so saddened by this rejection

[shadowplay]

Although I vowed to stop posting for awhile, I need to get this off my chest. I don't need to be scolded or reprimanded. I'm looking for understanding and constructive advice.

 

It's an understatement to say I am absolutely devestated by this guy's rejection of me. I had a long term crush on him, six and a half years in the making, that was finally just fizzling out when he contacted me a few weeks ago right before my ex dumped me.

 

It's hard for me to express how significant he was to me. I know some of you will dismiss it, but if only understood. Crush is too light a term. It was a full-blown infatuation that I've never felt for another guy. I only hesitate to say "love" because I know technically you have to really know somebody to be "in love," but I suspect the feelings were identical yet baseless.

 

With every other crush I've had, no matter how brightly it burned, it flickered out reliably after a few months -- a year or two tops. Even in my most painful periods of pining there was always the relief of knowing each crush was finite. But my feelings for him trapped me because there was never an end in sight.

 

It is hard to describe what it is about him that hooked me in without reducing him to a series of cliches that fail to capture his nuanced essence. He embodied the term full of life. His fervent passion for ideas and changing the world contrasted with the apathy I was surrounded by on a college campus.

 

He had black hair and piercing blue eyes. He was a commanding speaker and writer. I remember once watching him sitting on a couch talking about something he cared deeply about, and distractedly picking up a piece of lint off the floor. As ridiculous as it sounds, that image summed up what I loved about him. He was too lost in his own ideas and head to connect with what was immediately in front of him. When I saw him recently he seemed different -- more nervous and awkward -- but I'm somehow convinced he was the same underneath.

 

The funny thing is everyone I know who has heard all the hype about him from me first and then met him, has been wholy unimpressed. They say he's ordinary and nerdy and nothing special. They say I'm more of a catch and shouldn't be pining away for him. But that's part of what I liked about him -- I liked the fact that I was one of the only people who appreciated his "specialness."

 

Before this Summer I last had contact with him five years ago, and my feelings somehow lingered. For years I've had recurring dreams where our paths almost crossed. I'd catch his face in a crowd in some foreign country, but he always boarded a train or turned down a side street before I had a chance to say hello. Or I'd approach him and lose my nerve before he turned and saw me. I would always wake up with a sense of deep loss. A year ago I had a particularly intense dream where we were together, and I awoke with unshakeable certainty that he was "The One."

That dream was saturated with a love more intense than anything I've ever felt, or even thought possible to feel. It wasn't like infatuation, but a warm and deep familial kind of love. To be honest I don't even remember the feeling because it was so outside anything I've ever felt. I just remember the memory of the dream.

 

I really, really wish he had never contacted me. Because this final, definitive rejection will probably canonize him in my mind. I take it as proof that he's "better" than me.

 

I don't understand why I wasn't good enough for him. Was I not smart enough? Confident enough? Pretty enough? What was it? How can I feel anything but inadequate if someone I admire so dearly doesn't want me?

The problem is my mental image of the ideal man has formed in his image. Neurons have grown and criss-crossed to eternally bind my concept of love to his unique cluster of traits. By treading down the same neural pathways over and over, I've probably ensured that association will stay intact for a lifetime. Had I met him now, I know he wouldn't have affected me the same way. But he got me when I was young and impressionable, and then left in a haste before I had opportunity to get to know him better and be properly disillusioned.

 

Now the pining has set in again, and I'm back to square one. Back to where I was at the age of 18.

 

You guys are right that my offer to him was just a desperate attempt to get whatever little piece of him I could. Even after I spoke to my therapist and felt resolved to not contact him again, I did. We made tentative plans to meet up later in the week...he led me on. I last spoke to him on Friday. He said he wasn't free on Saturday but he probably would be on Sunday...and "let's talk then." My response was "That's fine, but if we make plans I need to know at least a day in advance."

