New to separation - sorta

[the2gman]

Wow.....I was reading some of your stories...and well quite frankly, felt many of you understood what I'm going through.

 

SHe left again on Friday. TO a friends house who is married with kids. So i feel she is not out running around.

 

But this is the 3rd time in like 3 years. Each time it was just for a few days. She wasnt sure those times but came back. THis time its long, she wants to be out for at least a week.

 

She has had an affair like 4 years ago. How long and how far it went, I didnt want to know.

 

LIke 6 years ago, she took some pills and i was the lucky person to find her on the couch unconscious, trying to shield her from the kids "oh, mom is just sick and needs help, just go upstairs guys......."

 

SHe acknowledges it's her. Her mom had like 5 husbands, she left all of them, though some abuse was involved.

 

SHe did have to deal with some incest and abuse as a child, having seen and been abused herself.

 

SHe has had a rough life. But I was and am goood to her. Never abused her. Never hit. Dont go out with the guys. I cook, clean. Dont get drunk, unless its with her.

 

Shes not sure this time how she feels, She tells me I overbearing. Always asking where shes at. And she says she knows it cause of her affair, and knows I wasnt like that before. And I agree I am.

 

I dont know. Every time we talk on the phone it seems to be hard. We fight somewhat. I am sure this really makes her want to come home. But i jsut want her to communicate. Shes closing up.

 

Im getting tired. I love her, but dont really feel she is in love with me, only loves me for being there for her.

 

We have 3 boys, 2 of them are older, one is 12. I am trying to shield them from this now, they know mom is going through a touch time, thats all.

 

I am soooo rambling. I dont know what to do, I cant even cry anymore. I went out the other night and walked for 4 hours, crying all the while......

 

Its been almost 20 years of marriage. I love her dearly. I told her the other day the problem with me is that i put ALL my heart in her hands. I guess thats pretty dangerous to do, especially where we're at today.

 

I am rambling.... but it helps to write this out.....heck,...i have no one to go to bed to so I guess i can write all night long!

 

Thanks for listening

[TrustInYourself]

It sounds difficult. At some point, you're going to have to take your heart out of her hands and put it in your own hands. There's a fine line between loving someone absolutely and being codependent on them for your own happiness.

 

Recognizing that you are the only one responsible for your own happiness, should address some of your issues with being overbearing.

 

As far as your trust issues, it's a matter of where you both are at in terms of communication, openness, and an ability to put your love over the hurt.

 

If you just swept the affair under the rug, there's bound to be some very powerful, negative emotions there that could split you two even further. I'd highly suggest some sort of counseling or mediation so that you both can address the affair and put it in the past, while growing and learning from it.

 

I'd also highly suggest putting your emotions on the backburner for the time being and start thinking rationally about what's best for you, your wife and your kids. I think you are doing very well in a very difficult situation, so take strength and pride in knowing that.

 

Best of luck and best wishes! Take care.

[the2gman]

Thanks TIY. It hard, especially on the weekends. At least during the week I can go to work and somewhat divert my mind to things other than our relationship.

 

I had a nice long phone call with her today. SHe keeps saying she thinks it might be too late. Maybe it is. But this is the first time she truly opened up to me and told me exactly what has been bothering her: that I am overbearing ( I agree due to affair a few years ago) and that we really don;t have a life outside of each other (and I agree).

 

I can change, I am pretty strong willed when I want something. And I do want this marriage to work out. But she says shes not sure that its not too late, that her feeling this was for so long has pushed her away from me. Of course I remind her that this is the first time she's opened up and told me how she has been feeling. Oh, and she does say she feels the counseling may not work ( and to some extent I believe she does not want to face her past which could come up during counseling).

 

Its hard....one day at a time. TOday I went and got a haircut. SPent a little time alone but for me, it was nice. Of course, then I have to go home and thats where the sadness is for me.

 

It's may birthday tomorrow (Happy Friggen B-Day to me!). She and I are going to an amusement park. I dont want to nag, I just want to enjoy the day. I hope its an enjoyable day!

