eca02gw Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Hello I'm a 25 years old male and am worried that my dad may be cheating on my mum in some way. I have recently noticed that my dad has been visiting dating sites as I can see this from the history on our web browser. Whilst I do not know the content of any messages he has exchanged (this would require a username/password), I can see from the history that he has definitely viewed profiles, sent messages, and received messages on this site. This obviously concerned me so I also managed to look at my dad's mobile without him knowing. There were a few messages from a particular woman but none of the messages that he'd sent were saved so I don't know what he has sent.I can tell from the texts that they are are a bit more than just "friendly". So, to summarise, at this stage I know for a fact that my dad has exchanged messages with other women by email and text but I do not know whether he has actually met with anyone. I really don't know what action I should take: should I confront my dad and tell my mum or just confront my dad? If I confront just my dad then he may say that he will stop but just try to cover it up more. However if I tell my mother she will be devastated as this has happened to her in the past in a previous marriage. Any advice offered would be gratefully received.
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Do you live with your parents? If so, then talk to him, let him know what you've seen on the computer and that you're concerned he's cheating on your mom. I would say, find out more, and then tell him he has to come clean with your mom or you will tell her. She deserves better. I'm not sure if you should say anything to your mom, atleast not yet..You don't have enough proof that he's cheating, though enough is there now to make one wonder since he is up to no good in the sense of doing stuff online that I'm sure your mom wouldn't be pleased about. Is it your place to tell her? Do you believe she would want to know, and hear it from you right away or wait until she catches him? Maybe she knows something is "up" with him and hasn't quite put her finger on it.
carhill Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 OP, put a keylogger on the computer, print out the results, keeping a copy for yourself, put them in an envelope and give them to dad without discussion. He'll know that you know and will have something to consider. You're an adult now, even though you'll always be their child, and they will have to resolve their relationship themselves. IMO, don't discuss, don't engage, merely relate that you have knowledge. My sympathies. It sucks to be in the middle of something like that.....
Author eca02gw Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 Hello again, Many thanks for all your responses. To answer the question: yes I do live at home, although I was planning on moving out soon. However, discovering my dad's internet activities has made me feel I should stay a while so I can monitor this situation after I have confronted him. I hadn't even thought of carhill's suggestion-keylogging; in some ways it would feel like almost too much of an intrusion of privacy but I do also think it is justifiable given the circumstances. It is something that I may have to consider in order to monitor the situation after talking to my dad. I can't stop thinking ahead-like what I will do/what will happen after I have confronted him. If he says he will stop contacting other women online how will I know that he actually will? At the same time I am aware that I am perhaps thinking too far ahead and need to take things one step at a time. Any further thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated and many thanks again for the advice already given.
Virgo822 Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 What are you trying to accomplish? If your dad is straying, there are problems between him and your mom. You've talked only about confrontation, what about the larger issues that are causing this problem? You probably can't solve those problems. Its possible that you could play a constructive role, but that's not a sure thing. There's no way to tell from your posts what might be motivating your dad. Confrontation is not your only option. Think a little bit about what you want, and why.
