simple_city_girl Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 i have posted once before on this forum. where i shared my feeling that i was always comparing my same age bf (i am 27) with my older MM who is now a close friend. (he's 41). during the entire six months i was dating this guy, i kept looking in him all the qualities which my MM possessed (more maturity, warmth etc) and this has backfired on me, and our relationship didnt work out. so i broke up with my bf 2 weeks ago. and actually i am not feeling any loss. i am still more and more concerned about my equation with MM. but natural it is, these days i have been feeling a bit disturbed, i keep thinking where my life is headed, and if i am gonna ever be happy in a real relationship....you know all those feelings of having somebody special in our lives... and amidst this, i get even more disturbed when MM talks about his wife, his kids and the "perfect" life that he has. i know that his telling me anything related to his family is very normal as we have been sharing such things with each other for long. i also know very well that he is not trying to put me down in any way (especially after my break up) or make me feel sorry for myself about this breakup or make me feel sorry for losing a chance where i too could have had a "perfect" family life. BUT when i chat with MM these days, and he talks about some or the other of his "perfect family stuff", i become very disturbed and sorta jealous too.. basically anything he tells me anymore related to his wife, kids, pets etc just makes me feel more disturbed and worried about myself.. its a really weird feeling i know, hoping that some of you might understand.. i am completely unable to understand why i am feeling like this, and if this whole feeling inside me is trying to tell me something about me and my life? pls show me some light...
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Your friendship with him is doing alot of harm to you. You are green with envy and that's not a good thing, as you know. You're putting yourself in that situation and having to deal with the pain - So, remove yourself so you feel this way anymore. As long as this man is in your life, you'll feel this way. If you want a special someone in your life, say goodbye to him, heal and so you CAN find a man who will make you feel loved, special, and cared for.
Owl Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 You might try telling him exactly how his discussion of his family life makes you feel. He may avoid discussing things with you that make you feel uncomfortable going forward. Otherwise, unfortunately there isn't much you're likely going to be able to do about it. Its kind of 'part and parcel' with the situation you're in.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 If he is just a friend, why do you begrudge him happiness? You sound jealous and envious. Do you want him for yourself? Or since you had your break-up do you just want to be around people who are also unhappy? I think it best for you if you cool off the friendship here. It's not doing you any good. And it might end up doing harm in the end. Do things and talk to friends that make you feel better. Keep busy. Learn to enjoy what you have. GEL
Lizzie60 Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 I know how you feel.. btdt.. With my first ex.. I was miserable for the 11 years I was the OW... I was, like you, envious of his W, the family he had, etc.. (eventhough he was rarely at home, and I knew he didn't love her).. he had the circle of friends (all couples) both families, weekends with them.. etc.. If I had to do it all over again.. I would have dropped him right away... it was hard.. sooo hard.. to never know when I was going to see him.. to cancel all my 'life' in order to 'wait' for him .. and when he had to cancel on the only night we could see each other.. it was devastating.. I was sooo young.. 15... I fell head over heels for this man.. he was 11 years older.. 26... he had one little girl at the time.. I was even envious of her.. It was 11 long miserable years.. for me... My advice: drop him cause I don't see any future for you with him.. I doubt he will leave his wife.. since he seems pretty happy with her. Don't do what I did.. I lost all my 'youth' for this man... He finally moved with me 11 years later.. I was 26 then... and still head over heels for him... I was happy for the first time in my life.. it's a big 'chance' to take.. Don't put your life on 'hold' for any man. After him.. I knew I would never do the same mistake again.. no man will make me miserable EVER again.. that is a promise I made to myself.. and ... so far so good..
NoIDidn't Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 This is part of the problem of being the OW: hearing about the things the MM has with someone else that you probably want for yourself. I bet the poster can probably see herself superimposed over his W and kids enjoying that *happy*ness. Not good. I've been there. You want all the things that he has, but you may never be able to have them with him. I'm with GEL. He's happy in his life. You are his ex-OW, right? It may be time to stop lying to yourself about having a friendship with him when its clear that that is not enough for you and you want more. If you were to go back to being his OW, he would probably never leave because he would think you were okay with his marriage and you being in addition to it, not instead of it.
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Can I ask what you are really getting out of being friends with him? What's the positives? Is he worth this much pain and envy?
