To Speak or Not To Speak?

[HeatherAngel]

Okay, some of you know my situation, and it is unique. My husband moved out, and we have had NC - at his request - since. BUT - we agreed together - at MY request - that towards the end of July, he will contact me, we will text, flirt (probably), see each other, and see if there is any way to start from scratch, date and BUILD something NEW.

 

So - thoughts... do I, when we speak, or I see him, ask him if he will commit to really giving this a go with me, while we live separately, which means NOT involving any other people (Note: I have already accepted that he will see others, and probably sleep with them - he had no chance to do this before me - I was his first, and only - and I will NOT throw away 17 years on what may be something he needs to get out of his system) who are real beings with feelings of their own; to be sure he isn't leading anyone on, and being fair to US, as a couple? This scenario MAY keep my self-respect, but may make him back away pretty darn fast form the wife he left, who is now putting 'reins' and 'rules'on his 'need for space'.

 

OR - do I stay silent - not mention our relationship - build slowly, and hope the chance comes to have that discussion later, if at all... and present him with a wife he neither expects (I ALWAYS wanted to 'talk' about the relationship!) nor recognizes, as a symbol of the changes I am making? This scenario COULD retain my self-respect, but only if I can TRULY maintain the ideal of 'don't ask/don't tell'.

 

Is it true that if I feign disinterest, while TRULY building myself into an individual that relies on myself for happiness, strength and self-respect/self-love, he will be drawn to me? Why? Have you had experience of this? He walked out on 17 years... my eye MUST remain 'on the prize' of reconciliation and rebuilding - but NOT at the expense of giving up my new-found and fragile self-respect and self-love.

 

I seriously would like your thoughts. What have you tried? Did it work? Why? Why not?

[TrustInYourself]

Don't contact him. This is your time to enjoy. Go out with other people. Try and remember what you enjoyed before your marriage. If you can't remember, try new things and experiment with things that interest you.

 

This is no time to show how much you need, miss, or love him. You want him back. Build yourself into a person that doesn't need anyone.

 

You need to work on being self dependent and to treasure your self worth. You are a very special person and it's going to take time for you to realize that. Your husband is not going to be convinced of this until you are "unattainable".

 

This is not about playing "games", but about self-growth. When you take the needed steps to get over him and move on with your life, then you will be ready to make the decision if you really want him in your life. Maybe you will, and maybe you won't. That's for you to decide.

[HeatherAngel]

Thanks TIY - as always, I value and agree with what you are saying.

 

My question wasn't really whether or not I should contact him - I won't. We left it that he would contact me. I just found myself today wondering over and over WHAT to say or NOT say when we DO speak. I'm sure we will... he'd be one cold-hearted bastard to let me give him his request of no-contact and not live up to his end of the bargain, but I digress...

 

I am not in a position to 'get over him' - we left it open to reconciliation... it's even in our sep. agreement.

[Angel1111]

I'm sorry that you're going through this and I hope things will work out between you and your husband. Did you actually schedule 'flirting' as part of the deal, or are you saying that it's a possibility? I just didn't quite follow that part.

 

I think you need to at least prepare yourself for the possibility that he won't contact you. It would be a effective - although passive-agressive - way of saying "I want out". I'm not saying that's what will happen, I'm just saying that you need to be prepared for it.

 

The reason I say that is because in cases where people have been married that long and they didn't have very many life experiences before that, there has probably been a deep struggle within to 'find himself' for many, many years now. Despite what your agreement was, I'm sure you know that marriage is a very tangled web - a two-edged sword sometimes - and even when someone wants out, they will vascilate back and forth because there's so much conflict going on inside.

 

As far as knowing what to say to him, I would let him do the talking and make any suggestions about seeing you again or whatever else. Just sound happy and he'll be glad he called. I think then you'll know what to say.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[whichwayisup]

Don't date anyone else. If you two are taking time and space to be apart to think, figure things out, in hopes to get back together, then don't date..Actually date, but date eachother.

 

Start slow. Flirt and get to know eachother again. Keep an open mind, and just go with the flow.

