replicator Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 I've been wrestling with this whole forgiveness bit. I wanted to forgive her, but I knew it was too soon. Every single day, I've been wrestling with my emotions, trying to figure out my own feelings towards her and if I could and should forgive. I realize that the resentment I had held within me, really has no purpose. It hurts me more than it hurts her, as it eats me up from the moment I wake up. Even the thought of trying to hurt her, to get revenge, made me feel even worse. I'm not that kind of person, and I know that she isn't an evil person. I loved her for long enough to know that she is not perfect. She is vulnerable and capable of making mistakes, just like everyone else. I do want her to be happy, with or without me. The anger, jealousy, hurt, that I've been struggling with is more about me, than it is about her. I forgave her and wrote her a short note to let her know. I cried after I sent it, but I feel much better. I hope she's happy, and now I can let go of the past and focus on now. Sure, I am still sad and hurt, and I don't condone her actions, but it's time to flip the page. I know it is the right thing to have done. It was just a matter of when. As they say, 'to err is human, to forgive is divine'.
foxh1234 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Good for you Rep. I hope you feel better after sending it. Start to move forward now with no looking back.
Kristine Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 Good for you. You'll be more at peace in life now. You'll definitely reap the rewards of forgiveness.
borelandkaren Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 I've been wrestling with this whole forgiveness bit. I wanted to forgive her, but I knew it was too soon. Every single day, I've been wrestling with my emotions, trying to figure out my own feelings towards her and if I could and should forgive. I realize that the resentment I had held within me, really has no purpose. It hurts me more than it hurts her, as it eats me up from the moment I wake up. Even the thought of trying to hurt her, to get revenge, made me feel even worse. I'm not that kind of person, and I know that she isn't an evil person. I loved her for long enough to know that she is not perfect. She is vulnerable and capable of making mistakes, just like everyone else. I do want her to be happy, with or without me. The anger, jealousy, hurt, that I've been struggling with is more about me, than it is about her. I forgave her and wrote her a short note to let her know. I cried after I sent it, but I feel much better. I hope she's happy, and now I can let go of the past and focus on now. Sure, I am still sad and hurt, and I don't condone her actions, but it's time to flip the page. I know it is the right thing to have done. It was just a matter of when. As they say, 'to err is human, to forgive is divine'. Is it forgiveness or awareness? I'm not so sure about the forgiving part, particularly where my own relationship was concerned because Tony was such a deviate but I just feel so much more aware now and know that no matter what I did in this relationship, it was going to end where it did. We only have control over who we are and how we behave and he told me who he was and I had no choice but to believe what he told me because I had no evidence to the contrary. His actions were the truth and now we are not together. I don't forgive him for hurting me. He pulled the heart out of someone who was vulnerable. This to me is a cunt act. But this is his way and I don't have to abide by it anymore. I'm not the only person he has done this to and won't be the last. The problem for me is that when we forgive someone, they think it's OK to carry on behaving as they do and this is not right. We need to leave their sorry asses and let them know that what they did is wrong, just by leaving. No grand gestures, no letters, no texts, no contact. I am very AWARE now and will take no prisoners. I will also never allow myself to be taken in by someone. If they want to have a part of my life, it won't just be on my terms, it will be a shared experience still but I know that when and if I say no, it will be for reasons pertaining to that and if the reaction I get is not what is good for me, then I'll have to look at the investment that I've made in this person. If it doesn' t turn out to be sound, I'll be cashing it in. I know this sounds hard and u know what, I'm glad. It tells me I'm on the direction that I need to be on. I'm too old now at 42 to have anything that I work hard for taken away from me and after a lifetime of giving everything to everyone else (bar my son) IT'S ALL ABOUT KAREN!!!!!! And I'm starting to love it.
Narf Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I've been wrestling with this whole forgiveness bit. I wanted to forgive her, but I knew it was too soon. Every single day, I've been wrestling with my emotions, trying to figure out my own feelings towards her and if I could and should forgive. I realize that the resentment I had held within me, really has no purpose. It hurts me more than it hurts her, as it eats me up from the moment I wake up. Even the thought of trying to hurt her, to get revenge, made me feel even worse. I'm not that kind of person, and I know that she isn't an evil person. I loved her for long enough to know that she is not perfect. She is vulnerable and capable of making mistakes, just like everyone else. I do want her to be happy, with or without me. The anger, jealousy, hurt, that I've been struggling with is more about me, than it is about her. I forgave her and wrote her a short note to let her know. I cried after I sent it, but I feel much better. I hope she's happy, and now I can let go of the past and focus on now. Sure, I am still sad and hurt, and I don't condone her actions, but it's time to flip the page. I know it is the right thing to have done. It was just a matter of when. As they say, 'to err is human, to forgive is divine'. Wow that is exactly what im feeling... Im confused and lost and so angry and frustrated at him that i am not being myself... and that is making everything worse! I think you are right... maybe if i be myself and not try to resent him so much and stop trying to play the game by others rules i wouldnt be ripping myself apart... Thanks! Im going to let it all go.. forgive him but not forget it.... Great post
critter909 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Has anyone found that their friends encourage them not to forgive? I don't hold anger toward my ex but everyone else seems to and wants me to do things that will cause difficulties in his life. As an example, his car is still parked at my house. He doesn't have anywhere to take it right now and me forcing him to take it would cost him money and I'd be being a bitch. I don't care about the stupid car but if I had a dollar for every time one of my friends told me that I need to tell him to get that piece of sh*t out of there I'd be a millionaire! I think being angry or vendictive is counter productive. I don't need to feel any guilt, I need to heal and move on. Seems like my friends need to move on too...
