How do I get over this?

[Owl]

It sounds like you've got the right handle on things.

 

Enforce your NC with OM. Even if its just limiting the contact, its better than nothing.

 

Don't ask him for ANYTHING AT ALL, other than what you're REQUIRED to do in the course of your workday.

 

Other than that, getting a new job to enforce NC, and the steps you're taking to work on your marriage are your best bets.

[anne1707]

Don't you just hate it when you can't sleep (I woke up at 4.30am). All these mixed up thoughts come crashing into your head and you end up thinking/feeling things that you know are not the way you would be thinking/feeling in the cold light of day.

 

Anyway, I feel better for getting up rather than lying in bed letting thoughts of OM stopping me from sleeping. I will go back to bed now and cuddle up to my husband.

 

NC will be made easier in a couple of days as OM is about to go on holiday. My H and I then go on holiday a week after he gets back. I know that part of me still misses the OM but I will be glad not to see him.

[merlin2]

I really do feel sorry for you.You're in a cat and mouse situation-and you're the mouse obviously.This guy only has power over you-because he has your CONSENT.You have lost control of the situation, lost control of him, and its messing with your mind.Its very hard to get that control back as you are working in such close proximity with this person every day, and there's no relief.I think its good that you are going away, you need to psychologically let go of this man for once and for all.Who knows if he really is playing with you, or whether in your heightened state of alert and not wanting to let go of him, you are reading every sign, every gesture as confirmation that HE STILL WANTS YOU??

You say one thing(mending things with your H) but you're still addicted to the OM.

Its just an addiction,infatuation,lust you can get over it, but you need space from him.Real love is what you have with your H, the real nitty-gritty, sometimes banal day-to-day stuff.But when push comes to shove your H will always be there for you.You have lived together, slept together, shared a life together.Your OM was a fantasy, he liked all the sex and romance of it all but when you offered him committment he turned you down.

The best thing you can do is act as if you dont care, even if you do.beleive me, after all hes put you through, if he came crawling back, would you really want him?You have seen his true colours.

 

But right now you want the choice of having him or not like you always thought you had.its been taken out of your hands and you have to stop torturing yourself and realise what you're going through is just withdrawal symptoms, nothing else.

 

Only then can you work things through with that guy whos sticking by you through thick and thin.Your husband.I do beleive that somewhere down the line you can fall back in love with him (if you let this loser who preys on married women go).

Get a new job-for your own sanity at least, this will help to get your marriage back on track.I do beleive from what you've said you and your husband could work this out, thats up to you.you know deep down whether thats realistic or not.

But you have full control of this situation in the meantime, and you are better getting it off your chest as you have done on here.sometimes its good to hear other opinions, even if its not what you want to hear I guess.

[anne1707]

Merlin

 

I feel as if you know me. I know that you are right in what you say. I am still addicted to the OM. I know that he still has a hold over me but I am resisting. What I have with my husband is real love and I do not want to lose that.

[merlin2]

Anne,

 

I dont know you, but although my own love life isnt peachy, I know the psychology behind whats going on with you.I am going through a similar thing in reverse, if you like.

You're imprisoned right now, that feeling of having no control happens to a lot of people, its a natural reaction at the end of a relationship.doesnt matter if people tell you its 'bad' and you're weak because you dont just ignore this guy.The fact you are trying to analyse it says to me you want out of this place, this 'prison' you're in and back to 'where the love is', without trying to sound corny.

The fact is you are going through that phase, its like being a teenager again, that rush, the whole romance thing.Us women put our hearts and souls into any relationship, at the beginning its that feeling of being adored we try to replicate sometimes.But sometimes its not real.There are predators out there just waiting for women in unhappy relationships, just as there are women who get a buzz out of 'having' other womens men.

They cant ever compensate for your real lover/husband/wife you adore.sometimes the feelings you should reserve for them get redirected to someone unworthy of your love.

I get the feeling you keep waiting for a miracle and hoping these romatic feelings for your husband magically appear.

They cant when you are in this frame of mind.

But the fact you want to try says thats you might be able to fall in love with him again, once you are able to get this other guy out of your life?I dont know your situation for real, forgive me if I'm making untrue assumptions.

It wont happen overnight, you know that, but it sounds like your H understands you.You are one lucky lady.One day im sure you will look back and be annoyed you let that cretin get to you.Your feelings for the OM are transient, your H , thats a lot of years and history between you.

and if it wasnt for the fact you are in close contact with this guy, it would probably have been history.a long time ago.the off email, text, whatever, .But I wish you well, hope you can work it out.

[bish]

Seeing as I have now told OM that I would not take him back if he asked because of the way he has treated me and that I think he is pathetic for moving on to another married woman, how can this then be taken as the affair is about to start again.

 

Because you aren't cutting it off with him and its obvious you don't want to get away from him.

 

The relationship between OM and I is as low as it can get, he is seeing someone else and I want to try and make my marriage work.

 

Then why are you still concerning yourself with him? Sorry, but if what you say is true, then you should have no contact with him and tell him that if he comes around you any more, it will be a sexual harrassment suit.