Lookingforward Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 i have posted once before on this forum. where i shared my feeling that i was always comparing my same age bf (i am 27) with my older MM who is now a close friend. (he's 41). during the entire six months i was dating this guy, i kept looking in him all the qualities which my MM possessed (more maturity, warmth etc) and this has backfired on me, and our relationship didnt work out. so i broke up with my bf 2 weeks ago. and actually i am not feeling any loss. i am still more and more concerned about my equation with MM. but natural it is, these days i have been feeling a bit disturbed, i keep thinking where my life is headed, and if i am gonna ever be happy in a real relationship....you know all those feelings of having somebody special in our lives... and amidst this, i get even more disturbed when MM talks about his wife, his kids and the "perfect" life that he has. i know that his telling me anything related to his family is very normal as we have been sharing such things with each other for long. i also know very well that he is not trying to put me down in any way (especially after my break up) or make me feel sorry for myself about this breakup or make me feel sorry for losing a chance where i too could have had a "perfect" family life. BUT when i chat with MM these days, and he talks about some or the other of his "perfect family stuff", i become very disturbed and sorta jealous too.. basically anything he tells me anymore related to his wife, kids, pets etc just makes me feel more disturbed and worried about myself.. its a really weird feeling i know, hoping that some of you might understand.. i am completely unable to understand why i am feeling like this, and if this whole feeling inside me is trying to tell me something about me and my life? pls show me some light... if you want what HE has...go and find it for yourself...why just hang on the edges of HIS life hearing about it ?
White Flower Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 i have posted once before on this forum. where i shared my feeling that i was always comparing my same age bf (i am 27) with my older MM who is now a close friend. (he's 41). during the entire six months i was dating this guy, i kept looking in him all the qualities which my MM possessed (more maturity, warmth etc) and this has backfired on me, and our relationship didnt work out. so i broke up with my bf 2 weeks ago. and actually i am not feeling any loss. i am still more and more concerned about my equation with MM. but natural it is, these days i have been feeling a bit disturbed, i keep thinking where my life is headed, and if i am gonna ever be happy in a real relationship....you know all those feelings of having somebody special in our lives... and amidst this, i get even more disturbed when MM talks about his wife, his kids and the "perfect" life that he has. i know that his telling me anything related to his family is very normal as we have been sharing such things with each other for long. i also know very well that he is not trying to put me down in any way (especially after my break up) or make me feel sorry for myself about this breakup or make me feel sorry for losing a chance where i too could have had a "perfect" family life. BUT when i chat with MM these days, and he talks about some or the other of his "perfect family stuff", i become very disturbed and sorta jealous too.. basically anything he tells me anymore related to his wife, kids, pets etc just makes me feel more disturbed and worried about myself.. its a really weird feeling i know, hoping that some of you might understand.. i am completely unable to understand why i am feeling like this, and if this whole feeling inside me is trying to tell me something about me and my life? pls show me some light... Hey SCG, I disagree. He IS trying to make you feel like you have nothing and he has everything. He needs to paint a picture of the perfect happy life in order to make you wish you had it. He is lining you up as a replacement and needs you to believe his world is the best so that you'll stick around in the event his wife dies. Sorry, but that is the way I see it now. If you leave him, he will have to begin grooming another woman and that takes time and effort. Why go through that when he can have you? He wants you to stand in his line. So many times I went through listening to how fun, perfect, and happy their life was while I wondered how I was going to feed my children because my STBexH decided not to pay for child support. Those were moments I really didn't feel like standing in line anymore. You can always find another 40 something year old who is ready to give you the same kind of love only on a committed level. Sign up for a free dating website--they're everywhere! (Singles and 40ish I mean).
White Flower Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 This is part of the problem of being the OW: hearing about the things the MM has with someone else that you probably want for yourself. I bet the poster can probably see herself superimposed over his W and kids enjoying that *happy*ness. Not good. I've been there. You want all the things that he has, but you may never be able to have them with him. I'm with GEL. He's happy in his life. You are his ex-OW, right? It may be time to stop lying to yourself about having a friendship with him when its clear that that is not enough for you and you want more. If you were to go back to being his OW, he would probably never leave because he would think you were okay with his marriage and you being in addition to it, not instead of it. I think this is the kind of man who is happy with his life, but needs the OW to make his marriage happier. BTDT. When you break up, he starts throwing things around the house and that's not good for her. When you're with him, his life is perfect and you're sitting alone on the weekends. Not good for you.
