shooks716 Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 I'm trying to understand my cheating boyfriend, and was hoping to get perspective from someone who has cheated. When I started dating my boyfriend a year ago he made it clear that he was miserable in his last relationship and wanted to remain single. He told me he would make a bad boyfriend, describing himself as a "dog that can't help himself" I was fine with this, as we have a great time together. There was no reason to need monogomy at that point. Seven months into our relationship he told me that he wanted me to be my boyfriend... that I was the only one in his life and he wanted to keep it that way. I had been falling in love with him shortly prior. Then He cheated a week later. He told me about it and was honest... asking me to give him another chance. But then he went to New York for a weekend and did it again. I told him how hurtful it was and he agreed that I didn't deserve that treatment. He responded with " I love you. But I can't help it I'm a dog... I told you that. I can't help myself when I'm out I'm sorry. I don't like hurting you and I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't control it." Can I believe that? I want to forgive him but I want his respect. I love him dearly...
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 If you want his respect - Then end it with him and walk away. If you stay, he won't respect you, infact all that will show him is, he can DO whatever he pleases and he'll know you'll take him back with open arms. This guy has already told you he's incapable of being in a one on one relationship. He cheats. He CAN control it, he just doesn't want to. Can we say committment phobe? Because that's what he is.
Trialbyfire Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 shooks, he wants you to be exclusive but wants it wide open for himself. Do you see anything wrong with this?
Author shooks716 Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 I understand that I'm not demanding respect. I'm having a hard time finding the strength to walk away. I don't want to leave him. As I said We have a great time with each other... but his infidelities are hurtful. There really aren't that many good things in my life... he makes me happier than anyone. My life situations make it difficult to just leave. Part of me hopes that if I do, he'll realize how hurtful he is and grow up. But I don't want him out of my life... so I'm afraid. I don't know why I'm so weak with him... he's the first to be more in control (in the relationship) than I am. Usually it's the other way around.
smoothrider Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Sorry shooks but he sounds like my buddy he also went on a trip to ny recently and got it on with 2 chicks and then told his gf as soon as he got back the saucy details. She's still with him. Like him I myself can't help myself so many easy women out there willing to spread their legs just because I can say the right words and treat them like a million dollars *yawn* I'm just trying to unload literally. I have a girl like you I can always depend on she knows I sleep with anything that moves (I always use a rubber unless I know the girls clean like my FWB) and for some reason she still sticks by me. She's kind of a walkover really maybe she doesn't think she'd find someone as hot as me and I guess it works out fine. If your happy with the trophy boyfriend and dont mind him sleeping around then there's no problem. If not get out now. Realise you are just a hole, it's just we give a little more care to girls like you unlike the 1 night holes.
Lookingforward Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Sorry shooks but he sounds like my buddy he also went on a trip to ny recently and got it on with 2 chicks and then told his gf as soon as he got back the saucy details. She's still with him. Like him I myself can't help myself so many easy women out there willing to spread their legs just because I can say the right words and treat them like a million dollars *yawn* I'm just trying to unload literally. I have a girl like you I can always depend on she knows I sleep with anything that moves (I always use a rubber unless I know the girls clean like my FWB) and for some reason she still sticks by me. She's kind of a walkover really maybe she doesn't think she'd find someone as hot as me and I guess it works out fine. If your happy with the trophy boyfriend and dont mind him sleeping around then there's no problem. If not get out now. Realise you are just a hole, it's just we give a little more care to girls like you unlike the 1 night holes. oh brother...can't wait until the what goes around comes around LOL
Author shooks716 Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 looks have nothing to do with why stay with him... He is gorgeous, yes but I've been with hotter men who treat me like gold... there was just no chemistry. What my boyfriend and I have is better than I've ever experienced.. even with the cheating. We have the time of our lives when we go out together. I'm not saying I'm right to put up with it. I struggle with that everyday. Sometimes I feel pathetic. Does forgiveness make me a "walkover"? There are things that I do, that I have a hard time controling. They even affect others at times. If my actions can be forgiven, then isn't it fair to at least try and understand? Although I welcome all feedback, What I'm asking to those that cheat, is if it's possible to love someone and not control the urge to cheat. Can someone like this change his ways? Smoothrider, I appreciate your feedback, but isn't calling women "holes" a little harsh. Every man has feelings whether he wants to admit it or not.
