Planofool Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 For those of you who have read my post, it has been 1 year since I discovered my wife's EA with a man from Texas. To the best of my knowledge contact stopped the end of June last year. Yesterday she got a text from him saying....."Hey stranger. Been a long time.***** reunion is this weekend. Let me know how u r. I know text messaging is pretty sophisticated for kaintuki so call me". I don't know if she has seen the message yet. I got her phone and looked at it without her knowing. What the hell is a kaintuki? I wanted to text him back but I didn't. I also am thinking about getting a pay as you go phone and texting him and tell him it's my new number so my husband won't know....then having some fun with him. I need advice what should I do? Just wait and watch?
Owl Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 I'm guessing you're from Kentucky...get it...kaintuki? It was a lame attempt on his part for humor. I'd wait and watch...did your wife and you have an agreement that she would tell you if he tried contacting her again? If so...see if she honors that agreement or not. Take action from there.
NatoPMT Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 i thought kentucky too and im not even american - i think he was saying it phonetically dont bother playing games. text him back saying youre aware of the contact and could he cease and tell your wife what you did - if you feel that you have achieved some healing together then ask her how she feels about it, and communicate - if you feel you still have problems, then explain to her you wont stand for any contact be honest and open, any suberfuge will take you steps back
Owl Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 But given all the doubts that have been plaguing POF, this is a chance for his wife to PROVE that she's still doing the right things. Its not playing games...its waiting for her to do what she SHOULD do. Its giving her the opportunity to rebuild the trust she destroyed when she had the affair a year ago.
NatoPMT Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 granted i dont know p's history, but surely texting the OM with a number saying its the wife isn't testing the wife its testing the om - and that doesnt prove anything
Author Planofool Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 I think that she needs to be the one to handle it. If she didn't tell him a year ago to never contact her again then she did not do what she said she did. I say the ball is in her court.
NatoPMT Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 if this is the first contact in a year (and the text defo indicates that theres not been contact in a good while), he might be trying his luck rather than her being part of a new betrayal if shes leaving her phone lying around then she wasnt expecting it, but the content of the message indicates that anyway whats slightly more concerning is that she's not mentioned it to you - however, that could be less damning as she may well not want to create cause for further mistrust or revisit the issues, but ill read back through posts before commenting further i really dont think its a good idea that you lure him into thinking a new pay as you go is her - it might well create a new mindset in you that she hasnt actively contributed to and the consequent development of your feelings towards her could be skewed by something she doesnt have a part in at this time, even if it was her actions that originally led you here
NatoPMT Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 from your other thread - hope you dont mind me requoting it I hear you guys. I just want to clear up that I have no proof of any kind that she has been unfaithful sexualy during our 27 yrs together. Yes she has had contacts through letters and phone calls but nothing I have found shows any physical contact. I know that if I found out otherwise I would be filing immediately. I could not take that after everything else. So how do I get her to admit that she remembers who she slept with and confess? I want to know. but did you say you could text him because of the above? im loathe to say this, but the one thing you can do with that number of his is potentially find the questions to the above
Author Planofool Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 Are you suggesting I call him? I did last year but I was so mad when I called that basically I just threatened him. If you have read you will know they dated 27 yrs ago and that he is her 2nd cousin. I asked if they had sex and she said she didn't think so......that bad memory again.
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Tell your wife, show her the message and let her know that you both are going to contact him and let him know NOT to contact your wife again and that if he does, HIS wife will be informed of him reaching out again to your wife. This is guy feeling out the situation. A year has gone by and he wants to know if it's "safe" to talk to her - Maybe restart the A, or have an EA with her again. I don't believe that she has a bad memory, she's just not wanting to come clean.
NatoPMT Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 i was wondering what you were going to do with the number P - what did you think you could achieve by texting him? After reading the other thread, i thought you were going to text him pretending to be your wife and say something like 'i miss having sex with you' theres so many unanswered questions, even though i kinda feel that the only way forwards to creating trust between you is to be honest and open with each other - but shes not being honest with you, and you cant have one way honesty and expect the same results as if you had reciprocal honesty, it seems youre a long way down the line from ever having had that. Given the number of question marks, and her controlling behaviour, and this bloke and her watching porn, i personally dont think id need answers - i wouldn t want to be in that environment, but i havent been married for 27 years so i cant profess to understand what its like in your shoes. What you do say is that you'd divorce her in a flash if you knew shed had sex with him - you can either accept you wont find that out, carry on as suspicious as you are, or use this to find out. i do feel that if she hadn't had sex with him, she wouldn't have said she couldn't remember as you mentioned on the other thread, she'd had said she didn't. I don't really think you're going to get any truths from her as she's found an alibi in her memory. But I'm really not comfortable advising you to text him and pretend to be her though. what was said by him when you called him? you don't actually know they had anything past an exchange of letters and no affair was alluded too, so what did you accuse him of? and how did he react? he's not got much respect by contacting her if he knew that's how you felt.
