blind_otter Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 My S/O's son is with us for the week. He has expressed some things that are very concerning, but my S/O has asked that I not report anything to any authorities, but I feel like he is not safe and someone needs to do something. His mother recently broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years - they had been living in his house. She moved into an apartment with her son. The boy has said that his mother leaves the back door of their apartment unlocked at all times, so that some boys from the complex can come and go as they please. They spend the night often. One of the boys is 10, like S/O's son. The other is 14 and he is the older brother. This first issue is concerning because boys will talk and I think anyone will find out that she always leaves her back door unlocked and they may take advantage of that....case in point: The two boys have a cousin who has moved in with them. She was spending the night as well recently, and a drunk man entered the apartment and sexually assaulted her. S/O's son did not know who the drunk man was and hid in his bedroom while the incident occurred - the drunk man touched the girl inappropriately while she slept on the couch. S/O's exW was not home during the incident. She has been staying the night at a man's house, a man who lives in the apartment complex. She leaves the children alone and unsupervised for the entire night, although according to S/O's son she does come and check on them periodically. But not periodically enough to save that poor girl from being sexually assaulted in her apartment.... This seems VERY unsafe to me. First of all, these children should not be left alone all night. Secondly, the back door should be locked and not left unlocked for random drunk men to enter into her home - who knows what else he could have done. What can I do? I can't report her to Child Protective Services, that would devestate S/O's son and make this into a huge incident. I don't know what to do, but I feel like something must be done to protect these children.
GPFan Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Some women do place being in a relationship above that of being a Mother. It appears that Mother is not interested in mothering right now. Your S/O should first speak with his Son and ask him if he wants to live with Dad for a while. If his Son agrees, then Mother should be approached calmly and told that if she needs "a break" Dad is happy to step in for a while; if his Son wants to remain with Mother right now, simply let him know the offer is on the table and that he can call anytime day or night and Dad will come get him. I think the key here is to offer his Son an out whilst not appearing to threaten his Mother.
angie2443 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 What can I do? I can't report her to Child Protective Services, that would devestate S/O's son and make this into a huge incident. I don't know what to do, but I feel like something must be done to protect these children. This is the one thing that you can do. This situation is dangerious and very neglectful. This is already a huge incident and the son is already bieng hurt, calling the CPS may not help much, but it will at least let the mother know that she is bieng watched and needs to take better care of her child. I just read what GPFan said. I didn't think about this. If the father can take the child, this would be best.
Trialbyfire Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Is your SO considering the possibility that his own son could be sexually assaulted? Molesting children is partially based on the thrill of power and control thus sometimes gender doesn't matter.
Lizzie60 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Your SO should be the one to report this.. and to file to get full custody for his son.. period... Is she living in a trailer park.. sounds like a very 'low class' environment for the kid.. eewwwww
underpants Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Otter, That is distressing. Is is possible for you son to tell his Mom that he wants the door to be locked? Or for him to just lock it himself and check it. I don't understand letting a 10 or 14 year old enter and leave a home at will. Overnights should be scheduled or at the very least a curfew established. If you are up and home you can answer the locked door. Have any of you discussed how dangerous this is with his Mom, especially considering other incidents? Maybe he should stay a bit more at your home if his Mom is away most evenings anyway.
Angel1111 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I think it's equally disturbing that this kid's dad doesn't see any need to protect his son. Ask him how he'll feel if his son ends up raped or dead. By then, it will be too late to fix it. Mom is probably using the other kids to babysit her kid. She is totally unfit and if I were the dad, I'd calmly let her know what he's being told by the son, ask her if it's true, and then suggest that he take the son for now. If she refuses, then he needs to take further action - even if that means calling CPS. It's traumatic but it will get him out of danger. This little boy is telling his dad about these things for a reason - he's scared to death and is crying out for help. As far as I can tell, he can't depend on either parent to protect him. That is truly sad.
Touche Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Why are you more concerned with this than his own father? This is up to him to take care of.
quankanne Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 both of you should talk with the boy about safe places, about keeping doors to the house locked and giving him a key to the apartment. It's a lot to load a kid that age with, but he'll at least have an understanding that he's entitled to a safe environment at home. Also teach him that it's better to call 9-1-1 to report something that's scaring him (like the drunken molester) than to have to live through that kind of situation feeling that he can't do anything to protect himself or his cousin. His 'ho of a mother should be taken behind the barn and whipped ... how damned stupid is she to leave a little kid unprotected?
angie2443 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Why are you more concerned with this than his own father? This is up to him to take care of. When it comes to situations like these, and the adults who are supposed to take care of things aren't, then it is up to us all to step in.
