georgejungle Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 the dreaded SILENT TREATMENT. It's the worst. Not to single anyone out here, but women are the best at this. Every girl i've ever been with, uses the silent treatment and I can't stand it. I feel like Men just get things off their chest, women hold it in. Just venting. My wife is notorious for using the silent treatment on me. And it's not even like she uses it because she wants me to figure out what's wrong, she just doesn't want to talk to me and will ignore me for a hours. it'll even carry thru the night while we sleep and she'll wake up not talking to me. All for the dumbest stuff too. Man, if i gave HER the silent treatment, i'd be the worst male in the world to her. Why keep silent, why not just get it off your chest? What's the point?
blair08 Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 THe silent treatment is or can be used as a form of punishment, espcially if the one doing the silent treatment knows it bothers the other one who wants to know whats wrong or whats going on. Its immature and a way not to deal with things. Maybe she needs to learn some new communication skills. If she has always used it on you, she probably keeps doing it becasue she is getting something from it. She more than likley knows it bothers you.
stoopid_guy Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 Woo-hoo! Silence is golden! The silent treatment can be a real treat! Also, we are frequently guilty of speaking before we've really thought things through. We've all said things and realized later we should have stayed silent or said those things differently. I think that frequently we are contemplating our words when the other party thinks we're giving them the "silent treatment."
stoopid_guy Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 I love using the silent treatment. And what must your guy do to earn that peace and quiet?
oasis Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 The silent treatment comes in handy sometimes, because certain words and actions can come back to haunt you later. I have been a prime example of that in the past. I now use silence as a way of protecting myself. And it has worked. Silence can never come back to haunt you. Words can.
Geishawhelk Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 OK, here is an explanation. We're talking 'Animal kingdom' here.... In an awful lot of herd or group situations, the female of the species is in charge of maintaining group or herd discipline and order, when the males are away and out on the hunt. The silent treatment is another word for ignoring, or more accurately, ostracism. This is a dangerous place to be as a herd member, because it leaves the "chastised" member of the pack isolated, and open to outside attack and possible injury, or worse, death. Thereofre it's effective and drastic, but it really leaves the member in absolutely no doubt that their behaviour is both intollerable and unacceptable. So the females of he pack will oust the member (male or female, and keep them at bay, until gradually, through body language and facial expressive communication, the offender shows contrition and subjugation. Then, without too much fuss, ceremony or palaver, they'll take their place back in the pack. Humans, are animals. we do likewise. Remember the "got to your room!" from mum and dad? Remember how much it hurts when freinds wont answer out rtxt mssgs, or e-mails? Remember how difficult NC is? I rest my case. Women rock! we are good at it! But, it's only natural..... Men can beat their chests, charge each other and crash horns, and roar and bellow. We just sit, disinterested, until you wise up.
Woggle Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 My wife ever pulled that crap I would just leave the house and hang out with the guys. If she were not ready to talk by the time I got home I will go out again. It helps to have interests other than your wife or girlfriend because if she gives the silent treatment or something like it is no big deal. After a while she will realize that it doesn't work.
stoopid_guy Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 The silent treatment comes in handy sometimes, because certain words and actions can come back to haunt you later. I have been a prime example of that in the past. I now use silence as a way of protecting myself. And it has worked. Silence can never come back to haunt you. Words can. Very wise. Think before you speak or act, especially if you're angry, and especially with those you really care about. (And that goes both ways between men and women.) We're talking 'Animal kingdom' here.... Maybe on a primative level, but there is a key difference: The "silent treatrment" from your SO is not ostracism from society. Actually, it seems like a perfect opportunity to go have a few beers with the friends, or get some things done around the home without distraction, or teach your kids to play poker. That's not exactly "punishment." In human society, it just means "I'm mad and I don't want to talk about it." So ladies, you're angry about something and you don't want your man's help resolving it. We should be happy to oblige.
Taramere Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 Why keep silent, why not just get it off your chest? What's the point? I'll go silent when I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about something, if the other person has made it clear that they're not interested in hearing what I've got to say or if they're starting to get aggressive in a way that's likely to turn nasty. As far as punishing someone with silence goes, I'd be pretty disappointed to find myself doing that. My mother used to employ that deliberate, icy "withdrawal of love" approach on us as kids for fairly extended periods of time. I think she thinks it's an elegant way to demonstrate disapproval, but it's not a form of handling conflict that I have much time or respect for. Sadly it's something she still sometimes does with her grand-daughter, and then she wonders why the relationship isn't as good as it could be. I think if you have that feeling where you're just too angry to talk and need a bit of time to simmer down, you let the other person know that. Just lapsing into silence and leaving the other person wondering what they've done wrong and when they might be "welcomed back from Coventry" is pretty pitiful, though.
Trialbyfire Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 My response to someone who uses the extended form of silent treatment is to withdraw out of the relationship. Life's too short to stay with someone who's conflict avoidant.
Geishawhelk Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 ......if the other person has made it clear that they're not interested in hearing what I've got to say or if they're starting to get aggressive in a way that's likely to turn nasty. My partner would never lay a finger on me, but he is apt to become verbally aggressive, and nothing I say there and then has any effect whatsoever. In fact it's more likely to rub him up the wrong way and make him even more argumentative... There again, if I resist temptation to enter into a verbal tussle, I will be accused of ignoring him, and being deliberately obstinate.... Fortunately, such arguments are as rare as rocking-horse doo-doos, and he know and acknowledges he has an anger problem. His self-control has improved enormously, and he's making real improvements, to make sure this relationship doesn't end up like the others he had. With him out on his ear....! He has a brilliant and exciting mind (he's studying Law) and loves nothing better than a good discussion to stimulate the brain cells. In fact, he'll often take the 'side' he disagrees with, just to 'play' with the other person, who's usually completely unaware they're getting drawn into an inescapable funnel-web of confusion, and talking themselves into a corner! It's fascinating to watch, and all good humoured.....
