cherulie Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Hello everyone! I had been trying to deal with being OW alone, but now I really have no idea what to do! A couple of years ago, I started an affair with a married man. I never thought I would do that!! We didn't talk about how we felt, and never used the word "love." He could be pretty cold, sometimes I felt more like a favorite stripper than a lover. He admitted once that he often thought of leaving his wife for me, and frequently hinted that he was hiding a lot of what he felt for me. He would occasionally hint (he's not much of a talker) that he was very unhappy with his marriage. I really really tried to stay emotionally unattached. Hope is a stubborn bastard though, and I fell pretty hard for him. I spent a lot of time agonizing over whether he felt the same or if he was just having fun, but talking about it to him seemed taboo. Did he really want to leave his wife for me, or did he just want his wife to be more like me? He talked about how he thought his marriage might not end so well, did that mean he wanted it to end or was he agonizing over the prospect of losing his wife? A few weeks ago, I finally chose sanity over heartbreak. This guy can't tell me that he loves me and there's no chance in hell he's going to leave his wife. I need to be treated better than that! I didn't give much detail why, but I let him know I wanted to be just friends. It's not too surprising that he suddenly became Mr. Affectionate Friend, but I made up my mind to move on. His wife just announced she wants a separation. I'm pretty freaked out!! Rational thought has gone out of the window. I had finally convinced myself there was no hope of a future with him, and now there's this tantalizing possibility on the horizon. I don't know what to do, how to feel, how to act, help!! Here is a sample of the craziness going through my mind: * I'm heading straight for heartbreak city and I should stay far far away from him and start dating as soon as possible. This is my default. * I'm probably the only friend his wife won't automatically inherit, and I really do want to be there for him. * Did I ruin his marriage? * Who cares what I'm feeling. He's going through a divorce!!! * Will I fall off the face of the earth now that he's losing the woman he really loves? * He isn't playfully affectionate anymore, but he's still flirting sexually with me. Is he just looking for a distraction? * He says he's varying degrees of sad and angry, but seems to want closure, and keeps talking about divorce law. Will this really happen?? * I don't want to try to manipulate him into being with me! I know dating other men would make him very jealous. * What does he need from me? Should I bother him with my feelings at this point? I never could even when he wasn't under this kind of stress. * Will he ever feel for me what he felt for his wife? * Did I make this up? I really thought this would never happen! * Should we date other people before trying to date each other? * Can he be faithful to me? * How can she do this to him? * WHAT IF SHE CHANGES HER MIND????? I think I need some good, harsh reality-check before I pull all my hair out!
GPFan Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 * I'm heading straight for heartbreak city and I should stay far far away from him and start dating as soon as possible. This is my default.And a good default position it is. You do not want to be anywhere near his divorce. Go on with your life and he can catch up with you later when he is ready.
NatoPMT Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 im of the mind that his potential divorce isnt an immediate reason to reassess being with him he's not able to communicate - thats prob part of whats led to his affair, and led to his divorce. Just cos hes now potentially going to be single at some point in the next few years, doesnt change who he is, what he does or his issues, he still sounds like a bad bet for a future partner and a divorce wont change that
jjwest69 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 He is just thinking with his dick, he is still young and doesn't really understand how good his wife is.He is not getting much at home and needs a outlet, your good looking smart and his best employee , you only see his work side of life not his life outside. he is only using you for his own problems . Sorry to be blunt, thats the truth..
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 His wife just announced she wants a separation. Hmm, isn't the timing perfect. Do you know this for a fact? A few weeks ago, I finally chose sanity over heartbreak. This guy can't tell me that he loves me and there's no chance in hell he's going to leave his wife. I need to be treated better than that! I didn't give much detail why, but I let him know I wanted to be just friends. It's not too surprising that he suddenly became Mr. Affectionate Friend, but I made up my mind to move on. Then move on. IF this is true and they are separating, he needs time and space alone to figure things out. Maybe they'll divorce, maybe they'll get back together - Or maybe him telling you that information is not true. Is there any way you can verify this? Anyway, don't get sucked in and do NOT become his confident during this time. Once he is divorced, then casually date him, get to know him the old fashioned way and take your time to build up trust. Right now, well, this man is a cheater and a betrayer. Not someone you want to start your life off with until he fixes himself and changes some things about himself as well.
NoIDidn't Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 The title of this thread is "divorce!!" when it should more aptly be named "separation!!", because the two are not the same.
Author cherulie Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 Thanks everyone, I really needed to hear it from someone else that I was doing the right thing. By the way, yes, I know it for a fact.
OWoman Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 He could be pretty cold, sometimes I felt more like a favorite stripper than a lover. He admitted once that he often thought of leaving his wife for me, and frequently hinted that he was hiding a lot of what he felt for me. This does not sound like a man who respects you. Whatever his relationship was, or becomes, with his W, he has not made you feel loved or special or respected or cherished. And this during the A, when most OWs are feted like princesses and treated like queens! This guy is treating you like dirt from the outset - how can you expect it to get better?
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