Author Planofool Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 I called when I found out they had been talking on the cell phone non stop for three months. Supposedly they haven't seen each other for 27 yrs. I knew he would try and contact her he is a SNAKE OF A MAN with no woman. What I am saying is that she must have left the door open the last time they talked. According to the phone records they talked for 19 minutes and she was to have told him that they were done. He has waited 1 year. When I talked to him he said I was blowing it out of proportion that she was only helping him get through some hard times. He doesn't know I have since found all the letters he wrote her over the years. I have even found the gifts and most of the pictures he sent her.
Owl Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 And he's back...AGAIN. But there's no evidence at all to suggest that he's been in contact with your wife prior to this message? See how she handles it. You've had all these concerns all this time...its an opportunity to see what she really does when she thinks "no one is watching". My suggestion at least.
Kamikaze Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 For those of you who have read my post, it has been 1 year since I discovered my wife's EA with a man from Texas. To the best of my knowledge contact stopped the end of June last year. Yesterday she got a text from him saying....."Hey stranger. Been a long time.***** reunion is this weekend. Let me know how u r. I know text messaging is pretty sophisticated for kaintuki so call me". I don't know if she has seen the message yet. I got her phone and looked at it without her knowing. What the hell is a kaintuki? I wanted to text him back but I didn't. I also am thinking about getting a pay as you go phone and texting him and tell him it's my new number so my husband won't know....then having some fun with him. I need advice what should I do? Just wait and watch? Do not contact him and do not tell her he tried to contact her. All you will be doing is showing your hand - she will feel excited that he stills cares and he just may work harder to talk to her. I say - do nothing - watch, listen, and document - but, don't let anyone know you know.
NatoPMT Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 I called when I found out they had been talking on the cell phone non stop for three months. Supposedly they haven't seen each other for 27 yrs. I knew he would try and contact her he is a SNAKE OF A MAN with no woman. What I am saying is that she must have left the door open the last time they talked. According to the phone records they talked for 19 minutes and she was to have told him that they were done. He has waited 1 year. When I talked to him he said I was blowing it out of proportion that she was only helping him get through some hard times. He doesn't know I have since found all the letters he wrote her over the years. I have even found the gifts and most of the pictures he sent her. not necessarily. he might just be trying his luck - there is some consistency in their stories as they both deny a physical affair, but they would to be fair though P., if theres that many letters, and they had conducted a physical affair, or ever had sex, i'm pretty sure it would have been referred to within those letters but this apparent lack of memory is troubling me - its a way of refusing to deal with the issues and youve said before she says what's in the past is now past - its not if it still bubbles up to bite you on the arse and its something ive said in my past to avoid having to deal with issues. Its a perfect alibi to stop her having to actually deal with things - that in itself is indication of the lack of emotional closeness between you, or an indication of the lack of unraveling the issues what do you want from all this? whats your ideal? do you want to find out what happened, or do you want to just be able to trust her, or do you want to just put this in the past with some peace of mind? what is it you actually want?
NatoPMT Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 owl and kamikaze - what do you mean by listen and watch? check her phone? what if she deletes stuff or theres nothing on there as shes not contacted him back? check her phone bills? shes been caught out that way before, so she might call him from work for eg...its still not peace of mind and its creating a further air of suspicion which might create a new sequence of events - if she says nothing about this text, she might want to not bring it up again, i don't think i would if i were her. if it brings up specific evidence, then at least the answers have been found, but if it doesnt, then its perpetuating this situation further the contact with this Om is a symptom - the causes of the symptom are better dealt with unless P can find a way of specifically getting an answer to the physical or non physical nature of their potential affair as that would be the dealbreaker as things stand. i kinda think that an affair is more likely to happen in the environment of suspicion, so leave this as it is and its possible it can create a sense of further division
Author Planofool Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 I want to know the truth about her past because I have contact with some of the players. I want to know why she had to hang on to these men while she was married to me. I want her to get help for her problems including her marriage. I don't want her to try and cover up. She has issues that need to be delt with. As far as this scumbag in Texas........I just wanted to have some fun with him. Make him feel like sh*t like he did me.
