Angel1111 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 No he doesn't hit me. But what he does do is he gets right in my face, yells, turns deep red and hits the side of his head with his fists. It's very intimidating. quote] This act of hitting himself in the head is actually what is known as 'implied violence' and that's why it intimidates you. It's the same thing as when a person throws an object - but not at you. You weren't actually struck but the implication hangs in the air like a dark cloud. Your subconscious immediately perceives a threat and starts gearing up your stress level and defense mechanisms. I can promise you that this relationship will become physical if you stay long enough. As far as him doing hard drugs, that's really a total deal-breaker, along with all the other crap he pulls. I always use this analogy with my friends when they're in turmoil about some guy. They'll say, 'well, he's so wonderful about this and that but it's just that one thing...he cheats, or he's got a nasty temper, or he calls me names....' My answer to that is that it's like saying, 'he's a wonderful person, warm and sweet and is great with his kids - and, oh yeah, he's also an axe murderer.' Meaning, ignoring the deal-breakers is like saying that well he's really great but he's got this one thing he does....he chops people's heads off with an axe. The absolute worst time ever with my ex was when both my parents became ill at the same time and they were in two different hospitals. My sisters and I, and their husbands all spents hours going back and forth between the hospitals, needless to say. My H was a complete ass to me during that time - yelling, arguing, etc. because, as he told a friend, he didn't like not having my attention. Yes, you read that right. My parents died within 8 days of one another. I left my H 3 mos after that. He was a monster during the most painful time of my life. Just remember, it's all about them, no matter what's going on. When I used the word 'nightmare' in a previous post, I was not being overly dramatic. I was actually understating the situation.
NatoPMT Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 i agree that nothing at all (or nothing that a non abusive mind can fathom) can set things off. i was walking home one evening with my ex, when he suddenly blurted out my friends werent real friends, when i said 'yes they are', he said 'climb that tree', and when i laughed he headbutted me. It came from nowhere he was stupid though, that was the first time he hit me, there was none of this build up that gradually pushed boundaries with each incident, and once a boundary is pushed, and you stay, then the next boundary pushed is further along the scale of abuse he made it clear that I shouldn't do any drug, because I'm a woman. aside from the obvious absurdity of this remark on so many levels, this makes me wonder what he's trying to stop you doing that he does when he's on drugs. im not sure what to make of that - is it another form of control? what really concerns me about him is that he seems to know how far he can push things - even though youre questioning it, you arent making any decisions. He might or not might turn physical, but the odds are on the former - and it might happen when you get pregnant for eg, or once he knows the boundaries have trapped you and he sees you as being unable to escape. youre in a dangerous position mega, i seriously seriously urge you to consciously make the decision to end this. You were making a conscious decision on how to improve things, but that just illustrates further his control over you as if he had no control, youd be less likely to entertain this situation youre in. the further you are into this, the harder it is to leave, so the present is always the best time to end abuse there actually is nothing to stop you, any excuses you can create arent ever as important as your physical and emotional well being. If your only friend was a crocodile who kept trying to eat you, would you try to befriend the crocodile?
NatoPMT Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 This act of hitting himself in the head is actually what is known as 'implied violence' and that's why it intimidates you. It's the same thing as when a person throws an object - but not at you. You weren't actually struck but the implication hangs in the air like a dark cloud. thank you for that information angel and i think your axe murderer analogy is very similar to my crocodile one
Angel1111 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 i think your axe murderer analogy is very similar to my crocodile one I know. I laughed when I read that. Good one!
woods321 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Mega, Now that you explained more, it makes more sense. However, he is a coke head. He is not a regular man . So when you describe the situation, I have a hard time believing a normal man just goes off for no reason. Thats why i kept asking what you did. If you wanted better advice, you should have included that in your first post. So, you are in a relationship with an abusive drug addict and want to fix the situation? There is no fixing it. But a better question is why are you in that situation? What is it about you that leads you to wanting to stay with someone like that Often times, the only time I hear women speak of "Love" is when they are saying "But I love him". They give this reply when people ask why on Earth they are with a horrible abusive man, or drug addict. I don't understand women like that. Just end it. Often times women can be SO picky, then they end up with the worst type of man possible, and WANT to stay with him.