 

On Friday night my phone stopped working (could it have picked a worse time?), so I had no clue if he had called me or left a message. Today, the day we were supposed to talk and hopefully meet up I sent him a message in the morning and told him about the problem with my phone and asked him if tonight was indeed good. He didn't respond. He always responds to messages immediately. Six hours later I sent him my final message.

 

I asked him what happened and apologized if I had put him off with my original message, told him how it was out of character for me, and I probably should have retracted, but was tempted by his response because I was attracted to him. I asked him to please respond, even to tell me had had lost interest. That was three hours ago, and still no response. I know he won't ever respond, because I know him.

 

I can't imagine this whole thing having played out in a worse way. If only he had never contacted me and reignited my feelings and hopes RIGHT after my ex dumped me. And then the way he brushed me off so coldly in the street. And the way I impulsively made a fool of myself, and continued to go along with it in desperation. And after all that the way he just led me on and cut off contact without explanation. I keep pinching myself because this is my worst nightmare. I'm left without a shred of dignity. It's mostly my own fault, but also the confluence of a few unfortunate events.

 

If only he had responded and told me he wasn't interested. Somehow his non-response is so much worse than any response he could have possibly given. How could he be so cold? Was it all some game to him to see how far I'd go? Guys are always doing this to me. They'll just disappear without a trace, without even the courtesy of an explanation or response. The effect this has on me is devestating, probably rooted in my lifelong fear of abandonment. If only they knew how much it hurt.

 

How do I recover from this guys? It's easy to say "just forget him, move on." But how do you actually do that? How does somebody as obsessive and romantic as me do that?

 

Here's the thought I'm afraid I'll take away from this experience. I can already feel it cementing. If he doesn't like me, no guy I feel strongly about ever will. My ex liked/loved me, at least at the beginning, but my feelings for him weren't comparable to what I had for this guy. That's probably why our relationship didn't work. I've never had a guy I really, really liked reciprocate.

 

Or worse, maybe he's the only guy I'll ever feel this way about.

I know how to intellectually fight these thoughts, but what about emotionally?

 

Please be easy on me, guys...I'm like a raw nerve right now.

[whichwayisup]

Don't leave LS, keep posting. This is YOUR life and if you need help, or just to vent, do it! Don't let anyone here make you feel like you shouldn't post.

 

Shadow, first you need to love yourself. I mean really care and love yourself. This guy from your past, shouldn't have such an effect on you because you didn't have a relationship with him. Maybe it was too soon after you break up with your bf.

 

Being alone will heal you. Being with women friends, family and focussing on you is more important than any guy, crush or not.

[shadowplay]

Thanks for the encouragment, WWIU.

 

I feel like a bit of an idiot now after writing that opus...he just responded. he was away without internet access over the weekend and is still interested.

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome. Still think you need a break from men. You can't keep jumping from guy to guy...You aren't healing in between and being alone.

[gummybear]

Just curious, are you still talking to the ex who broke up with you a week or so ago? From what I see, this current guy is just a distraction from the root of the pain (your ex).

[Star Gazer]

Shadow, first you need to love yourself. I mean really care and love yourself. This guy from your past, shouldn't have such an effect on you because you didn't have a relationship with him.

 

Being alone will heal you. Being with women friends, family and focussing on you is more important than any guy, crush or not.

 

I agree completely, WWIU. This guy shouldn't have had such an impact, 6-year crush or not. There was nothing there that should have been so "devastating," regardless of whether he responded to her or not.

 

Shadow needs to spend significant time ALONE, without putting ANY effort into men/sex/romantic relationships, and focus on building other relationships, particularly with women, but most importantly, with herself.

[Ariadne]

Hey Shadow,

 

I wouldn't say he ditched you yet, you are probably going to talk again and most likely meet.

 

But this guy sounds like that friend guy, that was the all alluring mysterious and God knows how many other things that guy was.

 

And then you just got bored or whatever happened there.

 

This guy is going to be the same.

 

(You know how you always look for excitement, this is the new excitement now that the bf is gone)

[carhill]

Thanks for the encouragment, WWIU.

 

I feel like a bit of an idiot now after writing that opus...he just responded. he was away without internet access over the weekend and is still interested.

