carhill Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 The indifference part is so important, as it allows reflection and openness to change in oneself It doesn't matter where the OM is. He's irrelevant. That's what indifference means.
Author anne1707 Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 The indifference part is so important, as it allows reflection and openness to change in oneself It doesn't matter where the OM is. He's irrelevant. That's what indifference means. I can't argue with you on that. I know whilst he can upset or hurt me then I am too emotionally involved. It is just so hard when I have to work with him. That walk we had last night brought back memories and this morning I ended up having a 3 hour meeting with him. It feels like there is no escape.
carhill Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Remember, every minute of every day is a choice.... Once you start controlling your destiny instead of reacting to what comes at you, you'll see clearly what I mean. "Can't" should not be in your vocabulary. Lose the "t"
troubadour Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 anne1707... you are like a child You are asking how your affair will resume... it is very simple... a week or two from now, when things cool down a little, you will have a short work related conversation with your OM. Than the next day you will have another one except for this time it will be a bit longer. And after that there will be next one and this time you will feel even more confortable around your OM. Actually it will feel even nice to talk to him again... quite nice. From this point on you will start looking for excuses to talk to him again. An than you two will slowly start taking on more personal level... you will tell him how hurt you were and he will replay that he never intended to do it. Situations like this are very predictible... people are usually not original or creative. And admit, anne1707, that this is exactly what you want to hear. It will happen in quite natural way... just like going for a walk with him the other day. You wanted to go for a walk with him, didn't you. I can understand this part but why kidding yourself. When you two went for a walk you were hopeing that something would happen... would you have pushed him away if he had made a pass at you? And lets be realistic about the situation... the guy wants your magnificent pussy back and you are looking for an excuse to give it back to him. Like someone said it above it is a cycle... always unfinished business. I believe that your husband is aware of what is going on but I doubt he realise how deeply attached you are to your OM. And he does not know that you do not want to close the door to your relationship with OM... and this is not fair. Just my $0.02 again.
carhill Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Don't give me too much credit. Read my journals. Long experience and many, many mistakes give me some perspective. Wisdom, I don't know. Hopefully, peace, soon
Author anne1707 Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Up until last night, I really did think I was getting my head round this. Not so stupid as to think I had no feelings but I thought I was getting over him. Now it all seems such a mess again and I really don't want this. OM is destructive and will only mess me around. Even in the meeting today he maintained eye contact longer than necessary. It is as if when he is off-guard, he likes me but when on-guard he goes cold and unpleasant. And he acts as if he is badly treated and I am unreasonable for being upset. I want to look to the future with my husband but I also don't want to mess him around any more than I have already. He deserves so much better than me. Hopefully one day I can justify his patience.
Lookingforward Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Up until last night, I really did think I was getting my head round this. Not so stupid as to think I had no feelings but I thought I was getting over him. Now it all seems such a mess again and I really don't want this. OM is destructive and will only mess me around. Even in the meeting today he maintained eye contact longer than necessary. It is as if when he is off-guard, he likes me but when on-guard he goes cold and unpleasant. And he acts as if he is badly treated and I am unreasonable for being upset. I want to look to the future with my husband but I also don't want to mess him around any more than I have already. He deserves so much better than me. Hopefully one day I can justify his patience. If you still HAVE to work with him, even if you're not indifferent to him yet, pretend you are - fake it until you make it so............
Author anne1707 Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 If you still HAVE to work with him, even if you're not indifferent to him yet, pretend you are - fake it until you make it so............ That was what I was trying to do and it felt as if it was working until all those memories flooded back. And now because I have lost my temper with him, I feel yet more humiliated because of being so weak and letting him hurt me.
carhill Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Hopefully one day I can justify his patience. Your time is shorter than you know. I hope you make some wise choices in the coming days. You may not truly know how H feels right now; he may be detaching as we speak. Don't take anything for granted. Once the fog lifts, this will all become clear. I wish I could put this into words which have meaning, but it's hard to convey it from a male perspective.