 

But you don't do that. All of us here can see that you don't want to go complete NC with him.

 

In addition whilst my husband has not seen this thread, he is very aware of what has been happening.

 

I highly doubt it.

[bish]

OK. I knew I would get criticism but not that much. So much to respond to there too.

 

This will be mixed up but here goes. The time we set off for the meeting was HIS idea. It was also HIS idea to go for a walk round the site.

 

Uh, so what?? It doesn't matter if it is HIS idea or YOURS. You did what he wanted you to.

 

Its like saying, "robbing a bank was his idea, I only helped him do it".

You think that explanation would fly with the cops?

 

 

Looking for a job? Yes I am. However I have to give six months notice so this is never going to be a quick process.

 

Sorry, I don't believe this. I've never heard of any company requiring 6 months notice. What are they going to do if you leave them in 2 weeks? Fire you?

 

Sorry, no company can force you to work for them. Sounds like a big load of bunk and a huge excuse to not put any real effort in to finding another job.

[bish]

ERRRR why did you have sexy underwear delivered to your place of work?

 

Yes, wondered this myself.

[carhill]

Perhaps not relevant to the topic, but the OP may have an employment contract which runs for a specified period of time. If she breaks the contract, she could be sued, in addition to industry sanctions (her reputation). I don't know the specifics. Would a man give up his job and possible career for his marriage? I don't know. My gut says no. As things are, it appears the OP is trying to clear the fog. I encourage her. It takes time

[bish]

Perhaps not relevant to the topic, but the OP may have an employment contract which runs for a specified period of time. If she breaks the contract, she could be sued, in addition to industry sanctions (her reputation). I don't know the specifics.

 

 

Again, nobody can force a person to work for someone else, contract or not. This isn't a communist nation last I checked.

 

And 6 months notice is unrealistic. That would ensure that nobody would ever find another job as any employer wouldn't wait 6 months. When they need to hire someone, they need someone now, not 1/2 a year later.

 

I still don't buy this 6 month notice thing. Its just an excuse.

That coupled with the fact she said she enjoys seeing the OM squirm when she is around. Therefore, she will use whatever excuse she can to keep a job that will allow her to watch him "squirm".

 

But really it goes much deeper than that as far as I'm concerned. I think she simply doesn't want to be away with him, no matter what stories she is coming up with.

 

 

Would a man give up his job and possible career for his marriage?

 

If he wants to keep his marriage he damn well better. He doesn't have to give up a career, just his current employer.

Should have thought about that before boning someone at work.

 

I don't know. My gut says no.

 

Then said man doesn't need to be married to the person he betrayed any longer if he expects her to be ok with him being in contact with the woman he stuck it to.

 

As things are, it appears the OP is trying to clear the fog. I encourage her. It takes time

 

If you read what she is saying, she is not trying to clear any fog whatsoever. She is obsessed with the OM and will do whatever it takes to stay in contact with him, no matter what stories she is telling of her being disgusted with him.

[carhill]

Sounds like you're not open to any perspective other than your own. I wish you well on that path.

[bish]

Sounds like you're not open to any perspective other than your own. I wish you well on that path.

 

Oh I'm open, but one thing that is not acceptable is for a betrayed spouse to put up with the cheater seeing the person they screwed at work on a daily basis.

[carhill]

It's not acceptable to you My take is the OP values and appreciates your perspective and that of the other posters here. Progress is being made, though perhaps not at the speed you would find to your liking.

 

FWIW, I agree with your assessment. I just approach the process differently...

[bish]

It's not acceptable to you My take is the OP values and appreciates your perspective and that of the other posters here. Progress is being made, though perhaps not at the speed you would find to your liking.

 

No, its not happening at all. She is making excuses why she can't get another job. She is saying she is done with OM, but its obvious by the way she talks about him and interacts with him that she is NOT over it and wants to remain in some kind of contact with him.

 

Progress would be her going NC and sticking to it. She made the excuse that going for a walk was HIS idea. Well what difference does that make? she took him up on it when she should have said, "no thanks" or more to the point, "go to hell".

 

So by her trying to excuse it away that it was HIS idea(and this is just one example of her excuses) its clear that this isn't going like she claims it is. She says she is done with the OM.....obviously not.

[anne1707]

Where do I start?

 

Well first of all, Bish is quoting stuff from 3 weeks ago (eg that walk). Things have definitely moved on from there.

 

Sexy underwear delivered to work? Saves going to the post office to collect. And my H is the only person who has seen it.

 

Six months notice? That is my contract. Last 3 jobs I have had to do minimum 3 months. I do have a very senior post and will be known across my sector so to walk out of my job would set my career back years. I should add that I earn more than my H so we need my salary.

 

Looking for another job? Got an interview next week. But jobs at my level come up only once every few months.

 

As for OM, he has played another game today which shows him for the low life piece of **** that he is. He had been sent an email at work which related to something I was responsible for. I asked him to let me have a copy. Instead of forwarding it to me, he printed off a copy and tore off the bottom part which had some personal info re a night out with some old colleagues. I told him that I found this insulting and was not interested in his sad little life. He told me he does not trust me ( scared I will tell his new OW's husband I guess). Pathetic. Plus the loser still keeps looking me up and down and if the OW is the one I think it is, she weighs 70 plus pounds more than me. (when he has criticised me for my weight which is healthy whilst he is overweight).