Author blind_otter Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 His father is very concerned, but he feels helpless. He has tried to talk to his exW about the situation, but they have a tenuous relationship at best. She pretty much totally ignores any of his requests regarding parenting. He asked that she not allow their son to play M for mature videogames, and she said she would, but the boy shows up at our house with Grand Theft Auto in his playstation.... When he asked her to please lock the back door she totally ignored his request and kept saying that "These are good kids" - he brought up the fact that it's not about the kids, it's about random strangers entering her home and she said nothing. When he asked her to please establish adult supervision, she just brought up the past (their marriage) and she completely did not want to discuss her private life. He asked her if the man whose house she is staying at is her boyfriend and she said "pretty much"..... He is planning on discussing the issue with the grandparents (exW's mother and his parents) because he feels that his exW may respond better to urging from the grandparents, since she responds so defensively to his suggestions and pretty much ignores him. She will not allow her son to stay with his father, I'm pretty sure of that. S/O's son has expressed a desire to stay with us, but he is conflicted. His older brother (exW's first son from her first marriage) opted to live with his father after she moved to south florida and S/O's son feels responsible for his mother on some level. He doesn't want her to be lonely. So he is torn, and I feel for him. I wouldn't wish this situation on an adult, much less a child of 10. I just don't know what can be done, when the mother is so defensive and uninterested in receiving input or suggestions from outside sources. Unfortunately his mother moved to a town that is 3 hours away from us, and since school starts in the middle of August there is not much time to remedy this situation. S/O has said that he may have to go to court to address this issue...but I think we all know how detrimental this can be. I just wish the adults here would act like adults and listen to each other. But they haven't really done that in the history of their entire relationship, as far as I can tell, so I doubt they will start now. I'm so emotional about everything now anyways, being postpartum, that this situation has really disturbed me. I can't really talk to S/O's son about it, though, he gets embarrassed when I bring it up even remotely and he will ONLY talk about it with his Dad. I'm wondering if there is an alcohol problem or something like that. In the past she has been a good and attentive mother. Maybe she's doing that thing that some people do when they break from a LTR where they go crazy for a brief period of time and drink alot and/or have sex with people they normally wouldn't. I hope this is just a phase.
Angel1111 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I think there might be something that can be done on an emergency basis but your SO will need to contact a lawyer and get his advice. If she's 3 hrs away and she continues this behavior, then calling CPS may be his only option. It really doesn't matter how detremental court or CPS might be - it can't be any worse the the almost guaranteed harm that will come to his son if he doesn't act. As far as this being a phase for her, I wouldn't count on it. And it doesn't really matter anyway. What does matter is the here and now. Believe me, I've been through many ups and downs in my life but not once did I ever dream of leaving my son alone or putting him in any kind of danger. She's basically choosing a man over her son, and putting her son in further jeapordy by not keeping him safe in their home. No matter what the end result turns out to be, she only has herself to blame.
laRubiaBonita Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 what about saying something to the apartment complex management? or the parents of these other kids that are staying at the apt. also, you could call the police and tell them you are concerned, and maybe they could at least do a "drive by" and check in. you do not have to say who you are, just a concerned neighbor.... you could always call the school too, there is usually someone there, maybe a counselor.
Lizzie60 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I just can't get my mind around the fact that the father lets his son with this immature idiot.. what a jerk he is himself.. Why can't he man up and take care of his son??? Methink he's just negligent and would like the problem to just go away... he is totally irresponsible... as far as his parenting skill... he has none.. sad.. I hope he doesn't make any more kids... He can't take care of the one he already have...
quankanne Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 lizzie, I don't think dad's a jerk, just very frustrated because his hands are tied, and if he doesn't handle this delicate situation just right, his son is the one who loses. My guess is that dad's house is the "safe" place, though he refuses to leave his mother because he feels responsible for her, as BO points out. you don't help matters any by venting, because Otter is looking for a viable solution, even though venting may feel good, you know?
angie2443 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Why can't he man up and take care of his son??? Methink he's just negligent and would like the problem to just go away I think this might be what's is going on although I don't want to make an accusation because I don't know all the details. Still, I can tell you, that as a mother of three, that if I were in the same situation as the father, I would be doing anything in my power to get my kids away from the mother.
angie2443 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 lizzie, I don't think dad's a jerk, just very frustrated because his hands are tied, and if he doesn't handle this delicate situation just right, his son is the one who loses. My guess is that dad's house is the "safe" place, though he refuses to leave his mother because he feels responsible for her, as BO points out. you don't help matters any by venting, because Otter is looking for a viable solution, even though venting may feel good, you know? I understand why you think this, but his son is already loosing. His son needs to be removed from the situation he is in.