Author anne1707 Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 I realise that my husband has his limits. I have hurt him very badly and every day that he sees me thinking about the OM, brings our marriage closer to ending. That is why I am desperate to get over OM so I don't lose the best man I could ever have in my life.
bish Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Seeing as I have now told OM that I would not take him back if he asked because of the way he has treated me and that I think he is pathetic for moving on to another married woman, how can this then be taken as the affair is about to start again.. Because you fail to grasp the concept of NC and how important it is to your M and your husband.
Author anne1707 Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Hopefully next week I will be able to manage NC as much as I can within a work environment. I do not want to carry on like this. It's just exhausting both physically and emotionally. It also has to be done so that we don't end up arguing or causing a scene at work. I hate that this is causing yet more damage to my marriage when it is already so fragile.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Sorry to be harsh. I have been betrayed and it is the most devastaing thing that has ever happened to me. Neither you or your lover know each other. How do you even respect each other when you know what the other is capable of. Drop either your lover or your husband. You want both, dont you. Well you can't have your cake and eat it too. You took an oath and you should be ashamed of yourself. If your mother is alive, ask her for her opinion. If she is not with you anymore, pray to her and ask her for guidance. When a woman cheats on a man, it is almost the most devating thing he can endure. Prisons are filled with men who kill over this!
cyabye Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Sorry to be harsh. I have been betrayed and it is the most devastaing thing that has ever happened to me. Neither you or your lover know each other. How do you even respect each other when you know what the other is capable of. Drop either your lover or your husband. You want both, dont you. Well you can't have your cake and eat it too. You took an oath and you should be ashamed of yourself. If your mother is alive, ask her for her opinion. If she is not with you anymore, pray to her and ask her for guidance. When a woman cheats on a man, it is almost the most devating thing he can endure. Prisons are filled with men who kill over this! Amen. I have the scars and wounds (that are healing) to prove it is the most devastating and total disregard of respect on any level. A quote from the movie "The General's Daughter" by John Travolta. "What's worse than rape?" "Betrayal." To all the women who want their cake and eat it too, I hope you choke on it! No bitterness here. cyabye
bish Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Hopefully next week I will be able to manage NC as much as I can within a work environment. I do not want to carry on like this. It's just exhausting both physically and emotionally. It also has to be done so that we don't end up arguing or causing a scene at work. I hate that this is causing yet more damage to my marriage when it is already so fragile. So are you actively looking for another job now?
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 Lets be serious Anne, your getting a blast from all this attention. And unlike Chrome and others who might say you were a victim, they are wrong. YOU were the one who stepped out of your marriage. It does not matter if your husband had an affair 7 years ago or not. YOU chose to forgive him and stay with him. So, once you did that, your vows once again came into full enforcement. I am not hear to sympathize with you. I don't care if you think you are getting what you deserve. The fact is that you are not getting what you deserve. You are happy with your situation. You get a perverse pleasure in hurting your husband, another man, and yourself. This is why you did not wish to leave the place where your affair partner works at. This is why you come here and talk about how hurt you feel that a man who owes nothing to you is moving on. You are here to get a fix of something, what it is I don't know, but it is obvious YOU need to have professional help to deal with whatever problems for attention you are having. DNR
LifesontheUp Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 It has always been him I have turned to when I needed someone. He is my strength. He is a very kind, loving man who wants to look after me and protect me (even now). When he held me in his arms, it felt like the right place to be. I don’t want to keep hurting him and I know that our marriage cannot take many more nights like last night. So please. Whatever it may be. Criticism or advice to get me through this. But it wasn't your husband you turned to was it?..........you went back to your OM but never got what you wanted from him and then went home to your husband. Yet again your husband plays second fiddle! You are playing a very dangerous game for a grown woman. You are trying to kid yourself or us that its your husband you really want........but everything you do or say point to the OM. My apologies if I am coming off harsh but I am starting to agree with original posters that said you would have been off with the OM if he hadn't have found someone else. If there is any truth in this please let your husband go, stop continuing to be selfish. Set your husband free to find someone who will not hurt him in the most despicable way as you are continuing to do. Stop cake eating and do the right thing. You CAN make a decision and stick to it. If people can give up smoking cause their life is at risk, then surely you can give up contact with your OM to save your marriage. Is your marriage important enough to you, thats the question.......I am not sure it really is.
