fishman3226 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 OK, this is a long complex story. Sorry about this long post too. I am a seperated parent of two kids. I am with a new partner of now four years and have another daughter of almost three years old (so two older kids I see every other weekend.) My partner is same age as me and also has been married and had another long term relationship which didnt work. Ours is her first child. My partner of late has been VERY distant. I am lucky to get a one word answer out of anything (and this has been the same for months) and might get an unsolicited kiss three(?) times a day. Sex has always been something that has been too seldom (in my opinion) and that has completely stopped. Anyway, it turns out that after a visit too the doc she is suffering some form of depression. She is on anti depressant and the pill to settle her hormones I would think. She was referred to a counsellor who in speaking with her about it seemed only to want to pin EVERYTHING onto me being the issues in her life (which my partner doesnt agree with.) We seem to only talk during business hours thru email too (it seems to be the only conversation we have.) When we are home, she'll curl up with her laptop, play some online games and watch telly. If I try to engage her in a conversation it is often 'not heard' due to being engrossed in her game/chat with friend. I normally cook at home anyways so to a point when I am cooking I dont mind. What is pissing me off to no end is the way I am seemingly in the way. She makes no effort to engage me in conversation (I have almost completely given up) and forget sex in anyway - I dont even try anymore (I am sick of the frustration and to be blunt the humiliation.) When my older two kids come over she seems to resent the fact they are there in some respects. My eldest is 10 yr old male and is getting that testosterone thing going so at times is snappy - I seem to be being placed in between even when I tell him off yet she'll also go out of the way for them. I know she feels that their mother (who is a bitch) is always denigrating her and me to them and she sees that as a huge issue with us. She has said that she feels that she is missing out on things (she defined it as 'what about me?') because they always come first - ie, child support, contact etc. To a point they always will - I have obligations as a father to ALL my kids. I understand it but before things got serious it was something we talked about.) She says she isnt happy because of it all. We arent married to (and I will admit I am not divorced) which is an issue but I dont have the money to divorce my ex wife (who wont do it herself free of charge and will also involve the kids.) I had at one stage wanted to increase the amount of contact but with the way my partner is I dont want the extra hassle with her which is in my eyes incredibly sad and frustrating. Sex is also a HUGE issue. Recently she basically told me in a roundabout way that it isnt fulfilling (though I have never had any complaints and have been told I am quite competant at the act.) She has a low libido at the best of times. It is something I have spoken to her about alot in the past which goes nowhere. There is also the issue of an ex boyfriend from about 18 years ago who always seems to be 'about.' He is someone she spent a weekend away with just before we met and is a constant source of issue. To put it in a short sentence I simply dont trust her when it comes to him (there is a huge story attached to this.) I feel alot (especially of late) that I am the next best option and that she would rather have had him instead of me. He's always mentioned when my partner catches up with old friends (in the context 'me and him went away and spent a weekend away together and 'he is lovely.') and I am never spoken in the same way. I believe she is in touch with him even though I have asked her to stop. Anyways, I am more than annoyed. If our daughter wasnt there I would leave. Its the only thing keeping me here and making me want to at least give it a go. I dont believe she loves me (if she does she has a weird way of showing it.) I am frustrated sexually which is further complicated with two females friends including an ex girlfriend offering me 'relief' if I want it (which I am leaning toward even though it is against my own morals.) I must admit this is mainly a rant but am I right in being annoyed? Here I am trying to juggle alot of things including my own life and am treated like I arent good enough. Am I supposed to tell my older kids not to come around so their step mum (who never refers herself as their parent in anyway) can be fulfilled in some obscure way? I am fast losing faith.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 A casual reader of your story would wonder why you fled the wreckage of a first marriage and the resulting issues with kids, support, etc., straight into the arms of someone who (apparently) did not share the same enthusiasm for sex you did, couldn't marry you and yet you still chose to have a child with? Most of your wounds seem to be self-inflicted. You need to man up in couple of ways. Put your foot down with your partner and be the best father and most frequent presence in your older kid's life that you can be. Reallocate your financial resources and divorce your ex-wife. And lastly, quit looking at this relationship from the standpoint of you and your needs and get into MC before you're supporting 3 kids not living with you. Sorry for the tough love, but dang!!! Time to start thinking first and then going forward... Mr. Lucky
luvstarved Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 I don't feel as strongly as Mr Lucky that you have brought this all on yourself and have to "man up"...although there is validity in there for sure...I do understand that stuff happens and we don't always think it all through to all potential endpoints... But there seems to be a lot of resentment flying around and it seems absolutely necessary at this point for you to confront this situation head on with your current mate. You can't just tap dance around wondering how she feels and why you are getting the cold shoulder. In that sense you do need to "man up" and get some answers. You of course cannot control whether she will cooperate and give you straight information but you can control how you will react if she will not. If we always "knew how to act" and could all just ask straightforward questions of our SOs and never question whether we were getting complete and sincere responses, then this board would not exist. I've come here plenty asking for help in interpreting my H's behavior. But that is not for lack of trying to get the info straight from him. You have to try to communicate with her in a mature and respectful way and find out what is going on. If she is pining for real over some other guy, don't you want to know that now rather can get hit with it like a brick in 6 months or a year? If she has issues with being a stepmon, don't you want to address her concerns and improve the situation for all concerned, especially your kids? In the meantime, if you think things are complex now, go ahead and f**k some other woman while harboring jealous feelings toward some other guy...brilliant. You need to deal with this one person at a time, or you'll never unravel anything but your sanity.
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