He kicked me out?!

[xAfraid]

I am a 21 year old female that has been dating an older man for 10 months now. He is 38 years old if for some reason this is relevant.

 

I met the guy after a about two months of dating I moved in with him. Yes, maybe things were a little quick, but there were no signs that anything was sour. He had been married for 10 years prior to our meeting, in which his wife had left him 6 months before our first date.

I lived with said man until March and then had to stay with my father for two months. My father was ill and needed me so I stayed--way longer than I needed to even. Every time I let said boyfriend know I was going to come home he would suggest I stay longer. After a few suggestions of, "You should give it a few more days, I think..." I began to feel that he simply did not want to see me any more and figured the relationship was ending right in front of my eyes; however, it didn't, and randomly one day he suggested I come back "home" with him.

 

I stayed again, happily, until yesterday. My father has been having some mental issues and the boyfriend suggested I stay with my father for a week or two and make sure things were settled out. The boyfriend knows I truly hate my father's house (very unclean, you couldn't even imagine the horror of it, honestly) so we settled that I would ONLY stay a week or two.

 

Anyway, yesterday I had packed my things for a visit to my father when the boyfriend asked me to come see him in the other room for a moment. He then tells me that he doesn't want me to come back to live with him and that I had "jipped" him out of dating. I was in complete shock and asked him why he was kicking me out.

 

He claimed the following, which doesn't make any sense to me:

 

1. "You never do any housework and that is your job being here." So how does the laundry get washed? We've never went out naked. What about dinner, how is it made every single day? Oh, and dishes? Doesn't look there are ANY dirty dishes around at all. It isn't my fault he doesn't want to get rid of the 80 boxes he has laying around in case he needs to ship things! I even go grocery shopping ALONE when he doesn't want to go!

2. "You don't have a job and if you had a job we would have been able to move somewhere I like better." Maybe this is so but he was the one that kept pressuring me to quit my job of 9 months!

3. "You don't tend to the pets and I have to do it all." Which makes NO sense because the cats are fed every day BY ME and the dog is pretty much a 50/50 deal--to me this sounds like he doesn't want to tend to the dog either and is pissed off I've asked him to bring the dog in from outside a few times when I was very tired.

4. "It took you MONTHS before you made dinner here!" Yes, because every time I TRIED to make dinner he got mad and said he wanted to go out and eat. What am I suppose to do? Tell him, "**** you, I'm making dinner anyway, you go out by yourself then," or what?

5. "I told you I wanted you to have a job, not for the money, but so you would have experiences to talk to me about. I even said you should go back to college." Really? So, the move some place else if I had a job thing is a lie? And he flat out told me that if I went to the exercising place then I didn't need to worry about going somewhere else for "experience" discussion. I told him flat-out I had no more grants for college anyway and he knows this! I told him when we first met that I didn't have any more college grants, this is not at all a surprise!

6. "You did not show care for me. You are suppose to tend to me and you just don't. You don't clean the house, you cause me stress, and my business has gone downhill. When's the last time I had a blowjob?" Well, I would give you head but I have oral herpes and we both agreed that I needed to be on the medication until after next month before engaging in such acts again. The business has gone downhill because he's too freaking lazy to WORK on his website. I never told him to chat with friends instead of working.

7. "You kept saying over and over that you didn't want to marry me." I asked him why he thought this and he said it's when I am kidding around and ask him if he'll be my boyfriend forever. I am playing, first of all, and secondly it is suggesting that we be together forever. He was mad once that I said I wanted to marry him and he said it felt like I was proposing and it's the man's job to propose so I've chosen my words carefully as to not make the proposal so he will. Hell, I wish he'd propose to me already then if he says I kept denying marriage to him!

 

I couldn't make this stuff up to save my life!

