How do I get over this?

[anne1707]

My husband does not want to talk to the OM yet - he may do so in the future. As for holiday, both the OM and I will be taking holidays over the next few weeks (not at the same time) so that will give me some space.

 

I have also been telling my husband what is happening at work and he has said he would not be surprised if the OM makes another move on me or texts me when he is on holiday so I need to prepare myself for handling that if this is the case.

[taylor]

My husband does not want to talk to the OM yet - he may do so in the future. As for holiday, both the OM and I will be taking holidays over the next few weeks (not at the same time) so that will give me some space.

 

I have also been telling my husband what is happening at work and he has said he would not be surprised if the OM makes another move on me or texts me when he is on holiday so I need to prepare myself for handling that if this is the case.

 

 

Anne,

 

You need to get on the offense, not the defense. Be firm with this OM. NO CONTACT.

[Sal Paradise]

As long as you remain at this job you will never get over the OM.

 

If you care about your husband and your marriage, if you respect either at all, you will find a way to either get another job or transfer. No excuse should be acceptable. Whats more important - your marriage or this job? The OM or your husband? If the answer is your marriage/husband then no obstacle is too great to fix the damage you have caused. If the answer is your marriage/husband you will find a way to either find another job or get transfered. It's as simple as that.

 

And if you're unwilling to do that then you might as well divorce your husband now and save him the pain and agony of watching his wife disrespect him on a daily basis. Every day you yearn for this OM you're essentially ripping his heart out and setting it on fire. You cannot do this to him any longer. You're not powerless to stop this. Find another job or leave your husband. Stop trying to have your cake and eat it too.

[anne1707]

Today has been tough. Being honest, I have really missed the OM today. So many things have reminded me of him and how he made me feel. And all because he played me yesterday and pulled me back.

 

I know that in the end I would not be happy with the OM and that my husband can make me happy but I can't seem to get over this addiction to the OM. I am desperately trying not to text him. I know I have to do NC but I know I will see him on Monday and I both dread and look forward to that.

[anne1707]

Woke up early and have been trying to figure out what I miss about the OM. Up until recently I have never really thought that I would leave my husband and even when I told the OM I would, there were doubts about that in the back of my mind. I have wondered what would have happened if my husband and I had not had that argument which then acted as the catalyst for me to tell all. I am quite sure that I would not be in the situation I am now in.

 

So do I wish I was having a full relationship with the OM? - No. I don't think I do. Even before his recent actions, there were issues which made me question and doubt that we could work.

 

Do I wish I was still having an affair with him? - Possibly though I really do not want those kind of complications in my life anymore. I just want one loving, real, grown-up relationship.

 

Do I miss the excitement of the affair? - Definitely. The OM made me feel special and adored. He could be very tender and loving and also very passionate. We were best friends and lovers too. And yes, I recognise that the need to hide the relationship, the secrecy of it all added to the excitement.

 

Am I jealous of the new woman? - Yes (and no). I miss the attention that the OM gave me and how he would always text me first thing in the morning and last thing at night and I hate that he is now probably doing that with her and saying to her all the things he used to say to me. But that is where I don't miss it because of the ease and speed in which he found someone else and the questions I have over his sincerity.

 

Do I still love the OM? - Yes

 

Do I love my husband? - Yes

 

- but I worry about being in love with one and not with the other. However I recognise that the love for my husband is more real and lasting.

 

Do I want my marriage? - Yes but obviously with all the above going through my head, there are some doubts and problems that need to be dealt with before we stand a chance of making things work and actually addressing the real problems of why all this happened in the first place.

 

How is all this going to end? - I wish I knew.

[LifesontheUp]

How is all this going to end? - I wish I knew.

 

This is how I see it:

 

I think you know deep down this isn't going to end very well but you are still enjoying the attention of the OM, its like a heroine fix to you, it makes you feel good and there is NO WAY you are going to let that go.

 

If you were a smoker and told you will die in 2 months if you don't give up cigarettes, what would you do? Would you be able to give them up? Think long and hard about that, as your marriage is in a very similar predicament. If you don't give up the OM, it will be the death of your marriage. Is that what you want?

 

I know that some people are calling the OM a player but honestly you aren't any different. You are playing a game yourself and you know it. You are enjoying the attention of both men........be honest. No offence but whats it going to take for you to wise up before its too late.

 

You have been given some excellent advice here and as umpteen people have posted you need to go NC with the OM or risk losing your husband. If I were your husband I would show you the door, as the OM is welcome to you, you deserve each as you ARE NOT showing the commitment I deserve. For f$"& sake wake up before your husband throwing you out becomes a reality.