I know this feeling well. Take a deep breath. Reality is something very different than what is going on right now. Ask yourself what is the worst thing that could happen if you just stayed calm and took your time. If this is something special, it isn't going away anytime soon, yes?

 

Some people don't process things/feelings/people the same way or at the same pace you do. You have to allow for this. If they're not on the same page emotionally, you won't make sense to them and could actually be scary.

 

Alone time would be best, but I feel that's not your path. Take it slow

[whichwayisup]

Carhill, you give really awesome and heartfelt advice.

[Ariadne]

he just responded. he was away without internet access over the weekend and is still interested.

 

Ah...... cool.

[carhill]

Carhill, you give really awesome and heartfelt advice.

I appreciate that. I see parts of myself in Shadow and really do empathize with her struggles. Empathy is a cornerstone of understanding and support, IMO. She will find her truth. I feel it

 

I will say that members here on LS, yourself included, have been instrumental in helping me gain clarity in my situation. Giving back is my way of saying "thanks"....

 

I hope that, though she rarely responds to them, Shadow reads my posts, as, in some ways, I think of her as a daughter. Is that TMI?

[shadowplay]

I appreciate that. I see parts of myself in Shadow and really do empathize with her struggles. Empathy is a cornerstone of understanding and support, IMO. She will find her truth. I feel it

 

I will say that members here on LS, yourself included, have been instrumental in helping me gain clarity in my situation. Giving back is my way of saying "thanks"....

 

I hope that, though she rarely responds to them, Shadow reads my posts, as, in some ways, I think of her as a daughter. Is that TMI?

 

No, that actually means a lot to me. I always really appreciate your responses. I just have a bad habit of responding more to comments that are antagonistic.

 

You're right that I need to slow down and chill out. I wish I wasn't so emotionally intense.

 

I recall you saying that you had several painful pining experiences. How did you learn to stop putting people on pedestals?

[Nevermind]

I have two questions:

 

1) Why were you so infatuated with him, when he treated you poorly in the past?

 

2)Why do you think you were not good enough? You said that you hardly knew each other in the past, and you only spend one date together. He simply doesn't know you well enough to really reject you as a person.

 

Here is a quote I find crucial from your post:

 

I know he won't ever respond, because I know him.

 

No offense, but I don't think you do. This is the crux of the matter. You completely fell in a love with an idea, and you have yourself convinced that he really is that guy. Maybe he was in´the past, maybe he wasn't. You didn't know him well enough then, to really judge his charactre.

 

I think that by building this ideal man, you build walls around you to protect you from other people. This way you could detach easily, since none of them were "the one". Now that you met him your walls have come down, because you realize that there is no "the one". You are scared, and afraid to be hurt or not loved.

 

It's quite normal really. And this is why you can work through it. Don't be too afraid, shadow. Learn to love yourself, and to accept who you are. Then you won't need walls and ideal people anymore.

[OpenBook]

I agree with Nevermind. You've got to learn how to love yourself well, regardless of who happens to be interested in you at the moment.

 

If you're not already convinced that you're FABULOUS in your own right, there's no way other people are going to believe it either.

 

Take control of that inner voice you're listening to. If it's telling you that you're not enough, or that you'll never be loved, tell it to SHUT UP ALREADY. As if it could predict that anyway!!

 

And I think you definitely need to get past your fear of abandonment. Yeah sure it hurts when people pull away from you. But does that turn you into a heaping pile of goo? Absolutely not. You're the exact same person you were before they ever came into your life. You're still standing. And you're still FABULOUS.

 

I know you're really good at something, shadow (and I suspect you're good at many things). So concentrate on doing those things. Do what you love. And don't worry about the rest (i.e. relationships with men) - let the guy do the work. Just BE.

[anecdote]

Can I clarify something here?

 

You jumped to the extreme conclusion because he did not respond to you?

 

That sounds like High Maintenance to me.