Meaplus3 Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 Hello I'm a 25 years old male and am worried that my dad may be cheating on my mum in some way. I have recently noticed that my dad has been visiting dating sites as I can see this from the history on our web browser. Whilst I do not know the content of any messages he has exchanged (this would require a username/password), I can see from the history that he has definitely viewed profiles, sent messages, and received messages on this site. This obviously concerned me so I also managed to look at my dad's mobile without him knowing. There were a few messages from a particular woman but none of the messages that he'd sent were saved so I don't know what he has sent.I can tell from the texts that they are are a bit more than just "friendly". So, to summarise, at this stage I know for a fact that my dad has exchanged messages with other women by email and text but I do not know whether he has actually met with anyone. I really don't know what action I should take: should I confront my dad and tell my mum or just confront my dad? If I confront just my dad then he may say that he will stop but just try to cover it up more. However if I tell my mother she will be devastated as this has happened to her in the past in a previous marriage. Any advice offered would be gratefully received. I would not say a word to your mom at this point, nor would I confront your dad. As someone else suggested, you might want to look into a keylogger perhaps that could give you proof. I'm real sorry your caught up in this. Best wishes. AP:)
carhill Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 OP, think of the evidence you obtain as a ship at sea. As long as dad does the "right thing" and stops the behaviors, that ship will never reach port (mom). If dad has been approaching random women online, the impetus for that is just part of who he is; his psychology. That will likely never change. What can change is his choice of behavior. Behaviors can change for many reasons, consequences being one of them. Think how your parents molded your behavior with reward and consequence when you were young. It's part of the human experience and never goes away. His choices will be telling. Yeah, I'd move out ASAP. This will get you some distance as well as allow mom and dad the freedom to deal with their differences unfettered by your presence. Hope it all works out
LakesideDream Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 OP, it sounds like your parents are around my age. I may have something to offer. First... Don't do anything. You don't have enough information. You have no idea if your father is even "involved" with any of these contact. You don't know why he is trolling the net. Even if you had "proof" of infidelity, it's not your place to become the truth police. Additionally. You have absolutely no right to be "snooping about". Your mother and father see fit to continue to support you, and give you a place to live. Repaying those gifts by putting your nose where it does not belong may damage your relationship with your parents beyond repair. You must leave the problems your parents face in their marriage to them. You will only do harm by putting yourself into the mix. It's time to grow up and face the world on your own. When you become 100% responsible for yourself, you may discover that you don't have the time, or extra energy to be someone else's monitor.
carhill Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 I noted the OP used the word "mum". Perhaps he could relate the cultural differences regarding family dynamics in his country, which might not be the US. I know from my travels that families in other parts of the world do things very differently than we do here in the states. Myself, here, personally, I'd stay out of it, being the rugged individualist that I am The OP appears to be of the mindset that confrontation is an option he seriously is considering. There must be a reason for that, likely cultural/social. OP, how does your culture deal with such acts within a marriage? Is this normal/acceptable in general? Frowned upon but tolerated? Stake through the heart? Help us out....
Author eca02gw Posted July 20, 2008 Author Posted July 20, 2008 Thanks for the further responses. Just to answer a few of the questions: I use the word mum as I am from the UK. I don't know what the cultural differences for this situation are between the UK and the US. As for my how culture views such acts: if my dad has been seeing other women in a "more than friendly" way than I (and I'm sure most people) would see this as wrong. However, if he has just been messaging women, I would see this as worrying but only wrong if he actually starts meeting them and taking things further. Also, I should maybe put the situation in a bit more context. My mum and dad are both retired and are 60 and 61 years old respectively. They have been married 27 years and have never in my knowledge had a major argument. I have not detected any tension whatsoever, and they seem to be getting on fine. This is the reason why I have found it quite a shock to discover that my dad has been on dating sites. I'd like to also point out that I found out my dad's web activities innocently and not by snooping around. I was typing a web address in the browser and it predicted the name of a dating site, which indicated that it had been visited in the past. This clearly shocked me. It was only then that I looked in the history and saw that this site has been visited quite often recently. Thanks again.
carhill Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 OP, I was interested if it is culturally "normal" in the UK for adult children to involve themselves in their parents relationship in situations like this ..... I'd be inclined to think that their relationship is none of my business (I never faced this in my parent's 32 year marriage) but your perspective might be different. I know, in some parts of the world, everyone in the family is involved in everyone else's business, and quite vocally Any action you take, other than not acting, carries some risks and consequences. Think it through....