Author shooks716 Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 lookingforward, I totally believe in Kharma. although I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Lookingforward Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 looks have nothing to do with why stay with him... He is gorgeous, yes but I've been with hotter men who treat me like gold... there was just no chemistry. What my boyfriend and I have is better than I've ever experienced.. even with the cheating. We have the time of our lives when we go out together. I'm not saying I'm right to put up with it. I struggle with that everyday. Sometimes I feel pathetic. Does forgiveness make me a "walkover"? There are things that I do, that I have a hard time controling. They even affect others at times. If my actions can be forgiven, then isn't it fair to at least try and understand? Although I welcome all feedback, What I'm asking to those that cheat, is if it's possible to love someone and not control the urge to cheat. Can someone like this change his ways? Smoothrider, I appreciate your feedback, but isn't calling women "holes" a little harsh. Every man has feelings whether he wants to admit it or not. Maybe he doesn't realise to them he's just a 'stick'
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 he makes me happier than anyone. Yet he takes that ALL away when he cheats on you. All the good feelings, all the fun with you have with him is NOT worth the pain you feel when he decides to go off with someone else. If you stay, then you'll lose who you are, let alone ruin your self confidence and self esteem.
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Although I welcome all feedback, What I'm asking to those that cheat, is if it's possible to love someone and not control the urge to cheat. Can someone like this change his ways? Your boyfriend is not ready to be in a long term committed relationship. He may love you and care about you, but he doesn't want to be faithful, which is why his choice in cheating on you comes easily to him. He puts himself first. His needs first. Not you at all. While he is cheating you are not on his mind. If you continue to take him back after he cheats on you, you are TELLING him it's OK to for him to cheat. He knows you'll take him back. You aren't married to this guy, you don't live with him, you don't have children with him. No ties, so ask yourself why you are hanging onto him so tightly.
carhill Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 OP, men compartmentalize. He loves you in his own way, but perhaps is not "in love" with you. He simply does not have you on his mind when he is with other women. I believe it's actually socialized into males as part of a wider range of compartmental skills allowing us to battle and compete in life and still show a tender side to our loved ones. If this man can/is able to engage his elemental emotions in a committed relationship with you, it would be exceedingly more difficult for him to compartmentalize cheating. As it is now, disclosure and contrition work, and men are pragmatic beasts I won't give you any advice about what to do, because, coming from a man, it would have little meaning. I hope you find your truth
cyabye Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Relationship? Love? I don't see it. Right now, you don't even love yourself. If you feel pathetic about the "relationship", there is a reason for that. Trust your feelings and do something about it. cyabye
dazed.1 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 What my boyfriend and I have is better than I've ever experienced.. even with the cheating. Trust me then, you haven't experienced anything yet. There is nothing good about a person cheating on you and disrespecting you the way your bf is doing. Don't you realize you deserve better than that? Why settle for this jerk; he completely disregards your feelings for his own enjoyment. You asked if someone like this would change his ways; well why would he? Right now he has everything he wants: freedom of a single guy to have ONS's with whomever; and you, his loving gf, ready to take him anyway he is. Why would he respect you if you don't respect yourself? Plus, with him out sleeping around, there is such a high probability of catching some STD and passing it on to you! Take care of yourself, physically and emotionally, get out now, you deserve sooo much more. Good luck.
bish Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 what was the respect level when he told you that he is a dog(cheater) and can't help himself?
