soooconfused Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 My story is pretty crazy, its been very hard to deal with the past couple of weeks. Here it is in a nutshell: Married 12 years, 2 kids. Separated 5 years ago for 2 years. Got back together 3 years ago. We both had relationships during the previous separation, we learned to move on from those and work things out. I just moved out again this past January. Prior to moving out in January I moved into the basement for the last 7 months I was in the house. We agreed while we were still under the same roof we would not date other people. I found out she was definitely sleeping with an old boyfriend, and perhaps other people as well. She lied about it, I caught her. When I finally moved out, I started dating my best friends ex-girlfriend (still am dating her). He stopped talking to me because of this. She was key in helping me deal with everything that was going on, she comforted me. I did however lose my best friend. Well, my best friend and I are now talking. I found out when my wife and I were previously separated years ago he slept with her. So I guess both him and I pretty much screwed each other over. I am a big believer that true friendship can overcome all, I am hoping him and I can move on as friends once again. I have also found out that since I moved out in January my wife has been sleeping with numerous people. I can kind of understand needing the comfort, but it kills me to think that the woman I was married to for so long is able to just sleep around the way she does. The most confusing part of all this for me is that thought in the back of my head about what if we do come back around again and ever try to work things out (it kills me doing this to the kids). Would it ever be possible to overlook everything that has been done?????? It is so hard to move on and never imagine the family being back together again. edited to add - The stress level because of this is the through the roof. Can anyone recommend any medication that helps alleviate stress and that knot in the stomach that comes along with stess????
Keridan Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 Being an ex-drug-addict with a specialty in pharmacueticals, I can tell you that there are a ton of drugs out there that can help. However, I won't name them. Getting them off the streets is crazy and if you do it right by going to see a psychiatrist, he will name the right one for you. Drugs aren't the only answer, however. They might make it easier, but you have to work on the situation, too. I do recommend counseling. You need to be able to talk through a situation like this in great detail. I seriously dated a girl when I was younger and when we broke up, she slept around a bit before hooking up with the guy I called my best friend. They are actually still together years later as far as I know. My situation was easier. We didn't actually marry and we didn't have any kids. I eventually went no contact and life got much easier for me after a while. Considering you have already tried so many times, I would say do your best to give up on the idea of getting back together. Holding that door open just makes things harder. And as a child of divorce, I can tell you that the kids sense it. Try not to worry about her choices as how they affect you. If she's not bringing a ton of guys around the kids and/or acting inappropriate around them, then let her be a mother to your children and someone from your past. Worry about the kids and your future. I'm sorry you are going through this. There is no easy answer to how you are feeling. It's just a sh--ty situation. I do wish you luck and hope you find something that helps make it easier.
imagine Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Whey....! Untrustworthy, undependable, multiple partners, slept with best friend with whom you've reconciled, stress over future loyalty. Now, what is the down side to this reconciliation again......
SingleDad Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 You need to go to counseling together and you both need to figure out what it is you want to do and stick to it. If both agree to work it out then you can.... IT is up to you if you can leave the past behind you. If you can't then let it go and move on.
sharebear823 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Well, I can understand why you are so confused! I think that since you decided to separate, it wasn't too likely that your wife would listen to you regarding the "no sex until I move out" rule. Since the sex drive is a lot like other survival-based drives, it's a little bit difficult to try to overcome nature (except for my husband, if you read my post, but I think he's unique.) Most people aren't able to overcome that drive, in my opinion. Maybe the body is hard-wired to look for sex and take it where it comes? Anyways, I'm sure that's not a very comforting thought, but the fact that you both have done this during your time apart at least puts you on "equal footing" in case you do decide to reconcile. It may be that you could just agree, as you did the last time you reconciled, to put the past in the past and move forward together. I would think this time it would be harder to justify doing that, given that you already tried once and it didn't work out. Do you know what triggered the latest separation? If you do want to reconcile a second time, I think you shouldI try to figure out why this has happened again, and how to avoid it in the future. That is what I am planning to do if my husband and I decide to reconcile. Otherwise, I don't know if I can trust him not to do that again, and I would think it would be harder to come back after each time. I seem to always be recommending counseling to everyone. Have you tried that? If so, what happened? I think the Dr. Harley Marriage Builders website, which another poster recommended to me, is a really good source of information with great ideas that you can implement right away to try to improve the odds of things working out well.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Prior to moving out in January I moved into the basement for the last 7 months I was in the house. We agreed while we were still under the same roof we would not date other people. I found out she was definitely sleeping with an old boyfriend, and perhaps other people as well. She lied about it, I caught her. Separated but living in the same house just doesn't work. Too many trappings of marriage and emotional reference points. If you can't successfully live under the same roof while married, why think you can pull it off when communication is at an all-time low and anger runs high? To a great extent, you've moved on and so has she. Any time spent thinking about who and when she slept with just takes away from your focus on your kids and new life. Time to get going... Mr. Lucky
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