saraispiel19 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Oh potatoes.. I didn't want to post this but might as well I need some help. *excuse the spelling/grammarical mistakes I only slept a few hours and on top of that I'm ill (what a great day it is!)* Well last night my husband and I got into a pretty nasty agruement. First he starts out with the regular how was your day questions and I tell him what happened, etc. From then on I was telling him I was talking to a friend and he asked what all did I talk about and I told him and he said "that's all nothing more..."- he can get controlling (has changed a hell of a lot and has reduced it a lot) and I got pissy with him and it escalted from then. *Keep in mind he worked more than a 12 hour shift yesterday and was very very tired*-- So we ended up having the big arguement that I've been trying to aviod after the whole situation with my husband and I (for those who don't know in a nutshell I discovered my husband had subscriptions to discreet sex sites, emails I did not know about-- he claims it was all curiousity and didn't follow through with them and well we're here now trying to get things right on track). Well the wanker ended up saying some pretty hurtful things: -that I don't do anything around the house; it is quite messy. I've been getting into the nasty habit of procastinating. -that after a long day at work he just wants to eat talk to me and just go to sleep and that I bother him for sex and to get a dildo or even go f--- somebody (i was in complete shock!) and he claims he said that only out of pure anger. -he even poured out the details of what he was going to do for my birthday and said "screw that i'll just say happy birthday and that's all"-- his plans were marvolous but all I really wanted is just to spend time with him not blow cash around on things... -other things that I cannot remember : like calling me an airhead (I for one am NOT an airhead nor sound like one so that was just bonkers) To wrap it up I would like to ask LoveShack members: am I trying to save something that can't be saved or is the healing process going to take a lot longer? What's your take? Lay it on me! FYI: In the end of it all we both went to bed, I for one was upset, confused, resentful and all those nice feelings. He put his hands down my pants and asked if I wanted to do it (that's his way of saying sorry or apologizing or making up..yup how nice.) and I told him no and that he needed some sleep. He ended up pulling me over to his side and asked for me to cuddle him closer and said that he loved me but I'm just a pain in the butt sometimes- I was silent the whole time and let him doze off and went to my side of the bed and just thought the whole night. This morning he kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me. I know he's trying his best to change but dammit I feel so hurt right now. Go'head tell me and please no husband bashing or calling him things it hurts me to hear people do so- thanks.
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Your husband is projecting a lot of nasty thoughts that are telling!?! How much longer are you going to be in denial!!?! In my experience, people are only sorry about what they say in anger when they find out it could be hurtful!!! If you kept fighting back, he would stay by those words! Trust me! My point is, he wouldnt be sorry if you didn't act hurt! You got some serious marriage issues! Wake up and smell the coffee!! I only say this because i can tell you are hurt and need some caring!
Author saraispiel19 Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 Your husband is projecting a lot of nasty thoughts that are telling!?! How much longer are you going to be in denial!!?! In my experience, people are only sorry about what they say in anger when they find out it could be hurtful!!! If you kept fighting back, he would stay by those words! Trust me! My point is, he wouldnt be sorry if you didn't act hurt! You got some serious marriage issues! Wake up and smell the coffee!! I only say this because i can tell you are hurt and need some caring! I'm sorry but I don't really get what your trying to say? I don't think I act hurt-- well of course I did after we had the arguement and we were in bed (I couldn't hide that). What is it that I'm in denial about?-- I see everything plain and simple; if he didn't want to be with me he'd leave- he has that option and he knows he does!
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 you are trying to save something that can't be saved!!! lay down the law with him! don't get sucked into an argument next time! calmly tell him : "That's enough! Goodbye!"
madgun68 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Hey Sara, I think it is possible to save your marriage but my first question is.. Are both of you trying to save it or is it just you? Both of you need to be involved in the process. I would suggest couples counseling. I think you two could benefit from learning how to contain arguments AND resolve them. From what you've posted, your husband turned it into a mudslinging match and went for the throat (figuratively speaking) when he started bringing up things only to hurt you. Not only that, but it doesn't seem like anything was resolved. Both of you simply dropped it completely without properly talking about it and that's going to lead to resentment. I'm also wondering.. Do you two have proper talks? Or do you simply try to avoid talking about sensitive subject for fear it could escalate?
