Romea Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 I met my boyfriend in Germany, where I was living at the time, the summer before my 17th birthday. He was 20 and had just started uni. It was what can only be described as love on first sight. Instant attraction on an intellectual, emotional and physical level. Only ten days after our first date, we were crying in each other's arms confessing our love for each other, hardly able to believe that something like this could happen so quickly. We moved in together after half a year and lived together for two years until I got accepted into drama school in Berlin. The long-distance relationship wasn't easy, we ended up breaking up for two months, fooling around with other people, but got back together, more in love than ever before. Our relationship had become more mature, we were much less dependent on each other (that is, it felt like we now were together because we had chosen to be, not because ZE WORLD WUD END OMG if we ever broke up ) and despite the distance, things were going marvelously well. Almost two years ago now, I moved to London to continue my drama training here because I have a very complicated history of growing up all over Europe and, really, London is my home city of choice. Being at home in Germany, my boyfriend probably wouldn't have chosen to come here of his own accord, but he likes the city and the country and so, because I am here he's moving over this autumn to do his PhD here. We're now planning to finally move in together again. What's the problem? Well... exactly. We hardly ever fight, I can tell him anything, he's my best friend. But for the last half a year or so, I've been struggling to find any actual feeling inside me when we exchange 'I love you's. And more often then not, it's been followed by 'Do I?' in my mind. I'm starting to feel guilty each time he says it now, each time I say it back, because I feel like I don't mean it. But I don't know why I shouldn't! For all intents and purposes, it should be perfect. I was his first girlfriend, and while he wasn't my first boyfriend, he is the only man I have ever slept with. We helped each other grow up, and are so well adapted to each other that we can all but read each other's minds. He is the most caring, attentive man, a perfect gent, good-looking, someone who's written me songs and arranged surprise trips to Paris for me. He just turned 26, and I know he's thinking about marriage. But I'm 'only' 22, and the older I get, the less I feel like I want to get married anytime soon. I feel I have so many experiences yet to make, so much yet to learn and find out about myself, on my own. I need to know who I am and what I want in life to settle down with someone for good, and God! I don't! I don't know anything yet, I feel like I would like to know who I am *without* this huge chunk of me that is defined by his presence in my life. Who am I when I am on my own? But if we move in together this autumn... can I ever find out? How *could* anyone else compare, when I've only ever really been with one person? No one's ever had a chance. And, oh, I have met other men who are so different from him and who I've felt genuine attraction to, and I've wondered, how different would a relationship with them be? Better or worse? I've changed a lot, growing up over the last few years, maybe he's no longer the best match for me even though he used to be? But can I really risk throwing away 6 years of a mostly wonderful history together? And if I don't, is it really fair of me to have him move to a different country for me while I'm having such doubts? I used to look at him and not be able to tear my eyes away because he's so gorgeous. He's still gorgeous, but now other men catch my eye. He deserves better. So, should I wait and see if my feelings come back once we move in together or risk a huge mistake and end it?
CarrieT Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 So, should I wait and see if my feelings come back once we move in together or risk a huge mistake and end it? I am in my 40s and went through exactly the same thing you are going through; it is called growth. The person you are when you are in your teens and early twenties, while technically an adult, is plain and simply not the person you will be into your thirties and forties. You are becoming a different human being with different needs and desires and while the person you live with might be the best person in the world, the fact that the love you once had is different only shows how you are changing in your own right. And that is okay. You can't feel guilty about growing apart because you are still in the process of getting yourself established in your own skin, as it were. No one can tell you if that great love you once felt will ever return. What you CAN do is be honest with your partner, leave the relationship for YOU and discover your own strengths, desires, weaknesses, and path. And if it is meant to be, than the love you once had will return in full force and forever. But if it does not, it does not mean abject failure on your part. In only means you have grown as an individual.
Michael212 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Agree with you CarrieT. I have always found that when choosing between the desires of my heart and fear of making a mistake - desires of my heart will win out in the long run whether I like it or not. The sooner I accept them - the quicker I am able to move forward in my process. Fear of loss should not prevent one from exploring new things. As soon as there is that fear - whatever one is holding onto becomes stale and in time, an ever heavier burden. So let go - run with your heart. Trust it will lead you to the right place.
Angel1111 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 This is the same kind of thing I notice with the idealized 'childhood sweetheart' romances. They usually fail because who you are at 16 is not who you will be at 30. We all need life experiences to know who we are and you haven't had a chance to have those yet. We all go through phases in our lives and I honestly think that's why a lot of marriages don't work out. I think it's a lack of acceptance on our part as humans to recognize that the person who is right for us at one time in our life, may not be right at another time. But don't think you're the Lone Ranger here, a lot of people go through this. It's just a matter of what you do with it at this point in time. I've married because I didn't want to hurt someone but I ended up hurting them worse because we ended up divorcing. Things do not get better with marriage (or living together, which I don't recommend at all), they become more enhanced. So you can bank on the fact that what you're feeling right now, will become more of an issue 6 mos or 3 yrs down the road. It's up to you whether you want to deal with this now or 5 yrs from now. But it won't go away.
Author Romea Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Thank you to everyone who replied. I have decided to end the relationship for now, and I feel massively relieved. Thanks.
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