I know he cares about me... but he won't stop cheating

July 18, 2008

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. About three months in he told me that he loved spending time with me... but he's a dog and would be bad boyfriend material. He is 25 and has only had one steady girlfriend (of 2 years). From what I understand it was a horrible experience and he was miserable for a good year of it.

Six months later he actually asked me to be his girlfriend.... he said I was the only one he wanted to be with. There are a million different ways I can tell that he truely cares. Around this time I really started to fall for him.

One week later in conversation he said.. yeah.. of course your my girlfriend. But I don't play by the rules.. you know me. I'm a dog I can't help myself." The next day he called me and I could tell by his tone that he had slept with another woman and felt bad.

He is always honest when I confront him... he admitted to it and asked me to give him another chance. I did.

two months later he confesses his love for me. He is more affectionate and spends more time with me than he ever has. (almost every day) He asks to move in together.

two weeks later he goes to new york telling me "he's on vacation and it's best that we give each other space and not talk" he didn't sleep with anyone... but he did fool around, i'm sure it was the girls choice.

I confronted him yesterday... telling him what he's doing is hurtful and I deserve better. He agreed but told me I knew he was a dog going in... and as much as he loves me, "can't help himself" when I'm not around. He told me he doesn't like hurting me... and doesn't want to but he can't promise that he'll stop. "I don't like it. I know I'm a bad person but I can't help myself" he says.

We are completely opposite. Usually it works to our advantage but it makes it very difficult to put myself in his shoes. In my mind his actions prove that he doesn't love me. But I am not him.

I can't imagine life without him... I've never felt as in love with anyone like him. But I feel like forgiving him is condoning cheating. And it's disrespectful to myself.

I don't know what to do.

July 18, 2008

sorry shooks but its a no brainer.

by being honest, it makes it feel acceptable as the honesty is a way of your attachment to him overriding his disgusting behaviour - no matter how is packaged, its still disgusting

this will erode your esteem, erode your boundaries and youre teaching that its acceptable for you to stay in a bad relationship, and that men cheat - this could damage your future relationships cos i dont think this one is capable of lasting

sorry pet

July 18, 2008

I can't imagine life without him... I've never felt as in love with anyone like him. But I feel like forgiving him is condoning cheating. And it's disrespectful to myself.

I don't know what to do.

if his behaviour doesn't warrant this love you feel, then its not a love that will bring you what mutual love should bring you, and your emotional intelligence has started to overcome that love, no matter how much it hurts to end this, you'll save yourself future hurt, you should love yourself more than anyone who doesnt deserve it

July 18, 2008

I don't know what to do.

Ask if he will see an individual therapist to help him overcome his self-sabotaging behaviour.

If he does not take the necessary steps to properly and fully get over his fears and anxieties about love relationships, you are (both) facing a recurring pattern. The "unfaithfulness" may morph into a damaging 'relationship' with alcohol or online gaming, for example, but the dynamic will stay in place.

July 18, 2008

This is such a no-brainer, it's not even funny.

Why do you subject yourself to this behavior? It's such

disrespectful behavior on his part. Cheating people only care about themselves. If he really cared about you and respected your wishes,

He wouldn't do it. Simple as that.

That whole "I'm a dog, i can't help it" excuse is such B*ll Sh*t

It's not that hard to control yourself seriously, come on what is

this High School? the dude is 25 years old, I assure you, he won't

ever change. Do you want that kinda man in your life?

Don't say "Well, you'd have to really know him" or "You don't

know the beautiful things he's said to me in private"...It don't matter.

He's already claimed to be a dog, you can't change a person. So what

are you doing with this guy? If you try and leave him, he'll whine about

it i'm sure, he'll cry or he'll tell you he loves you, he'll never do it again,

but the point is that he HAS done it and he WILL do it again.

you've already told him that what he's doing is HURTFUL and that you

DESERVE BETTER, and he wants to come off with "Well you knew i was

a dog from the beginning...This dude has some nerve.

July 18, 2008

This is such a no-brainer, it's not even funny.

Why do you subject yourself to this behavior? It's such
disrespectful behavior on his part. Cheating people only care about themselves. If he really cared about you and respected your wishes,
He wouldn't do it. Simple as that.

That whole "I'm a dog, i can't help it" excuse is such B*ll Sh*t
It's not that hard to control yourself seriously, come on what is
this High School? the dude is 25 years old, I assure you, he won't
ever change. Do you want that kinda man in your life?

Don't say "Well, you'd have to really know him" or "You don't
know the beautiful things he's said to me in private"...It don't matter.