LifesontheUp Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I went back and read your post number 43. I also see someone who is upset that she doesn't have her OM exactly where she wants him.....doing as she wants. If he had grabbed you, kissed you and asked you to still be with him, what would you have done? Be honest with yourself when you answer that question. I think you want to have your husband and your OM.........you are behaving like a cake eater.
Lookingforward Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I went back and read your post number 43. I also see someone who is upset that she doesn't have her OM exactly where she wants him.....doing as she wants. If he had grabbed you, kissed you and asked you to still be with him, what would you have done? Be honest with yourself when you answer that question. I think you want to have your husband and your OM.........you are behaving like a cake eater. Of course she would have...there was absolutely NO reason they needed to "take a walk as they were early for the meeting" LOL
Author anne1707 Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 OK. I knew I would get criticism but not that much. So much to respond to there too. This will be mixed up but here goes. The time we set off for the meeting was HIS idea. It was also HIS idea to go for a walk round the site. But yes I know that it reminded me of past times when we would have kissed. I wish it hadn't. However whenever I am low, it really is my husband that I turn to. He gives me strength to get through whatever it might be. Even if he is just holding me in his arms. Choosing to forgive my husband after his affair? It was years ago but it was only 2 years ago that I found out that they had sex - he denied that at the time. That came out when we went through MC (I know this is something I have not mentioned before but it does make both my husband and I aware of how we need to talk to each other now). In MC, it also became clear how I had still not fully learnt to cope with his affair. A shock to us both. Looking for a job? Yes I am. However I have to give six months notice so this is never going to be a quick process.
Lookingforward Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 OK. I knew I would get criticism but not that much. So much to respond to there too. This will be mixed up but here goes. The time we set off for the meeting was HIS idea. It was also HIS idea to go for a walk round the site. But yes I know that it reminded me of past times when we would have kissed. I wish it hadn't. However whenever I am low, it really is my husband that I turn to. He gives me strength to get through whatever it might be. Even if he is just holding me in his arms. Choosing to forgive my husband after his affair? It was years ago but it was only 2 years ago that I found out that they had sex - he denied that at the time. That came out when we went through MC (I know this is something I have not mentioned before but it does make both my husband and I aware of how we need to talk to each other now). In MC, it also became clear how I had still not fully learnt to cope with his affair. A shock to us both. Looking for a job? Yes I am. However I have to give six months notice so this is never going to be a quick process. So you don't have a mind of your own, STILL ? So answer me this, what happens if he gets it in his head to have the IDEA you should get it on again, hmmm?
Author anne1707 Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 If he asks that then I want to say no. He would be a disaster and I do know that before the the last couple of weeks, I would never have left my husband
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 What do you want us to say and feel Anne? You want us to understand what you are going through? We do. We understand you were hurt in the past. But, just like a those who abuse others are shown little sympathy for past abuses, how can we show sympathy for you when you are using your past pain to justify what you are doing now? What kind of answer can we give you? Or maybe you would like a virtual hug. You tell us what you want and I am sure there are plenty of posters here willing to do that for you. DNR
Author anne1707 Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 I have never blamed my husband for me having an affair. Both affairs are symptoms of problems in our marriage. Virtual hug? Not deserved. I know my behaviour, actions, feelings, etc have resulted in the mess I am now in. Answers I want? Sometimes it is the criticism and then it can be the support. Definitely mixed up at the moment.
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