How do I get over this?

[imagine]

Hey Anne

 

The withdrawal feelings are quite normal. You may go into a depression and this will affect your husband. Check out the marriage builder website for professional insights.

 

I volunteer that a definition for love is that of a commitment to care regardless of appearances whereas infatuation based solely on a feeling. Occasionally these two collide and that is wonderful. It seems to me that your husband may well have both. From your description this does not sound like repaying the debt of his own indiscretion.

 

I repeat - Check out the MB site. This site could have been tailor made for you!

[bish]

You can see my earlier post for background but basically I am trying to deal with the end of an affair. I want to make my marriage work but I need to deal with my feelings for the OM.

 

Why do you want the marriage to work after already deciding earlier that you were going to leave your H for the OM? Is it only because the OM backed off?

 

Really, why do you want your marriage to work?

 

 

Four weeks ago, I said I could not leave my husband so we stopped seeing each other. But we work together and right up until the point when I said I would leave my husband to be with him, he was encouraging me to do that eg sending me texts saying he wanted to spend his life with me, telling me he loved me. He then tells me has subsequently met someone else and that he loves her.

 

Is this the only reason you want your marriage to now work? Because he found someone else?

 

 

In hindsight, I realised he used exactly the same words as me in telling me he could not give me what I wanted. Though in the time all this was coming out, he told me that he had only that week opted not to do something as it would mean he would not be able to see me as much and he kissed me.

 

Trying to get through work this week has been terrible. He refuses to talk about us though will be quite pleasant if talking work or anything else. He knows I still love him and yesterday he was obviously happy to see me and told me I looked lovely when we were alone. Yet when I responded, he told me I was making him uncomfortable at work. His behaviour at times has almost been as if he is the one who has been hurt this week, not me.

 

Why does he encourage me to leave to be with him and then say he can't do it? How can he love someone else so quickly? Only 3/4 days earlier he was telling me he loved me and that was when he and I were not seeing each other. Why does he say/do things which even now indicate that he still loves me? And then get upset when I reciprocate. I even suspect that this new woman is also married.

 

How do I get over this? What is he trying to do?

 

For someone that claims they want their marriage to work, I see too much concern about the OM and NOTHING for your husband.

 

I don't think you really want your marriage to work at all. I think you simply want the other man. Only one problem....the OM now has found someone else it seems. So now your husband is playing 2nd fiddle to some other man. Gee, not real fair to him is it?

 

Since you obviously didn't care enough about your H to even give him a mention in your post and all your concern was with the other man, again, why do you even want to keep your marriage? Why not get a divorce?

[bish]

My husband does know actually.

 

And his reaction to all of this?

 

 

And yes, I feel terrible about what I have done to him. I don't deserve another chance but he is prepared to give me one.

 

Well you certainly don't deserve one because all of your energy in this thread is directed at the OM with hardly any mention of your H. Only time you mention your H is when you are asked about him and you keep it VERY short, then immediately turn your attention back to the OM.

 

Does your husband realize he is 2nd fiddle to this guy?

 

 

He is showing amazing strength of character throughout all of this and it leaves me feeling ashamed.

 

I want my marriage to work.

 

Again, why?

[anne1707]

I am being incredibly honest with my husband even to the extent that he knows I am using an internet forum.

 

He also knows that I don't look upon him as second best even though on the surface it might appear so. The OM is a complete amd utter s**t who is now working on another married woman to screw up her life. I am appalled that I gave him so much of me.

 

As for my husband, I love him heart and soul. We have been out tonight and he has just fallen alseep next to me, snoring away. This is whilst he knows I am involved in a forum somewhere on the internet. He knows I am, how can I put it, purging my soul, and he will wait for now. I look at him now and all I feel is love. He is not second best and never will be. I am the luckiest woman for finding this man. He is my strength. I have always been quiet in talking about how I feel about him because it means I have to expose myself. He is just the most amazing person and I do not deserve him. I cannot imagine life without him. It would be unbearable.

[luvstarved]

Oh my. This is so classic. It is so hard for a woman's ego to really believe that she has been hypnotized by an emotional vampire. I have known a few women in As and it is very typical to want to cling to this notion that there was some love involved. He seemed so sincere, the way he looked at you, the desires he expressed, the cosmic sex...wtf?