Taramere Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 My partner would never lay a finger on me, but he is apt to become verbally aggressive, and nothing I say there and then has any effect whatsoever. In fact it's more likely to rub him up the wrong way and make him even more argumentative... There again, if I resist temptation to enter into a verbal tussle, I will be accused of ignoring him, and being deliberately obstinate.... My father's like that. See what I had to contend with as a child? Icy cold anger from one side, white hot rage from the other! Flooding type rage such as the type you described in your partner can be intimidating, but at least there's a tangible emotion there. As a child I found it easier to deal with my father's anger. I'd scream back at him, then run away - with him in hot pursuit - to lock myself in my room. From there I'd carry on yelling horrible things with him issuing, in return, all manner of threats and verbal abuse from behind the door. Then one of us would say something funny, and the anger would start dissipating - until eventually it was safe for me to unlock the door. Staggeringly functional, I know. I learned around the age of 16 to stop behaving like a fishwife, and I think those childhood experiences are one of the reasons I've been pretty good (professionally at least) in the field of conflict resolution. With the icy treatment, though, there's just this horrile nothingness. I wouldn't even try to joke or cajole someone out of that as that serves no purpose but to make them feel even more elevated. I talked a lot to my mother about that when I was in my teens, and I've pointed out times she does it to my niece (who's an extremely affectionate little girl and gets terribly upset by that kind of thing). I think as she's got older she has started to rethink the icy approach - but old habits die hard. Fortunately, such arguments are as rare as rocking-horse doo-doos, and he know and acknowledges he has an anger problem. His self-control has improved enormously, and he's making real improvements, to make sure this relationship doesn't end up like the others he had. With him out on his ear....! Anger's a really hard thing to manage. Kudos to him for admitting that and taking some responsibility for addressing it. And to you too for, effectively supporting him in that. I'm very relieved to hear that he's never raised a finger to you. He has a brilliant and exciting mind (he's studying Law) and loves nothing better than a good discussion to stimulate the brain cells. In fact, he'll often take the 'side' he disagrees with, just to 'play' with the other person, who's usually completely unaware they're getting drawn into an inescapable funnel-web of confusion, and talking themselves into a corner! It's fascinating to watch, and all good humoured..... That could be part of the reason he has a bit of anger problem. People who enjoy debating and having exploratory discussions get frustrated when others who are uncomfortable with conflict/disagreement try to stifle it. And frustration leads to anger. Hopefully a career in law will give him lots of opportunities to channel the debating instinct.
Geishawhelk Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 Whilst I will look for reasons for his behaviour, in his history and family life, I would never offer them - nor accept them - as excuses. And neither, to his credit, would he. His father was a violent man (still is on rare occasions) and was a submarine commander. He helped design and orchestrate the construction of the first Polaris submarine, so he ran a tight ship, but suffered fools badly.... He was rarely home, but when he was, woe betide anyone who crossed him. His mother died about 10 years ago of raging alcoholism, and his parents split when he was 15, his father gaining outright automatic custody of all 3 kids... have you any idea what an extraordinarily rare thing that was, back in the early 80's...? We are products of our past. But what we do with the experience, and how we channel it in the present, is our choice....
annieo Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 I rarely get silent (I bet my h wishes sometimes I would), but when I have, it's usually because my h has said something so untrue or inflammatory, that I fear my response will be even worse. Plus, I want to give him a little quiet time to let what he has just said echo around his brain for a few minutes.
carhill Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 When I get quiet, the tectonic plates start moving and wifey climbs into her rocket ship
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Every girl i've ever been with, uses the silent treatment and I can't stand it. I feel like Men just get things off their chest, women hold it in OK, you're dating the wrong kind of girl. The other part made me laugh because guys tend to hold it in and women tend to let it out. The silent treatment is the most disrespectful, hurtful thing to do someone as it's TOTALLY intentional, on purpose. My mom used to do it to me and I hated the way she made me feel. I would NEVER do this to anyone and now that I'm older, I wouldn't stand for anyone to do that to me.
JackJack Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 OK, you're dating the wrong kind of girl. The other part made me laugh because guys tend to hold it in and women tend to let it out. The silent treatment is the most disrespectful, hurtful thing to do someone as it's TOTALLY intentional, on purpose. My mom used to do it to me and I hated the way she made me feel. I would NEVER do this to anyone and now that I'm older, I wouldn't stand for anyone to do that to me. I totally agree. Its one thing for somone to go "silent" while trying to think through things, or come up with something to say to get ones head together, but to use it all the time everytime a conflict arises, then they are just wanting to avoid dealing with things. Thats not a relationship.
Geishawhelk Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Used in that way it's a form of control, and it does show a singular lack of ability to either engage constructively with a person (because honestly, they don't know how, and they retreat from it) or it's manipulative. Other very good reasons have been given for not engaging in discussion there and then... but as I used to do with my children, I used to ask them to just let things be at present: either I had to consider the problem at its root, or they'd made me so angry I wouldn't be responding logically.... fortunately, they had the good grace and sense, to take the hint. At other times, it's like tackling a tornado.... best just keep yer head down until the worst of the blast has passed....
Myst Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 And what must your guy do to earn that peace and quiet? Lol. He'd have to do something sleazy like check out another girl while out with me or something he knows that will piss me off.
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