Trialbyfire Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Since you can't control his behaviour, can you control yours to ensure that there's no escalation? Button pushing is a favourite pastime for many couples.
Author saraispiel19 Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 No no guys: we haven't brought history or even mentioned the ugly thing he did. It was that he thought I was being "b**chy to him and he was tired and I got pissy back- not an excuse for an explosion but it happened! Arise: oh I don't know if we can let go- he doesn't want to leave and niether do I. madgun: we have talked about it and all the things I wanted to know are answered, etc. I don't bring it up in arguements but I do tend to be catty if such subject arises. That I admit. Like I said we are both trying to salvage this marriage and work things out- it's just hard! As for your question; yes we talk about sensitive subjects we just don't know how to do it in a sensitive manner, we as in him! Trial (see I spelled it right this time eh!): I will control my behaviour, I do tend to yell once he starts saying awful things that he knows will hurt me. Look guys: he's from florida, we're in canada- he has more than enough money and reason if he would want to go back home if he wants to. He works long nights,only has sunday's off and just comes home to sleep and eat. So I definately understand his stress (although he says I don't seem like I appreciate it which I do!), If he didn't want to do this he'd leave simple as that- he has the option and has told me he wants me in his life.
dead-dyke Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 I don't know what to tell you, except he seems like a real number. You can't ..... IDK, It seems you bend to work for this, and he just dumps on you. Nobody will tell you the solution, because there is no clear cut solution. It will come when you say enough is enough. I wish you luck w/ this. Keep your chin up, if at all possible. P.S.- sorry, there is a clear cut solution, it's just going to happen when you finally realize you can't take anymore. I hope your self esteem will be ok.
Author saraispiel19 Posted July 20, 2008 Author Posted July 20, 2008 P.S.- sorry, there is a clear cut solution, it's just going to happen when you finally realize you can't take anymore. I hope your self esteem will be ok. Thanks for the brutally honest tip. I want to be with him more than anything in the world, i love this man! If I make him so "unhappy" (from what I sense) then he is free to leave: I really don't know how I get on his case: sure my house is messy but I do clean it on occassion, I take care of our daughter, cook food (at least attempt to make the best of what my skills give out), caring, affectionate...etc! I just can't seem to please him, yet he says he still wants to be with me??? I just don't understand. Truthfully i'm scared to be without him. sh--less!
Lizzie60 Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 No.. I think you are trying too hard to save something that is not worth saving.. your H is a jerk... if he thinks that it's too messy around the house, tell him to get off his azz and clean it.. You sound like a doormat to me.. and you seem to always 'excuse' his stupid behaviour .. he is not respecting you.. and you are bending backwards to please him.. and he is not appreciative.. Total loser.. get rid of him before he gets rid of you... He is probably doing stuff behind your back.. I would bet anything on that..
Author saraispiel19 Posted July 20, 2008 Author Posted July 20, 2008 No.. I think you are trying too hard to save something that is not worth saving.. your H is a jerk... if he thinks that it's too messy around the house, tell him to get off his azz and clean it.. Oh Lizzie... He does pick up after himself but also keep in mind he works long hard hours and I'm at home well doing nothing and I know i'm kinda lazy so there's no argument there. You sound like a doormat to me.. and you seem to always 'excuse' his stupid behaviour .. he is not respecting you.. and you are bending backwards to please him.. and he is not appreciative.. You know what your right I do bend over backwards for him I won't disagree but I don't know how to change that I really don't-- I like to show my affection and appreciation towards to one I love and I don't see that as a problem? I'm not a cynical nor self-absorbed person; I enjoy taking care of other people's needs first. Total loser.. get rid of him before he gets rid of you... He is probably doing stuff behind your back.. I would bet anything on that.. Now that's no way to talk now Lizzie; I dispise arguements, I really do. And if he wants to leave then he may! And I genuinely believe he is not doing things behind my back, especially after all we went through. Not all men are toads darlin' - they just come with warts.
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