 

Always be honest, don't stay silent - If you have something to say, talk to him...This is YOUR marriage on the line and if you want him as your husband again, then do what you feel comes naturally.

[sharebear823]

Hi. I think that you should not "feign" anything. Since you are trying to build a new relationship, you should try to build it on a very solid foundation to give it the best chance to last. That pretty much requires complete honesty from both of you, especially given the "uniqueness" of your situation. Also, it's very clear from what you said that you need to be able to feel the absolute best way possible about yourself, no matter what. That is absolutely as it should be. Being fully honest with yourself and with him, while demanding the same from him, probably will give you the best chance of maintaining your integrity and self-respect. I do not envy you in the least, walking that path, and wish you the best possible outcome for your peace of mind.

[HeatherAngel]

Thanks, folks. It's all so difficult. I just have NO idea which way to go with this... hopefully, that's just my fear talking.

[zennya]

i know the only thing that you can do is to take your time! i wish you all the best going through this difficult time. All the above posts did give very good insights. Good luck to you!

[HeatherAngel]

Still no word from him - at all. I am starting to lose my mind a little bit. My stomach is in knots - does he NOT want to talk to me, this man that I spoke to every single day, for 17 years?? HOW can he not talk to me?

 

And omg - will he not contact me AT ALL? Or contact me to tell me it's all over, no chance of reconciliation, no chance of anything? He just doesn't love me anymore, and in fact did NOT miss me AT ALL?? That a month away from me has shown him he's happier, better off and moved on?

 

Okay - I am driving myself insane. It is so painful, I can hardly breathe.

[sharebear823]

Hi, HeatherAngel:

 

Just a guess, but I think perhaps he is feeling guilty, and therefore feels uncomfortable contacting you. He may also know you have gotten your hopes up about the contact, so he may not want to let you down and hurt you more than has already happened, so he may be avoiding you for that reason.

 

It's not the end of the month quite yet, so maybe you should give it a few more days.

 

Seventeen years? That's a long time. I'm sorry you are going through so much pain. Sending positive thoughts your way.

[SingleDad]

HeatherAngel - It is a long road ahead.

 

July is almost over - so that should help you a bit. But realize come August 1, all of your questions will not be answered. Your H is a wayward spouse who doesn't know what he wants, except independence and freedom. You should not expect that he wil come runnning back to you on August 1.

 

You need to focus on being strong and independent yourself... realize that you can live without him, you have done that for the past month.

 

I have had very little contact with my W for months now - just a short call to talk with our daughter. I expect that for my wayward W it will take the full year or more before I know for sure If she will file for divorce or if she will realize that I do love her and want more than anything to keep my family together - and whether she will realize that her daughter and family are more important than her own independence.

 

All that either of us can do is live one day at a time, focus on building ourselves up and know that we will survive one way or the other.

[TrustInYourself]

How are things? I hope well!

 

Since you haven't posted in a bit, I hope that means you are busy and enjoying life. You should be! It's too short to be constantly stressed and in misery over what someone else is feeling or thinking.

 

I'd highly recommend treating yourself to some good times. Go out and socialize with a good friend! Get a manicure or pedicure or whatever you women love doing! hah.

 

As far as your man. He's left reconciliation on the table so that you are on a tight leash. You want him to feel the pain you are feeling? Tell him you don't want reconciliation. You want it over. Even if you don't.

 

Why? Because you are suffering and dealing with the emotions of a lost relationship and he's not because he thinks you are right there waiting for him at a moment's notice. You are the back up plan, the second woman. Hell with that, right?

 

Get on with your life! Go have some fun!

 

IF, big IF! he calls you, he's going to be non-committal. He's just going to string you along emotionally. These are games that people play to have their cake and eat it too. You need to recognize that and also recognize the growth you've made so far on your own. You can handle life on your own. Sure, it's rough but it can also be amazingly new and fun.

 

So if he calls, you need to recognize that you are being way too emotionally available to a man who is willing to just put you on the back burner. Be strong for yourself and tell him you deserve better. Why? Because you do! You are better than that. You deserve a man who won't take you for granted!

 

I hope things work out for you. Take care and all that jazz.

 

Best wishes.

