Emotional vs Physical

July 19, 2008

i have a certain perception of cheating which doesnt match this:

If you read other threads, you will see that Emotional Affair can be more damaging than Physical Affair.

so im interested to hear how this has been shown on the threads in this forum

my perception is that if i were cheated on by my husband to be (shudder) - id think id be more inclined to forgive an emotional affair than a physical one. The reason being is that if someone just fancied someone and couldnt help themselves, for me that would indicate a different type of issue, if he just couldnt keep it under control, then that would mean i had no control over the state of our marriage, his potential to cheat and there would be nothing i could do but trust that he wouldnt do it again should i forgive him

if it were more emotionally based, id assume that i would have had some part in the marriage demise and he was seeking to fill a need that i wasnt fulfilling therefore i could have contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. if i broke my vows it could be seen as being as responsible as him breaking his vows. or at least i would be able to take some responsibility. Not responsibility for him cheating as nothing excuses that and he would have chosen to react to our issues in this way, but for him not feeling happy with me. id therefore be able to contribute to keeping things on track - although its clear that he would need to assess why hed chose the option of seeking his needs elsewhere than looking inwards within the relationship to mend it.

July 19, 2008

I think both are/can be damaging. I think a EA there is more involvement with the heart and mind first, that later might lead to a physical. Its one thing to have someones body but another to have their heart I suppose.

July 19, 2008

if it were more emotionally based, id assume that i would have had some part in the marriage demise and he was seeking to fill a need that i wasnt fulfilling therefore i could have contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. .

This is often dead wrong. My story is too long to go into, but I had an experience with this (my husband had what I consider an EA) and I can tell you that the biggest contributers to this were his weak relationship bounderies, and the fact that when he had a baby, he felt it was fine to go out with his "friend" since I had to stay home and watch the baby. I had no concept of the emotional aspects involved in this. If you had told me about EA's before this, I wouldn't have believed you. Going through this experience really opened up my eyes.

When I look at it, the one small part I played is that I let him walk all over me. Fortunetely I listened to my gut and grew a backbone, and so stopped this before it completely tore my relationship appart.

For the record, I did sleep with two married men in my youth (I was 15 with one, and 20-21 with the other). There was little emotion involved, on my side anyways, and in that mannor I don't think it did the dammage to their marriage that an EA does. Still, a PA would be a deal breaker for me, and now that I understand an EA, this would be a deal breaker for me to.

July 19, 2008

i agree, id have a hard time getting over either, its just i always thought that id be more inclined to try to get past an EA and id probably do an immediate lock change in response to discovering a purely PA

but lyssas post on another thread made me wonder if i had it wrong

for eg you say:

Its one thing to have someones body but another to have their heart I suppose.

to me, its more like having someones mind is a result of their failing feelings for me, whereas having someone's body because he just fancied them (ie the type of man who cant say no, or who thinks its his right as thats what men do (when thats not what men do))

PA as a result of an EA i would feel that i would be more inclined to try to get past, than just a pure PA - as again, id see it as part of our relationship issues rather than his need to have sex at will.

July 19, 2008

Emotional and physical affairs are rarely clear-cut. Most often there's an element of both in either.

While an emotional affair might be a no-touch situation, there's many times a strong element of physical cyber chemistry.

A physical affair is rarely just a "let's shag" scenario either. More often than not, a physical affair begins with an emotional affair or at minimum, external validation of desireability.

July 19, 2008

sorry to hear about that angie

There was little emotion involved, on my side anyways, and in that mannor I don't think it did the dammage to their marriage that an EA does.

say in this case (not in your case - just hypothetically) if the man was cheating as result of his need for esteem - not need to have sex, but because he felt emasculated, or his OH didnt give him support, or he felt distance and needed to feel closeness... then that to me, even though the affair was just physical, it had emotional reasons behind it

all cases suggest that the person has boundary issues i agree, that they cant deal with problems in a way thats productive, and that they seek the answers to their personal issues bought up by relationship issues by looking outside the relationship, none of which are an appealing thought

July 19, 2008

Emotional and physical affairs are rarely clear-cut. Most often there's an element of both in either.

While an emotional affair might be a no-touch situation, there's many times a strong element of physical cyber chemistry.