Author megapositive Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 Angel and BigBelm: I'm really appreciating all that you're telling me. I have never heard of "implied violence," and it certainly makes sense. BigBelm, how you explained the pushing along the scale of boundaries hit home. I can look back and see how that has happened. And while I'm grateful for all of your knowledgable advice, I'm sorry it had to come from both of your dreadful personal experiences. Woods: I didn't think to include his drug use. I don't know why. I guess because I don't see him use drugs and we usually spend almost every day together. When he originally told me about his using them on 2 or 3 camping trips a year I just thought of it as a thing he and these certain buddies of his do together, because they have for years, blowing off steam... no big thing to judge anyone about. Occasional recreational drug use is different than drug ABUSE. But recently he's mentioned how he's done a little here and there when he's alone on the weekends, working in his shop. NOW I'm seeing his mentioning it to me as a test, to see, as BigBelm explained, how far he can push that boundary with me. I reacted by asking him why he did that... he said because it made him feel good, etc. He said something about since he's quit smoking he needs something to get high on (he smoked for 20 years and quit a few months ago). I didn't say much else. I thought he was using up the last of what he had left from his last camping trip. But that was too long ago, he couldn't have THAT much left, he must be getting more. Is he a drug addict? I don't think so, but I guess he abuses it? Is he abusive toward me? It's as if I actually FORGET how he treats me, how it feels, even right now as I write this. I just know I often feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him. And of course you're right, I have to examine what it is that's going on with me that I've allowed myself to become so involved with this man.
Angel1111 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Mega, Now that you explained more, it makes more sense. However, he is a coke head. He is not a regular man . So when you describe the situation, I have a hard time believing a normal man just goes off for no reason. Thats why i kept asking what you did. If you wanted better advice, you should have included that in your first post. So, you are in a relationship with an abusive drug addict and want to fix the situation? There is no fixing it. But a better question is why are you in that situation? What is it about you that leads you to wanting to stay with someone like that Often times, the only time I hear women speak of "Love" is when they are saying "But I love him". They give this reply when people ask why on Earth they are with a horrible abusive man, or drug addict. I don't understand women like that. Just end it. Often times women can be SO picky, then they end up with the worst type of man possible, and WANT to stay with him. I think I can explain your 'why' question. These guys are nice and charming in the beginning, like most people are when they're first dating. They keep their ugly side hidden until he's pretty certain the woman is hooked. Then when the abusive behavior starts to come out, they do it very slowly at first, kinda like boiling a frog. The frog never knows what hit him until he's dinner. There will be little signs here and there and you blow them off, thinking he's having a bad day. And before you know it, you find yourself posting on internet boards for a sanity check.
Author megapositive Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 I think I can explain your 'why' question. These guys are nice and charming in the beginning, like most people are when they're first dating. They keep their ugly side hidden until he's pretty certain the woman is hooked. Then when the abusive behavior starts to come out, they do it very slowly at first, kinda like boiling a frog. The frog never knows what hit him until he's dinner. There will be little signs here and there and you blow them off, thinking he's having a bad day. And before you know it, you find yourself posting on internet boards for a sanity check. Hahaha you're so totally RIGHT!!! That's so funny, thanks for making me break into a smile Angel!
sweet_tea12 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 You do not deserve that. You may have heard this a million time, and as much as it breaks my heart to say this, there's no cure out there for selfish cruel people. You'll be better finding out for yourself. I'd suggest checking out some books on narcissistic personality disorder and co-dependency as some reading guides. And *hugs* we're all with you here hun.
Angel1111 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Occasional recreational drug use is different than drug ABUSE. But recently he's mentioned how he's done a little here and there when he's alone on the weekends, working in his shop. As far as the hard drugs are concerned, I don't think there is any such thing as casual use of them. They will hook you fast...and they're extremely hard to unhook from. That's why it's a deal-breaker. My guess is he knows this and has been lying to you for a long time about it. Guys like him are the worst abusers of drugs because they continually pursue that 'feel good' feeling. They are miserable in their own skins and have to do things to take the edge off of themselves. They're also usually very high strung and that's another reason they turn to alcohol, cigs, drugs, pills, whatever. Walking on eggshells is the phrase I used all the time when I was with my ex. If you decide to end it with this guy (and I hope you do soon), then make sure you have all your ducks in a row first. If he has a key to your place, steal it back or get your locks changed. Get all your things (if possible) from his place if you have anything. And be prepared for his sad little phone calls at 2am about how much loves you, how miserable he is, etc. He is going to hammer you hard with this stuff in order to get you back. You must be prepared for it. If it means changing your phone number, then do that. I know you probably have strong feelings for him and that is going to be the hard part for you. You're going to have to separate those feelings from what is best for you. And his reaction to you leaving will pull at you in a huge way. You don't have to hate him, but you must remind yourself that he is perfectly willing to make your life miserable - and he will do it. Just accept that it's going to hurt like hell to walk away and then you'll be ready for the onslaught of emotions. Just thank your lucky stars that you're not married to this man and that you don't have kids by him. Your life would be so different right now.