NatoPMT Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 i have posted once before on this forum. where i shared my feeling that i was always comparing my same age bf (i am 27) with my older MM who is now a close friend. (he's 41). during the entire six months i was dating this guy, i kept looking in him all the qualities which my MM possessed (more maturity, warmth etc) and this has backfired on me, and our relationship didnt work out. so i broke up with my bf 2 weeks ago. and actually i am not feeling any loss. i am still more and more concerned about my equation with MM. but natural it is, these days i have been feeling a bit disturbed, i keep thinking where my life is headed, and if i am gonna ever be happy in a real relationship....you know all those feelings of having somebody special in our lives... and amidst this, i get even more disturbed when MM talks about his wife, his kids and the "perfect" life that he has. i know that his telling me anything related to his family is very normal as we have been sharing such things with each other for long. i also know very well that he is not trying to put me down in any way (especially after my break up) or make me feel sorry for myself about this breakup or make me feel sorry for losing a chance where i too could have had a "perfect" family life. BUT when i chat with MM these days, and he talks about some or the other of his "perfect family stuff", i become very disturbed and sorta jealous too.. basically anything he tells me anymore related to his wife, kids, pets etc just makes me feel more disturbed and worried about myself.. its a really weird feeling i know, hoping that some of you might understand.. i am completely unable to understand why i am feeling like this, and if this whole feeling inside me is trying to tell me something about me and my life? pls show me some light... i think he's skewing what he has, and your chasing after the fantasy hes created. He really cant be that happy with his family life if he needed an affair. Hes hamming it up to convince himself, or prove that he is happy - hes not fooling me with that twaddle and dont let him fool you either. i wasnt sure from your post, but it sounds like you arent seeing MM anymore? i really think that being in touch is keeping you in a place where you (i assume without reading your past posts) werent feeling good about yourself - you have these associations with him of whatever you felt when you were together, and those negative associations are being poked and aggravated by this contact dont put yourself through this, allow yourself space from him. You will keep wondering why youre not happy and he is and his life is no reflection on yours, and his apparent happiness shouldnt stop you achieving yours if it doesnt feel right, then you have to change what youre doing, and if its making you feel weird, its up to you to change whats not good for you. Go NC, wish him luck and find yours
pelicanpreacher Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 if you want what HE has...go and find it for yourself...why just hang on the edges of HIS life hearing about it ? The quote of the century!
Angel1111 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 I think everyone else has already said it but, seriously, you will end up wasting your entire youth on this man and then it will be too late to reverse your steps and get those years back. Please don't do that to yourself. You are in the prime of your life. It's understandable that you would feel envious of the things he talks about but, really, his life can't be that perfect if he's seeing you, or is involved with you emotionally. That aside, don't take that to mean that he'll someday see the light and end up with you. As the other poster said, that is a HUGE gamble and not a smart move at all. What I am saying is that you're glamourizing what he has and you're not seeing any of the negative stuff, which I'm sure there's plenty of. This is where women make their worst decisions that have long-term repercussions - stop letting your emotions run your life. Emotions are definitely nice and they have their place. But, don't let them control what you do in this situation. And don't believe that just because YOU feel a certain way, that life will somehow make it right. It doesn't work that way. Let your emotions play themselves out but ignore them when it comes to making decisions about your life.
Curmudgeon Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 am i jealous of my MM's happy family status? As a family man, I certainly hope you are! You should be and should try to find someone available to achieve that status with yourself. Think about it. If he has a 'happy family status" with the way things are now, if he openly sets up "shop" with you he'll lose it all. Is that what you want for him?
Author simple_city_girl Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 Can I ask what you are really getting out of being friends with him? What's the positives? Is he worth this much pain and envy? thanks all for replying. i will tell my story in more detail I am friends with MM for over 3 years now. i met him when i was 24 and when i had just broken up with a guy with whom i was for 5 years. i was very vulnerable and thats when MM gave me the support i needed. we became really good friends over time, last 2 years has been the highest in this friendship. I share everything with him, about life, work and things that i love and hate. he's very caring and concerned all the time about me. he's cares about little little things and is very respecting. when i had another bf for 6 months, i discussed everything with MM and he would guide me when i needed some. but my problem was that i used to keep comparing my bf with MM, everything seemed good coz he also cared for me a lot. but i always looked for qualities in this guy which MM had, the relationship didnt work out bcoz all the time i felt that he wasnt so matured and warm like my MM (who is in 40s), though i am smart, intelligent and quite nice looking (tall and slim) working girl. i have always been a loner. ever since school and college, coz i can hardly trust people. so i have never had so many friends in my life. and this friendship with MM something i cherish at the moment. but i dont understand why i have been undergoing this strange feeling since many days...... is something NOT right?
GPFan Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 but i dont understand why i have been undergoing this strange feeling since many days...... is something NOT right?You have reached the phase in your own life where this is attractive to you. Problem is you can't achieve it with your MM friend but what you can do is note the qualities you believe contribute to this wonderful life and look for the same budding attributes in men you date. You shouldn't have to go too much older than you are now as some men in your age group are wishing for the same. A man closer to your age would have similar tastes in music, art and similar understanding of cultural trends which may lead to a better fit. Take your knowledge and learning and use it to carve out a wonderful life for yourself. Take care.
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