herenow Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 First realize that he is trying to contact her and not the other way around. One of the things I learned about trying to rebuild trust as a BW is that I had to honest too. I think you should ask her about it and together decide how to handle this so that he never tries to contact her again. If she is unwilling to let you be part of that process, then I would say you have a problem. This shouldn't be a game, it's your life and marriage. Be as honest with her as you expect her to be with you.
Kamikaze Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 owl and kamikaze - what do you mean by listen and watch? check her phone? what if she deletes stuff or theres nothing on there as shes not contacted him back? check her phone bills? shes been caught out that way before, so she might call him from work for eg...its still not peace of mind and its creating a further air of suspicion which might create a new sequence of events - if she says nothing about this text, she might want to not bring it up again, i don't think i would if i were her. if it brings up specific evidence, then at least the answers have been found, but if it doesnt, then its perpetuating this situation further the contact with this Om is a symptom - the causes of the symptom are better dealt with unless P can find a way of specifically getting an answer to the physical or non physical nature of their potential affair as that would be the dealbreaker as things stand. i kinda think that an affair is more likely to happen in the environment of suspicion, so leave this as it is and its possible it can create a sense of further division Delete the txt message. Don't tell her about it. She what she does. It really all depends on what your goals are. Do you want to nip it in the bud now - or see just how far she is willing to go?
NatoPMT Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 I want to know the truth about her past because I have contact with some of the players. I want to know why she had to hang on to these men while she was married to me. I want her to get help for her problems including her marriage. I don't want her to try and cover up. She has issues that need to be delt with. As far as this scumbag in Texas........I just wanted to have some fun with him. Make him feel like sh*t like he did me. it wont be fun though will it? its just gonna resurrect the feelings youre trying to get past - any victory will feel hollow and empty i'm sure P the answers you need can only be found with her and her ability to be truthful, which seems questionable so youre cornered..... she either commits fully to MC or you have to make the decision as to whether feeling like this is what you want for the rest of your life sorry youre in this position
NatoPMT Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 First realize that he is trying to contact her and not the other way around. One of the things I learned about trying to rebuild trust as a BW is that I had to honest too. I think you should ask her about it and together decide how to handle this so that he never tries to contact her again. If she is unwilling to let you be part of that process, then I would say you have a problem. This shouldn't be a game, it's your life and marriage. Be as honest with her as you expect her to be with you. i agree with this. add the MC and her being agreeable to giving you what you need to trsut her again, and i think thats your best option
NatoPMT Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 I want to know the truth about her past because I have contact with some of the players. I want to know why she had to hang on to these men while she was married to me. I want her to get help for her problems including her marriage. I don't want her to try and cover up. She has issues that need to be delt with. im starting to wonder if shes already given you these answers but her need to try and close the door on it and your hurt is pushing you to question further if there had been physical contact, i feel it would have been referenced in the letters shed explained why she needed their contact and what the problems were that created that need - its not acceptable but her explanation has some feasibility shes said why she needs to stop talking about it and i think shes using the memory thing to facilitate that - which is going to leave you feeling frozen in your recovery as its been forced on you, and nothings happening to create the best possible outcome, ie that you should feel closer as an ideal result
In Like Flynn Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 If her phone is anything like mine, once you read a text it is gone from the main display and you have to go to the text/msg section to read it. This will be a dead give away that someone has opened her phone. Unless she thinks she just didn't see it and used the phone to talk.
Author Planofool Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 She just told me about the text and asked what she should do. I am open for suggestions. She said she has not talked to him since last year and she told him not to contact her.
Owl Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 AWESOME!!!!! Dude...IMHO...this is GREAT news. This is EXACTLY the reaction you could/should have hoped for. Ask her to respond along the lines of: "I made it clear last year that we could no longer communicate and that I'm focused on my marriage and husband. My husband and I would appreciate it if you honored that request and no longer contacted me again in any fashion.". Seriously...this is the totally RIGHT response that she gave you!!! Openness, honesty, and asked for your thoughts on how to handle it too. Nothing but gravy.
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