White Flower Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 She brought the phone to me and asked me to look at it. Then she asked what she should do. I think ignoring him is the best. He won't quit trying to reach her and I would say she is vulnerable right now so if he does get through to her she would probably talk to him. He is very snake like so he will keep trying. Maybe I should fly to Texas and take him out for a bite to eat. Why shouldn't I just call him and say look....I have read all your letters and I know what you are up to so how about calling it quits. Or I will publish all your letters in a nice little book for your family to read so they can see what a pervert they have for a family member who is in love with his married 2nd cousin. He said in one of his letters he would hate for anybody to read them but her. I think that would work. Especially the whole second cousin thing. Good for you.
Author Planofool Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 I told him last year when I did talk to him that if he wanted to ruin a marriage, and break up a family with 3 kids involved that he should keep calling. But if he didn't want that to happen he needed to leave her alone. He said all the usual stuff about me blowing things out of proportion and that they were just friends blah blah blah. His relative wrote a book about their familys and mentioned kissing cousins and he said in one of his letters to my W years ago that they had no idea how true it was. Sick huh? He won't stop unless I put an end to it.
Owl Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 The put a stop to it WITH YOUR WIFE. It needs to come from both of you. If you do it on your own, he'll claim you were just being a jerk and not considering what SHE wants. The two of you...TOGETHER...need to send him a letter or an email that clearly spells out he's not welcome to contact her again.
Author Planofool Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 Update, nothing has been said about the text and to the best of my snooping he hasn't tried to contact her again. The only effect I noticed is that it put her in a really crazy bad mood for a couple of days and the kids and I were the brunt of her anger. So she or we have not contacted him to stop nor has it been discussed further. Should I just let it die?
Owl Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 NO. A clear boundary has to be set here. You let her have a few days to sort through her emotions over the whole thing...and that's ok. But you NEED to get this RESOLVED. Tell her how you feel about the whole thing...and tell her what you NEED to happen here. Explain to her how it'll benefit you, and your marriage. Make it clear that this is a NEED...not a want. Seriously...this is a prime time to draw a hardcore boundary, and to get him OUT of your lives permanently. Don't go conflict avoider and let this go on. Make sense?
Author Planofool Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 I have spent my whole life being a "conflict avoider" and I will probably do it now. Since you have brought it up .........that may be a great explanation of my marriage. I have let her get away with alot simply to avoid conflict.
Owl Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 If you change nothing...nothing will change. I'd tell you that if you're not willing to fight for this...you can't expect HER to fight for it either.
White Flower Posted July 26, 2008 Posted July 26, 2008 I agree with Owl. I wish I were married to someone like Owl, actually, because I would know that problems would get resolved and we could move on from there. Believe it or not, your wife WANTS you to take control of this situation and to show you that you have standards for yourself and your marriage. She wants to see your strength, yet be gentle about it. I'm sure you can muster the gentle part. Don't let her walk on you. She will respect you for standing up for yourself and your marriage. A woman feels more loved when her husband demands that the marriage be in order and respected. She may not act like it at first, but in the end you'll see what I mean. Good luck.
Author Planofool Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 Thank you guys for your advice. Let me explain what happened this weekend and you can tell me if this is a case that I need to step in and say something. We have a camp at a state owned lake. Our camp is in a resort that has an association with a full time manager. We have gotten to know the manager through buying camps and selling over the years. This man is not attractive, he smokes, drinks and is over weight but has a great sense of humor and seems to be very intelligent. He is just not what you would suspect your wife to fool around with. My wife loves to joke with him and makes it a point to see him every weekend we are there. This weekend was no exception. We got there Thursday night and had all day Friday with the camp to ourselves. Most of our friends don't show up until Friday night or Saturday. Off and on Friday she and I would run into him and talk in passing. Then she took our daughter to the pool and when she came back she said she had stopped by his office and he was not in so she left him a message on his message board. She then jumped in our golf cart and I said where are you going and she said up to see if he was back. She came back 20 minutes later and said he had told her about the stray dog he had and she went and looked at it and told him what breed she thought it was and so on. Now this is all very innocent but it is also a clear case of her getting her male attention fix. The rest of the weekend between our friends she gets to talk to other men and get their attention. It is always conversation with men but it is so obvious to me what she is doing. Last year after the EA I pointed out her need for male attention and she stopped seeking it. But she is back to her old ways. I know there is not another married woman in our whole campground that messes with the manager the way my wife does. I am a little confused as how to handle it. She will laugh at me if I bring it up. I am not threatened by him but it seems she enjoys the sparring with him and the attention she gets from it. There are 750 lots in our campground but everybody knows everybodys business. Gossip flies rampant and my wife is probably going to be at the top of the list if she keeps joking and making attempts at seeing him. Again he is not attractive physically but mentaly he is on her level and they kid each other alot. He doesn't try and hide it nor does she. Any thoughts?