[carhill]

No, that actually means a lot to me. I always really appreciate your responses. I just have a bad habit of responding more to comments that are antagonistic.

 

You're right that I need to slow down and chill out. I wish I wasn't so emotionally intense.

 

I recall you saying that you had several painful pining experiences. How did you learn to stop putting people on pedestals?

MC has helped me understand that my energy level and perception of the world is very different than the "norm". In learning to communicate better with my wife, I've had to learn cognitive tools to slow down both processing of information and how to accept my emotional awareness but internalize it. You will see an example of this in my latest journal.

 

A major breakthrough for me was lessening/ceasing projection of what I was sensing emotionally from someone (say like this guy in your thread) and realizing that they may be processing those same emotions in a completely different way, since no two perspectives/life paths are the same. I now try to file my own interpretation away and listen better. I'm far from perfect in that regard since unwinding a half-century of habit doesn't happen overnight.

 

Interestingly, once one opens themselves to the whole person, not just that part which one becomes infatuated with (the pedestal part), love can take on a whole new and deeper meaning. Once I gain enough emotional perspective from NC, I'll share a really good example of this. You will see the beginnings of it (the pedestal part) in my early journals.

 

Let me know when I need to be antagonistic to catch your attention I've been told I do sarcasm really well....

[my body is a cage]

when people put you down because of your threads, its not because they get some sort of a perverted kick out of putting you down and raising themselves. i used to think that way too, but then i realized how self-centered that was. i was in this group of friends, and there would always be a lot of drama between me and this one guy. a lot of the people in the group started being really mean to me, and i told myself it was just because they were insecure and liked making me feel bad.

 

now i realize that was not the case. they legitimately didnt like seeing me act the way i did because of this guy. i was basically letting him take advantage of me, and they didnt see any reason why i should let this guy affect me so much. they could clearly tell i was infatuated with him, and i refused to take their advice that he really wasnt anything worth getting upset about. these were his best friends saying this, and they honestly told me that they thought i was above him, but i ignored it.

 

basically, they got fed up with my irrational refusal to take their advice. it became clear that i didnt have much self worth, and i was just creating drama... why would they have wanted to have me around? they saw how weak i was, and could manipulate that.

 

its REALLY frustrating seeing someone who irrationally and impulsively compromises themselves and lets themselves be treated terribly over and over again. its even more frustrating when you try to help them, but they wont listen. i understand that now; it is totally clear to me why they tried to get rid of me and im ashamed for acting the way that i did.

 

i was annoying; that is why they didnt like me. not because they were insecure.

 

what do you expect from these boards? you refuse to take anyones advice that might be constructive. you didnt even listen to your therapist!! you do exactly what you want to do regardless of what we say.

 

clearly if youre as attached to this guy as you just said you are, dont you think it would be a terrible idea to have casual sex with him? maybe you need to learn to step away from these infatuations. no one gets everything they want in life, everyone gets rejected; it shouldnt be the end of the world. of course, i dont anticipate that you will take that into consideration at all.

 

were not trying to put you down, we don't want to see you act the way you out because we see that it is hurtful to you, but you do not seem to change your actions.

 

we all want to help, but how can anyone help you if you refuse to be helped???

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I asked him to please respond, even to tell me had had lost interest. That was three hours ago, and still no response. I know he won't ever respond, because I know him.

 

he just responded. he was away without internet access over the weekend and is still interested.

Might it be safe to say, then, that you maybe don't know him as well as you thought?

 

I say this because it seems to relate to every relationship I've seen you write about on LS (the ex, his friends, and now this)--that you think you know these people so well, but you really don't at all.

[carhill]

I say this because it seems to relate to every relationship I've seen you write about on LS (the ex, his friends, and now this)--that you think you know these people so well, but you really don't at all.

 

This is common HSP behavior, where the person fills in the "blanks" with the information he/she perceives at the subconscious level. It's important for such a person to cognitively train themselves to rely less on such information and more on overt communication and revelation over time. That was the thrust of my advice to Shadow, to take her time and let the real world information catch up with what she may be perceiving intuitively. The latter isn't always right...