 

Chances are he is a serial adulterer. I can explain the last few weeks of him running hot and cold. It's called jerking you around for sport. He does not want you any more, but wants you to continue to want him, because that feels good to him. Note the term emotional vampire: a sociopathic type who has no real feelings of their own, so they suck them out of other people...

 

Your H sounds like a prince for hanging in with you, but then, he has been in a similar boat so perhaps has lingering contrition or maybe he genuinely loves you, understands and wants to make it work.

 

I don't think it is the OM that is keeping your head in those 3 years. I think it is much more the unwillingness to accept that it was all unreal, a fantasy on your part, that there never really was any romance from his side of it. Where you have emotionally invested so much, you seek some validation that this relationship had some merit and that your instincts were accurate in reading the situation.

 

OOOOPS! Sorry. You were played, big time. I know it is very hurtful to realize it. I have been there and it nearly killed me.

 

It was a big mistake that went on for a loooooong time. But...you need to stay aware of that and do your best to go NC with the OM. Forget what he is up to now and what he means. Feel sorry for his next victim and move on. If you have to deal with him, keep it professional and if he tries to have any other personal conversation, cut it off ... don't get emotional, just say you've nothing to say about all that and are not interested in anything he has to say.

 

Unless and until he has another reliable source of emotional energy to drain, it is likely that he will continue to circle back to you now and again. Don't feed him.

 

Feed your husband.

[anne1707]

I don't think it is the OM that is keeping your head in those 3 years. I think it is much more the unwillingness to accept that it was all unreal, a fantasy on your part, that there never really was any romance from his side of it. Where you have emotionally invested so much, you seek some validation that this relationship had some merit and that your instincts were accurate in reading the situation.

.

 

 

I think this is so true. Over the last few weeks, he has played a very nasty game with me with no explanations and yes the woman he is now seeing is also married. I feel so sorry for her because he his just going to mess her life up too. I did think what he and I had was real and he had always seemed to be genuine and, if anything, more involved than I was. To try telling me that it was a clean break and that he feels absolutely nothing for me but to then manipulate me the way he has shows him as somebody who is unable to really love someone and to see the truth in their actions. To say he can't remember texting me is ridiculous (especially as he continued to text me even after that one about spending his life with me).

 

I feel as if he has betrayed me and what I thought we had together. I do wonder how long it would have lasted if I had left my husband on one of the many occasions he asked. To have put my marriage as risk for such a man is stupid. I know I should never have had the affair but it was never just some fling to me, I thought it was real.

 

 

I do want to shout and scream at him and tell him what I really think of him but what good will that do. I am doing my best not to humiliate myself further and to try and keep the working relationship professional. I am also fighting the urge to warn her of what he is like because I know that whilst I do genuinely feel sorry her and am concerned that if she has kids that they will also get hurt (whilst he keeps his at a safe distance from all his game playing), I know that really I cannot do that because there are still other reasons why I might do that. I know that in some ways I view her as the other woman in my relationship with him.

 

Before I went to work on Monday, I said to my husband that I felt I was waiting for the OM to either do/say something to try and hurt me further or to try and say it was all a mistake, etc and please take me back. I was right in that he went for the first option by telling me he felt nothing when there was really no need for him to do that as this was in a conversation when I was telling him that OK he had hurt me but I wanted to move on from that and get on with my life.

 

I still would not be surprised however if in a few weeks, if she comes to her senses and he cannot "play" her, if he tries making another move on me. (And to to then drop me again if I am stupid enough to fall for it).

 

I am doing my best to move on from this and yes it is made harder because I see him every day and contact at work is inevitable. It is a small team and I am trying to avoid creating an atmosphere for the benefit of colleagues who work with us. If I have a particularly tough time when at work, I call my husband. I am trying to rebuild those bonds between us and ensure my husband knows what is going on. My husband is a real man, who is capable of genuine and lasting love. I want that and will work on rebuilding our marriage as I can see that this is what really matters and will make me happy in the long term. I know that he may never feel as if he can trust me again and that is fair under the circumstances but I am doing my utmost to be honest with him.

 

We may not be able to work this out and split up but if we do that, it will be because he and I decide that is the best thing for us and not because of the interference of the OM. My focus is on making my marriage work and making my husband happy. If we can work through our problems then we could have something very special together.

[luvstarved]

I do wonder how long it would have lasted if I had left my husband on one of the many occasions he asked. .