A physical affair is rarely just a "let's shag" scenario either. More often than not, a physical affair begins with an emotional affair or at minimum, external validation of desireability.

i think for me, if i knew that i had not been giving the marriage everything i should, or that id pushed him away emotionally for eg, id be more open to the idea of trying to deal with it

if it blindsided me and was totally unexpected as things were good between us, or i was behaving in a way that i was happy with towards him as the affair was developing or was happening, then i wouldnt try to make things work. Then id be more likely to say thats it i quit.

July 19, 2008

i think for me, if i knew that i had not been giving the marriage everything i should, or that id pushed him away emotionally for eg, id be more open to the idea of trying to deal with it

if it blindsided me and was totally unexpected as things were good between us, or i was behaving in a way that i was happy with towards him as the affair was developing or was happening, then i wouldnt try to make things work. Then id be more likely to say thats it i quit.

You're assuming that everyone has reasonable needs. This isn't always the case.

July 19, 2008

You're assuming that everyone has reasonable needs. This isn't always the case.

no, but i do know that my husband to be has reasonable needs though, so i have chosen well

edt i was just talking about me and my relationship, just trying to establish what my boundaries are acceptabilities are ya see

July 20, 2008

An EA may seem more harmless - but it is not! When people have a PA most of the time it is a short term thing. It may lead to other PA's but for the most part they are short lived and usually the result of weak moments or bad judgement. These people usually dont care for each other except that they sex from them. An EA on the other hand is a bonding experience between two people which entangle their thoughts and emotions together as one. People in EA's soon see themselves as a "couple" outside of their marriages. EA's can go on for several years all the while boiling hotter and hotter. When people become so emotionally attached it soon becomes a bomb ready to explode at any time. You have cheated on your spouse in two ways.

July 20, 2008

I would be hurt with either type of affair. My husband and I are so close that I think an EA would hurt me more. If for some awful reason he had a PA for just sex, maybe I could forgive him?? I'm not sure. But I think an EA would destroy my heart.

July 20, 2008

Interesting thread. I have been on all sides of both kinds of affairs. Ouch that isn't good. But it is something I am trying to learn from.

For me, when my X marriage was good and strong emotionally my XH had a PA. It wasn't that hard to deal with for me except the lying part, he didn't tell me, I found out through someone else. So while after a lot of deep discussion, the fact that he was physical with someone else didn't bother me as much as the fact that he didn't trust me enough to be honest with me about his slip up. We moved on from it and where stronger in our relationship for a while. Then came the EA, I was going through a severe depressive episode when he met his OW. They bonded, she was everything I wasn't at the time. This time it wasn't just the lying, it was also the feeling that somehow I wasn't enough that he needed someone else. It was the beginning of the end of our marriage.

We worked through it, but things were never the same after that. I started to loose more and more interest in working on our marriage.

A couple years later I had a PA. I was in a diff city for 2 weeks doing some training, stuck with a bunch of strangers and this person and I spent a lot of time together, we were both married and both committed to our marriages, just looking for comfort and for me it was validation that after 12 years I was still attractive and fun to someone, since I no longer was to XH.

As for my EA, well I've posted a thread on it and it went from an EA, to me being the single OW. So like I"ve said I've been on all sides and my experience is the purely PA is not as damaging to a good relationship as an EA, an EA in my opinion means that there is something that needs to be worked on in the existing relationship.

~99

July 20, 2008

no, but i do know that my husband to be has reasonable needs though, so i have chosen well

edt i was just talking about me and my relationship, just trying to establish what my boundaries are acceptabilities are ya see

You seem to be focused on the needs aspect of an affair, rather it is an EA or PA. The problem I have with this thinking is that in any long term relationship, there are going to be bumps in the road, and sometimes one person's needs must be put on hold to take care of those bumps. Children come along, parents or siblings die, sometimes a partner looses a job, and then one person is unable for awhile to fulfill the other person's needs. This often happens when the kids start comming. The mother suddenly has a brand new life that is completely dependant on her. She can't take care of her husband in the way that she used to. Some men step up to the plate and share in the new responsibility. Some men get upset that their not getting as much attention and start looking else where. Actually, now that I think about it, I have seen this in the reverse. The father is attentive to the baby and the mother wants to go out and party all the time. Sometimes something happens to one partner's parent. The partner needs to use some of their time and energy to help the ailing parent. Their partner is either supportive or upset that suddenly their needs aren't bieng catered as much as they used to be.