[whichwayisup]

She needs to do therapy on her own and fix herself. Something is missing inside of her, or has been broken for a long time. I honestly think she does love you, more than you know, but again, she has some serious issues that affect her that need to be faced and dealt with. Ofcourse she wants to run away from counselling. It is hard as hell to look at yourself, remember things from the past, deal with issues, fears, problems and change them. Fixing oneself isn't easy but if she can do it, you'll have your wife back. She just can't let fear get in the way. Fear of change, fear of working hard and fear of feeling emotions.

 

I am sorry that you are going through this, and I feel for your kids too.

[the2gman]

Thanks for the comments whichwayisup. I notice you've been here a while, and looks like you have likely helped out with more than a few people here.

 

Question.... do I push harder for her to go to counseling? Or do I let her figure it out on here own?

 

If I push too hard, I risk her pushing back at the least, and running completely at worst.

 

I have also said I would go to counseling to deal with my issues of insecurity and being overbearing at times.

 

I just truly am in love with her, and I feel she loves me, but is not in love with me anymore.

 

Like I said before, we are going to spend my birthday together tomorrow at an amusement park with our 12 year old. I really hope its a good day. I know though in her mind, even if we got along all day (which we usually do), that it would'nt change how shes feeling.

 

I just need time to absorb and deal with all of this. Its hard....very hard.....the tears are slowing down and are less frequent, which is good.

 

I hope tomorrow is a good day, I need it!

 

Thanks again

[Gunny376]

She needs to do therapy on her own and fix herself. Something is missing inside of her, or has been broken for a long time. I honestly think she does love you, more than you know, but again, she has some serious issues that affect her that need to be faced and dealt with. Ofcourse she wants to run away from counselling. It is hard as hell to look at yourself, remember things from the past, deal with issues, fears, problems and change them. Fixing oneself isn't easy but if she can do it, you'll have your wife back. She just can't let fear get in the way. Fear of change, fear of working hard and fear of feeling emotions.

 

I am sorry that you are going through this, and I feel for your kids too.

 

 

Yourwife has issues which need to be addressed via IC, and she needs to be out and on her own until she can reconile her past with her present. You need to meantime protect the marital home and the family unit, that is to say ~ take care of those three childen of yours. The wife needs to get "well" before she rejoins the family.

[the2gman]

Thank you all for your comments. Each of you has some very valid points of view and recommendations.

 

Today was my birthday and we went to an amusment park with our 12 yr old son. It really was a good day. Some hand-holding and just a little talk, like "how are you doing right now"....stuff like that. I don;t think either of us wanted to get into any heavy conversations.

 

At lunch, I asked her if she intended on coming back on Friday, and she looked at me with a "of course I am" kind of look. I was extatic (sp?). I guess that gives me hope. It's going to be a long week without her, especially at night in bed alone.

 

My best friend told me today it was probably best that I get into counseling, even if she doesn't, as it would help me talk through some of this. I agree. I will go tomorrow and see waht I can get into. I am concerned about any "stigma" that might go alone with counseling. Not sure how much my work will know if i go through their "confidential" employee assistance program.

 

Thanks again. It really does help to type my thoughts and get some feedback here.

[Simon Leon]

There is no stigma with going to counciling.

 

It is no ones business but yours and employee assistance programs are confidential.

[the2gman]

Thanks Simon Leon. Looks like we're both in soCali.

 

I do work for a very ethical community-based organization. I would be so surprised if they were anything but confidental with their employee assistance program. I will look into it tomorrow.

 

Thanks again

[misternoname]

Hello G Man...man can I relate to your situation!

 

Here's the abridged version. Married for 24 years to my high school sweetheart. I grew up in a very stable home. She, on the other hand, grew up in utter dysfunction...baby of 7 (two different dads). Her father died when she was 10. Mom is an uneducated hillbilly...siblings all had drug trouble, babies out of wedlock, trouble with the law etc. My wife was the only one that didn't get into trouble but she was surrounded by it.

 

Shortly after we married she had a fling. I forgave and took her back. Shortly after our first child was born she did it again. Took her back again. When she turned 40 she had an affair with a friend of mine that was a lot more than sexual ("L" word was used). We stayed together but never fixed anything. Things were starting to calm down when damn if she didn't have a no emotion fling with some dude she met in a bar. Needless to say, i was devasted. It was agreed that she would move out for 30 days to reflect on everything. She started to see a therapist and said she was committed to finding out why she couldn't be faithful. Two weeks in she went back to the same bar...met another guy and has been dating him since.

