teethbrushes Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 My ex and I broke up because i have a lot of questions about the relationship and he wants to focus on his career. He said he wanted space from me and knew he couldn't have a relationship with anyone. While I wasn't happy about it, I accepted it. He says he doesn't want me to wait for him, but would maybe like to get back together when he gets his act together. He said he would want to be with me if he could handle being with anyone, but he can't. He didn't want us to be talking and not "official" because he can't focus on his work if he's thinking about me. I respected that, but had a hard time at first. I am interested in dating other people, but my ex continues to IM me, e-mail me, text me and call me. He tells me he loves me and misses me each time and wants me to help him become stable. While I do love him, I don't know what to make of this behavior and if it means I should move on or wait around.... I do want to see other people, but it feels like I'm doing something wrong, especially since I am interested in this other guy...
carhill Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 So, were you emotionally involved with this man? Hurt by the breakup? I ask because of: I do want to see other people, but it feels like I'm doing something wrong, especially since I am interested in this other guy...Wouldn't now be a good time to be alone and process the ending of the relationship? You mention "doing something wrong", but that's more like a moral belief, rather than a reaction to the relationship ending. The ex left the door open so he could walk through it at some future date. He reinforces that doorstop by contacting you, even though he said he wanted NC. This is a male mind game. Are you OK with that? Why?
Author teethbrushes Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 I was and I do still love him, but I am not sure he is "the one". I have a lot of questions about the relationship that seem to be only answered through a round two of the relationship, however he maintains he does NOT want a relationship with ANYONE until he can get his act together. So I just said that I'm not waiting around. Maybe that's bad... But I made that mistake before waiting around for like 2 years for someone who wanted nothing to do with me. I'd rather not have that happen again.
carhill Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t74296/ Sound familiar? Your life is in the here and now. If he does not want a relationship with anyone now, that is his truth. Accept it. It is who he is. If he was/is the one, he would not say that to you or he might, and I stress might, change his mind at some time in the future. Your life cannot depend on his future, for that robs you of your present and the myriad of potential paths you have yet to discover. I understand why you have questions. I have a lot of questions myself. Time reveals all truths
Author teethbrushes Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 You're right, but what do I do? Do I ignore him? It makes it hard to move on if he's constantly talking to me, but I do love him...
carhill Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Yes, you can still love someone and not interact with them. In fact, it is even more important when you do love them and that love is not reciprocated. Trust me, I know this only too well. Don't ask.... Read the thread in my signature for the whys and wherefores....
Author teethbrushes Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 the problem IS the love is reciprocated, its just not the right time...
carhill Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 What does this mean? He said he wanted space from me and knew he couldn't have a relationship with anyone. While I wasn't happy about it, I accepted it. He says he doesn't want me to wait for him, but would maybe like to get back together when he gets his act together. He said he would want to be with me if he could handle being with anyone, but he can't. To me, this says he is not willing/able to reciprocate your love in a meaningful and immediate way. Does this meet your needs? I think that's what we're really talking about here....
Author teethbrushes Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 Well right. But I feel like these forums always jump to "He's a jerk!" "He doesn't love you!" He has stated that he loves me too much to compromise our relationship and wants an all or nothing. He is very honest and trustworthy and I would expect an honest answer from him. I asked if it was just me and if he had fallen out of love with me, and he said no he had not fallen out of love with me and he couldn't handle a relationship PERIOD right now. Sometimes I think that you have to accept that if you truly love someone. My question is, if he doesn't want a relationship and wants space, why doesn't he take the space I'm giving him? He was initially...
justaman99 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 If he really loved you and you really loved him you both would fine a way to make it work while you are together. Love isn't a put on hold thing. If he needs some things in his life to settle down he would look to you to help him and you would figure out a way to deal with his problems or challenges together, as a couple, as partners, as people who are in love SHOULD do for each other. Doing this would only make the relationship between you two that much stronger and that much better. Life will ALWAYS throw us challenges and if we have to bail out of relationships to deal with them then the relationship isn't that strong. What if you were married and something happened say to his father or mother. Say he couldn't deal with that and you at the same time. Would he say I need some time apart again? No if you loved each other you would help him through it. He would be open with you about what he needs and work on these things together because you love each other. -Just
Author teethbrushes Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 I guess, but I was for the break-up as well because I have some issues going on in my life. It doesn't mean I don't love him any less, just that I have issues that need to be worked out right now. Sometimes love doesn't conquer all...
carhill Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 OP, his truth is just different than yours. Can you reconcile that? Do you want to have a relationship strictly on his terms and relevant to his truth? Tell me how he has empathized with your feelings in this matter.
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