July 21, 2008

I think there is also a difference where gender is involved. I think most men are OK with their wives having a PA because to a man sex can be devoid of emotion so if his wife had an affair devoid of emotion then that would be more acceptable than having her feelings all wrapped up in the guy. I once had a male friend admit to me that his wife was having an affair but he could get over it because it was 'just sex'.

A woman has more trouble with the PA because to us sex is intertwined with love and we cannot fathom (most of us) that a man would risk his R if he weren't doing it for love.

JMHO

July 21, 2008

I think there is also a difference where gender is involved. I think most men are OK with their wives having a PA because to a man sex can be devoid of emotion so if his wife had an affair devoid of emotion then that would be more acceptable than having her feelings all wrapped up in the guy. I once had a male friend admit to me that his wife was having an affair but he could get over it because it was 'just sex'.

A woman has more trouble with the PA because to us sex is intertwined with love and we cannot fathom (most of us) that a man would risk his R if he weren't doing it for love.

JMHO

Whoa WF, I think this is the first time I totally disagree with you. In my experience, most men don't even recognize EA's as cheating (mainly, I think, because men generally don't put too much stock into emotions). But having sex with someone else - that's the line that, once crossed, you can never go back. It's the one thing they can't forgive.

July 21, 2008

I think there is also a difference where gender is involved. I think most men are OK with their wives having a PA because to a man sex can be devoid of emotion so if his wife had an affair devoid of emotion then that would be more acceptable than having her feelings all wrapped up in the guy. I once had a male friend admit to me that his wife was having an affair but he could get over it because it was 'just sex'.

A woman has more trouble with the PA because to us sex is intertwined with love and we cannot fathom (most of us) that a man would risk his R if he weren't doing it for love.

JMHO

Whoa WF, I think this is the first time I totally disagree with you. In my experience, most men don't even recognize EA's as cheating (mainly, I think, because men generally don't put too much stock into emotions). But having sex with someone else - that's the line that, once crossed, you can never go back. It's the one thing they can't forgive.

And I'm going to disagree with both

I've met few guys (none over the age of about 30) that can separate sex from emotions. Many of them kid themselves that they can, but in reality, the "casual sex" they agreed to soon grows feelings and they fall really hard and heavily, in love. This I've learned to my detriment.

OTOH I know a great many women who can do this - and do it - with ease. (I think it's related to multitasking.) Not just in the sense of rushing out and having no-strings sex with some random guy, but in the sense of giving him that BJ to get that pair of shoes they really liked, or letting him get lucky so that he's OK with them spending the weekend out of town with their loud college girlfriends when he knows it always leads to mayhem, or convincing him to see the mushy romantic drama rather than the action movie by some steamy action in the parking lot before the movie. Many women can use sex as currency very easily, whereas to many guys, it's an end rather than a means.

July 21, 2008

Whoa WF, I think this is the first time I totally disagree with you. In my experience, most men don't even recognize EA's as cheating (mainly, I think, because men generally don't put too much stock into emotions). But having sex with someone else - that's the line that, once crossed, you can never go back. It's the one thing they can't forgive.

I completely agree with this. From my experience, most men would loose it if their partners had a PA, while most men I know do not understand the concept of an EA. I think this is because girls and women, for whatever reason, have a much better understanding of how relationships form and what the dynamics of a relationship are. Having said this, I have observered that when a wife/girlfriend had an EA, it does start eroding the primary relationship even if the husband /boyfriend doesn't get it.

Just wanted to add that I do think emotions are very important to men. I just think they don't have as deep an understanding of them as women, and also, I think they are more unconfortable with them. Anger often bieng the exception.

July 21, 2008

And I'm going to disagree with both

I've met few guys (none over the age of about 30) that can separate sex from emotions. Many of them kid themselves that they can, but in reality, the "casual sex" they agreed to soon grows feelings and they fall really hard and heavily, in love. This I've learned to my detriment.

OTOH I know a great many women who can do this - and do it - with ease. (I think it's related to multitasking.) Not just in the sense of rushing out and having no-strings sex with some random guy, but in the sense of giving him that BJ to get that pair of shoes they really liked, or letting him get lucky so that he's OK with them spending the weekend out of town with their loud college girlfriends when he knows it always leads to mayhem, or convincing him to see the mushy romantic drama rather than the action movie by some steamy action in the parking lot before the movie. Many women can use sex as currency very easily, whereas to many guys, it's an end rather than a means.