theobserver Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I don't know how you can stand wanting to brush off guys away from her for the rest of your life and the humiliation you're having to possibly go through again. If you can see what she's doing then so can others I see women like this at some gatherings with my wife and we equally feel sorry for the husband. Agreed you can't keep telling her to stay away since she technically hasn't done anything which I'm sure would be her argument. All you can really do is explain this is making you really uncomfortable can she please be aware of her behaviour and be aware of the consequences if she is not taking your concerns at this threat to the relationship seriously. Just throwing this out there can you not break routine how about not going camping those specific dates and take her somewhere new and exciting for both of you on a more 1 on 1 weekend. I keep getting the feeling she loves you but you don't stimulate her, she might of stopped her ways briefly last year but clearly you weren't enough to be the main focus of attention (I didn't say all we all need side attention). Also this goes for all men out there stop putting down look wise other men/women. I always here posts like "he's ugly, fat bad manners" "she's ugly, extremely overweight " bla bla the fact is that doesn't mean ****. It doesn't mean under the right circumstances such as shared interest, a strong bond that your partner wouldn't cross the line with someone. Most affairs happen with the people you though they would do nothing with. Why, because you underestimate them and deep down you have no idea what your partner could really find attractive. Just because she is with you does not mean she for example may find you attractive and no him if we could read minds I'm sure alot of people would commit suicide. I know many female friends who have told me straight to my face they did not find the guy making passes at them attractive only to sleep with them later and on some occassions get in a serious relationship/marriage because they saw the person past the physical. Anyway Goodluck I hope she's not slipping too much into her old dependable ways. btw I found her story with the manager and dog so odd, you sure she's didn't go for a quicky with him each time It only takes a few minutes for hell even seconds for sex to occur.
Bryanp Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 What is it that you want us to say. Your wife enjoys disrespecting you and your marriage. She has no boundaries and seemingly does not care how much she hurts you. She is the town flirt and I am sure everyone feels very sorry for you. The bottom line is that you accept it. I doubt you or she will ever change. If you wish to be the husband that everyone feels sorry for then so be it. It is clear you wife has very little respect for you or your feelings. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
soda Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 This man is not attractive, he smokes, drinks and is over weight but has a great sense of humor and seems to be very intelligent. He is just not what you would suspect your wife to fool around with. Um, be very careful about your assumptions. My STBXW is fit and attractive and she's chosen to throw away her marriage, her children, and her reputation for a fat, balding little troll who is 15 years older than her. Your wife is obviously filling some need by seeking out male attention. If I were to venture a guess, I would think that your wife is attractive and most of the guys she's flirting with are not.
soda Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I have spent my whole life being a "conflict avoider" and I will probably do it now. Since you have brought it up .........that may be a great explanation of my marriage. I have let her get away with alot simply to avoid conflict. But you're not avoiding conflict by your lack of action. Conflict is the elephant sitting in the middle of your living room. You're just choosing to try to ignore that it is there. You will make no progress until you address the situation. If you don't address it at all, you will continue to have this this type of experience.
Author Planofool Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 My wife's "flirting" with the camp manager could also be seen as harmless fun or just flat out being friendly with the man. Why do we have to think the worst? Why can't that just be her personality. If she is disrespecting me by talking to him, she obviously doesn't see it that way. So if I aproach her by saying I don't feel it is appropriate for her to do that she will stop. Is it too trivial to bring up or is it something I need to address?
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 If she hadn't cheated before, then you could have chalked this up to her being a social person who will talk to anyone, it all being harmless and no hidden meanings. BUT, that isn't the case. Something in her NEEDS that extra attention from other men.
Author Planofool Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 If she won't go to counseling what do I do?