 

Perfect example. He NEVER wanted you to leave your H. He only wanted you to SAY you would. It would have lasted the two minutes it took him to explain at that point that he had no feelings for you anymore and could not really recall ever saying that he did. Then tell you with a bemused face that he is sorry if he hurt or misled you.

 

I do want to shout and scream at him and tell him what I really think of him but what good will that do. .

 

It will feed him. Emotional vampires aren't fussy, negative emotions are as tasty as positive ones...

 

(I was thinking about this earlier and it's funny but the only thing I have ever seen cure these womanizing soul-sucking beasts is to find religion. I can't explain that but I have seen it happen several times.)

 

Anyway for all concerned, including your dignity, your best internal and external stance toward him is one of indifference. Work on that.

 

Have you considered MC for you and your H?

 

Good luck...

[anne1707]

We actually talked about the possibility of counselling only last night so it is an option. We are also trying to talk about what has happened and are doing a pretty good job so far of opening up to each other (and not arguing about it either).

 

I am also doing my best not to give in to the OM's games anymore in terms of discussing us, telling him how I feel, etc any more. Though I do worry that if he and I get on OK at work and if the new woman stops seeing him then he may think that I am worth another go. The way he has gone from one extreme to the other with me alternately makes me think that this is a possibility. I hope I can deal with that if it happens.

[troubadour]

anne1707,

 

I can assure you that your OM will try to have another go with you. There is no question about it. He will just want to see if he can pull it again. I am sure that a sexual aspect of it is also very appealing to him.

It will start with friendly work related relationship and every day it will go a step further.... and soon you will find yourself too weak to resist another round. That being said I am aware that you can not quit your job.

 

I also think that you would benefit from IC much more at this point than you and your husband would benefit from MC. I do not think that MC would help too much at this stage because the level of confusion which you display is alarming. Talk to a professional about this as soon as you can. It will help you to sort out things.

 

Anne1707, I do not want to sound like some of the posters on this forum who jump to bush you at every opportunity they can get... after all it is your life and you do with it what you want... but when I read your posts I somehow get impression that you still have not given up completely on your OM. When you claim that you are just trying to maintain a professional relationship with him at work I think you are trying to delude yourself once again. It appears that deep down you are scared that if you take a more resolute stand agaist him it would close the door pernamently and you are not really ready to do it.

 

Have you ever considered an idea of your husband taking to your OM. I do not mean getting violent I am talking about telling OM to leave you alone. I can assure you it would help. You are not strong enough to deal with it on your own over an extended period of time and I think you are aware of it. It is true what the poster above wrote about relationship which you had your OM but it does not mean that you should let him walk over you like he is doing now. You have to stand up for yourself or else he will go further and further... and the end you will find yourself again in his bad in spread eagle position with your legs high in the air and him thrusting deep. If he has something to thrust deep.

 

I would like to clear one more thing for you, anne1707. You are incorrect stating that yout OM is screwing another married woman life right now. It is simply not true. He is screwing another married woman now... but not her life. The married woman is screwing her life and a life of her children. She has made a choice to have EMR and she takes full responsibility how it is going to affect herself and her family. I have no desire to defend your OM in any way but lets be fair here... she is an adult and she conciously decided to take this opportunity. And I do not think that all EMR's are necessarily bed thing... I think some of them are quite justified by circumstancies. But if someone decides to have an EMR... he/she takes full responsibility for it regardles of circumstancies.

 

I hope that at the end you will be fine and that I did not sound too harsh.

 

I would strongly advice you to seek professional help and I do think that your husband should have a short conversation with your OM and to tell him to leave you alone. Just my $0.02.

[anne1707]

It would be naive of me to think I have no feelings for the OM and was no longer attracted to or interested in him but I am doing my best to deal with those feelings and get on with my life. I have to see him every day and we do get on but I remind myself what he has done over the last few weeks and stop myself from saying or doing anything I shouldn't. We are both acting as purely work colleagues.

 

As for my husband talking to him, I don't think that would work - not in respect of the OM backing off but at the moment my H is understandably angry and may be tempted to do something which would only make the situation worse.

 

When my husband and I talked about counselling, it was not just MC we considered and I will give some thought to the idea of IC. I know I am still confused about many things. This is going to be a slow painful process for us and we will take advantage of any support we can get.

[troubadour]

You are still interersted in your OM?

