synthetic Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 sorry this is long, but i need strangers to help me out this time. my family and friends advice is good and all, but i think they're trying to help cheer me up. i worry a lot lol. i've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for 3 1/2 years, and last month we finally saw each other in person for the first time. she lives in england, i live in the USA. i'm 22, she's 19. the meeting was amazing, except on the 3rd nite when we were together she said that we should just be friends because she just didn't feel like that for me. i was shocked because everything was going smoothly those 3 1/2 years, save for the one bad month of stress i had knowing we were going to meet for the first time. i said a lot of negative things about myself, and it hurt her a lot. at the same time there was this guy that lives closer to her, but she can't see him everyday, only on weekends, and she would go see him. i figured he was just a friend, but that changed now. anyway... here's the story. back in February she came home and told me, on MSN, that she was confused because of this guy. i messed up by saying i would let her go because i felt bad chaining her down like that, but i came back after an hour long walk and told her i was sorry for being an idiot and said i didn't want that guy to take her away from me. after that, she didn't say much about the guy and she told me a few times that they would cuddle up to each other and i got angry about it and told her about that, and she didn't see him for a month. another thing i didnt know about it was that he was fighting for her without me knowing, and whenever i said my stupid negative things about myself, she apparently went to him for comfort. that made her see that he cared for her, but the thing is, she still fought those feelings off because she didn't see him for that month because of me. some of the things she told me about this guy bothers me. before their first meeting, he asked her if they would have sex... she told him about him losing his gf of 3 yrs and that that same gf didn't want to give him sex after begging for it, and there was another possible gf he could have had but she left him quick. he also told her about a few suicide attempts, and he would tell her that i should leave her so i can find someone close to me... but i told her myself that i didn't want to because i had her. all this started to pile on and she started to get all these little ideas in her head that i didn't want her and this guy was there at the same time. also, i didn't ask for her webcam much because sometimes she'd get depressed and turned it off, but i would tell her how beautiful she was, etc., yet that added to her ideas that i didn't want her. i sent her two love letters to reassure her that i loved and wanted her. both letters were 2 pages long, and it took me 5 hrs to write. when we met up, we had a great time, except that 3rd nite i mentioned above. i also asked her twice about us, and each time she said that we have to try again later and that we should hook back up later when we can be close to one another. when she got back home, she told me that she felt she needed to be with that guy and that she needed to be with someone else, and that that guy gave her what she misses out with me. she also let me know that all those things i said made her think i changed, and i wish i knew she was that bothered about it because she told me so late (5 months late). she also started to say this guy cared and that he fought hard for her for 5 months, yet i was there for her all those 3 1/2 years, except that one bad month i had. she also said that when she was with me that she didn't mean to say all those bad things because she thought a lot about us and where everything was going to lead (possible marriage), and i just don't know. this guy really scares me because from what i pick up from the things she told me, he put up a nice front and is trying to get sex off her and using an excellent pity tactic. she told me she fears that he will kill himself if she says no to him and that she doesn't want to be a ***** like his previous gfs... but my dad is right--she doesn't owe him anything. she told me that he calls her at 3 am sometimes cuz of his depressive/whiny moods. she's such a good girl, and i don't want to lose her because our families liked each other and thought we were a very cute couple... like it was almost meant to be. she said i am wrong about this guy, but 8 of my friends and both my parents think he's not right for her. i've gotten a lot of advice, and many of my friends believe she'll get over the guy between 1 and 4 months from now. what she did to me is wrong, but i also did my bad things... just not as bad as what she just did. i just wish she would communicate with me because all this started out with miscommunication on both our parts, and i want to save this relationship. a lot of my friends also say that i should give her her space and not be around much so she can miss me. we were 10 months away from living together, too... and i fear i'm not going to get my visit she promised me in Oct.. also, she's afraid she's going to lose me forever and is having trouble picking between him and me. it's like she loves me and wants me in the long-run, but she's infatuated with this guy. another thing to note: she has two of my shirts, which she wears and she sleeps with the stuffed unicorn i sent her on christmas, she couldn't stop holding my hand when we were together, and she keeps me around. what i'm afraid of is that she's trying to friend zone me, and i don't want to be considered just a "friend", i want to be that special guy for her. just it's so hard to do anything from where i'm at.
Author synthetic Posted July 20, 2008 Author Posted July 20, 2008 nevermind, i'll figure this out on my own and try to stay strong.
