Author HeatherAngel Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 ...and still no word. Please think of me and wish me strength.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 31, 2008 Posted July 31, 2008 HeatherAngel: From your post above about him cultivating friendships with other women, isn't it a possibility that he is with her right now? Do you know where he's staying? Have you been there? What do you know for sure, having seen it with your own eyes? He may call you tonight, but then what? Who cares if you were his first? YOU ARE HIS WIFE! Why are you laying down and taking this crap from him? When I read your original post I thought I was in the twilight zone. You are WAY BEHIND in the game. GEL
Author HeatherAngel Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 There are no games. I don't play them. SD - thanks. How was your own meeting??
Lizzie60 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Hum.. that doesn't look good.. You wrote: He HAD to leave in order for ME to see that I need to make MYSELF happy and content in order to be the best possible person I can be - and the best possible spouse. And no doubt he doesn't really want to contact the sad, depressed, pleading, desperate woman he left that day. The sad thing is you haven't changed one bit.. he left you in order for you to make yourself happy and content.. but all you did.. was wait for him.. and been miserable over the separation.. that's not good. Of course he doesn't want to contact the same depressed, sad, clingy, needy wife.. but he probably knows that's what is waiting for him again.. he's no fool. Methink he was already cheating with other women.. that's why he wanted his freedom.. to see if he could meet someone else.. he put you on the back burner for a while.. and if it doesn't work out there.. he'll be back for a while.. then he will leave you again.. once he find another potential OW... Sorry but this is probably what's going on..
Author HeatherAngel Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 ...that I hadn't changed a bit. How strange, when it felt I was making progress on myself and my own wants and needs, even if it didn't work out with him. But I'm glad that I have been enlightened. You're absolutely right. I am blinded to his obvious cheating, and I am a fool to wait, and even more foolish to HOPE, and the truth of the matter must be found in all the negativity offered me instead of support. I can't do this folks - I had a 17 year relationship - I am not some teenager that can't get over her first heartbreak. But I do know me, and I do know him - and the fact is, you DON'T. I asked for some support, and sometimes help - not a complete dousing of anything positive about my time apart from him, and my relationship in general. What a jaded bunch. All spouses who need space must be adulterers, and all those of us who stay committed to them (whether the facts are there or not!) are morons. Welcome to the 'kick 'em to the curb' mentality. I don't want to get on that bus with you - but you enjoy the ride, in your bitterness. Good to know. I wish you all the best, despite this.
Lizzie60 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Oh well.. welcome to the real world... If you think that your husband wanted 'free' single time just to think about his 17 yr relationship with you.. and what he should do to make it better and make you more independant.. think again.. ma'am.. cause he ain't..
Angel1111 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Heather, please keep us posted as to how things are going. Maybe you should find a friend to go out with tonight. I think you're going to need support one way or another because this waiting is going to make you nuts.
dead-dyke Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 H~A - You know what your doing, the rest is hearsay.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 There are no games. I don't play them. That's why you're so behind here. He IS! And by not saying anything and allowing what's going on with your blessing, he is winning.
Gunny376 Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I understand that you've been with the guy for seventeen years, and that you feel that getting over him isn't a option ~ but IMHO, this isn't a healthy relationship. And you should remain in NC much longer, and he should stay gone wherever it is currently at. That is until he can learn R E S P E C T for you and your feelings. You need to learn that your own personal happiness, contement, peace of mind, self respect and self esteem comes from within not from another person. And its not alright for him to be sleeping with other women. Aside from the commonly kown STD's there are actually over 1000 of them most of which are not curable. Many of the ones that are curable ~ are become antibotic resiantant. AIDS? Its not just for Gays anymore. You don't need one of those little gifts that keep on giving. Is reconcilation possible? Of course it is, and I strongly suspect that we don't hear from those that do reconcile. And do so successfully (from bothsides). I know a couple that divorced and were divroced for 10 years, and hardly spoke a work to each other during that time, got re-married 10 years later and from all outside apperances are happy as pigs in slop. I know more than one couple who couldn't manage being married to one another but are happy and content living together ~ and have been so for many years after the divorce. Go figure. My advice? Take it slow and easy and don't rush things. Take it one day at a time. Its not always so much about the destination as it is about the journey and what you learn along the way?
TrustInYourself Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Heather, we are going out tonight girlfriend. Call me. I will show you what a real man is. FYI I am about 10 years younger than you, but hey...I'm cool. Haha.
SingleDad Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 HeatherAngel - It's Aug 4th - any alien contact or sightings ?