mental_traveller Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I can't stop thinking ahead-like what I will do/what will happen after I have confronted him. If he says he will stop contacting other women online how will I know that he actually will? It sounds like you are assuming that making him stop contacting other women is a legitimate goal. IMO this is mistaken. If your dad feels unhappy enough to look elsewhere, then you can't cure this by having him "stop contacting other women". The desire to look elsewhere will remain, even if the symptoms (looking online) stop. It's like trying to curing arthritis by prescribing painkillers. You should aim for a more achievable goal. He is obviously unhappy in the marriage. You cannot change this. All you can do is make him address this unhappiness in an honourable way (e.g. telling your mother upfront; getting counselling, or having an honest divorce), or allow him to address it in a dishonourable way (i.e. turning a blind eye; or discussing with him but letting your mother stay in the dark). In my opinion, the best result would be for your father to honestly state why he feels the need to do this, and then to go to your mother and tell her why he is unhappy. Then they can at least see if they can work out the problems. If not, at least they can part like adults, with no dishonesty and deception. This is far better than any situation where your dad keeps hiding things. This should be your goal - confront him, but don't condemn him. Do not ask that he stop - just ask that he be honest and let your mother and his wife know the score. Tell him you will NOT under any circumstances let your mother be lied to about the truth of his feelings, and the state of the relationship. Tell him you expect him to act like a real man, and be open with her. And if he can't do that, then you will have to.
mental_traveller Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 OP, I was interested if it is culturally "normal" in the UK for adult children to involve themselves in their parents relationship in situations like this ..... I'd be inclined to think that their relationship is none of my business (I never faced this in my parent's 32 year marriage) but your perspective might be different. I know, in some parts of the world, everyone in the family is involved in everyone else's business, and quite vocally Any action you take, other than not acting, carries some risks and consequences. Think it through.... If someone was exposing one of my parents to potentially fatal STDs, and deceiving them and breaking marital vows with treachery on an epic scale, then of course I would tell them. If the person doing the wrong was my other parent, I would give them the courtesy of confessing things themselves, but if they chose not to do that then I would present the reality as it stands. It is truly evil to allow someone to live a lie, when you *know* they are being grotesquely defrauded by another. Ten times more so when it is your own flesh and blood who is the victim. I'm perhaps even more of an individualist than you Carhill (maybe not as rugged!), and I see this as pretty black and white. I wouldn't "out" the potential affair, but I would say to my father/mother "Do the right thing and "out" yourself. If not, then I will do it". I don't see how this is a country or culture issue. It is an issue of basic morality and human decency.
Lizzie60 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 You're old enough to be out of your parents' house.. My advice: leave them alone.. this is absolutely none of your business... you have no right to be snooping on your father...
LakesideDream Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 If someone was exposing one of my parents to potentially fatal STDs, and deceiving them and breaking marital vows with treachery on an epic scale, then of course I would tell them. If the person doing the wrong was my other parent, I would give them the courtesy of confessing things themselves, but if they chose not to do that then I would present the reality as it stands. It is truly evil to allow someone to live a lie, when you *know* they are being grotesquely defrauded by another. Ten times more so when it is your own flesh and blood who is the victim. I'm perhaps even more of an individualist than you Carhill (maybe not as rugged!), and I see this as pretty black and white. I wouldn't "out" the potential affair, but I would say to my father/mother "Do the right thing and "out" yourself. If not, then I will do it". I don't see how this is a country or culture issue. It is an issue of basic morality and human decency. There is also a large component of "boundries" here. You are not your Dad's mommie or daddy. Your fathers mistakes, or mis-cues are not your responsibility. Take some time and examine your relationships with your parents. Why do you feel the need to police their behavior?
carhill Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I don't see how this is a country or culture issue. It is an issue of basic morality and human decency. I've lived in/traveled to enough places to know that "our ways" are not the ways of the world. I think we have enough issues with trying to be the police of the world without imposing our moral codes on other cultures. If I were in his place, I'd hold my counsel. If I did want to disclose, I'd do it as I suggested in my OP. I'm happy to see the OP has received a myriad of perspectives and hope he makes an informed decision. This is important stuff. His parent's marriage may turn on the decisions he makes.