This sounds like a man talking to me. I mean no insult at all. I just think you often see things more from a stereotypical man's point of view and maybe your female friends do also. Maybe it's easiar this way. Maybe things become less emotional and less complicated for the women who think this way. I often wonder about this.

July 21, 2008

I don't think the "EA worse than PA" or vice-versa is a gender based decision...its more based off of the emotional background of the betrayed spouse than anything else.

Some men DO "get" the EA concept...I for one clearly DID during my wife's EA, and afterwards.

It really depends on the BS's level of understanding...and their previous life experience...that determines which one they view as "worse".

Personally...they're both horrible to experience as a BS...and equally devestating to a marriage.

Am I personally more likely to forgive one over the other? Maybe...I told my wife that if she went to be with her OM...I knew that she'd "consumate" that relationship, and that if she did so, knowing how I felt about the whole thing...there'd be NO reconciliation or forgiveness on my part whatsoever. I told her that there's no way I could ever look at her the same way again after knowing she'd "been with" him.

I think that its emotionally devestating to come to the realization that your spouse is "in love with" someone else.

Its also very, very difficult for a BS to get past the "mental pictures" that they get when they know that their spouse has been in a PA.

I don't know that one is "worse" than the other for any specific group of people or not...its all bad.

July 21, 2008

This sounds like a man talking to me.

(Checks inside underwear) Nope, still as it was. MM will be relieved

I mean no insult at all.

I'm sure the men reading will be relieved to hear that!!

I just think you often see things more from a stereotypical man's point of view and maybe your female friends do also. Maybe it's easiar this way. Maybe things become less emotional and less complicated for the women who think this way. I often wonder about this.

I wasn't suggesting that either I or my friends use sex as currency - on the contrary, to me, sex is its own reward! But I know plenty of "girly" girls who will happily "use" sex in that way to get what they want - which strikes me as a very instrumental view of sex, and certainly far from the stereotype of sex interwoven with emotion that is typically associated with women. (Read Cosmo, that's also full of that kind of story!)

July 21, 2008

Whoa WF, I think this is the first time I totally disagree with you. In my experience, most men don't even recognize EA's as cheating (mainly, I think, because men generally don't put too much stock into emotions). But having sex with someone else - that's the line that, once crossed, you can never go back. It's the one thing they can't forgive.

Men don't recognize EA's as cheating only if they are the one having the EA. They get them very clearly if it's their wife who is having it!

But I totally agree with the sex with someone else. Though some men can forgive, it takes years and years - and from what I've seen there's also some pretty hefty payback involved.

Interestingly enough - they do expect to be forgiven for either, though.....

July 21, 2008

[quote=OWoman;1757471

I wasn't suggesting that either I or my friends use sex as currency - !)

I didn't think you were suggesting that. What I meant when I said you seem to think like a stereotypical man, was that you seem to be able to take the emotion out of sex. I don't mean always, but at least sometimes. People tend to think of women as attatching emotion to the act, while they tend to think of men as bieng able to see it as just a physical act. At least that's been my experience. Obviously, this isn't always the case.

July 21, 2008

Men don't recognize EA's as cheating only if they are the one having the EA. They get them very clearly if it's their wife who is having it!

SO TRUE! Man or woman...

July 21, 2008

Men don't recognize EA's as cheating only if they are the one having the EA. They get them very clearly if it's their wife who is having it!....

I think this goes for both man and woman, and I'm not just talking about affairs. People often don't "get" something untill it happens to them. They they have that light bulb moment where everything becomes clear.

I do know a woman who had an EA, and her husband didn't get it. At least she doesn't think he did. She understood, though. She understood that she was getting closer to the other man and even considered leaving her husband for him (I don't know if her husband knew this part). She at one point asked her husband if it was alright for her to continue her friendship with this man, and he said yes. He didn't see a problem since there was no sex involved.

For the record, there were no major problems in the marriage at the time, just a lul (sp?) in the marriage and the fact that she married young and didn't "sew her oats" so to speak.

July 21, 2008

I think this goes for both man and woman, and I'm not just talking about affairs. People often don't "get" something untill it happens to them. They they have that light bulb moment where everything becomes clear.

Sometimes it's that and sometimes people tell you what they want to tell you so you can shut up. I had to learn that.

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