Asking for support

[Agent_99]

I've been lurking here for a couple weeks. I really need some support in ending my affair. There is some support in my daily life, but this is going to be really hard for me. I have been very weak in continueing the affair, and similar to quitting smoking all my failed attempts only make it harder to really do it.

 

I'm going to try and give some backstory and I apologize for the length, it's been complicated with very little time for me to breath and gain perspective.

 

Last year I started college. I was married and my marriage was suffering, although I think neither of us wanted to admitt it. For the first time in our marriage I was getting out and making a lot of new friends through school. I started a new job that was going to be a great help in the direction I want to go with my eventual career.

 

Now I have always had a tendency to develop crushes, and would fantasize about that person, but usually as I came to know them more the crush went away and we would develop a good friendship.

 

Let me add that I was married to a man, and I called myself bi.

 

I developed a crush on a woman in one of my classes last spring. She is a lesbian and has been with her partner for 9 years. We had a lot in common and would have very interesting conversations during and after class. This was a class that encouraged everyone to talk about their personal lives if they felt comfortable.

 

I'm trying to keep this breif. Basically my marriage had deteriorated to an emotionally abusive one, and on a few occasions physically. We were together for 13 years. Last fall my MW and I started getting a lot closer and as soon as we did, we both acknowledged an attraction for each other. When we did this it started opening a flood gate of repressed emotions in me. Within a week we were moving into a physical relationship. Within the month we both realized that this was becoming more than friends with benefits (Which niavely we thought we would be) We both intended to stay in our current relationships.

 

Things began to deteriorate rapidly with my now XH. He has always been somewhat emotionaly needy, which I now began to resent as I wanted more freedom for my A. We started fighting on a regular basis, something that we RARELY did our entire marriage. Part of it was I was standing up for myself for the first time, part of it was he was threatened by my newfound independence of him. And well a lot more than that.

 

My marriage culminated with a huge arguement and me not coming home. I had actually ended the A at this time, and her and I had agreed to be friends only since we were developing deep feeling for each other.

 

So my marriage disolved. It was emotional for both of us. It was hard, but looking back we can both now see how unhappy we were together. We were just both very good at pretending that we had the perfect marriage.

 

I have since come clean with him about everything and we are learning how to be friends for our children as well as for each other. We always did make very good freinds.

 

A week after I left XH, MW and I resumed the physical A.

 

I moved into house of my own and we spent a lot of time together, pretty much all of our spare time. Her partner works a lot. Two of our kids are the same age and are friends, so we did a lot together outside of the physical A.

 

I started to want more with her though. For a while I think the A was part rebound on my part. But as more time went by my feelings grew very deep. Here was someone I was very compatable with, we have fun together, we talk about everything, someone I didn't feel like I had to protect myself from.

 

Because we spent so much time together it was almost like we were dating. Some people talked, but we were always extremely careful.

 

This last spring though, I started drinking pretty heavy for me. Almost every weekend I was at the bar. Weekends were the one time that we rarely saw each other. The whole time of our affair I had tried at least once a month to end it. But we would always agree to keep talking and within a day or so, I would give in to how much I was hurting and how much she was hurting. I basically would talk myself back into the A.

 

But deep down I knew I couldn't continue only having part of a relationship without it tearing me apart. The problem was she had become my sole confidante and support. I was lonely and she filled a hole.

So in march I went away for a week to get my head together and make a final decision. It didn't help, we continued to talk on the phone during that week, and when I returning home I was even more of an emotional wreck. I was feeling guilty towards her partner, and felt like I would never be strong enough to end it.

 

So I told her partner. I thought this would make my MW angry enough at me that it would be over. I really didn't think her P would leave her. I was right on the last part. I decided to move away. I had some money saved so I planned to go on a series of vacations to visit family. A week and a half later she calls me. Tells me how miserable she is without me, how much she misses me and all that. We spent the better parts of my vacation talking on the phone. We knew that we could never resume the A as it was. We agreed to be friends and if a physical A happened when we could see each other then it would happen.

 

Well I tried starting my new life where I had moved to, but there wasn't very little work and I was starting to get anxious about being stable enough to get back into college this fall. Plus I missed my family that lives in the same area that I had moved from to get away from. We talked for the better part of a month about the consequneces of me moving back and about how nothing between us could change, she couldn't risk being seen with me. We would just continue to talk on the phone only.

 

Well it didn't work out that way. My first day back she asks me to meet her, although for very practical reasons as she had something to give me. I think we both knew it was an excuse, she could have passed it onto one of my family members, all who know about the A and are friendly with her.

 

So I've been back a little over two weeks and we've seen each other 5 or 6 times now.

 

Last week I asked her to leave her P. We talked about it and ultimately she decided she can't . It isn't a healthy relationship for either of them, but financially they would loose a lot if they were to split. Plus the kids, plus when your in an emotionally dysfunctional reltiaonship you feel like you can't leave.

 

So I know it has to end. I'm not helping her or her relationship with her P. I'm not helping myself by continueing to give all of myself to only part of a relationship. And one that has no future.

 

Since ending it suddenly has not worked to this point, I've decided to withdraw slowly. Little by little. Our daily phone contact will cut back soon, as my new job will conflict with the best times in her schedule. I'm going to stop suggesting times for us to see each other. I'm going to start focusing on myself, I want to start excercising again and quit smoking. I'm going to really develop my social life with the few really good friends I have left since the A ended.

