SPLENDID SPLINTER Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 I am married and have a married coworker who I am really good friends with. She and I talk alot at work and alot of times these conversations become sexual in nature. We playfully flirt (like most adults do) with each other but sometimes some of the things she says really catch me off guard. Alot of times she will say she is just joking or play it off as a joke but I really get the feeling that there is something more behind all of this. I admit I do cross the line flirting with her once in awhile but I will quickly change the subject or aplogize for saying something to far out of line. She really does not get alot of attention at home - except for her husband wanting sex from her and somewhat dictating what she does. She has two boys but they are off in their own worlds of childhood. I guess I give her attention and make her feel wanted? I know I EMOTIONALLY uplift her but just because we have an emotional bond with each other and also flirt is that considered an EA.
Meaplus3 Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 I am married and have a married coworker who I am really good friends with. She and I talk alot at work and alot of times these conversations become sexual in nature. We playfully flirt (like most adults do) with each other but sometimes some of the things she says really catch me off guard. Alot of times she will say she is just joking or play it off as a joke but I really get the feeling that there is something more behind all of this. I admit I do cross the line flirting with her once in awhile but I will quickly change the subject or aplogize for saying something to far out of line. She really does not get alot of attention at home - except for her husband wanting sex from her and somewhat dictating what she does. She has two boys but they are off in their own worlds of childhood. I guess I give her attention and make her feel wanted? I know I EMOTIONALLY uplift her but just because we have an emotional bond with each other and also flirt is that considered an EA. It sounds to me like she is unhappy in her marriage and she is getting an ego boost.. from the flirting and attention you offer her. IMO.. an EA could.. easily form from this sort of exchange. I would simply keep your conversations worked related.. and stop the flirting, your both married. AP:)
Keridan Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 You are bordering on an EA. Basically think of it like this; if you would be hurt to find out your wife was doing something, you shouldn't do it. It's really that simple. Since you are obviously attracted to this woman and she feels the same way, I would step back. Like AP says, keep things work related. At the same time, I would just tell her "Look, I love my wife and I wouldn't want to risk hurting her feelings, can we knock off the flriting?" Get some space. Don't talk to her more than you really need to in order to work. I know you consider her a friend, but that's where most EAs start. If you are her comfort for home problems, tell her to go to counseling. You can't be her support if you feel attracted to her. Your advice will be biased and she will find emotions there she shouldn't. Also, be open with your wife. If you feel like you have to hide something, she will sense it and problems will develop. Tell her you've got a friend you flirt with but it's making you uncomfortable so you are helping her to get counseling, then getting space.
Trialbyfire Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 Try this sometime if you're able to. Don't communicate with her for a week. If you find yourself discomfitted and need to connect during this time, you've gone too far.
carhill Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 OP, think about this....what is the difference between the relationship and interaction you have with this female co-worker than what you would have with a close male friend? Examine that. It's good to be supportive of friends and validate their feelings. That's what friends do. You could do that in front of your wife. I often do this with my wife's female friends. Could you interact with this person in the manner you have in front of your wife? Why? I think that's a great way to define the boundary....
angie2443 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 She really does not get alot of attention at home - except for her husband wanting sex from her and somewhat dictating what she does. The only way you could know this is if you were a fly on the wall at her home and saw it all. Right now, you are just going by what she sais and believing her because you like her. This is why is not so healthy to vent about your spouse. You're not presenting the whole story. This is an EA. I'm guessing that if your spouses were present when the two of you were together, you would act much differantly then if they weren't there. My advice, is to tell your wife what is going and decide together what value, if any, your marriage still has. They go from there.
Owl Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 What does it matter if the LABEL on it is "emotional affair" or not??? YOU KNOW THAT ITS WRONG. YOU KNOW ITS CROSSED A BOUNDARY. YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T DO IT IN FRONT OF YOUR WIFE. It doesn't matter if you call it a cheese sandwhich...you know its time to re-establish those boundaries and put an end to it before you go further down this path. Right?
angie2443 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 What does it matter if the LABEL on it is "emotional affair" or not??? I think people often get hung up on labels when they want to continue a behavior that is harmful but without the guilt. If they can avoid the negative laber, then their mind can justify the harmful behavior.
Trialbyfire Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 There are a lot of people who aren't even aware that EA exist. Many who do know it does, don't believe it's real cheating since they don't have physical contact with the other person. Maybe couples might want to understand the other partner a bit better by discussing their core beliefs and value systems, defining what is acceptable and what's not acceptable to the relationship.
Lookingforward Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 What does it matter if the LABEL on it is "emotional affair" or not??? YOU KNOW THAT ITS WRONG. YOU KNOW ITS CROSSED A BOUNDARY. YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T DO IT IN FRONT OF YOUR WIFE. It doesn't matter if you call it a cheese sandwhich...you know its time to re-establish those boundaries and put an end to it before you go further down this path. Right? Too funny........and right on.
silktricks Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 She and I talk alot at work and alot of times these conversations become sexual in nature. We playfully flirt (like most adults do) with each other but sometimes some of the things she says really catch me off guard. Alot of times she will say she is just joking or play it off as a joke but I really get the feeling that there is something more behind all of this. I admit I do cross the line flirting with her once in awhile but I will quickly change the subject or aplogize for saying something to far out of line. Would you feel comfortable with this behavior if your wife was there? If her husband was there? No? Then it's out of line. She really does not get alot of attention at home - except for her husband wanting sex from her and somewhat dictating what she does. She has two boys but they are off in their own worlds of childhood. How could you possibly KNOW this? I'm sure it's what you believe, based on what she has said, but you don't know that this is the case at all. I guess I give her attention and make her feel wanted? I know I EMOTIONALLY uplift her but just because we have an emotional bond with each other and also flirt is that considered an EA. IMO yes, you two are having an EA. I would say that there's no doubt that she is - as she is complaining to you about her husband
smartgirl Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 I believe that what you are describing is indeed an EA. But as it was so brilliantly put, it doesn't matter if you call it a cheese sandwich, the fact that this is a relationship outside your marriage that you would surely not feel comfortable talking about makes it clear it is a problem. Notice, I did not say it is "wrong." Despite being a BS, I try not to make moralistic judgements. But if you value your marriage and you love and respect your wife, you shoud be aware that you are doing something that will in all liklihood lead you into waters over your head and hurt the people you love. My H had a number of EA/flirtation with EA before the real thing finally happened. He had always had trouble establishing close male friendships but found it much easier to be friends with women. He is an intelligent, ethical, grounded, unegotistical man and women like him. women of all ages. What he said in our MC once was that he now knew that he needed to avoid going out alone to lunch or whatever with other women and having conversations about personal lives. That had led him to having feelings of intimacy with these other women that he now realized had been damaging our marriage and ultimately put him in a postion with a woman who wanted to go beyond flirting. she was looking to get out of her marriage, though she said otherwise, and he did not realize how out of control this was going to get. You are on a dangerous path and I hope you have the sense to see that before it is too late. Please update with your thoughts.
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