 

Don't worry. I am learning a very big lesson about the OM. I am worth more and deserve more.

[carhill]

OP, what's the status with H? How's he holding up? I forget, are you in MC? He's fully disclosed/informed, yes?

 

Steady as she goes. There will be some rough times ahead....

[anne1707]

OP, what's the status with H? How's he holding up? I forget, are you in MC? He's fully disclosed/informed, yes?

 

Steady as she goes. There will be some rough times ahead....

 

 

He has bad days and not so bad days but on the whole he has stood by me and wants us to work. And yes, he is fully informed.

 

As for MC, we are going on holiday soon and plan to go to MC when we get back.

[silktricks]

It sounds like you are making advances. Do stick to your guns re: unnecessary contact with the OM. And (if I were you) I'd ask your husband how much he wants/needs to know about any interaction between the two of you at work. Be completely honest with him, and if he wants to know everytime you need to contact him, then let him know.

 

Like others here, though, I'm confused about your obsession(?) with the OM's new ladyfriend. It's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! You are working on your marriage - don't forget that.

[anne1707]

Like others here, though, I'm confused about your obsession(?) with the OM's new ladyfriend. It's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! You are working on your marriage - don't forget that.

 

 

I will be the first to admit that I still have some feelings for the OM so there is jealousy regarding the new woman. Plus annoyance and frustration as he said that a key reason for ending it with me was because I was married..... so he starts seeing another married woman. Plus he has always being incredibly rude about women who may be classed as overweight ( very hypocritical as he needs to lose 30 plus pounds). yet the woman he is now seeing is very overweight. No criticism of her on my part but I think he may be taking advantage of possible low self esteem and trying to make her feel grateful that he is interested (very much his style)

[carhill]

Try to relax. This is a cheap method of keeping your emotions engaged. The OM is an expert at this stuff. Put all that stuff that has gotten you to this point in your profession to work on this problem. The OM is no match for you

[anne1707]

I know what you are saying is true. He acts totally fine with me 90% plus of the time to the point of being charming and friendly (&flirting even though he will deny this) yet if I ever question him, he is suddenly cold, nasty, offensive.

 

Day by day, I am growing stronger and getting over this need for the OM.

[anne1707]

I know what you are saying is true. He acts totally fine with me 90% plus of the time to the point of being charming and friendly (&flirting even though he will deny this) yet if I ever question him, he is suddenly cold, nasty, offensive.

 

Day by day, I am growing stronger and getting over this need for the OM.

 

 

Getting over this as I said but every now and then there is a time when I feel sad about this whole mess with the OM and I going through one of those moods now. I know its because he did something else to upset me yesterday and I am annoyed at him for this because there was no need for what he did plus I showed that he could still upset me and make me vulnerable.

 

I know I am never going to get answers from the OM for his treatment of me. His words and actions show so many lies and contradictions in how he feels about me and I hate that I have wasted genuine love on this man. I know I have hurt my H far more deeply than the OM has hurt me but I cannot stand the sense that the OM has to some extent deliberately tried to manipulate me even after it was all over as far as he was concerned. He has complained when I tried to talk about us at work but I pointed out that he has refused to meet me outside work so what was I left with. He wants it all on his terms and I am supposed to smile sweetly, say "thats OK, anything you want (and by the way I'll be yours whenever you want)."

 

I hate the way everybody I work with thinks he is such a nice man when I know he is cruel and manipulative. I hate the way he used me and is now using another married woman. If he persuades her to tell her husband, he will only then go and dump her for someone else as he has with me.

 

I hate that he told me he did not want to "mess her around" when according to him he had only been seeing her 2 weeks. This was whilst he was texting me to leave my husband and making moves towards restarting the affair until I said I would leave my H. This was after he and I have been having what I saw as a deeply loving, passionate relationship for nearly 3 years. Our 3 years was not as important as those 2 weeks.

 

So as you can see, I have had a bad night. But the future will improve. OM is now on holiday for 2 weeks so I can have full NC. No game playing for two weeks. None of his be nice, be friendly, do a flirty gesture and then say what the **** are you talking about when I tell him to stop this.

 

I can concentrate on my husband and making us better.

[carhill]

IMO, counseling will be so helpful for you. Behavioral therapy will help you divert the attention you are currently giving all these dramatic emotions and all the what he's doing and what people think and who's saying what about whom. You'll learn all that rancor is really irrelevant to your truth. Truth is a quiet place. A simple place. It's kind of like a vacation. Think of it that way. Take a vacation, start counseling and continue the vacation. Take all the time you need

[anne1707]

Fighting the urge to text OM so thought I would post here instead. It all feels a bit **** when you know you have feelings for somebody who does not know how to love.

[carhill]

Remind yourself how special it is for you to have that capacity (to love others in a healthy way) and that you have a portal for it right at home with that guy you call your H