 

When the A ended this spring her P spread some pretty horrible lies about me. And it got pretty far before my MW found out and asked her P to stop. People that didn't even know we were freinds have come up to me since I came back and asked me about it. The thing is the lies were pretty unbelievable so people are questioning it and it hasn't affected my ability to get work, which was something I worried about.

 

MW and I have talked about the changes in me, that we both know that the A is no longer sustainable, but even still she isn't really willing to give me up. Again I remind myself that this isn't a REAL relationship where she gets a say in my decision making processes though.

 

There are still some compications, such as her P doesn't know that i'm back yet, but that is only a matter of time now. Neither of us know how her P will react when she finds out, whether she will just crack down on MW or what. MW had made the decision to tell P soon that that she knows I'm back.

 

I'm very confused about a lot of things between her and I. One thing is that since I've been back when she drops me off or I drop her off (when we meet we usually park one vehicle somewhere) she kisses me goodbye. Something we never did before. Hope springs eternal and sometimes I think she wants to get caught by some of her actions. Others I think she just gets a kick off the risk taking. Realistically I think it is a combination of the two. She is very unhappy with her P, but admitts that she's not strong enough to end it.

 

Another thing I worry about is P's reaction when she finds out I'm back. The homefront may get too bad, and while I want to be there waiting to 'pick up the peices' I don't think that is healthy for anyone involved.

 

Underneath everything I feel for MW is a deep love, the kind that tells me I need to do what's best for her. And I think that continueing an A with me is NOT it. I hate that it's come to a point where I feel like we can't even be friends eventually. I think that the EA is the real hurt to her life, the PA is just an added bonus. But it's the EA that we are both afraid of ending. The loss of support and deep connection. The loss of knowing there's someone who cares about what you think and feel. We both cheer each other up when we're low, we support each other when things are hard, we talk about the daily stuff and the deep stuff.

 

I do understand that I am just a 'bandaid' to her relationship with her P, between P and I she gets a whole relationship. I meet the needs that P just isn't willing to fullfill anymore. But it's not fair to anyone involved. So I have to keep gathering the strength to end it.

 

I'm hoping for support, perspective and advice. I'm not always good at seeing the harsh realities when they hurt too much and I think that is part of proper perspective especially in this situation.

 

~99

[LakesideDream]

The only advise I would offer would be to get some distance. At LS it's called "no contact".

 

Talk to your affair partner and tell her you need 60 days... no contact to search for your feelings. Ask her to do the same. You two will know in a couple of months what the truths in your relationship are.

 

Life is tough... but what you are participating in makes it a lot tougher. A break might be just what you need!

 

Good Luck.

[whichwayisup]

I really need some support in ending my affair.

 

You have so much understanding and insight into your own situation, it's full of pain and I'm sure walking away isn't going to be easy. You can do it because you have to do it.

 

This isn't about love anymore, nor is it about being with her or settling to be the OW. This relationship is making you feel bad and the negative points of it is outweighing any good that you did feel.

 

Lake is right, NC is the way to go. Ask her to respect your wishes to leave you alone so she can either fix her relationship or end it. You can't be in her life during that process. This time apart will help you detach and start healing. IF she ends her relationship, then take it slow ... If she doesn't end her relationship, atleast you can end the rollercoaster ride once and for all.

[Agent_99]

It is amazing to have found this forum, where people understand. I've lost friends to this, although I guess they weren't the kind of friends I wanted if they judged me so harshly.

 

NC will be VERY hard for both of us, except for the time right after I told her P we have talked for at least an hour a day everyday for 10 months. Sometimes when we talk I think to myself that we are having married people conversation, the kind I used to have with my X. But we talk about everything in our lives. I share everything with her, and as far as I know she does with me.

 

Sometimes I have the sticky thoughts, such as - how could I break them up without MW knowing that it was my fault. Things that aren't me, well I guess they are a part of me since I think them, but they aren't something I'm willing to do. I realize that it is just part of me wanting to control a situation that I have felt so lost to.

 

I've realized that me sitting MW down and seriously asking her to leave her P was the beginning of the end. It had more to do with me facing the reality that she REALLY isn't going to leave P. It is a hope that I still cling to, can't seem to stop myself.

 

I think that NC is going to be best. She plans to tell her P tomorrow that she heard I was back in town. At this point we are still planning to talk by phone, and email. I am actually tutoring her in one of her summer classes and it will be over the middle of Aug. So I am going to give the homefront a little time to settle down before I hit her with this one.

 

We have already talked about ending seeing each other since once she tells P, P will become FBI again. She won't be giving MW any space for a while.

 

I feel bed doing this, right when she thinks that a full time A is going to resume after P calms back down, but she is also very understanding and knows how much I have been hurt.

 

I know that I need to refocus on myself. I just worry about her, she doesn't have any close friends, P runs them off. I have seen this happen as we all used to be in the same circle of friends. P doens't want to hear about MW's 'stupid problems', as anything that MW brings up is often refered to.

 

I'm going to try to impress upon MW to get herself into counseling so that she has some support while we are going NC. I plan to go, if I can afford it. If not I"m guessing i'll become a regular here, nothing like the INet to replace real life

 

So kind of like quitting smoking, I'm going to set a date to quit and have a plan to keep myself healthy, and try very hard to avoid depression.

 

Thanks so much to those who have taken time to read my very abbreviated story. Even if there isn't any real advice to give, maybe reading mine will help someone else. Reading others' stories here have helped me, that's for sure! I'm beginning to see that the intensity of what we feel for each other isn't just us, seems to happen in a lot of A.

 

~99