[HeatherAngel]

Thank you for your responses.

 

TIY - How horrible to think him contacting me is 'a big if'. I have absolutely upheld my end of our arrangement - no contact. It's killing me now, but I'm still doing it, for him. Each day, hour-by-hour, is a long hard wait.

 

My brain is lost in the 'will he get in touch, won't he get in touch, WHY is he not in touch?' fog and I am driving myself insane. I miss him. I really, really miss him. And if we can start communicating, then at least I am moving forwards, either in baby steps on a new start with him, or baby steps on a new life without him.

 

But the not knowing - sheesh. It's painful, it's breathtaking, it's demoralizing, and it is paralyzing.

 

Don't anyone tell me to move on - I can't when I don't know what is happening. And I just. don't. know.

 

Please remember, we have a separation agreement in place that states we will live apart with a positive view to reconciliation. Even after he left, he told a friend he would try with me. It just all feels like a LONG time ago now, and I am fearful he has changed his views, with this prolonged no contact.

[TrustInYourself]

He may call you up right away. I am just concerned for you.

 

If you dont mind me asking, what led to his desire to separate?

[Chinook]

I think if the agreement was he would contact you in July, then it's reasonable for you to contact him tomorrow and find out what's going on. Sorry but to me it does sound like he's doing the passive-aggressive burying his head in the sand thing and not dealing with it until he absolutely has to. I would also prepare yourself for the eventuality that he may have decided to change his views and he wants to separate completely.

[dead-dyke]

Heatherangel, you don't have to move on. Frankly, under the circumstances, it's emotionally impossible. Even if he does give up, there is no way you'll get past this inside of 6 mos. Giving it time is going to feel like years, an eternity, forever, even when it's not. Easier said than done, just relax a bit. He hasn't given up yet unless he says otherwise and even if he did, in time his thoughts would straighten out as well, and the fog will be lifted. I'm not trying to instill false hope, but I think it will be fine from what you have described. Chill out. It's good.

 

P.S. - He may be nervous as well, you know?

[SingleDad]

HeatherAngel - do not move on... Your situation is similar to mine - I can't move on. I'm also not ready

 

But you do need to take care of yourself and be strong - find something to do you enjoy... I currently read books and spend time with my daughter and listen to music I haven't listened to in years - because right now I am not able to have fun going out with friends - I would just be a drag.

[HeatherAngel]

P.S. - He may be nervous as well, you know?

 

I have wondered about this, and think this is a good bet. Thank you.

 

Some days I bash my head with a metaphorical two-by-four and tell myself that he's already gone, would have said anything to just get gone... let go, I tell myself. Move on, heal yourself, stop waiting. But it doesn't last. Hope is that persistent little bugger in my brain.

 

TIY - I don't KNOW for sure why he left. He said he'd been unhappy for a long time, couldn't remember being 'in love'. He'd certainly TRIED to leave me a number of times in the past two years, but always stayed as my crying, pleading, begging sorry ass wore him down.

 

He started communicating via text and email with female friends - I never dealt well with this. I was scared and jealous and possessive and controlling - all traits that were magnified by the situation. I do see now that this was NOT my fault - I don't own this issue of his friednships with women - but for whatever reason, he was drawn to these female 'friends' and got something he needed from them. The most recent was kept secret from me - and then lied about - for six months. She knew all the details of our marriage, and was awfully good at 'advising' him things like how pathetic I am, I am not the boss of him, and (my personal favourite) 'You don't have to sleep with her'. Never once did my H acknowledge that THAT friendship was WAY over a line. HOWEVER - that said, that is the past. I don't know if he's with her now, or if she is in the picture at all - I almost (ALMOST) don't care. It was a SYMPTOM of what was wrong between us, not the cause. I know this.

 

I was hard work - through the whole marriage. Don't think I am saying that it was all me that did all the wrong - absolutely not... but I did turn into a person - well, we BOTH did - I neither liked nor respected. And in the end, he left. I did it all - swearing to be different, blah blah blah.

 

He HAD to leave in order for ME to see that I need to make MYSELF happy and content in order to be the best possible person I can be - and the best possible spouse. And no doubt he doesn't really want to contact the sad, depressed, pleading, desperate woman he left that day.