 

At the end of the thirty days she came to me and said she didn't want to be married any longer and had secured a lease on a regular apartment. She soon after brought me papers from a mediator to start the divorce process. I signed them and started dating myself...totally resolved that my old life was over.

 

Here we are a month later and she has done nothing with the papers! I asked he if anything had changed. She said no but she jusn't hadn't got around to filing. So I backed off and continued with my new life.

 

Within the last week I found out through her friend that "something" has changed but she couldn't share with me any specifics. I asked my wife what was going on. She said she doesn't feel the same as she did a month ago and there's a reason she hasn't done anything with the papers but didn't want to share anymore at this time.

 

I'm meeting her and her therapist this afternoon for a joint session. Guess I'll know more later. We actually went to dinner together last night and it was very pleasant. She said she did indeed miss me. Her text messages over the last week have been all signed off with "I love you." I had none of that in the previous couple of months.

 

The only truly encouraging thing is she is now saying that she knows having affairs is wrong regardless of the reason and she no longer wants to be "that person." She also mentioned that if we were to ever get back together it would only be if she was 100% committed to being a loyal spouse. She also said she would never return to the marriage if she couldn't guarantee that she was 100%...not even if she was 99%.

 

I know many of you will think I'm an idiot for even considering taking her back but other than the infidelity she's a good spouse and I love her very much. Is it naive to think maybe she can change? I don't know but I'm willing to at least consider it.

 

Can people change? Isn't that the $64,000 question???

 

Good luck with your situation...too many similarities!

[SingleDad]

Sounds like Hosea from the Bible - perseverence to the extreme

 

http://www.thechapelatcrosspoint.com/dev/?page=sundays find the sermon dated 4/22/07 titled "The Endurance..." the second half of the sermon is the story about Hosea.

[the2gman]

Thanks for sharing your story Misternoname. Perserverence is a good thing I believe. But there also has to be a point at which you walk away. I certainly am no where near that with my wife.

 

I do find it somewhat therapeudic ( not sure if thats the correct word) to come on here and write out my thoughts. It also good to read of others that have been in similar situations and how some good, some bad, have worked through them.

 

I meant to check into counseling today through our work's employee assistance program. I got tied up, and honestly procrastinated a bit, and didn;t call today. I wrote the number down on my insurance card and will call tomorrow. I think its a good for me no matter what happens in my marriage. I have become very dependent on my wife for my happiness. AnD I think too much,

 

Thanks for all your kind words...and thoughts....and experiences...one day at a time..and today was an OK one even if my wife is still gone. SHe's supposed to come back on Friday, I am holding out hopes that she will.

 

Thanks again.

[the2gman]

I don't know that any will read this..but I think this helps me writing this out.

 

Well, my wife came back, stayed 4 days, and said it wasn't enough. She left again, this time she says for 30 days. I don't know what to think. I outright asked her if there was somone else, she says emphatically no. She does know that my feelinsg will drastically change if there is someone else due to a past affair she had.

 

She says the short time away really didn't give her time to think about things. I feel more finality this time. I actually contacted a few divorce support groups. I really do not want to go through individual counseling through my employer, and quite frankly, can't afford ongoing private couseling at $125 per session.

 

I am heartbroken. Pissed off at her. Sad. Worried. Mad. Anxious. In a constant daze. It's hard to keep focused at work, but it's worse on the weekends.

 

TOnight I asked her if it was better that we not talk for a while, she paused, and said no, that she would let me know if she wanted less contact.

 

As we finished our conversation, I said "I love you". There was an uncomfortable pause, and she said " I know you do". Wow! That hurts! I am so used to hearing I love you too back.

 

Maybe I am , no, I am in complete denial. I need to get through this. It's just so painful.

[whichwayisup]

TO a friends house who is married with kids

 

This friend, is it a she or a he? And how do you know this friend of hers IS actually still married?

 

Hate to say it, but are you 100% sure there's noone else? Even though she's told you no?

 

I am sorry you're in pain, and I feel for you and your kids.