TMichaels Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 nevermind, i'll figure this out on my own and try to stay strong. synthetic, Sometimes it takes a while for people to see and respond to a post. Doesn't mean no one cares or that they are not interested in give you their opinions. You're new to the forum, so perhaps you didn't know that... As far as your situation goes, you can't save someone from their own mistakes. You can tell them until you're blue in the face, but in the end, they have to make their own decisions and if it means they end up "putting their foot in it," the only thing you can do if you want to remain friends is NOT to tell them, "I told you so." Your girl friend has to make up her own mind. Perhaps she will the light, perhaps not. About the only thing you can do is to sit tight and see how things go. Don't spend the time pining away for her -- keep yourself busy. HTH, TMichaels
Author synthetic Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 sry if my 2nd post seemed like that, but it was more of me trying to move on, i know it takes a while for people to respond... just i want some comfort and try not to add another regret to my list. i made so many mistakes in the relationship, like: no webcam, sending few pictures of myself, being negative about myself at times, saying the wrong things. her mistakes: she broke my trust, lead me on, and surprised me about her feelings our very first meeting. her and me took it slow, because her and me are both very shy people, so i don't see why those things would affect her so much. we didn't send pictures of ourselves until a year after we took up the relationship; i didn't even see her on cam until 1.5 years after. i just don't know if i'm the one to blame or if it's her. i trusted her enough to see this guy, and i thought they were just friends, but he made moves on her and i probably should have done more to keep her away from him. i honestly didn't think he was going to try so desperately to break us up and her falling for it... and i said things that made her wonder about me, but 3 1/2 years? why did she question my love for her? i turned down a girl last summer... for her. early on she use to comment on how she was helping this guy with his problems, and it was quite a bit... just i didn't think she was going to get attracted to that sort of guy. she's even told me that he has called her a few times early in the morning (1am - 3am) with his depressive moods, and she also told me that she fears he's going to kill himself if she said no to him... and she knows that if she left me, i wouldn't, so it's like she chose him out of pity. now she says that her and me may not work out in person, yet when we were together, we connected so well, and i know we did because she's very shy and kept holding my hand constantly and she even told me on MSN after the meeting that i made her laugh and smile a lot. i use to (can't anymore ) send her amazing letters that would sometimes make her cry tears of joy, and i send such meaningful gifts... but what seemed to kill us was that guy and her wanting someone close. our families met, too, and they enjoyed each other as much as her and me enjoyed ourselves after those initial 3 days. i don't know much about depressive/suicidal guys like him, and the things she says doesn't always seem to add up because before she said he use to talk depressive stuff and was desperate to get her, now he's "nice" and "caring". i'm not sure if he really is a nice guy, or he's just trying to get into her pants, then throw her away with this new act. a lot of my friends say she's with this guy because of the pity trip he pulled on her and because he's closer to her than me, even though it's still a long distance relationship. i feel like i wasn't given a chance in person, and also when i found out about him and her, i wasn't really given much to work with to show her how caring and passionate i am. i messed up so bad, and i wish i knew of a way to win her back because i am capable of moving to England next may. i also (as i said earlier) wonder a lot about who is more to blame for this. sry again for the long post... just i get so worried and frantic when i'm like this, and i don't want her to get hurt and i want a fair chance in person because i really wasn't given one. i messed up a lot, and i fear that it's too late to fix everything. thanks for reading (well anything that you read lol)
TMichaels Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 i messed up a lot, and i fear that it's too late to fix everything. NEWSFLASH: Synthetic, you didn't mess up a thing. The girl you were talking to on-line prefers a relationship with someone close by, not half-way around the world, even if by your standards who she's interested in is less worthy than you. You CANNOT make her change her mind. She has to figure out what she wants on her own. She's young -- so are you. She may come to her senses eventually, but in the meantime, don't waste any more time and energy pining for "what might of been" and deal with the here and now, which is: she's chosen someone else. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's the truth. You need to recognize this and stop blaming yourself for the fact your fantasy relationship didn't work out as you thought it would. It takes two to tango, and not every relationship ends up being "the one." From what you've written, any number of girls would be thrilled to have such a thoughtful, caring and attentive boyfriend. Get busy and find someone who is truly deserving of your time and attention. Quite frankly, she doesn't deserve you. Best, TMichaels
Author synthetic Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 yeah, i know, i didn't beg her or force her to see things my way. i just asked friends and my parents for advice, and i gave her her space and everything, yet she says i overcrowded her. it's lame because everyone thought it was going to go so well because we got along great, and i made her happy with all the things i sent her. i even backed off her when she didn't want me near her. it just hurts that she changed so much. i've known her for 4 yrs and she was such a nice girl, just this past yr she i don't know. things changed, and she says i was the one that did. anyway, thanks for your time. it makes me feel better getting the advice from someone that doesn't know me, so it's not biased.
wingk1314 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 synthetic, sorry to have to say this to you bro. But seriously, things like these is what LDR's are gonna have tagged with. I must agree that it's hard, but most other things are harder in a LDR. I do feel for you, but I guess for now, your gf is simply swinging over to the other guys side. If you want to keep the relationship, then do whatever you can possibly do, do your best to convince her. Otherwise, you're just gonna end up watching her leave you and go to that guy.
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