 

I have to admit that I don't understand... you are 100000% comited to making your marriage work and you are still interested in him.

[anne1707]

The feelings for OM can't just go overnight but they have changed. I wamt my marriage to work and that means it is over with OM.

[bish]

I am being incredibly honest with my husband even to the extent that he knows I am using an internet forum.

 

He also knows that I don't look upon him as second best even though on the surface it might appear so.

 

It more than just appears so. You give very little consideration to your husband when making your original posts and only talk about him when ask, and all your attention is on the other man.

 

Sorry, your husband IS 2nd fiddle.

 

 

The OM is a complete amd utter s**t who is now working on another married woman to screw up her life. I am appalled that I gave him so much of me.

 

And you still are giving him so much of you. Again, so much concern and attention for this triflin' OM, and very little for your H.

 

 

As for my husband, I love him heart and soul. We have been out tonight and he has just fallen alseep next to me, snoring away. This is whilst he knows I am involved in a forum somewhere on the internet. He knows I am, how can I put it, purging my soul, and he will wait for now.

 

I hate to say it, but he is a pushover. that and very naive. Thats not a stab at him, my sympathies lie with him completely.

 

 

I look at him now and all I feel is love. He is not second best and never will be.

 

you only saying this now because we mentioned it? you didn't give him one iota of consideration in your original posts.

 

 

I am the luckiest woman for finding this man. He is my strength. I have always been quiet in talking about how I feel about him because it means I have to expose myself. He is just the most amazing person and I do not deserve him. I cannot imagine life without him. It would be unbearable.

 

Maybe that is what needs to happen to wake you up.

[bish]

Oh, and another note. You need to find another job. It is unacceptable and disrespectful to you husband for you to be even in the mere vicinity of this OM.

[anne1707]

In response to bish:

 

I want my marriage to work because I love my husband. I know that whilst my head is in a mess at the moment, throughout the affair up until a couple of weeks ago I never wanted to leave him. Even during the last weeks, I can now see that when I talked of leaving him, it was panic and not really thought out.

 

Regarding concern for the OM, it would be stupid of me to believe I had no feelings for him or that he hadn't treated me so unfairly recently. I have to face these facts and deal with them.

 

My husband is not a pushover - I think he is incredibly strong and I respect him for this. Compared to OM, he shows real love and the commitment needed in a long term relationship. And yes, of all involved in this, he is the innocent party.

 

In my earlier posts, I know the focus was more on OM but I have also been using these posts to deal with my feelings and get insight not just from the responses of others but also my thoughts on questions raised. There is ofcourse also what is actually happening between my husband, OM and myself which is influencing me. Every day some more sense is knocked into me and I can see where I really belong. I have never stopped loving my husband. I also feel as if I can't win in response to this point because if I start saying how much he means to me then all you will say is that I have only done that because prompted.

 

And yes, I am waking up to what I have done and how incredibly lucky I am to be given another chance with my husband.

 

As for moving jobs. Seriously it really is not as easy as that. I have a contractual obligation to the company plus we would probably not be able to afford to pay the mortgage. On top of all the other problems we have, that kind of financial pressure would be disasterous. I am looking for another job and have asked OM to do the same.

[bish]

As for moving jobs. Seriously it really is not as easy as that. I have a contractual obligation to the company plus we would probably not be able to afford to pay the mortgage.

 

Nobody says it will be easy, but you look for another job regardless and wait out whatever this contractual obligation is. And I know it isn't feasible to quit a job until another one is lined up, so I don't even suggest that.

 

But you look for one just the same when this obligation is up.

[anne1707]

I know that I am going to get criticised for this but here goes.

 

The OM and I had to go to a meeting together for work last night. We got there early so went for a walk round the site we were visiting. Because I was wearing high heels, I had to walk on the pavement (it is narrow with cobblestones either side). However he also walked on the pavement so we were very close with our arms often brushing against each other. After about 10 minutes or so of this, it was as if he realised what had been happening and he moved away from me to walk on the cobblestones. Throughout all this, we only talked about work. It was all very relaxed and easy.

 

We then went to the meeting but I knew I was upset. The walk had reminded me of times I had with him in the past and how we would have loved that time together. At the end of the meeting, when I got to my car, I just burst into tears. Because I did not feel fit to drive at that stage, I went to see him hoping he would be able to make me feel a bit calmer (I don’t know how). He was still talking to somebody from the meeting so I had to pretend all was OK though I think OM could see I was not feeling so good. After the other person had left, I just told him that I had had a bad moment there and had come over to see him to catch my breath before going home.