 

All you can do is deal with it one day at a time, continue with the counselling.

[the2gman]

I do know the friend she's staying with (its a female coworker). SHe has called me from her house. Have I gone over there at night to see if her car is parked there? No. I guess in my mind there needs to be some trust, although not sure she really deserves it! But I have to be honest, if I thought about every move and comment she made, it would drive me crazy! Thanks for the comments....

[the2gman]

Well, here we go into the weekend! Thats always the hardest part of the week for me. I am looking forward to going to church this weekend. I havent been in years. I gues just being around people is what I need. I also am looking forward to a support gruop I am going to this Tuesday. Who knows, I am hoping it will help and not be a spouse basher type of meeting, Thats not what i want.

 

She was supposed to call me last night, of course she didnt. I carried my cell with me everywhere just in case. So now i feel like not answering her call today. But, what if she has a legitimate reason for not calling, then I would be an ass for being mad. What a vicious cycle I allow myself to be in.

 

Here comes the weekend!

[the2gman]

Wow, havent talked to my wife (seems soon to be ex) in 2 days (LONG time for me). Well it did not go good. Shes say how did I not know she was unhappy for so many years? How could I not tell? Next month is 20 years of marriage (well not now) and she says she has been unhappy for the last 7 years. Wow, I must have been blind. I asked her outright if she wanted a divorce....dead silence. I asked if we could meet to discuss things....dead silence.

 

She said that the minute she walks in the door, she feels uphappy. That this place makes her unhappy. Wow, what a f***ing punch to the stomach. It repulses her so much to be here, where we called home.

 

You know, its funny....my chest is tight.....I feel my body pulsing all over.....I literally just got off the phone with her like 3 mins ago. But you know what.....I really feel more mad at her than sad.....maybe this is a good thing.

 

SOme of me wants to say ADIOS. Part of me wants to keep fighting for her. But I do feel I am tilting ot the ADIOS. WHIch is promising for me to get over these intense feelings I have had.

 

I will go to that new church tomorrow. Just to be somewhere nice with some nice people. I need a change in my life....I will be strong.....I can be strong.....one day at a time!

[whichwayisup]

But I do feel I am tilting ot the ADIOS. WHIch is promising for me to get over these intense feelings I have had.

 

I hate to say it, but your wife has closed herself off completely and detached. She's probably been doing that for a long time, which is why she isn't interested in fixing the marriage. Once one person in a marriage decides it's over, it pretty much is over. One person can't put in 100% and have the other person put in 0%.

 

Glad to hear that you're going to Church, find some support and strength. You have the right attitude, one day at a time! Hang in there and keep posting.

[the2gman]

After we talked on the phone tonight...and after I was done balling like a little girlie-man, I wrote her this "I never meant to hurt you. You've always meant the world to me. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm sorry for being blind to your unhappiness. I;m just so very sorry."

 

And she replied "I know. I am sorry that I am hurting u so bad. Goodnight".

 

So...where do I go from here? Do I just let her be gone. DO I do No contact. Wow. Life sucks ( no, not said in a suicidal way). It just sucks.

 

Hey, maybe I'll meet a nice church girl tomorrow! Ha! I think NOT! Maybe I'll go gay, I understand guys better! Just kidding!

[whichwayisup]

Wow, she just cut you off like that?

 

20 years of marriage she's just about to piss away without trying or going to marriage counselling.

 

I'm telling you, fact that she left you and the kids - THERE has to be someone else.

 

In the sense of NC, well, it's impossible because of your kids - But, what you can do is cut her off emotionally and do not discuss or talk about ANYTHING with her unless it has to do with the kids or the house. Other than that, no personal conversations. Don't call her, don't cry to her, nothing. Post your thoughts and feelings here, or write her letters, but don't send them.

 

This woman is about to throw away 20+ years of marriage, history, your lives together with your kids! Feel angry, feel hurt, feel sad - Just don't open up to her at all anymore. Let her see that you aren't going to chase her, or try to talk to her.

 

Do stuff with the kids, see your parents, sisters, brothers, friends - Keep busy!

 

Maybe I'll go gay, I understand guys better! Just kidding!

 

That's funny, keep your humour!