luvstarved Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I would stay silent and get the keylogger. The OP was not looking for trouble but found it anyway. If keylogger shows Dad is having some icky but harmless fantasy things going on, then OP should keep it quiet. That is Dad's business. If Dad seems to be making plans to meet, or has met, or other evidence indicates actual physical relationship(s) with others are involved, then I think OP needs to have a little talk with Dad. I would not be able in good conscience to turn away from this unwanted discovery...only perhaps to find out later that Dad caught an STD or got involved with a headcase that might actually purposely hurt my Mum. If OP finds drug paraphernalia in the coat borrowed from Dad, does he/she stay silent then? Dad is possibly in a danger zone. Loving family intervenes when trouble surfaces. IMHO.
torranceshipman Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I think it'd be a great thing to alert your dad to the fact that you know. I think hes in the danger zone, is taking a fantasy or something a bit too far...but if he steps over the line any further, sounds like he's in way over his head - you might need to save him from himself and step in before this goes further. Sounds like your parents love eachother a lot and I think thisd give him the 100% wake up call/reality check he needs to stop the stupid behaviour...if it went on longer and something happened with another woman he might lose every single thing that is important to him...stupid old man, yes, but him finding out that you know might suddenly give him the slap in the face he needs to wake up and get back to reality and apprciate what he stands to lose! And to realise he doesnt need this silly fantasy (and then he'll realise that before its too late). The humiliation of knowing you know and the scare of losing your respect will probably be enough. Plus lets hope it hasnt gone any fuirther already....I am kinda a fan of the keylogger too but to be fair, just putting it straight out there-I know what you're up to - might be enough.
sfsassy Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I actually saw a Friends episode about this. Joey busted his dad for sleeping with another woman. His mom was actually a bit peevved (though she understood why he told her) She had kind of known, but not really, and her husband was actually being nicer to her because of the affair. Now she had to confront him, and deal with feelings, which no one in that family was good with. All the characters eventually decide to just go back before the revelation and pretend to know nothing, lol. If I had proof of a physical affair,I would most likely tell. If it was flirting, though not good, would probably be less likely to tell. Of course considering they never fight, maybe they have an understanding, but you don't know that, and your mom can just tell you if they do.
luvstarved Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Well...I would hold off on saying anything to Mom or doing anything to tip her off...such as making sarcastic remarks about Dad or whatever... Wait and see what OP finds out about Dad and then consider Mom... If the info popped up so easily, maybe Dad is computer-unsavvy, or is not bothering to hide anything, or kinda wants to be caught? OP should consider which possibility rings most true... Maybe they do have an understanding...although I would not just take Dad's word on that either...
BUENG1 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Hello I'm a 25 years old male and am worried that my dad may be cheating on my mum in some way. I have recently noticed that my dad has been visiting dating sites as I can see this from the history on our web browser. Whilst I do not know the content of any messages he has exchanged (this would require a username/password), I can see from the history that he has definitely viewed profiles, sent messages, and received messages on this site. This obviously concerned me so I also managed to look at my dad's mobile without him knowing. There were a few messages from a particular woman but none of the messages that he'd sent were saved so I don't know what he has sent.I can tell from the texts that they are are a bit more than just "friendly". So, to summarise, at this stage I know for a fact that my dad has exchanged messages with other women by email and text but I do not know whether he has actually met with anyone. I really don't know what action I should take: should I confront my dad and tell my mum or just confront my dad? If I confront just my dad then he may say that he will stop but just try to cover it up more. However if I tell my mother she will be devastated as this has happened to her in the past in a previous marriage. Any advice offered would be gratefully received. nevermind.......
Lookingforward Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Bottom line - you're the kid, they're the parents....it's none of your business.........
Lizzie60 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Bottom line - you're the kid, they're the parents....it's none of your business......... EKKEZZZAKLY... WELL SAID! just look that all your stuff is in order... never mind other's..
luvstarved Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I am really surprised by the "mind your own business" opinion that is prevailing here. I guess it is a matter of how serious you think this issue could potentially be. Of course he cannot control his Dad or choreograph his parents' marriage....but talking to his father when his father may be about to make a huge and irrevocable mistake that he will almost certainly regret doesn't really seem like being "nosy" to me. If he saw Dad about to jump off a bridge, that too would be none of his business? Sure people are going to do what they want IN THE END, but I think it is appropriate to at least try to HELP THEM.
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