 

This dynamic was the crux of many an unhealthy relationship for myself for many years.

[elaina]

Thanks for the encouragment, WWIU.

 

I feel like a bit of an idiot now after writing that opus...he just responded. he was away without internet access over the weekend and is still interested.

 

Yeah Shadowplay! I'm glad he responded and is still interested! You know you are a great writer!!! You got me carried away with your story and I could feel the pain and hope and acceleration and despair and life in how you write.

 

Have you ever read this book called Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy? It's very good and it talks about a lot of what you question. It helps me see that we women are of great worth and why we desire to be loved and to love a special man.

 

Please guard your heart... and be yourself.

 

Peace

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Write two columns. One column is filled with real life situations with this guy. Just you two, no one else. Interactions between you.

 

Second column. Write down all your fantasies/dreams with this guy.

 

Which column is bigger? Which column has more depth, feeling, emotion? Is it the fantasy column?

 

I see so much going on here that is in your head, but there seems to be very little actual real life interaction between the two of you. You are devastated because you are losing your dream picture of him, not the real guy.

 

What does that tell you? I think the answer is actually quite lengthy.

[LoveDeluxe78]

This is common HSP behavior, where the person fills in the "blanks" with the information he/she perceives at the subconscious level. It's important for such a person to cognitively train themselves to rely less on such information and more on overt communication and revelation over time. That was the thrust of my advice to Shadow, to take her time and let the real world information catch up with what she may be perceiving intuitively. The latter isn't always right...

 

This dynamic was the crux of many an unhealthy relationship for myself for many years.

 

Very interesting! Sorry to sound clueless, but what is HSP behavior?

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Very interesting! Sorry to sound clueless, but what is HSP behavior?

 

Highly Sensitive Person

 

Worth a look, Shadowplay. There are books on this.

[carhill]

Yes, I've been working with our psychologist on this and have a couple of Dr. Aaron's books on the subject. Understanding my psychology and nervous system has been key to effective MC for us. I don't know if Shadow has similar characteristics (it's best to be evaluated by a professional) but, if she does, it would explain a lot of her behaviors which some here find "different".

[shadowplay]

when people put you down because of your threads, its not because they get some sort of a perverted kick out of putting you down and raising themselves. i used to think that way too, but then i realized how self-centered that was. i was in this group of friends, and there would always be a lot of drama between me and this one guy. a lot of the people in the group started being really mean to me, and i told myself it was just because they were insecure and liked making me feel bad.

 

 

Just to answer a few questions.

 

1) I have in general followed my therapist's advice, which has led to many improvements in my life. I now am working, in school again, pushing myself socially...largely thanks to her. It's true that I didn't follow her advice to stop talking to Mr. Harvard (though she never said explicitly that I shouldn't see him). But I feel that seeing him is very important to me. It's hard for other people to understand why. I will regret it far more if I don't. Actually, my closest friend, my ex ex ex said the same thing. He told me I would regret it forever if I didn't. He understands me better than anybody else and knows how important to me having this experience was/is.

 

2) My therapist has said explicitly that she thinks a handful of the people on this forum are doing more good than harm and don't have my best interests at heart. She has read all of the threads, and she understands human psychology better than any of us (including myself). I trust her opinion. I italicized a handful because people often assume I'm talking about them when I"m not.

 

Most of the comments I get are genuinely helpful and kind. I'm talking about the small group of posters who will call me names, "diagnose" me with personality disorders or indirectly refer to me as a "bad person." That kind of feedback just isn't constructive. I've been made to feel like a bad person my whole life by my father as well as friends who turned out to be enemies. I don't need to come here for that kind of abuse. I have a few specific members in mind, but they're less ubiquitous than they used to be.

 

3) My therapist actually told me that I shouldn't stop posting here immediately until I found another place to connect with people as a replacement. She said that clearly this forum fills some need for me to feel connected to others, so she can't tell me to suddenly stop posting.

 

Hope that answers your questions.