silktricks Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 looks Does forgiveness make me a "walkover"? . It depends. Does he simply continue to ask you to forgive him without making any changes himself? Does he continue his hurtful his actions? Does he expect you to forgive him? It sounds to me like he does all of those things. In that case, yes, continued forgiveness makes you a "walkover"
mental_traveller Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 He's being honest about himself - he's not monogamous and he never will be. You need to ask whether you are prepared to be with an unfaithful boyfriend (not a good idea, unless you want an open/swinger relationship), or whether it's unacceptable. If you can't live with that, then you have to leave. No he won't change.
soda Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Although I welcome all feedback, What I'm asking to those that cheat, is if it's possible to love someone and not control the urge to cheat. Can someone like this change his ways? . I've never cheated, but I don't see how someone could cheat and truly love the person he or she is cheating on. Cheating is betrayal. How can you love someone and willfully betray him or her?
Virgo1982 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 looks have nothing to do with why stay with him... He is gorgeous, yes but I've been with hotter men who treat me like gold... there was just no chemistry. What my boyfriend and I have is better than I've ever experienced.. even with the cheating. We have the time of our lives when we go out together. I'm not saying I'm right to put up with it. I struggle with that everyday. Sometimes I feel pathetic. Does forgiveness make me a "walkover"? There are things that I do, that I have a hard time controling. They even affect others at times. If my actions can be forgiven, then isn't it fair to at least try and understand? Although I welcome all feedback, What I'm asking to those that cheat, is if it's possible to love someone and not control the urge to cheat. Can someone like this change his ways? Smoothrider, I appreciate your feedback, but isn't calling women "holes" a little harsh. Every man has feelings whether he wants to admit it or not. It's the lack of respect that's the problem.
Spectre Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 To answer your question? No, it isn't possible to cheat on someone you love. Sure, some people who cheat claim they love their partner, but that is just their own sick little twisted definition of love, not actual love. Sorry to break that to you, but yeah.
BeNotAfraid Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 The "I'm a dog" crap is him saying, "I'll pay half of what you're asking; take it or leave it." You just need to decide whether to hand yourself over with a deep, deep discount, and share him (and who knows what else) with all the other discount gals.
norajane Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 It's possible he thinks he loves you, but his version of love doesn't come along with any sense of loyalty or desire to be monogamous. Nor does it come with any guilt for cheating, since he's pretty much absolved himself by telling you all about it each time, nor does it seem as if he has any thought of controlling his actions because he's already told you he's a "dog who can't help it". I think even if he does believe he loves you, he loves himself way more, and his love for you just means he keeps wanting to come back to you after each time he cheats. Thing is, even if you're able to forgive him each time he cheats, one day he's going to leave you for one of those girls he's cheating with. You sure you want to stick around for that?
soserious1 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 This man has done you the ultimate honor, he told you very clearly from the beginning who he is, as time has gone on, he's shown you very clearly who he is and has been quite upfront about it. I will tell you this, you are in a postion that many of us unhappy folks envy, you have very clear knowledge and the facts well BEFORE a wedding, children and co-mingled finances and other messy entanglements. This guy sounds like he does care for you.. he cared enough to level with you from the start, he didn't ply you with pretty lies or play you.He might well be Mr Right.. but he's not ready to be Mr Right.. right now. I'd thank him for being honest, I'd tell him all the lovely qualities about him that you enjoy, how wonderful he makes you feel.. but then I'd tell him that his inability to be faithful is a deal breaker, that he obviously needs more time to mature and to finish sowing his wild oats. I'd break it off with him, tell him that when he's done oat sowing to give you a call, if you're still available, you might see him. Then... you end it, you take his number off your speed dial, you block him from AIM, you go about your life.You give him a solid 6 months to a year to mature.. you don't see him or take his calls till then.
porter218 Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 He is who he is ...you will never be able to change this. I have dated a man like this once before, you are much better off as friends. At least he is being honest enough with you for you to make an informed decision. Let him go but keep him as a close friend, he probably does care about you but doesn't understand how to love someone. When I finally broke up with my "dog" of an ex we became much better friends and there was no longer the stress of having to worry about him cheating.
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