 

Knowing all this does not make the waiting easier, or the fear less.

[SingleDad]

HeatherAngel - seems you have learned alot from this situation (as we all have who are going through hell and back)... and can see in the mirror from his female friends' comments... I cannot say whether they are true - only you can do that... But it does give you insight into what his thoughts are... and I can speculate from your words alone that his female friends are getting close to him.

 

So learn from it, grow from it, be strong, be independent - that is what your H is looking for from you (right or wrong). You can win, now that you know the situation.

 

p.s. I'm sad - you respond to DD and TIY but not me ?

[TrustInYourself]

I have wondered about this, and think this is a good bet. Thank you.

 

Some days I bash my head with a metaphorical two-by-four and tell myself that he's already gone, would have said anything to just get gone... let go, I tell myself. Move on, heal yourself, stop waiting. But it doesn't last. Hope is that persistent little bugger in my brain.

 

TIY - I don't KNOW for sure why he left. He said he'd been unhappy for a long time, couldn't remember being 'in love'. He'd certainly TRIED to leave me a number of times in the past two years, but always stayed as my crying, pleading, begging sorry ass wore him down.

 

He started communicating via text and email with female friends - I never dealt well with this. I was scared and jealous and possessive and controlling - all traits that were magnified by the situation. I do see now that this was NOT my fault - I don't own this issue of his friednships with women - but for whatever reason, he was drawn to these female 'friends' and got something he needed from them. The most recent was kept secret from me - and then lied about - for six months. She knew all the details of our marriage, and was awfully good at 'advising' him things like how pathetic I am, I am not the boss of him, and (my personal favourite) 'You don't have to sleep with her'. Never once did my H acknowledge that THAT friendship was WAY over a line. HOWEVER - that said, that is the past. I don't know if he's with her now, or if she is in the picture at all - I almost (ALMOST) don't care. It was a SYMPTOM of what was wrong between us, not the cause. I know this.

 

I was hard work - through the whole marriage. Don't think I am saying that it was all me that did all the wrong - absolutely not... but I did turn into a person - well, we BOTH did - I neither liked nor respected. And in the end, he left. I did it all - swearing to be different, blah blah blah.

 

He HAD to leave in order for ME to see that I need to make MYSELF happy and content in order to be the best possible person I can be - and the best possible spouse. And no doubt he doesn't really want to contact the sad, depressed, pleading, desperate woman he left that day.

 

Knowing all this does not make the waiting easier, or the fear less.

 

 

Of course not, Heather. Change is never easy. The difficult part is focusing all of that negative energy into something positive. Use the situation to become a better person.

 

You have the ability to see how your actions contributed to the situation. Now its up to you. Its all up to you. Who is he going to reach when he calls you back? That woman who was sad, depressed, pleading, and desperate? Or is he going to reach someone who is happy, pleasant, self-confident, and independent?

 

Its rough, I know. Its the hope that you contend with. That is what makes it hard. I hope your day looks up. Take care.

[TrustInYourself]

HeatherAngel - seems you have learned alot from this situation (as we all have who are going through hell and back)... and can see in the mirror from his female friends' comments... I cannot say whether they are true - only you can do that... But it does give you insight into what his thoughts are... and I can speculate from your words alone that his female friends are getting close to him.

 

So learn from it, grow from it, be strong, be independent - that is what your H is looking for from you (right or wrong). You can win, now that you know the situation.

 

p.s. I'm sad - you respond to DD and TIY but not me ?

 

I wear better cologne. Peace out!

[HeatherAngel]

It was in no way personal - I value and appreciate all of your comments, of course.

 

Now wait a minute - you're a man, I'm a woman - aren't you supposed to be able to read my mind??

[SingleDad]

This forum wouldn't need to exist if that were the case.

[TrustInYourself]

SD, I would not consider you a drag if we were to hang out. You seem like a pretty reasonable, great guy. I am not sure how I would take your jazz fusion music though.

[dead-dyke]

I wear better cologne. Peace out!

 

 

That was quick. Nice.