[troubadour]

... and the world has held its breath as the drama continues...

[anne1707]

... and the world has held its breath as the drama continues...

 

Oh, how I just love a bit of sarcasm.

 

I know this is not a big deal to anybody else. But strangely the problems in my life are a big deal to me. And yes, I know I am making a mess of things. I know I am being weak and I know my actions/inaction could lead to the end of my marriage. My problem. Not yours.

[carhill]

Others opinions of you do not define you. Your reality is within yourself. I hope the feedback you've received here has helped in some small way. The fact that it is on your mind reflects on how much you value relationships and people. It'll all work out. One day at a time

[imagine]

I just want to remind you that your husband is allowing his "giver" side to work overtime as you work through your emotions for the other man. At some point his "taker" will need to be satisfied. Prepare yourself for this. His demonstrative venting is an example. You are doing marvelously by sharing with your H those daily trials with such honesty.

 

We have already been over the details of NC as an option. Consider approaching the company's HR dept. for possible solutions. Weigh very seriously striking ALL future contact with OM forever against the success of the marriage.

 

I think that you can see that we are all rooting for you and your marriage. Bear with us, we are frustrated onlookers, watching but unable to participate.

[troubadour]

So what is it exactly that you expect from posting on this forum... except for the attention? Is there anything constructive in it?

 

If you read your last posts you will realise that at this point you are at the stage of begining to justify reasuming your affair with your OM in the future. With every post you go a litte farer and farer. It means that in your mind you have already decided that you want to continue your affair wheather you want to admit it or not. I can perfectly understand this part... but why all this BS about your marriage and your husband...? I can assure you that your OM will eagerly jump at this opportunity of getting together with you. There no question about it... after all he is not just OM... he is also an ex-cuckold husband with "slightly" shredded ego. I guess for him f...ing with your life, and especially your marriage, has quite therapeutical effect... in his mind he has this vivid picture of his ex-wife in bed with another man... how extatic she was when this "OM" was on the top of her and giving it to her really hard... and your OM knows that she was never like this with him. And these visions will never go away so he deals with them the best he can... by f...ing with married women. But somehow you prefer to look at him as... "best of friends and best of lovers".

[anne1707]

What do I want from this forum? As much as anything, it is giving me a chance to express how I feel, questions, doubts, whatever they may be so that I don't just bottle it all up.

 

I have never denied that I still love the OM. That would be naive and would not allow me a realistic means of dealing with how I feel and getting past that. Whilst part of me would probably jump at the chance to resume the affair I know that would mean the end of my marriage so it is not an option.

 

Troubadour's thoughts on the OM and his first marriage are ones I have considered. It has occurred to me that as his wife was unfaithful, he wants to get some kind of revenge (consciously or not). I probably added to his frustration because I would not leave my husband when he asked. So now he is going to work on another married woman.

 

This also demonstrates something else I get from the forum. It helps me focus on the harm the OM has caused and see the negative aspects of a relationship with him.

 

I know I need to be stronger about NC however it really is impossible for there to be no contact whatsoever because of the nature of our respective jobs where we work. As for looking for another job, it just so happens I am completing an application form this afternoon.

[stillafool]

You say the OM was talking about marriage with you? How unrealistic since you are already married. The thing I don't understand about women like you is you go on and on about how in love you still are with the OM yet you chose to stay with your husband. How is this doing anything good for your husband. Why don't you women realize you don't love your husband, let them go for the many women out there who know how to treat a good man, and move on to an apartment (by yourself) and figure out who you want and go after him. Don't use a man for security, society and comfort when your heart and body pines to another man.

[carhill]

She's afraid. I hear this in her posts. Once she validates and processes that fear, she'll find a path to health. Fear means something matters. Find it out

[Ally Boo]

She's afraid. I hear this in her posts. Once she validates and processes that fear, she'll find a path to health. Fear means something matters. Find it out

 

great post

[anne1707]

And now I have my usual Sunday evening fear. What is going to happen at work tomorrow and can I cope with it.

[whichwayisup]

You CAN cope with it. You have to. Go into work mode and do your asolute best to keep busy. Don't go looking for him, seeking him out, making eye contact - NOTHING. If he needs to speak to you, be firm and professional but DO NOT stick around for small chat or any other type of non-work related chit chat.

 

Do NC in your mind while at work. Don't antisipate the "what if's".. That will just build up anxiety and make you worry more. If you see him the hallway, turn the other direction, take a different route. If he looks at you, walk the other way. Remember, you DO NOT OWE him ANY explanation. He knows what's what.

[carhill]

Good advice. NC really is a state of mind. Actions merely are a reflection of one's mental state.