 

I know all this was a mistake but please bear with me. The conversation only lasted a few minutes but during that time, I did say that I felt he had hurt me deliberately. He denied this and he said again that he could not remember sending me that text (complete nonsense in my opinion as he sent me more than one). I being a fool was trying to appease the situation and said that when he told me the other day that he had no feelings for me, I still didn’t believe him. I said that whilst his feelings had changed, he was a good man (did I really say that!). He told me he still cared about me and that he did not like seeing me hurt. We then said good night and I went home. I cried all the way.

 

I know he has just played me again. This is on top of him very clearly looking me up and down at work both yesterday and the day before showing he finds me physically attractive. I hate how much this has upset me because I really did think I was doing better than this. And yes, I do know I should have behaved differently.

 

My husband knows that the OM has upset me but he has remained strong. He actually held me and made me feel better though he is understandably hurt. In the end last night, I just wanted to get home and be with my husband. It has always been him I have turned to when I needed someone. He is my strength. He is a very kind, loving man who wants to look after me and protect me (even now). When he held me in his arms, it felt like the right place to be. I don’t want to keep hurting him and I know that our marriage cannot take many more nights like last night.

 

So please. Whatever it may be. Criticism or advice to get me through this.

[anne1707]

Well now its getting nasty between me and the OM. I have just told him what a nasty piece of work he is, that he is pathetic and needs to get a life. Not exactly conducive to a good working relationship but its all true.

[cyabye]

anne1707,

 

Trying not to sound so harsh but YOU JUST DON'T GET IT YET! You should have NO CONTACT with OM if you TRULY love your husband and mean what you say. I have no doubt now that you are truly still "IN LOVE" with OM and are using your husband as a safety net. With that being said, I have nothing further to say. You have received sound advice in this forum and you will do what you wish. I can almost bet good money if OM made a move while walking, you would have accepted fully.

 

cyabye

[troubadour]

I fully agree with cyabye... you are about to resume your affair with OM. It is just a matter of time.

[carhill]

I would agree. It's a cycle. I've done this. There's always unfinished business. As others have suggested, NC and working on yourself and your M (or ending it) is really the only healthy way. Life is about choice. *Everything* is a choice.... your job, your friends, who you talk to , what you do...everything. You choose what you want/need (don't confuse those two, btw) every minute of every day.

[bish]

anne1707,

 

Trying not to sound so harsh but YOU JUST DON'T GET IT YET! You should have NO CONTACT with OM if you TRULY love your husband and mean what you say. I have no doubt now that you are truly still "IN LOVE" with OM and are using your husband as a safety net. With that being said, I have nothing further to say. You have received sound advice in this forum and you will do what you wish. I can almost bet good money if OM made a move while walking, you would have accepted fully.

 

cyabye

 

I agree. And as far as her husband being loving and supportive, I think if he really knew what was going on, he wouldn't be so. And if he still is, then he is a fool.

 

I wonder if she has shown her husband this thread?

 

If so, I hope he understands that he needs to MAN UP!!!

 

I was starting to be more understanding and trying the tell her what she needed to do to make it right.

But as you said, she just doesn't get it. Her husband deserves much better.

[anne1707]

Seeing as I have now told OM that I would not take him back if he asked because of the way he has treated me and that I think he is pathetic for moving on to another married woman, how can this then be taken as the affair is about to start again.

 

The relationship between OM and I is as low as it can get, he is seeing someone else and I want to try and make my marriage work.

 

In addition whilst my husband has not seen this thread, he is very aware of what has been happening.

[Lookingforward]

Seeing as I have now told OM that I would not take him back if he asked because of the way he has treated me and that I think he is pathetic for moving on to another married woman, how can this then be taken as the affair is about to start again.

 

The relationship between OM and I is as low as it can get, he is seeing someone else and I want to try and make my marriage work.

 

In addition whilst my husband has not seen this thread, he is very aware of what has been happening.

 

Because you're ANGRY at the OM.....and the opposite of love isn't hate/anger...it's indifference, and you're not at that point yet.

[anne1707]

OK. I know I am not at that point yet but I am getting there. And isn't OM there already?