Trialbyfire Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Has anyone found that their friends encourage them not to forgive? I don't hold anger toward my ex but everyone else seems to and wants me to do things that will cause difficulties in his life. As an example, his car is still parked at my house. He doesn't have anywhere to take it right now and me forcing him to take it would cost him money and I'd be being a bitch. I don't care about the stupid car but if I had a dollar for every time one of my friends told me that I need to tell him to get that piece of sh*t out of there I'd be a millionaire! I think being angry or vendictive is counter productive. I don't need to feel any guilt, I need to heal and move on. Seems like my friends need to move on too... When you see his car everyday, does he come to mind?
kizik Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 When you see his car everyday, does he come to mind? That's a good point, that car needs to go, not b/c of "vengeance" but b/c it's a reminder that you could do without.
Trialbyfire Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 That's a good point, that car needs to go, not b/c of "vengeance" but b/c it's a reminder that you could do without. Yes, it helps to have a clean cut. Out-of-sight, out-of-mind. Post breakup, it's too easy for all of us to obsess.
critter909 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 The sight of the car really doesn't bother me. It has always been there. My friends are saying it definetly as an FU to him, that's why I disagree with them. He is in such a bad place right now financially and emotionally that it seems cruel to heap something else onto the pile. I think I'd feel guilty if I insisted on it.
bish Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I've been wrestling with this whole forgiveness bit. I wanted to forgive her, but I knew it was too soon. Every single day, I've been wrestling with my emotions, trying to figure out my own feelings towards her and if I could and should forgive. I realize that the resentment I had held within me, really has no purpose. It hurts me more than it hurts her, as it eats me up from the moment I wake up. Even the thought of trying to hurt her, to get revenge, made me feel even worse. I'm not that kind of person, and I know that she isn't an evil person. I loved her for long enough to know that she is not perfect. She is vulnerable and capable of making mistakes, just like everyone else. I do want her to be happy, with or without me. Hopefully you decided that it should be without you. The anger, jealousy, hurt, that I've been struggling with is more about me, than it is about her. I forgave her and wrote her a short note to let her know. I cried after I sent it, but I feel much better. I hope she's happy, and now I can let go of the past and focus on now. Sure, I am still sad and hurt, and I don't condone her actions, but it's time to flip the page. I know it is the right thing to have done. It was just a matter of when. As they say, 'to err is human, to forgive is divine'.
v33 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I am at the point where I am almost ready for forgive my ex for her betrayal, lies, etc, etc. But I won't be letter her know. I am forgiving her for ME. It feels good to no longer care.
Author replicator Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Good for you V33. I think you'll feel better, but best not rush it. I doubted myself yesterday, thinking I should not have told her. She replied, and she told me she wanted to call me because she wanted to hear my voice. She told me she didn't deserve forgiveness, and that she is a coward. She told me she is holding back tears as she read my note. It actually made me hurt to read it, but once I got a grip of myself, I felt at peace. I felt better to know that she cared, and it wasn't easy for her. I won't forget the pain she caused me, but I'll always remember the good things we shared.
Trialbyfire Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 The sight of the car really doesn't bother me. It has always been there. My friends are saying it definetly as an FU to him, that's why I disagree with them. He is in such a bad place right now financially and emotionally that it seems cruel to heap something else onto the pile. I think I'd feel guilty if I insisted on it. Are you looking to maintain some kind of connection with him?
kizik Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 She replied, and she told me she wanted to call me because she wanted to hear my voice. She told me she didn't deserve forgiveness, and that she is a coward. Wow. I mean, absolutely wow. Everyone whose ex has expressed remorse: feel grateful. Some of us are never going to get that. I'd be lying if I said I didn't envy you. Posts like this make me happy for people, while they simultaneously make me wanna stay off the site. I can't handle hearing this stuff anymore. Josh
justaman99 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 She replied, and she told me she wanted to call me because she wanted to hear my voice. She told me she didn't deserve forgiveness, and that she is a coward. I read part of your history and your opinion of her was that she was perfect, your relationship was pretty good, she was successful and never cheated. Why would she say this? I think it says a lot about her. Not many people will admit this within themselves. -Just
Nevermind Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Everyone whose ex has expressed remorse: feel grateful. Some of us are never going to get that. I'd be lying if I said I didn't envy you. Mine did show remorse, at first, right after D-Day. But it was fake, as he happily threw in my face a couple of days later and as his actions confirmed. I hope this ex is different. Replicator: it's great that you can separate good and bad memories. It's important to get over it. I am happy you could forgive her and happy that she replied in a decent way. Keep it up!
Author replicator Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 I read part of your history and your opinion of her was that she was perfect, your relationship was pretty good, she was successful and never cheated. Why would she say this? I think it says a lot about her. Not many people will admit this within themselves. -Just She seemed perfect. I did love her. I don't know if she cheated. She met this guy before she left me, then immediately she is dating him. Best case scenario, she replaced me. Worst case, she started to see him before. Regardless, it was deliberate. I guess every person has the right to be with who they want to be with, but when you're with someone for so long - you expect loyalty. You expect to be given a chance. You expect to be told the truth. It hurts, but I'm getting over it - slowly but surely. My heart aches every now and then, but I know I can only keep moving forward. I have no more time to sit around crying and feeling sorry for myself.
confused and broken Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Hey that's awesome I had a feeling you were close to forgiveness... And you found out first hand that the dumpers hurt too... Although she was just plain wrong... she had no reason to hurt you.. Keep up the good work... I'm encouraged!
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