Author HeatherAngel Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 SingleDad - Yes, quite a lot of big changes for me. Thanks for thinking of me - I have been lurking here, but I'm not sure I want to post anymore... the negativity is demoralizing and too hard for me to stay positive in the wake of the same. I need to hang onto my faith and my assurances in myself, and that's too hard to do with too many people saying "get rid if him", "you're not playing the game right" and "what's wrong with you that you want to wait on this man?" There's nothing wrong with me - I am loyal and faithful, and also spending this time working on myself... it is the best thing, painful as it is at times, for both of us to live apart right now. I don't want to rush into a relationship again - not with him, not with anyone. I'd update you fully, but that just opens myself up to the negativity here, and I will NOT do that. Best wishes to you.
SingleDad Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 HeatherAngel - I would turn to books and a good family values church for hope and positive advice. Books to read are "His Needs, Her Needs" "Hope for the Separated" both by Gary Chapman. And Dr. Harley has several good books listed at marriagebuilders.com - there is also a forum there
SingleDad Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 p.s. I know how tough it is - I cry nearly everyday at the loss of my family unit. I do not need any further discouraging words. I would talk with your H now... keep it light, friendly, hopeful. I do believe the NC is more a tactic to get over someone or avoid talking until the anger and frustrations are over with as they would be more hurtful than helpful... I believe it is impossible to have a relationship with someone you don't talk to. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship - communication that is positive and fun... communication that deposits to Dr. Harley's so-called Love Bank. I am trying to re-start communications with my W - though it is difficult with her living in a different house.
TrustInYourself Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I'm sorry for my last post. I was not myself that morning. Hope things are well.
RobertLS Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Hi HeatherAngel, I just read your story today, and wanted to sympathize with you, or at least TRY to sympathize. I've been married a long time too, and my wife and I are going through a crisis right now and are going through counseling. We haven't separated, but the topic has come up. First, I feel bad for you and how you felt as you wondered why your husband didn't contact you. The emotional pain was obvious in your writings. My wife and I are both feeling a similar kind of pain at the thought of our marriage ending ... the knots in the stomach, sleepless nights, lack of focus in everyday activities, overall yucky feelings. They're awful. My wife and I have been in a dead marriage for quite a while. If it weren't for the kids, I probably would've left several years ago. Why? Because I want to be with someone I can connect with. If your husband didn't feel "in love" and was unhappy, it was probably similar to what I'm feeling -- there's no real emotional connection with my wife. And just like your husband, I have a couple of female friends that I keep in touch with via email, phone, IM, etc. My wife would prefer that I don't, but I've described to her that I don't feel that I have open communication with her, and I do with the other women. We were in counseling about 12 years ago, and the counselor perceived that I felt like I was "walking on eggshells" when I was around my wife. Too much criticism and judgementalism. With the friends I have, there's none of that, and I enjoy the freedom of communication I have with them. As you correctly identified in your situation, my connections with other women is a symptom of problems in my marriage relationship; it didn't cause the problems. And just like you, now that my wife and I are in a crisis, she's almost bending over backwards to make it work. She's afraid of the thought of separating. She tells me she loves me, but sometimes I think she's holding on to something that's not there anymore, a memory. I feel bad for her because I don't want to hurt her. The way you described your husband wanting to leave several times over the past few years, makes me think he didn't want to hurt you either. He probably went through a lot of emotional trauma trying to decide how to leave without hurting you, .... wanting to leave, but knowing it would hurt you. I agree with some of the other posts that say a trial separation with no contact gives him an easy way out. If my wife agreed to that, I think it would make it very easy for me to leave. And having no contact would make it easy to just let things end by fizzling out. In your last post, you said that you were working on yourself. I think that's the best thing you can do. I'm on the fence with my marriage, and my wife doesn't feel there's much she can do to affect things. She's worried that if she pushes too hard, she'll just push me away. And if she doesn't push hard enough, I'll just drift away. It's a really tough dilemma for her, and she finally decided to leave it alone and just work on herself. It has really helped her, and I see her slowly feeling better about herself and our situation. She still has periods of yucky feelings, and so do I, but they're happening less often. Hope things are looking up for you. Take care.
SingleDad Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 HeatherAngel - I was hoping to hear more about about whether contact has been made... seems very strange that H would not have a single call yet. Going through the pain of limited contact - my mind can't stop thinking about what I want to do to save the marriage - but helpless in not being able to call without sounding desperate or pushing - need to whine about it with someone.
Author HeatherAngel Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 SD - I would love to discuss this, but I made a firm decision NOT to set myself up on here for 'bashing' of my hope and my faith in reconciliation. We have had contact - I even saw him. I wish there were some way to talk to you - I guess I could post endlessly until I have 'privileges'! LOL
TrustInYourself Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Why should it matter what anyone here says in regards to matters that only you truly understand and feel emotionally connected to? Sorry if you felt I was one of the bashers. I like to add some realism to my pragmatic approach to dealing out advice. I take it things went well? If so, I'm very happy for you! Take care.
Author HeatherAngel Posted August 8, 2008 Author Posted August 8, 2008 Oh no TIY - never you - you have been nothing but supportive - and amusing! ;-)
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