 

OP, I know some of your fear/anxiety. It can leave you trembling. It ebbs and flows, sometimes without explanation. Bringing your emotions back within you really helps, as well as visualizing your behaviors. "Seeing" how silence sounds. Validating your own behavior without anticipating scenarios/behaviors of others. I have to tell you I've learned more tools for this within MC than I ever had developed on my own in the past. Not NC-specific tools; rather how to alter my behaviors and situational psychology while still acknowledging my perspective and feelings. I think, in part, this is what WWIU is alluding to.

 

One day at a time

[stillafool]

She's afraid. I hear this in her posts. Once she validates and processes that fear, she'll find a path to health. Fear means something matters. Find it out

 

Afraid of what Carhill?

[Untouchable_Fire]

And now I have my usual Sunday evening fear. What is going to happen at work tomorrow and can I cope with it.

 

It's not that bad!

 

It should be 100 times harder to look yourself in the mirror than deal with ex OM.

 

For me, the biggest hit was to who I had become as a person. I have a hard time understanding where your emotional issues are coming from. You choose who you feel for. If you can't choose your husband then leave him.

 

That is the one thing I learned.

[carhill]

Afraid of what Carhill?

Maybe she'll tell us. My educated guess is fundamental change; secondarily, loss of stability. Uncertainty and the resultant fear of the unknown is a powerful motivator.

[anne1707]

Things I am afraid of?

• making the biggest mistake of my life thus lose my husband
  
• hurting my husband even more than I have already
  
• being alone
  
• not falling out of love with the OM
  
• my husband and I not fully resolving problems in our relationship
  
• falling back into old habits that led to this in the first place
  
• possible future affairs (whether it's me or my husband)
  
• messing up my job because of OM
  
• letting OM play me (he's still acting as more than just a work colleague)
  
• believing OM wants me when he says thats not the case (yet still being flirty with me)
  
• not being able to do NC
  
• making a fool of myself
  
• loss of self-respect
  

That's probably just for starters.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Things I am afraid of?

• making the biggest mistake of my life thus lose my husband
  
• hurting my husband even more than I have already
  
• being alone
  
• not falling out of love with the OM
  
• my husband and I not fully resolving problems in our relationship
  
• falling back into old habits that led to this in the first place
  
• possible future affairs (whether it's me or my husband)
  
• messing up my job because of OM
  
• letting OM play me (he's still acting as more than just a work colleague)
  
• believing OM wants me when he says thats not the case (yet still being flirty with me)
  
• not being able to do NC
  
• making a fool of myself
  
• loss of self-respect
  

That's probably just for starters.

 

Ok, lets tackle these in order.

 

1. You already lost your Husband. Just because he is there physically doesn't mean he is emotionally. Now you need to choose if you want him back. The longer you let this OM jerk you around emotionally the less chance you will ever have him back.

2. How can you hurt your Husband more? I'd like to know what your thinking when you say this.

3. You need to be comfortable being alone. Otherwise you will never have internal peace.

4. You choose to love or not to love. If you choose your husband the OM will go away. Do you honestly believe that you have no control over your feelings?

5. I would also fear that you don't resolve the issues in your marriage. I would make my choice assuming that things never get better. Would you still want to be married to him then?

6. Falling into old habits is easy... you both need to have communication and be willing to work at it.

7. Future affairs are 100% within your control. Why would you fear something that is totally within your hands to choose?

8. Your job is already messed up! You should be looking for a new one. Also, you need to keep a low profile until you can find one. Don't make waves.

9. You've already been played. Plus you seem desperate to believe he loves or loved you. That's a lost cause... he sounds like me... so trust me when I say he doesn't love you. Not in the way you want. You choose whether he can play you again or not!

10. He does want you, but not as much more than a booty call. Believing otherwise is pathetic and desperate.

11. NC is much easier than you may think, and it gets much easier with time. You just need to do it.

12. Again... too late. You traded someone who values you as a person for someone who values you as an object.

13. You need to regain self respect. I fear you never really had that much. What makes you special as a person?

[carhill]

Excellent posts and thanks to the OP for her honesty.

 

I can comment on NC. It will, properly done, provide a completely different perspective of the person in question. It really will. It's a fundamental change in how the brain processes the information and how emotions are formed as a result of the stimulus.

 

That's not to say you still won't be anxious and afraid, but you'll find your H and M will be at the forefront, and the OM will be at a far distance, barely visible. If you must have contact with him at work, view that time in comparison to the totality of your time. It's minimal, hence minimally important Maximize the importance of the other parts of your life. That's a cognitive choice....

[Chrome Barracuda]

You can't have both Anne!!!

 

...Either crap or get off the pot!!!