Angel1111 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Hahaha you're so totally RIGHT!!! That's so funny, thanks for making me break into a smile Angel! I thought you might appreciate that.
woods321 Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 I mention the drugs as being important because I had a close friend who went through that, and I saw how he treated his girlfriend. Those people can be very manipulative. My guess is you have no idea how often he is using. I say that because my friend lived with his girlfriend, and she had no clue that he was using cocaine very often. He also became very abusive, short tempered, and angry all the time, etc. i would just get away from him if i were you.
Author megapositive Posted July 20, 2008 Author Posted July 20, 2008 If you decide to end it with this guy (and I hope you do soon), then make sure you have all your ducks in a row first... And be prepared for his sad little phone calls at 2am about how much loves you, how miserable he is, etc. He is going to hammer you hard with this stuff in order to get you back. You must be prepared for it. If it means changing your phone number, then do that. ....You don't have to hate him, but you must remind yourself that he is perfectly willing to make your life miserable - and he will do it. Just accept that it's going to hurt like hell to walk away and then you'll be ready for the onslaught of emotions. Just thank your lucky stars that you're not married to this man and that you don't have kids by him. Your life would be so different right now. I'm not so sure he'd try to get me back since he is the "FU I don't need you anyway" type and can't stand being rejected or even slighted. However, your mention of his willingness to make my life miserable reminds me of his focus on retribution. He's mentioned that if someone (and he's talking about specific, real situations in his life, not just hypothetically) dares to screw him over in this or that way, he will get retribution... the person will be hurt, the person's property will be damaged, they will suffer, etc etc. During the initial conversation I kind of laughed and said I've never actually heard anyone speak of gaining retribution, except maybe in a movie or something. He didn't laugh it off or think it was funny. That has always stuck with me, his focus on retribution. I'm not sure I'd qualify as someone significant enough in his life to deserve retribution, especially since his ego would be so bruised and he'd have to soothe himself immediately with all the things wrong with me and why I'm not good enough for him anyway. But what you said made me think about this anyway.
Author megapositive Posted July 20, 2008 Author Posted July 20, 2008 I mention the drugs as being important because I had a close friend who went through that, and I saw how he treated his girlfriend. Those people can be very manipulative. My guess is you have no idea how often he is using. I say that because my friend lived with his girlfriend, and she had no clue that he was using cocaine very often. He also became very abusive, short tempered, and angry all the time, etc. i would just get away from him if i were you. I guess it'd be stupid of me not to see that you're right, and as you and Angel both point out, he probably has been using much more than I have a clue about.
Mahatma Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 it depends how long the "while" is. Generally though, if this is how he acts naturally, then thats what hes always going to want to act like. If he tries to stop or cover it up, hes only hiding the fact that he somewhat disrespects you. It will be especially hard to turn it around and even if you do, he'll still have the thoughts, he just won't say or do them anymore. If you happen to think that is ok, then go ahead and try.
Author megapositive Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 Thanks for the information, advise and support. It's helping me examine my relationship, giving me some perspective. I realize it may be so obvious to you out there how bad it is; all I can say is I've been going along very happily, noticing a thing or 2 here and there mixed in with the good, then suddenly things escalated in the bad direction in the last couple months, making me go "wait, what is going on?" Sounds lame, but it's true.
Geishawhelk Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 The problem is, we can't see what kind of life others lead, so we have a tendency to settle into a rut and think that things are normal, because this is what we learn to live with. To us, the kind of lives we lead are our status quo. It's only when we mention details to others, that they are apt to come back with "WTF - ?" And when they come back with that, and different PoVs, opinions and insights, it's only then, that we start thinking... "er, hang on....." It's a wake-up call... It's a signal that maybe all is not as well as it might be in our world. That's the easy bit. The tough bit, is what to do about it, and then, do it......
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