Author shadowplay Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Write two columns. One column is filled with real life situations with this guy. Just you two, no one else. Interactions between you. Second column. Write down all your fantasies/dreams with this guy. Which column is bigger? Which column has more depth, feeling, emotion? Is it the fantasy column? I see so much going on here that is in your head, but there seems to be very little actual real life interaction between the two of you. You are devastated because you are losing your dream picture of him, not the real guy. What does that tell you? I think the answer is actually quite lengthy. Yes, you're right. And my original "dream image" of him was actually based on my first impression before I really got to know him. He turned out to be a lot less kind than I originally thought. Somehow, though, I readjusted my ideal to the harsher reality of who he was. I couldn't bring myself to push him off the pedestal entirely. Just changed my criteria. I remember once mentioning him to a male acquaintance, who said "I hate that guy." He told me that J seemed like a "prick," seemed very controlling with his girlfriend, and he felt so bad for her because he thought she could do better. Was it jealousy or the truth? It did make me wonder. How is it possible to have so much feeling for an idea? Last night I was thinking of what my ideal guy was irrespective of J, and it's actually pretty different from him. Kind in a slightly protective, fatherly way (I love guys who teach me how to do things) Extremely smart Confident At least decent listener A touch of arrogance, but not towards me J only has "extremely smart" down. He has arrogance, but an overabundance of.
Nevermind Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 A touch of arrogance, but not towards me Can you explain?
Author shadowplay Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Might it be safe to say, then, that you maybe don't know him as well as you thought? I say this because it seems to relate to every relationship I've seen you write about on LS (the ex, his friends, and now this)--that you think you know these people so well, but you really don't at all. I hope you're right because I often assume the worst. Most of the time I don't want to be right about people but fear that I am. I'm curious, though -- do you remember what I got wrong about my ex and his friend?
Author shadowplay Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Can you explain? Sure, I mean... the protective, kind of older brother behavior that I find so endearing in guys often goes along with slight arrogance. These are guys who treat girls like girls or women like women instead of relating to the opposite sex as they do to other guys. Sort of an old-fashioned attitude. Not that they look down on women necessarily, but they're more "gentle" with them. They are a tad flirtatious (but not in a piggish way). It's hard to describe. I find it sexy.
Nevermind Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 But...if this is the arrogance you speak of, why wouldn't you want it directed at you?
Author shadowplay Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 But...if this is the arrogance you speak of, why wouldn't you want it directed at you? you're right...that was inaccurate. I would want it directed at me. I just think that behavior suggests they have some underlying arrogance that might come out negatively towards other people (like other guys).
Nevermind Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Awesome anecdote. I think I never read such a great in-depth analysis. How extremely helpful. Shadow, it reminds me of a 50s movie.
Author shadowplay Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 clearly if youre as attached to this guy as you just said you are, dont you think it would be a terrible idea to have casual sex with him? maybe you need to learn to step away from these infatuations. no one gets everything they want in life, everyone gets rejected; it shouldnt be the end of the world. of course, i dont anticipate that you will take that into consideration at all. Does it count that I was PMSing when I started this thread? The weird thing is I really doubt I'll care if it amounts to nothing more than a few casual encounters. Even when I was most obsessed with him several years ago I always dreamed of just sharing one night with him or just locking lips with him once. I think a lot of it is pure curiosity. Seeing what he's like in such an intimate context which is entirely different from how we've always related. Seeing if he's a big flop, which would actually be an amusing relief after years of pining. Getting the satisfaction of accomplishing something I always wanted to and never thought I would. The idea of a relationship with him seems depressing and boring. Maybe I'm just all relationshipped out. I want the thrill of a brief encounter. As much as I've idealized him over the years, I don't think I really respect him -- at least not anymore. I want him, but I don't respect him. Isn't that strange?
Kamille Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I'm glad to know you are feeling better and I'm feeling somewhat caught up (there seems to have been some controversy on your other thread about this guy). My guy wrote back too! I think there's some kind of LS law: the minute you post on LS to vent about something, the situation will change. What I like about this thread is that you seem to have been able to get some perspective about this guy. I personnally don't think that crushing on people is unhealthy - it's just important to recognize that crushes are fantasies and that the fonctions they serve is to help you. They are in no way predictors of the future. Those dreams you had? They had very little to do with this guy, and more to do with how you want to feel in a relationship. So keep working on distinguishing the crush from the guy, and you will be better positionned to proceed and evaluate if he is, in reality, the kind of guy for you.
vedderbetter Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I have so much trouble seperating fact from fiction in the OP's posts, I'm sure where to even start. Clearly, the OP is in no emotional/psychological position to begin any sort of romantic relationship. Everything written indicates that the OP has some serious emotional issues that need to be addressed before she will be capable of having a healthy interaction with the opposite sex. That doesn't happen overnight. The continual fixation on a man to provide validation to the OP's self-worth and the highs and lows that dependence brings her is rather disturbing. This is not to say or imply that having an emotional inbalance is shameful or negative, it simply is a disorder that needs to be treated like any other disorder. OP - you should stick to your therapy sessions and not allow youself to become enmeshed in these fantasy relationships. You create these relationships because you KNOW that you will be disappointed and part of you strongly believes that you deserve to be hurt and disappointed. You don't believe that you deserve to be loved and you fear real love because then you have no predictable safety net. That's why you keep doing the same things over and over again because you know the outcome; it's safe and reliable. Again, I'm no certified mental health professional so all of this is simply my opinion. But, I do have a lot of experience with similar issues within my nuclear family so I do know that damage that result in the OP's life if she does not get a handle on these deep seated problems now. I wish you the best of luck.
Author shadowplay Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 I have so much trouble seperating fact from fiction in the OP's posts, I'm sure where to even start. Clearly, the OP is in no emotional/psychological position to begin any sort of romantic relationship. Everything written indicates that the OP has some serious emotional issues that need to be addressed before she will be capable of having a healthy interaction with the opposite sex. That doesn't happen overnight. The continual fixation on a man to provide validation to the OP's self-worth and the highs and lows that dependence brings her is rather disturbing. This is not to say or imply that having an emotional inbalance is shameful or negative, it simply is a disorder that needs to be treated like any other disorder. OP - you should stick to your therapy sessions and not allow youself to become enmeshed in these fantasy relationships. You create these relationships because you KNOW that you will be disappointed and part of you strongly believes that you deserve to be hurt and disappointed. You don't believe that you deserve to be loved and you fear real love because then you have no predictable safety net. That's why you keep doing the same things over and over again because you know the outcome; it's safe and reliable. Again, I'm no certified mental health professional so all of this is simply my opinion. But, I do have a lot of experience with similar issues within my nuclear family so I do know that damage that result in the OP's life if she does not get a handle on these deep seated problems now. I wish you the best of luck. Well, I agree with most of what you said.
Author shadowplay Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Shadow, it reminds me of a 50s movie. Yeah, I guess I do prefer a more old-fashioned kind of male/female relationship. Well, at least the positive aspects. I like guys who are slightly chivalrous. But getting back to the main subject... I think I probably should try to put this guy out of my mind. Writing all this out helped exorcize some of the emotion. I appreciate everyone's feedback.
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