I cant go on like this

[roadking1340]

Please excuse my spelling and grammer I am not very good at it. A womens point of view would be good but guys can pitch in too.

Here is my situation. I was with this girl for 10 years and she ended up leaving me because I would not marry her. she said if I didnt love her like that then why stay together. Let me back up a bit.

In my first marrage to my first wife we were high school sweethearts and we were together for 12 yrs and had one son and she ended up sleeping around behind my back and I found out through a mutual friend. that took such a toll on me. must of took 5 yrs of my life. It took me over a year to get over that on.

 

Ok back to the main story. the reason I did not want to get married is that I was affraid to do it again. marriage seems to change people for

some reason. she left the first time because she needed to see what she wanted and ther was whispers of another guy but she says it was for support. I know What your going to say. anyway. agter only one month she moved back in and we decided to get married so the following april we went to maui and got married it was great now a year later. she tells me she doesnt know if she feels the same and that there is a wall there that she cant get passed. I have been crying and skipping work I cant eat or I get sick. I already went through this once with her and I have been crying for days straight I thaught for sure we would last forever. I cant let it go I have send here no lie about 30 e-mails flowers loveletter and some nasty ones. and it has been about a week now and I met her for coffee and said look we are married now we cant just walk away you have to work a little to keep a marriage fresh. and she said it is this wall thing again. So at the end of the conversation she says fine I will stay and try but tonight she came home and it feels really weird like tention wich I am sure will pass. itseems a couple of months ago we were fine. she says she is missing that felling . like when you just sitting around and you look at eachother and you get that tingle in you nose and googly eyes at each other. that thing. What do i do we have a house together but no children together but I have been with her youngest son sense he was 16 months old. I dont want to let go I cant. I dont have any friends any more all my famil is all around the country she is all I have I feel like i am ontop the empire state building hanging off the edge and she is going to let go and down I go. I dont think I can do this. what will happen. There is no fu**en way I can live with out her 11 years of just me and her no one else I dont know how to servive this. Do you think the wierd ness will go away or do you think I am doomed. Should I tell her if she needs to go then go. I feel like i am forceing her to stay. or maybe it will be allright.HELP

[frd150]

Hey Roadking,

 

Sorry you are going throught this, Ive never been married but from my limited experience I know how hellish it can be.

 

So You two are back living together eh? Well as hard as it might be maybe the best thing for both of you is to seperate for a while. Reason is right now ill bet she feels guilted into staying and that guilt is the biggest thing in the way of reconciliation. The two of you need to be apart so that your heads can clear. There is no way that is going to happen in the present living condition. You also need to be apart so that she can miss what the two of you had. Again thats not going to happen unless the two of you take a break from eachother.

 

Ok, somwhere in the last ten years you lost who you where,you need to get that back. You need to re-connect with friends and or make new ones. No one likes to be in a realtionship with someone who is not confident enough to have a life of there own. Basically make yoursel attractive to her again so that she gets that tingle that you mentioned. There are alot of ways to do this ie new activities, the gym, frinds,...

 

Stop all the letters, e-mails and flowers. Each time you do one of those things you are pushing her away. She ahs to see that the world does not revolve around her and by doing for yourself you agail may regain that appeal. So stop everything needy this is not the movies and in almost every case it does not work.

 

 

You may also want to seek counceling. If she wont go then go on your own. If ou do this and she dosent go now she may just down the road. I think it might be whats nesecarry for both of you at some point but maybe im getting too far ahead.

 

Roadking let me tell you Im a prouduct of divorce and my parents tried co habitating after a seperation and to this day i remember it was the most awkward thing/feeling Ive probably ever experienced. Looking back at my Dads desperate just makes me feel sorry for him. So be confident,Show her know that youll be be ok .

[kizik]

She has to see that the world does not revolve around her

 

This is an incredibly well-stated reason for No Contact.

[roadking1340]

I dont know why this is so hard we went through this once before. it this time seems harder because it seems it is the last straw this time. I was raised to give everything to your family . I mean she has a good job I own my own company with apartner and make good money we have a nice house I am a great guy everyone says. Every one makes jokes because everything my wife wants she gets. I thought it was OK. so should I just tell her go and try hard to suck it up or should I see what happens I mean she is still sleeping in the same bed and still wearing her ring . I am so confused on what to go but around her. my stomach is in a constant knot and feel almost like I am gonna get sick. I told her today that most of this was my fault and if she wants to go she can but I dont want her to. I feel like im gonna die, or I am going insane or through a withdrawral

[frd150]

Ive found that its not the material things that matter,its time spent. What I mean is you can have all the wealth,all the stuff,give em what they want but in the end any women thats worth being with will eventually need more emotionally

 

I thought exactly as you with my last ltr. We lived together in my house for 2.5 years. I thought by just being succesfull and providing material things I would be ok. Well in the end i lost her and it took a while for me to realize my role.

 

Like I said ,the two of you need to go to your nuetral corners and re-group. This being together but apart is doing and will do no good. It just seems so forced thus akward.It will take a while but if you do this that Im gonna die feeling will subside. She kows your feeling that way and she feel guilty. Like I said do not guilt her into anything.

 

Did you tell her that most of this was your fault just to tell her what she wants to hear? It was not mostley you fault because if it was and if she felt strongly about you you would not be here. Nope, something is up with her also and some outside help might help clear things up.

 

Stop beating yourself up and asking why why why. Start asking yourself what your going to do to make you better with or without her.

