Michael212 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 I have been through many breakups in my life. 4 women have left me, and I have left 2. When I was 24 my closest friend slept and moved in with my girlfriend whom I was deeply in love with. Most recently I was with a girl who left her boyfriend of 7 years for me and told me that she wanted to marry me and have children - but when it came time to make a commitment - backed away. I have learned a few things about love feelings from these processes: 1. It ALWAYS feels like it was fated and meant to be. The person ALWAYS feels like they were PERFECT and the ONLY ONE for you. Six months down the line after a breakup you might look back with fondness or curiosity or incredulity at the person. But one thing is for certain you won't feel that they were the perfect one anymore. 2. Just because they aren't the perfect only one for you doesn't mean one should feel stupid about feeling that way - or avoid the feelings of love when they come into one's heart. Love teaches one things. The glory of it - and the absolute despair. I say this as a man who just spent an hour on a treadmill trying to stop myself from crying my eyes out. It teaches one about oneself. There's just no way of progressing forward in growth as a human being if one is not willing to go after those connections that feel so right. Doing so is the only way we really learn. Intellectually trying to rationalize who we should go for doesn't work. The more your heart breaks, the more deft you becomes at dealing with the inevitable changes of life. 3. There is no way through the feelings of hurt - but actually THROUGH them. They can't be avoided or denied. I don't believe in trying cognitive tricks like focusing on people's bad points. We love for a reason and if we seek to destroy our love with mind games we harm only ourselves. Maturity means learning to accept that we can love someone deeply, but that their particular path might need to lead off in a different direction to our own. We can still honor the time we spent with them and the connection we shared. 4. The more we focus on the past of what we lost or the future of what we thought we were going to have - the more we forget about the present moment where we are. Any time I have consistently applied myself to focusing on the here and now my life has re-entered a state of flow and I have started getting the things I wanted again. Of course this is a choice. When we sit an gnaw on the old bones of regret and remorse we relish the pain of our own wounding. When we resolve to take pleasure in each magic moment of creation we find the beauty we thought we had lost - all around us.
foxh1234 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Very well said. I have thought of alot of the same things myself. I am moving forward and enjoying my life again. Thanks for posting.
Angel1111 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Nice post. And I'm sorry you're going through a bad time right now. That really stinks. Something that I've noticed about myself recently is that as I get older and wiser, the break-ups don't destroy me for as long as they once did. It's kind of like my heart knows the drill, so it advances through it a lot faster. I don't know if it's just me or if anyone else has experienced this, but I'm grateful for it because I could do without all the pain.
sedgwick Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 It's been a year and three days since he left me, and I still absolutely think he was perfect. He was the one. I will always be out here loving him unconditionally. All I can do is pick a star every night before I go to sleep and say "I love you," and imagine that maybe he's out in some field with his bass looking at that star too. He was perfect. I wasn't. It was my fault for not being good enough. Simple as that.
Author Michael212 Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 Ouch - that sounds incredibly painful. I know well how that feels. I spent part of the afternoon wondering whether my taste in music was wrong - or whether I wasn't exciting enough as a person or wasn't "cool enough" for her. All the old insecurities come up - which have NOTHING to do with the other person and everything to do with one's old scripts. Feeling rejected can bring that stuff right up. I treat that as a perfect opportunity to love those part of me that feel inadequate. To bathe them in all the love one gives to one's beloved. When one is not practicing self love -then the other person becomes the illegitimate custodian of ALL love. What are all the things you love about yourself?
arian_ma Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Very well written post with a lot of truth in it. This reminds me of a line from a song from the movie Garden State. The song is called "Let Go" and the line says "There's beauty in the breakdown." I have never heard truer words.
Issues & tissues Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 When one is not practicing self love -then the other person becomes the illegitimate custodian of ALL love. So very true! Great insight! Had never thought of it like that before.
wingk1314 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 actually, I've never thought of any of my previous ex's as perfect. They've all got their flaws and so have I. I just accept it.
Kman21 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 well said, gave me a different perspective, and i agree on the things you have said.
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