 

He also said something else that I am very lost in. He once told me he was not attracted to overweight women and wanted me to lose weight. I am doing that with an exercise plan and he has said he was proud of me. Anyway, yesterday he says something to the effect of, "I told you I didn't like fat women. I told you that in the very beginning, but I liked you anyway. You just kept pushing things and I couldn't say you couldn't live here because you have low self-esteem."

Now, yes, I did ask to spend the night with him and that turned into a living arrangement but I never FORCED him to keep me around. I didn't even move any of my belongings in until he flat out told me to get my things and bring them "home" or find another place to live.

 

So, last night I told him my feelings when I made it back to my father's place. I said to him that I felt hurt, betrayed, and dumped. He keeps saying that he did not dump me and the only reason I am staying at this trashy place is because I've been "bad" and need to learn how to fix that. He even went as far as to say, "If you had kept your job you would have been able to get your own apartment by now and you wouldn't be staying in that **** hole!"

Anyway, he keeps saying the relationship isn't over but I truly feel dumped.

 

I told him this:

 

"When a couple is living together and one of them says, "Get out," then what do you think the other person thinks? That things are fine? No, they know that means the relationship is over. That's what I'm getting from this."

 

He says:

 

"No, I told you in every way possible that I am not dumping you. You just have to change or get out of my life completely. If we had been married then I would have already divorced you for taking advantage of me. You have leeched off of me for almost a year!"

 

I also said:

 

"If we had been married do you think it would be right to just kick me out? Would you have done that? You wouldn't let me come back last time and this time you're sending me away. Just tell me you don't want to be with me!"

 

He was angry that I said the thing about marriage and said, again, that he would have divorced me by now. Then WHY is he dating me?!

 

I just don't get it.

He wants me to quit my job but then he is pissed off that I don't work?!

He says I am lazy when I do ALL of the house maintenance (including tending to HIS pets) while he chats on the computer with friends. Granted his business is computers; however, it doesn't make sense that he is "working" when I come in the room to ask him if he wants a drink and he is either chatting with a friend or two or looking at porn!

 

Ugh.

 

So, I need opinions. Do I stick this out? Take it as being dumped?

He won't listen to me that I am hurt--he says I should be for what I did!

 

I am immensely confused.

 

What am I missing?

 

Please help.

[carhill]

What am I missing?

An apartment, it would appear. If your dad doesn't want/need your help, find a friend to move in with temporarily and get a job. Do not waste any further time with this older man. He is using you and demeaning you. The ladies here can put it into better language for you than this man can. You have my sympathies and thanks for taking care of your father in his time of need

[whichwayisup]

Oh man, you need to have fun and date guys your own age, not move in with an older guy and become his wife, do his laundry and clean the house. You two are NOT married and moving with him from the beginning was a big mistake.

 

This guy treats you like crap, you deserve better.

[Shygirl15]

That guy sounds bitter! I think he's still bitter from his marriage; appears to me he's taking out his frustrations on you. It was too soon for him to move on to you, anyway.

 

I think you need to move back to your father's house, no matter how dirty it is, and just move on with your life while at the same time helping out your father. And date people close to your own age next time.

[GPFan]

1. He hasn't gotten over his divorce which I assume his ex-wife initiated.
   
2. He seems very confused. I think he wants his wife back.
   
3. The two of you are in very different stages of life. There would have to be a lot of compassion and mutual understanding for your relationship to work. I don't see it, do you?
   
4. He is demeaning to you.
   
5. He has the need to 'punish' you. It isn't his role, he isn't your Father (though he may be a stand in for your Father).
   

 

Please take care of your biological Father and yourself. Get another job and go back to school. Focus on being the best you can be right now including any weight loss initiatives.

 

You have a lot on your plate right now and don't need the aggravation of a confused curmudgeon in your life.

 

I wish you well.

[mortensorchid]

Hon, there is nothing you need to "get" about the situation except that he is a wreck. Just cut your losses and leave. Doesn't matter if you move back in with your dad or someplace else, you don't need this wackjob in your life. Just move on and pretend it never happened.