[roadking1340]

Hey frd150, Maybe I just dont know how to love I try to be close to her but when I give it I feel rejected. I mean earlier like a year ago. Just seams Like she is not a simple girl. some girls I have talked to say simple things in life are all they need and some others need that constant reassurance that you careand that they are #1. I think I get wraped up and dont see what I am doing or dont react to her signs. But she doesnt go out of her way to turn me on either she seems to want itall but not willing to give. But inside i love her with all my heart. It is like she is sick and dying and I am trying so hard to save her but I know in my head she will die and it is killing me . I know everyone is saying it will get better but I dont want to start I want her. I dont know. We went to her brothers party last night and seem to go rather well. I tried to flirt with her but her eyes looked right through me but she sure was able to talk to the other people and flirt with guys there. I was sitting with her and putting my hand on her leg rubbing her back trying anything just to give her attention. she says it does not feel like I am doing it becauseI love her it is because I feel I have to. I am not at the point in my life I feel I can do this. I know i have no choice, I wish I could go to sleep for a year and wake up and move forward from there. How do I get the love back for her . I do love her but even me I feel from all this rejection It is starting to make me very angry and changing my feelings towrds her. When she does look at me a certain way I melt and I havnt got that look for over 6 months she is verry mad at me. this being the second time for this do you think is really over or do you think we can recover fron this again. God I dont know how to move.

[roadking1340]

yesterday was kingd of weird., her sister came over ,she is on my side through this. The day went on with her just grabbing the kids and going out without me off and on for a couple of hours. I dont know, ussually we always were together it feels so fuc@!ed up like this . . her sister left about 7:30 we went for a coffee and she said she did not want to go back home yet so I asked her if she wanted to go for a ride to newport,RI it is about an hour away to the ocean she said yes so we drove for a while and she was crying almost the whole way there and back and she said she was so sqrewed up and she feels like she is going crazy . She is in a depression no doubt about it she said it is her ,she said she was meant to be alone. She came from a bad background her farther never liked her or showed any love and was cheating on her mother for 15 yrs. Now I am taking the punishment for it. so we finally got home about 11:00 and she was sitting on the porch crying and I asked it she was ok and she just said everone thinks i am crazy why am I so unhappy in life . I told her she should go and see someone to talk to and she said O a shrink oh ya I am crazy. I told her everyone goes through depression in there life and if you are about to loose everything you ever wanted and worked for than you need to take the chance and go, I dont know. But idid tell her straight out look I do not want to force you to stay if you want to go you should go and Left it at that. I am the main bread winner in the house I dont know how she will make it own her own but everyone tells me do not help her at all she wants to go then let here go and do everything on her own and let her realize how much I do do for her and her kids. I dont know I will miss her so much.

[roadking1340]

I finnaly came to grips to tell her I am out of here and told her if she wants a divorce than I will go tomorrow and file and she started to cry and said she doesnt know how to love me and it is all her fault she said she doesnt deserve someone like me, I deserve someone better. she feels like everytime she tries to please me and show love it doesnt come out right. What a twist of events but she still doesnt know what she wants to do I think she has just fallen out of love for me. I do so much for her and the kids. she says she doesnt know how to love me right I dont know if it is a line of crap or sincere

[critter909]

You need to calm down. Like a previous poster said you need to give this some breathing room, quit confronting her and pushing her. She obviously needs to see a counselor and probably on her own at first. There is something going on with her personally and you need to give her a chance to work it out. Maybe talk to the sympathetic sister about getting her to a psychologist. But please, back off, you are only driving her away. I can tell you really care about her but you are going about this the wrong way.

[frd150]

Hey Roadking,

 

looks like you are making some moves towards a solution which is good. You have to be careful though, you dont want to fire everything at her at once. I.E. you need to see a shrink and then next telling her that you will file for divorce if thats what she wants. She needs help man, help that you cant give her. No offence but a little outside help might work fo you.

 

Be careful with the sister as this can backfire. When my ex walked out on me it was her best friend that was the first to get involved in my favor. She tried everyhting as she knew that I loved my ex and would do nothing to hurt her. Well, turns out my ex ended up ceasing all contact with her best friend after letting both of us have it. I didnt even ask for the help ,her best friend just saw a need. They are talking now which is good but her best friend still supports me. Just be careful with the sister.

 

 

Ill go back to what i said before and that is you need to be apart. She cant miss whats not gone. She needs time by herself to reflect. Hopefully in that alone time she will realize that she needs help.The things (if sincere) you say she says worry me,her words are not the words of a stable person.

 

So take action but walk softley, too much at once will get you nowhere but worse off.

[roadking1340]

I Thank you guys so much for the support. we talked alot the other day and she said she will stay and try to work it out. I told her in a soft voice if you need to leave and work it out you can go and I will let you. she said she would stay and try but this wall is so hard to climb. I hope I have what it takes to climb it. I told her she should go talk to someone but she doesnt want to hear it. I have been letting her do here own thing and backing off. it is tuff I have never seen here so unhappy in the 11 years we have been together when we broke up 2 yrs ago it was bad but this time she is a mess. I Really miss her I hope she turns around. I told her to really take a look at her life she has so much to be thankful for and lets work on new memmories and close the door to the past and move forward but she harbors so much resentment towrds me I dont know if she will ever let it go. The problem is I never even new I was fuc&&ing up I thought it was just a rough patch. I will let you know how it goes the next couple of days