heartbrokencanadian Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 A month ago my gf and I (2+yrs together) broke up. we were best friends before we got together and she got in a relationship with me right after she broke up with her ex, needless to say not a good foundation and I have had trust issues ever since. the first 8mnths were incredible, future talks, passionate love making all the time etc, it was beautiful. after a while, things bombed with me at work, i became depressed and kept flip flopping onwhether i should quit my job and in turn put alot of this on her, complained alot, and was quite selfish off and on for about a yr. in that period we had many talks about us, and almost broke up, things changed, i became less selfish and tried to be more in tune with her needs. over the last 6mnths of our relationship SHE was depressed, cold, and didnt care about life, eating bad foods, drinking all the time, and rarely wanting to be intimate or even affectionate with me. (we have fought alot throughout our relationship)I confronted her in april sayin I simply need someone who is affectionate and treats me like i matter, and someone who WANTS to look good/please her man as I do the same for my woman. it worked for a little while, she tried hard to do those things but it was apparant that she really didnt want to, sex was a chore, i HATED having to ask for it. she wanted to end it several times and then changed her mind because she wanted to make it work as did i. well it all ended a month ago, strangely enough a day before i was to have a second talk with her sayin gi NEED more sex or Im done. (sadly she did it over the phone) saying "i just cant do it anymore etc. i know i was needy, insecure, and no self esteem, and she wasnt intimate, got pissed off really easily and was just too "wound about the little things" like how to load/unload a dishwasher. now shes out every weekend with her guy and girl friends, partying all the time, a COMPLETELY different person! it hurts to see shes happier without me!! NOW, i have asked several times that we give it another shot and she says NO, "whats changed in a month?" "i havent changed in a month, im still the same person" she says which leads me to believe she puts the breakup blame on me even though she admits she has issues too and that "it just wastn working out". she also would love to have me as a friend down the road as thats how we started, but i dont know if i can do it. I logically know that we werent the greatest for the majority of our relationship, but know i see everything i shouldve done better and what i want out of a relationship. I am in agony, have few friends but i do spend more time with them, and have thrown myself into work, working out, and spending way too much money on myself in order to feel better....but I still want her back , and am hurting so much. everyone says "get over it, its done, forever, lifes too short" but i cant let go.....im considered an attractive guy with a lot to offer, but i am afraid ill never be happy with a woman again as ive only had 2 long term relationships but alot of "girlfriends" when i was single...how do i cope?is it really BOTH our faults for not working out? CAN we ever get back together? she says she still loves me but doesnt want what we had and is as open minded about us getting together again in the future as she is about dating 1000's of people because "we never know what will happen"...i unfortunately take that as false hope......
chryssy83 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 This sounds a lot like my situation. Except that I was the one who didn't dress up enough or provide enough physical interaction. And I can tell why I think it was like that until I'm blue in the face. He's upset because he feels like I started going out and being different when we broke up. I needed to do it to feel better about myself. Because being left and hearing everything about how he's not fulfilled and basically wants lots of sex more than anything HURTS. It's a blow to her self-esteem. If he came back today I would say the very same thing. I haven't changed. Why? Because I know that as much as I want to be with him I know he won't be any happier with me now than he was with me then. If nothing about you has changed, and nothing about her has changed, you will be back here again if you get back together. I don't know what you do. But don't dwell on the fact that she's getting out and about without you. I doubt she's happier without you than she was with you, but she's apparently not willing to give in to the loss of your relationship and sit around being miserable. Let her cope the way she wants. You ended it, you didn't want her, you can't be mad at her for spending time with other people. Stop thinking that she changed and now you're missing out. If you didn't want it then you won't want it now, either. Let her be happy.
Author heartbrokencanadian Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 i wasnt the one who ended it, i was ABOUT to discuss with her my need for intimacy, but she is the one who ended it i see your point about her out there doing her thing to get over it, good for her she hadnt dressed up or tried to be sexual for a long time, not just the last 6 mnths...is this all MY issue? I have been working on MY issues (selfish, insecure etc, but it takes time) do couples ever get bak together...dammit i feel so alone
Melrapuo Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 do couples ever get bak together...dammit i feel so alone It's not like couples don't get back together, because they do. It depends on the circumstances of each relationship, though. I don't know how mine will end up myself, but I do know that the only thing I can do at this point is just focus on myself. My ex has told me the same; she needs to date other people in order to make sure we don't have regrets if we do get back together, and wants me to do the same. However, she already had a guy to date (she broke up with him already after barely a month). And still she wants to date more. It's not really a matter of how many people she dates, really - at some point she's either gonna realize she made a mistake, or never realize it at all. Either way, what you have to do (and what I've kinda realized tonight) is you have to focus on yourself, and not your ex. At this point, its the only thing you can do. You can't assume, can't push onto her how you feel, can't let yourself always be available - if it was meant to be, it'll work out. If not, life really does go on. I know you don't wanna hear the latter, but its the sad truth sometimes. You can't live your life on the what-ifs. That may be what your ex is doing, and it isn't healthy. Keep in mind that there isn't anything wrong with you though, and to not change yourself only because your ex says you need to. You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy in any relationship, whether its this one or the next.
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