mineymoe Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 i have been with my guy for 4 years. he is no longer married to his ex wife but lived with her. She has bullied put down and blamed him for all her problems for years...it is a pretty classice abuse scenario but one where he has been on the receiving end. He doesn't get it just from her but from her whole family too. Anyway I have been getting tired of the whole situation. This weekend he was supposed to be driving her to some event of hers out of state....he is nothing but her driver. I told him i was sick and tired of the double standard and to just call me when he got back. He got caught trying to lie his way out of the trip. Anyway her and her fat friends started calling my house leaving all types of condescending messages....I told them i was calling the police and did. If they call my house again i am filing charges. The calls stopped but wth? He left and is at his moms. I think he feels completely powerless to make a positive life on his own. Oh well i think i have it under control just can't believe it happened last night. I never gave him any ultimatums and am not sure what to expect now. His mom called me last night and I thought it was another one of her friends and didn't answer. I have known so much about her and his family for so long and have wanted to meet her. She has known about our relationship all along. My bf and her are very close. Oh well i guess i have no direct question just wanted to vent.....
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 You seem to be putting alot of blame on his ex - Yet the thing is, he is LIVING with her. Why? HE is the one who is allowing her to push him around, so if you are mad, get MAD at him. Something just doesn't feel right in this situation. Why is he living with his ex if they're divorced? Are you absolutely sure nothing is going on between them again?
Tomcat33 Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 You seem to be putting alot of blame on his ex - Yet the thing is, he is LIVING with her. Why? HE is the one who is allowing her to push him around, so if you are mad, get MAD at him. Something just doesn't feel right in this situation. Why is he living with his ex if they're divorced? Are you absolutely sure nothing is going on between them again? I totally agree with this and was going to say the same thing. The onis is on him to make that distinct cut and to prioritise his relationships. If he can't do this maybe it is time to question why you are allowing yourself to get wrapped up in his mess? I unerstand you love him but he is putting you in a position where you have to fight his battles for him, and that's not fair to you. I find it odd they still live together too. I remember a few years ago I met this guy at a charity event I was working volunteer work for and he was the head of Cancer research, so you figure "hmmmm here's a well respected professional guy that is well liked in the community who has it together right?" WRONG. We went out and in conversation I find out he still lived in the same house with his ex g/f and they were still "friends" and also in the way in which he spoke about her apparently had a lot of unresolved feelings as well. If it looks and feels odd, it more than likely IS odd.
Lyssa Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Why is he still there living with her if they are no longer married? Can't he get a place of his own?
GreenEyedLady Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 I think he feels completely powerless to make a positive life on his own. You cannot save him. He has to take control of his life on his own. Until he learns to stand up for himself, other's will control his life for him. Has he done any counseling at all?
Author mineymoe Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 Thanks for the responses. He has been going to counseling for about a year now. I am not angry at his ex wife except for the way she treats him, it is an abusive situation, but I have 3 children and a business and refuse to be harassed by her and her friends. Anyway I have no idea what is going to happen. Before she found out I had told him to go and have a nice weekend and call me when he got back. He got caught trying to lie his way out of the trip so he could be with me. Anyway its a huge dramatic mess she has no problem putting the kids right in the middle of it. I could hear her on the phone and she was laughing like some kinda maniac and the kids were crying.....I have never been sure i really wanted to be a part of her insanity....i didn't mind being under the radar. Oh well I guess we'll just have to see what happens.
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 If she is his ex-wife, why is he having to lie and hide stuff from her? I hate to tell you this, but I think he's pulling one over on you. I think they still are together in some sort of way and that's why she's acting out. Why would she be doing this? They LIVE together, so anything is possible.
pelicanpreacher Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 i have been with my guy for 4 years. he is no longer married to his ex wife but lived with her. She has bullied put down and blamed him for all her problems for years...it is a pretty classice abuse scenario but one where he has been on the receiving end. He doesn't get it just from her but from her whole family too. Anyway I have been getting tired of the whole situation. This weekend he was supposed to be driving her to some event of hers out of state....he is nothing but her driver. I told him i was sick and tired of the double standard and to just call me when he got back. He got caught trying to lie his way out of the trip. Anyway her and her fat friends started calling my house leaving all types of condescending messages....I told them i was calling the police and did. If they call my house again i am filing charges. The calls stopped but wth? He left and is at his moms. I think he feels completely powerless to make a positive life on his own. Oh well i think i have it under control just can't believe it happened last night. I never gave him any ultimatums and am not sure what to expect now. His mom called me last night and I thought it was another one of her friends and didn't answer. I have known so much about her and his family for so long and have wanted to meet her. She has known about our relationship all along. My bf and her are very close. Oh well i guess i have no direct question just wanted to vent..... Do a record search at the clerk of courts in the county that you live to get absolute an independent 3rd party proof of the divorce decree.
Author mineymoe Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 I saw the divorce record and the property records a long time ago. She insists that he lives with her as if they are married and they do a ton of stuff together. He is her slave. It is a codependent relationship. I don't really care what happens. I have dated other guys, well tried to all along I still like him the best we really have the most intense bond I have ever experienced and i can say that from being with him i have learned what it is like to experience that and look for it in the other guys i date. Now that we are right in the middle of this we'll see what happens. If he can't do what is ultimately right for himself and his children and me by freeing himself from that mess then I really have no use for him and he is definitely, ultimately not the man for me. And as far as what goes on that i don't know about with him and her i understand the references as i have two exes both would come back in a heart beat if he had that with her that kinda love i would be glad for him it would make his life much easier and happier and be best for his kids. I don't have a problem with that. There are tons of fish in the sea and i don't have any problem meeting men. anyway she found out that we were talking. Nothing else. I could pick up the phone and inform her of the whole situation tell her the last time i saw him was on tuesday when he left work and spent day with me putting together and helping me with my furniture delivery, putting together my nice new bed that we tried out, how when he said he had an fop meeting that night we were really looking at a house our dream house! It would be over then between them for sure but I am really on the fence. As she is currently finding out every last bit of information she can about me, including researching my exes etc etc...i think nature will run its course. I don't want to actively participate in any of the drama. I don't want to engage in some kinda high school spat with her fat army of psycho friends harassing me the truth is i could completely devastate her. She is a disgrace to women and motherhood. She took my threat of charges seriously and i am glad she did because i ment it. And as she is a teacher i would have no problem going to her and her friends principal and school superintendent to inform them of her conduct if she creates any glimmer of disturbance in mine, my childrens or my business life.
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 He isn't the man for you - If he was he wouldn't still be with her. They may be divorced but they certainly act like a family. He allows her behaviour, and she allows his. You're right it is codependant and it's sick, especially since you're his girlfriend and wanting to be with him. He puts her first over you and as long as you stay in this relationship, you'll be second fiddle. End it and heal yourself. you can do better than this guy.
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