chrissy660 Posted August 3, 2003 Posted August 3, 2003 My fiance of two years and I have not spoke for seven weeks now. On June 14th of this year he got angry with me, which is nothing new and I was at a friends house where he had called me and he started screaming at me, called me names and hung up. He sounded like he had been drinking, which also is nothing unusual. I was hurt and just went home and I thought he would call me in a day or so and explain his actions and apologize. He has a garden and grows tomatoes and he took some of his tomatoes to my brother the past two weeks. He told my brother that I dont want to see him anymore and if I did I would call which my brother reminded him that he has my number too and he said yes he knew that. So does he even think of me or miss me? Why act one way in front of my brother when it was not the way things happened. I might add that he has blown up like this a couple of other times and I always called and accepted the blame for whatever but this time I dont feel that I should. I want him to be aware that I am tired of his fits and he may need to talk to someone. Yes, I do love him very much and I miss him and think of him constantly and I guess I really hope he is feeling the same way. What should I do? My things are still at his house and it is like everything is on hold. I want him back but if I call it will only let him know he can keep treating me the way he has. So now what...........?
Ryan Posted August 3, 2003 Posted August 3, 2003 On June 14th of this year he got angry with me, which is nothing new and I was at a friends house where he had called me and he started screaming at me, called me names and hung up. He sounded like he had been drinking, which also is nothing unusual. Doesn't sound like much of a loss.
Strangefruit Posted August 3, 2003 Posted August 3, 2003 I used to have a boyfriend like this. Even when I was pregnant with his child (which I then miscarried) he'd call me up in the middle of the night just to shout at me. We split up once and then stupidly I got us back together. Then we split up definitively. I met a lovely man after, who treated me well while we were together although we've recently broken up. However hurt I feel right now, nothing compares to how I felt when the person who was supposed to love me hurt me on an almost daily basis and I did nothing about it. My view... he can't cope with the shame he's feeling at the way he's treated you. This shame just breeds within him and will cause his behaviour to become worse and worse - if you let it. If you call him up, you're inviting him warts & all back into your life. He might want to change but I don't think he can without alot of help and probably some time on his own to consider his behaviour. However much you love him, love yourself more and move on. t's hard but it's worth it.
my_mother's_daughter Posted August 3, 2003 Posted August 3, 2003 Originally posted by chrissy660 I might add that he has blown up like this a couple of other times and I always called and accepted the blame for whatever but this time I dont feel that I should. Then don't. You're right, don't ever apologise for someone else's bad behaviour. This is his problem not yours, and as Ryan said; it doesn't sound like such a loss. I don't think you miss the person, you just don't want to be alone. But think about it, being alone is way better than being in a ****ty relationship which makes you miserable.
superd Posted August 3, 2003 Posted August 3, 2003 I am with ryan on this one, he sounds like a headache, maybe you should find someone new or try to figure out what it is about you that gets you yelled at so much so that it doesn't happen with the next guy you find.
my_mother's_daughter Posted August 3, 2003 Posted August 3, 2003 It is of course entirely possible that you did absolutely nothing to warrant or invite being yelled at. The idea that a woman invites bad treatment is one I'm surprised to see propagated here. Find someone without a personality disorder would be my advice.
superd Posted August 3, 2003 Posted August 3, 2003 its is possible that she does nothing to merit geting yelled at but it is also possible that she does. The existential position that all woman are saints smells a little funny and i bet you have lived alot of days in pain believing that. I know that I don't get yelled at by anyone and I attribute it to the fact that I don't let anyone treat me that way. I don't think it matters so much whether you are male or female. I was watching Jerry Springer once and I know he has the reputation for being somewhat of a slimeball but he said something that really struck me. He said people will treat you how you want to be treated. Now of course this doesn't work out perfectly, but if you work at it, people will pretty much give you respect and deal with you on your terms. But go on with that poor me stuff, I am not going to sweat it or argue with you.
my_mother's_daughter Posted August 3, 2003 Posted August 3, 2003 I never set out to espouse anything existentialist, gender based or otherwise, its just that in my opinion you started off well and I was shocked to notice you rush in with your, to me, very off the cuff remark about how she should "try to figure out what it is about you that gets you yelled at so much ". That's all. Nothing more. I certainly don't hold the view that women are saintly and of course this may be why I have fortunately not experienced too much pain in my emotional life Also, Jerry Springer is bang on with his cliche, however were that always the case, the proportion of unhappy people seems a little high in my opinion. Sometimes people get treated badly because some people like to treat people badly for their own reasons. If she sees that for what it is and leaves, then you and I will both be happy that she takes Jerry's advice, which is exactly what I advise her to do. Stop looking for a political slant where I honestly wasn't wielding one.
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