Lizzie60 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I agree with Angie.. the son is losing one way or the other.. he is too young to take a decision about what HE needs to do.. he can't take care of his mom and it's not healthy to leave the kid there just because the kid feels he IS responsible for his mom.. one more reason to remove the kid from the mother... I say that the father is NOT taking his responsilibities.. I don't care why he thinks he shouldn't be doing anything.. it's bull cr*p... he CAN do something and he doesn't.. it's that simple. I do not believe in the 'he's got his hands tied up' HOW? and WHY? his son needs him and he's just not there for him.. seems like both parent are irresponsible.. IMO.. I feel sorry for that little boy.
Angel1111 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I agree with Angie.. the son is losing one way or the other.. he is too young to take a decision about what HE needs to do.. he can't take care of his mom and it's not healthy to leave the kid there just because the kid feels he IS responsible for his mom.. one more reason to remove the kid from the mother... I say that the father is NOT taking his responsilibities.. I don't care why he thinks he shouldn't be doing anything.. it's bull cr*p... he CAN do something and he doesn't.. it's that simple. I do not believe in the 'he's got his hands tied up' HOW? and WHY? his son needs him and he's just not there for him.. seems like both parent are irresponsible.. IMO.. I feel sorry for that little boy. I agree that the dad needs to do something but when one parent has custody, the other parent cannot just take the kid, even if they think they're in danger. It's extremely touchy. I think the dad is trying to reason with the mom first because when one parent tries to take the kid from the other parent, it becomes all-out war. In this case, dad is going to have to speed this process up because his son's well-being is in jeapordy. That's why a lawyer is the best resort right now because they'll know the fastest way to get results. There are such things as emergency court orders, although I'm not sure of what they're officially called. That's what I'd be doing if I were the kid's dad.
Lizzie60 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Yes I know that.. he just can't 'kidnap' the kid .. but he doesn,t seem to want to do anything about it.. he ask the OP not to report anything... so methink he's just ignoring the problem.. hoping it will go away...
angie2443 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 he ask the OP not to report anything... so methink he's just ignoring the problem.. hoping it will go away... I forgot about this part. Blind_Otter, why does he not want to report anything?
Angel1111 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I forgot about this part. Blind_Otter, why does he not want to report anything? I can take a guess. If they're called, CPS will investigate and this is how I've heard things can go: 1. If they don't find anything wrong, the mom will be put on notice. And I think they will periodically investigate her. Then mom will be furious, and will assume the dad is the one who reported her (I know, I wouldn't care, either). 2. If CPS does find something wrong, they will take the child away. The problem is, they won't just automatically give the child to the dad. This is extremely frightening to a child and it's also why people hesitate to call CPS. They can be very extreme and it can become very difficult to get your child back, even if you're the non-offending parent. I could be wrong about all of this, but that's the way I've heard how things happen when CPS gets involved. Going down this path is a big decision to make and the son's dad probably wants to make sure that he has exhausted all other options before doing this. The problem is, this is a situation where the clock is ticking.
angie2443 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I can take a guess. If they're called, CPS will investigate and this is how I've heard things can go: 1. If they don't find anything wrong, the mom will be put on notice. And I think they will periodically investigate her. Then mom will be furious, and will assume the dad is the one who reported her (I know, I wouldn't care, either). 2. If CPS does find something wrong, they will take the child away. The problem is, they won't just automatically give the child to the dad. This is extremely frightening to a child and it's also why people hesitate to call CPS. They can be very extreme and it can become very difficult to get your child back, even if you're the non-offending parent. I could be wrong about all of this, but that's the way I've heard how things happen when CPS gets involved. Going down this path is a big decision to make and the son's dad probably wants to make sure that he has exhausted all other options before doing this. The problem is, this is a situation where the clock is ticking. Aside from getting a lawyer and fighting for full custody, what other options are there?
Lizzie60 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I can take a guess. If they're called, CPS will investigate and this is how I've heard things can go: 1. If they don't find anything wrong, the mom will be put on notice. And I think they will periodically investigate her. Then mom will be furious, and will assume the dad is the one who reported her (I know, I wouldn't care, either). 2. If CPS does find something wrong, they will take the child away. The problem is, they won't just automatically give the child to the dad. This is extremely frightening to a child and it's also why people hesitate to call CPS. They can be very extreme and it can become very difficult to get your child back, even if you're the non-offending parent. I could be wrong about all of this, but that's the way I've heard how things happen when CPS gets involved. Going down this path is a big decision to make and the son's dad probably wants to make sure that he has exhausted all other options before doing this. The problem is, this is a situation where the clock is ticking. My first ex oldest daugther has been working for CAS for over 20 years... They would investigate for sure,, they have no choice.. if they have reasons to remove the child from the mother ... it's very unlikely that they will place the child with strangers IF the father CAN take the child... and they have nothing against the father... Plus, I should add that foster parents have training plus the social workers.. they know how to deal with children when they are removed from the home... plus it could be safer to remove the child and place him in a nice foster home than to gamble his safety with a dumb mother like that.
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