He's already claimed to be a dog, you can't change a person. So what
are you doing with this guy? If you try and leave him, he'll whine about
it i'm sure, he'll cry or he'll tell you he loves you, he'll never do it again,
but the point is that he HAS done it and he WILL do it again.

you've already told him that what he's doing is HURTFUL and that you
DESERVE BETTER, and he wants to come off with "Well you knew i was
a dog from the beginning...This dude has some nerve.

Thank you! You have indeed saved my time responding to this thread.

July 18, 2008

I honestly don't know why I put up with the behavior. I know it's nieve but I thought that if I loved him or cared about him enough that he would want to show me the same in return. I feel so pathetic about it sometimes but for some reason I just can't find the strength to face life without him. We have a great time together.

July 19, 2008

In my mind his actions prove that he doesn't love me. But I am not him.

I can't imagine life without him... I've never felt as in love with anyone like him. But I feel like forgiving him is condoning cheating. And it's disrespectful to myself.

I don't know what to do.

The first words that came to my mind when I read your post was, "You've GOT to be kidding!" and then I realized that you weren't. As someone else said, this is a no-brainer.

It always amazes me the importance women put on love. So if he loves you, it's ok for him to continually cheat. And if he doesn't, it's not ok? If he really, really loves you, he'll wake up one day and suddenly stop cheating, I suppose. And then the other factor that comes into play is that YOU love him, and that also makes the decision even more complicated. But it's not complicated at all. Believe what this guy tells you - that he's a dog and doesn't deserve you. At least he has a teeny shread of self-awareness, I'll give him that.

Honestly, girlfriend, you can't possibly believe you should stay with this guy. This dance that the two of you are doing together is very sad.

Something else I thought about when reading your post was to wonder what your loving bf tells his friends about you and how he gets away with cheating. Here's how I think the conversation probably goes, "Yeah, I got her right where I want her. I can f--- around all I want, act all apologetic about it, tell her I'm no good and that I love her, and she falls for it. And if I can't get it anywhere else, I know she's always there and can't wait to show me how great she is in the sack so that I won't stray again. Then I come up with this crap about needing my space and that really gets her. I tell ya, man, it's the perfect set up."

This is probably very close to the truth and I think you would fall over dead if you knew what his true thoughts were about you. I say this because I hope it pisses you off enough to wake up to this dream world that you seem to be in. It makes no difference if he loves you or not. This is like those math problems they gave us in school where several elements were thrown in and some of them had to be discarded because they had nothing to do with the problem. Same thing here, love doesn't fit into this equation when trying to solve the problem. Set that aside and the answer will become a lot clearer.

July 19, 2008

Read your 1st post again.

This guy told you basically from day one that he was a dog and a bad boy. His behaviour shows you this as well.

July 19, 2008

whichway beat me to it. Shook, read your first post again. Keep reading it again and again until it hits you strait in the face. You picked a pretty scummy boyfriend. Its honestly not that hard what you need to do next. Send him an email saying you are through, that you dont love him anymore. Call your cell phone provider and block his number. Honestly, he doesnt deserve better. Dont talk to him ever again, in time your feelings for him will disappear, except perhaps those of disgust for him.

July 19, 2008

I honestly don't know why I put up with the behavior. I know it's nieve but I thought that if I loved him or cared about him enough that he would want to show me the same in return. I feel so pathetic about it sometimes but for some reason I just can't find the strength to face life without him. We have a great time together.

This guy is a Master at the power play. He may as well have said: Get this, you are the puppet and I am the puppeteer. I will do as I please and you will do what I want.

He is probably very, very good at reading people and had you pegged from day one.

Step back from this relationship for a while. Tell him you want to be friends so he can do what he pleases without worrying about hurting you. Be very observant and discerning of his response to your proclamation. It will be very enlightening.

July 19, 2008

I honestly don't know why I put up with the behavior. I know it's nieve but I thought that if I loved him or cared about him enough that he would want to show me the same in return. I feel so pathetic about it sometimes but for some reason I just can't find the strength to face life without him. We have a great time together.

the person to love is the one who reciprocates your love, not someone you hope will do that for you - hes proven he cant. the writing was on the wall from day one, you made the mistake of hoping that you could change him, now you know you cant, you might feel that your mistake is not as important as your love for him

you make the painful decision to leave, or im afraid your only other option is being hurt over and over again - you have pain either way, but dealing with this now is the less painful option - you have to be emotionally healthy about this. You made a choice to fall in love, so you can also make the choice to fall out of love.

having a great time together just isnt enough. you have to have mutual and compatible values. your values are very far apart

it will take a lot more strength to stay with him in the long run than to leave - youre condemning yourself to a miserable life if you stay with him

find that strength or face betrayal after betrayal after betrayal.

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I know he cares about me... but he won't stop cheating

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