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 If she doesn't go, how will you feel? It all depends on how you want to handle this and how much you can take. If she is against going, ask her why.
Owl Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Plano- What do you hope to get out of this thread? You've already indicated that you're a confirmed conflict avoider, and will continue to do so going forward. There's nothing anyone else can do for you as long as you continue to do nothing for yourself. I suggest IC for yourself. You should ask him to help you understand why you continue to accept these things and refuse to take action to protect/help yourself and your marriage. Marriage counseling will do no good. Your wife will refuse to go, or if she goes she'll refuse to participate. You'll accept that behavior from her, and all you'll end up with is a fat bill with no results to show for it. I know this sounds harsh...but I don't know any other way to put this out there for you to clearly see. If you want something to change...its going to require YOU to change.
Kasan Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 So if I aproach her by saying I don't feel it is appropriate for her to do that she will stop. Is it too trivial to bring up or is it something I need to address? How is this trivial if you are the one who is unhappy about this? You are the one who is bothered by this so please have the hard conversation with your wife. I do have some good news for you.............my husband was a "conflict avoider" also, you could say that I reformed him. Now, I might not like what he says sometimes, but I always know where I stand with him. It was really hard trying to read his mind in the "old days". I really prefer him the way that he is now. Life is to short to continue to go on like this don't you think? Something to think about?
Author Planofool Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 If she hadn't cheated before, then you could have chalked this up to her being a social person who will talk to anyone, it all being harmless and no hidden meanings. BUT, that isn't the case. Something in her NEEDS that extra attention from other men. I realize she has cheated emotionaly in the past, and it is part of her personality to be chatty with men, but as far as I know that is it. I do not know of any PA that has happened and she swears it has not. So should I be upset at her needing some attention from other males? If it is a friend then you can say she is just being friendly. If it is a stranger then is it flirting or just being friendly? Owl, I am just looking for direction....do I confront her with every instance or do I let her be her?
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I realize she has cheated emotionaly in the past, and it is part of her personality to be chatty with men, but as far as I know that is it. I do not know of any PA that has happened and she swears it has not. So should I be upset at her needing some attention from other males? If it is a friend then you can say she is just being friendly. If it is a stranger then is it flirting or just being friendly? Owl, I am just looking for direction....do I confront her with every instance or do I let her be her? If it doesnt end now it will never end. You'll be stuck in perpetual jealous state. She continue to disrespect the boundries of your marriage. and what's sickening is you allow it. Your inaction condones it!!!! Man the **** up!! Tell her plain and simple your tired of her flirting and disrespecting you and if she doesnt stop you'll file for divorce! plain and simple. I bet that'll get her damn attention! You need to do what's neccessary. I dont understand why you allow this. She cant control herself or wont then she needs to leave. Her constantly flirting with men, disrespecting you, acting out, ho'ing around! that's emotional abuse!!! Why are you putting up with such crap! stop avoiding it and face it head on. I'd rather be single and happy than to be with a woman like this and miserable!
Author Planofool Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Today is the first day of the new me. My wife got a second text from the OM yesterday. She has not seen it. So this morning I called him and told him to stop contacting her and that I knew about their past and he said he would never contact her again. Yesterday my wife started in on me about letting my daughter drive my car and the wreck that happened that wasn't my daughters fault. Our car got totaled and she was basicaly blaming me. I told her off and straightened up the facts of what happened and she pouted for a few minutes and got over it. She tries to bully me and the family and it is going to stop or she is going to leave. I can feel my backbone growing as I type. This is all do to the help of you folks. I am taking back my life and the life of my kids. No more brow beating from the wife/mother of my kids. Thank You
Davey McG Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 I've read your thread and I hope you keep it up. Its impressive to see the change in attitude and I'm glad you're following Chrome Baracuda's timeless advice: !Man the **** up! Good luck
whichwayisup Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 My wife got a second text from the OM yesterday. She has not seen it. So this morning I called him and told him to stop contacting her and that I knew about their past and he said he would never contact her again You sure about that? Sorry I can't remember, but is the OM married? If so, think about letting his wife or girlfriend know what he is doing..
Author Planofool Posted August 2, 2008 Author Posted August 2, 2008 He is not married, twice divorced. Don't know about a girlfriend.
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