish you well in your venture for no contact with him.
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Hes addicted to the attention And you're addicted to how he makes you feel. Sunny is right, he feels threatened by you and has backed off. He isn't calling as much because you're angry at him alot of the time. The fun, the sharing etc has stopped, now what he is experiencing with you is dramatic and intense, in a not so good way. Another reason why he's backed off.
torranceshipman Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 This is just a complete waste of your time...you're an ego massage and a fun fantasy for him from 2000 miles away-a 'safe' affair...if he'd had any real interest you two would have met by now. He's already married so to be blunt it isnt your rght to think he shouldnt be involved or not involved with others-he's clearly a player in that respect and yes hes lying to you and no he wont tell you the truth or stop talkin to these other girls - plus he seems to have made it clear he wants you out of his life as you arent being fun and a cool fantasy anymore (youre making demands, more like real life, thus the fantasy has ended, so he isnt interested). He has other girls to replace youand you ARENT sharing him with his W-his whole life is wth her and you two just have IM and sometrading of photos...get real! Get this guy ot of your life as this R is SO toxic, pointless and going nowhere.
Author heartbroken2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Everything everyone is saying is true & I appreciate your comments.Yes I knew there was something going on when he stopped calling me as much & started talking about these girls at work but he explained it off so many times until when I blew up.The problem was too is that I trusted him till recently,I know its crazy.This was not just a cyber thing,it was knowing everything about him,me depending on him when I needed too,it was a friendship too.I just don't think he handled it right after 11 yrs and it hurts.Doesn't anyone think calling this work girl would be good for her?She has no clue,and I wish someone woulda gave me a heads up.Of course I wouldn't mind messing things up for him either,I'd be lieing if I said I wouldn't.
Lookingforward Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Everything everyone is saying is true & I appreciate your comments.Yes I knew there was something going on when he stopped calling me as much & started talking about these girls at work but he explained it off so many times until when I blew up.The problem was too is that I trusted him till recently,I know its crazy.This was not just a cyber thing,it was knowing everything about him,me depending on him when I needed too,it was a friendship too.I just don't think he handled it right after 11 yrs and it hurts.Doesn't anyone think calling this work girl would be good for her?She has no clue,and I wish someone woulda gave me a heads up.Of course I wouldn't mind messing things up for him either,I'd be lieing if I said I wouldn't. Tell the W and the new gf.......and just to make sure you never have to deal with him again, tell him you did. Maybe then you can go find someone real
Lizzie60 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Wow.. I have such a hard time with all those 'cyber stuff'... cyber affairs.. then it's a cyber fight.. followed by a cyber NC.. ending with a cyber 'break'..... What a freaken cyber mess!!!!! Sorry but all this fantasy makes me laugh... I just can't understand people living a fantasy life like that.. don't you have things to do in RL... you need a serious 'reality check' my dear.. Really people...
Author heartbroken2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Thank you for making me laugh,yeah I know its crazy & a mess of hurt feelings...... I do have a real life,I am a very sensible person usually,have 3 adult kids that moved back in,good job working with special needs kids,have a home business..... I have dated too except the closeness & good feelings I have with him,I have not found with another man yet.I know its hard to explain for my own self little only explain to strangers. thats why I was nervous about posting my story . I just needed for someone to hear me.....
Author heartbroken2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Tell the W and the new gf.......and just to make sure you never have to deal with him again, tell him you did. Maybe then you can go find someone real Finally!!!!!!! I think its what I need to do to get over this,but I don't want to hurt his family,his wife........ She would leave him....... But the work girl ,I think she needs to know & I would find some pleasure in that too.....Not sure if I would feel good about myself after..
Lizzie60 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Finally!!!!!!! I think its what I need to do to get over this,but I don't want to hurt his family,his wife........ She would leave him....... But the work girl ,I think she needs to know & I would find some pleasure in that too.....Not sure if I would feel good about myself after.. tsk tsk tsk.. cyber revenge... ooohhhhh nasty.. you might feel some kind of cyber pleasure and some cyber relief after.. hard to say.. try it and let us know.. we're your cyber friends..
Author heartbroken2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 And you're addicted to how he makes you feel. Sunny is right, he feels threatened by you and has backed off. He isn't calling as much because you're angry at him alot of the time. The fun, the sharing etc has stopped, now what he is experiencing with you is dramatic and intense, in a not so good way. Another reason why he's backed off. I had good reason for feeling the way I did....He stopped acting the same before I started having an attitude.I didn't do anything wrong,my feelings were genuine,I reacted to how things had changed,Are you implying I drove him away?
Jilly Bean Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 But the work girl ,I think she needs to know & I would find some pleasure in that too.... What does she need to know? That you are a long-distance pen pal that got herself carried away into fantasy land thinking she was having some kind of real life affair? Any comments you make to her will only make you look, well, insane. If I knew a guy and some strange woman called me to tell me she was his 11-year online "affair", I'd seriously question her mental health. Honestly, this kind of carrying on is NOT a healthy interaction. Do you see that? Does anyone see that? lol
Lookingforward Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Out of curiosity - how come in all of eleven years you never met even once ?
Author heartbroken2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 He came here once,waited at the airport 8 hrs for me but I could not do it,I was still married at the time.Then over the years our vacations never were at the same time,It made it hard,we tried but nothing ever worked out,we always talked about it...
whichwayisup Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 But the work girl ,I think she needs to know & I would find some pleasure in that too.... Look, you knew from day one he was married, yet went ahead and had an online affair with him for many years. No different than what the Other OW is doing, except that they are face to face. You have no right to get involved, call the OW or his wife. Best thing for you to do is try to heal and let go of him, seek counselling if you can't do this on your own. Did your marriage end because of the online affair?
Author heartbroken2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 No I said earlier,I was in an abusive marriage & finally got out.I knew him then but he had nothing to do with it.Getting out was the best thing I ever did after 20+ yrs.To be honest,I thought I might have some encourgement from this site but mostly comments are making me feel worse.I guess its hard to understand my unusal situation.....
whichwayisup Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Sorry, I forgot..Good for you for getting out of your abusive marriage. OK, I've been trying to help but you don't seem to like what I've said. What good will come of you calling the other OW and his wife? You think he'll thank-you for that and come running to you? If anything, that will piss him off and he'll HATE you for interferring in his life. His distance now, him not contacting you as much is showing you what he thinks of your threats. People do not like to be threatened, especially online. You're going to do what you're going to do, I just think you're putting yourself in a worse situation by getting involved in his offline life. Don't you find it ODD in the first place that he has told you about the OW? If he was truly into you, he wouldn't do that..He wouldn't be telling you details and making you feel hurt, jealous and sad..Yet, he is doing just that. Good luck though, I hope you're able to let go of this guy and heal.
Shygirl15 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Seriously?? You haven't met in real life in 11 yrs (oh, does he live in Mars BTW?) and you think you have the right to get into his business??
Lookingforward Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 No I said earlier,I was in an abusive marriage & finally got out.I knew him then but he had nothing to do with it.Getting out was the best thing I ever did after 20+ yrs.To be honest,I thought I might have some encourgement from this site but mostly comments are making me feel worse.I guess its hard to understand my unusal situation..... why is it they all think their situation is so "unusual" or "unique" ? What's so unusual about a cake eater having a good time at your expense ? Now he's found someone closer to have his fun with...probably not the first, but as he's finished with you now, he chose to tell you about THIS one. Sorry to be blunt, but come ON...you NEVER managed to make a time to meet ? Sounds like neither of you thought the other was the love of your lives then. I think you need to let go of this fantasy including the revenge part and find someone real that is actually interested in the real you.
Recommended Posts