Heatmaker Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Hey everyone... If you don't remember my story here is the link to it http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t155723/ A quick rundown... Well my girlfriend/daughter's mother left me a month and a half ago. For the first week we didn't speak at all and I didn't even get to see my daughter. The following week we spoke calmly and as if nothing was wrong we joked on the phone and laughed and she asked me not to talk to her about the situation because she said she wasn't ready, so I said it was ok. Then she stopped by to pick up all her things because she was moving back in with her parents. If you check the link it goes into more detail on what happened those first 2-3 weeks. Well, since then we've been able to talk little by little and I tell her how I feel and the things that I've realized. I've made a lot of changes in my life since she left. I've realized so many things that I took for granted for a long time. Since we've split I've been able to regain my faith in God. I started praying every single night since she left and I've asked God to bless everyone in my life and to bless her and to take care of her. I've never asked or prayed for us to get back together. All I've asked is that what ever God wants me to go through I will go through it for him. This pain that I get in my chest, the tears, the loneliness. I pray that he gives me the strength to be able to get through this is we never end up getting back together. Spiritually I feel that my soul has in a sense been resurrected. For as far as I could remember I've prayed every single day until I was about 14 (that's when my life changed... Drugs, School, Family Problems, Anger Issues.) I feel much more happier and much more fulfilled now that I've been able to get my life back in God's path. I've also started going to a Psychologist about many issues that I've had through out my life. I always told my ex that I would go and she would always beg me to go but I never did. I really think my therapist has helped me out tremendously through out this experience. She has helped me understand a lot of things that I couldn't understand before. I have also been able to talk to my family more as far as opening up to them go. They see the changes that I am trying to make and they are very proud and happy for me, especially my mother. My sister has been my support through out all this because she is still very close to my ex. She talks to her about once a week. I've been able to open up to my closest friends and they all see how I feel about my ex. So let's get started on my ex. I know myspace doesn't mean anything to guys or to much older people, but I've come to realize that for young females, it's an important way for them to express themselves. Well through out this whole situation she was kept pictures of me and she has kept me as her number 1 friend, and she has also kept that she is "In A Relationship". Well my friends, on Wednesday of this week, she ended up changing her status to "Single" and that crushed me. She has also started going out a lot with her friends from school. It all confuses me because I almost feel like she is living a lie right now. She doesn't even go out with her best friend or my sister at that. All she wants to do is go out with her new friends from school (2 Girls). One of those girls is puts up pictures on her myspace showing a little too much, oh, and she is a mother at that too. She calls herself "The Queen Bitch". That is the kind of friends she is surrounding herself now. This hurts a lot, it almost seems like she is trying to be something that she isn't. Before I met her and while we were together she was never the partying type, she was never into that type of thing. Now I see guys from her school leaving her comments about going to parties with them and stuff. I understand if this is what she wants, I can't do anything about it. My sister tells me things that my ex tells her. She tells her that after a month and a half she still cries over me every single night. She told her that on monday while she was sitting in class she just started crying in front of everyone because she kept thinking about me. She told her that sometimes she wants to just forget everything and get back with me but she says it's too hard. She tells the whole world how much she loves me and how much she wants to be with me but she is just too hurt and too scared that things will keep being the same and that things won't change. I've slowly tried to show her things and prove to her that I am making a big effort to change but she either doesn't want to allow her self to believe or she is just too scared to even attempt a relationship with me. Yesterday we spoke on the phone and she was VERY defensive, I was trying to reassure her that I do love her, and I told her how I feel and she got mad and started crying and saying that if I would have told her this before, everything would have been fine. I told her that I agree with her and that I am sorry that it had to come down to this for me to realize but I am going to make every effort to get her and my daughter back in my life. She was so mad that she told me to get over her and to stop wasting my time because she didn't want to be with me and she just wanted to be alone. I told her that if she didn't want to be with me, it was fine, I understand. But I told her that I would not get over her, because she is who I want, she is who I want to be with. She cried and said that that is what she wanted too but now she is just too hurt. When she told me to get over here and told me she didn't want to be with me anymore I asked her to please tell me the truth about how she felt and she yelled and said "Ok Fine, I'm lying, I'm just too hurt and too scared, how do I know it's different this time, how do I know you won't change for a month and then go back to being the same." and I told her that I would never go back to being the same because I would not want to put both of us through this again and she just cried. She is VERY VERY defensive and almost as if she has so much resentment towards me. Every that I say she takes it the wrong way or she doesn't believe me or she says it's too late. Her best friend told me to keep fighting for her, that as long as we both love each other everything will work out. My ex tells everyone that she still knows that I am her other half but she questions whether she is that for me. I plan on proving that to her. In all honesty, if she never wants to get back with me, I still thank her for showing me what it is to be man. For helping me show what I have in my heart. For helping me mature and grow. For helping me get closer to my faith and to my family. I love her so much, even if she got with someone else right now, I would still love her, obviously we wouldn't get back together but that doesn't change the way I feel about her. If one day she gets married to someone else I will be very happy for her, because she would be happy. If another man is out there for her, that will make her happier than I ever did, I will be very happy. I want nothing more than for her to be happy in life, even if it isn't with me. I WANT her with me, but I don't NEED her with me for me to love her. If giving her, her space is a way to show my love for her, than so be it, I will give her her space. I know it will be hard to accept that we won't be together, but I have faith that eventually, I will be fine, and so will she, and we will get on with our lifes and our careers and hopefully find that special someone that is out there for us. And if God wants us to be together, than one day if we do get back together, our love will be more mature and much more stronger, and I am positive that I can make her happy every single day that God gives me in this life. If she told me to get butt naked and walk through the Sahara desert knowing that she would be on the other side waiting for me, I wouldn't think twice about it. I know she is my soul mate, and I messed up a lot, but I am really regretful for my mistakes. I hope that one day she can forgive me.
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