[the2gman]

Thanks for your comments WHICHWAYISUP. Funny thing (or sad), I have not told me close friends of family whats going on. Ive tried to hide it. But I really think this is final, it feels final. I asked her again tonight, is there someone else. She says no.

 

She has LOTS, did I say LOTS of emotional baggage from when she was younger. Came from a terrible family. Emotional abuse, sexual abuse. Her mom had 4 or 5 husbands. My wife was was bounced from aunts house to grandma to other grandma. I very unstable childhood. SHe has never had counseling. I just wonder how all of that impacts her today.

 

I am good to her. Never physical abuse, dont hang out in bars, family (boring too Im sure she owuld say) kinda guy. But very stable. Maybe she feels she needs to run before I do, I don;t know. I don;t know.

 

I want her back. I don;t want her back. I can be strong and try to minimize contact. But I am worried that will allow her to pull back more. BUt what do I have to lose now?

[whichwayisup]

NC is for you, reguardless of how she reacts to it. But, chances are she will feel you pulling away and she'll come looking for you. It just happens when the balance starts to shift.

 

OK, well, reading that she has quite alot of baggage, and she should be in some counselling to help her with that stuff. It's alot she's been through.

 

I do know the friend she's staying with (its a female coworker). SHe has called me from her house.

 

Did she call from her cell or from her female friends house phone? Just wondering.

[the2gman]

From her cell. And later text me that last message. I know what youre going to say....shes with a guy. WHo knows, maybe she is, maybe shes not. To be honest, I cant try to dwell on that too much. I mean if I knew for sure, then it would make me so angry and make me turn on her so quickly. SO waht do I do, go and sneak around and see if she is? I guess it would make me feeling quickly come to an abrupt change for her. I don tknow.

[Gunny376]

From her cell. And later text me that last message. I know what youre going to say....shes with a guy. WHo knows, maybe she is, maybe shes not. To be honest, I cant try to dwell on that too much. I mean if I knew for sure, then it would make me so angry and make me turn on her so quickly. SO waht do I do, go and sneak around and see if she is? I guess it would make me feeling quickly come to an abrupt change for her. I don tknow.

 

Truth of the matter is ~ she's not relationship material. Never has been, and never will be ~ despite your 20+ year history. The short end of the story is that she's got multiple issues that you and you alone cannot addresss within the context of your relationship/marriage.

 

That is to say she's going to have to fly sole until she can get her head and azz wire backed together ~ if she ever does? That means IC and with you MC.

 

She gave it her best shot ~ but now in mid-life her ghost are have come a haunting. She's got to find herself, and come to terms with who she is and what she is about before she can be with you or anyone else. Until then? She's toxic to you, your marriage, your relationship, your children.

 

You should do everything possible to shield yourself and your children from her "toxicity" until she gets the help she so desperately needs.

 

And its not her fault ~ its just the hand she's been dealt in Life. She needs to come to terms with that. She needs to reconcile her past with her present and her current reality ~ and right now? Its just too much for the kid to deal with.

 

And quit beating yourself up! Damnit! What is wrong with you? Nothing from your post? Your projecting the failure of your marriage upon yourself ~ when its your wife and her past that has the issues, that she and she alone has to deal with.

 

Were you the best husband and father that you knew how to be at the time? Could you have done better? Of course you could've! But guess what Slick, if you knew and had the experince of a 100 year old man ~ you could have done a lot better.

[the2gman]

Wow, thanks Gunny376. I think you hit the perverbial nail on the head! You know, our whole marriage, I have always felt I needed to take care of her. I don;t want to say I feel sorry for her, but Ive ALWAYS cared for her deeply and felt so sorry for her upbringing.

 

Mine wasn;t that much better, my dad was an alcoholic who beat us and my mom many times, They did divorce and we kids were quite happy. I have NEVER touched my wife or kids in any physical damaging way. What I experienced as a kid I never wanted for my family.

 

I guess her wounds are deep. I just want to help her. I know its wrong, but I do. She adamantly does not want to go to counseling. How was I help her? Even if it means we as a family don;t work out, I want her to get better. Is that too altruisitic or am I being a moron?

 

Thanks Gunny for your honest direct comments.