Owl Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 What you should have done was shut down that line of thinking as soon as it turned to OM's situation, rather than focusing on your own. Stop asking why...right now, focus on HOW. How do you rebuild your marriage? How do you get through until OM is completely out of your life? How do you rebuild your H's trust in you? How do you put good boundaries in place so that this doesn't happen again? Worry about the whys once you're further down the path. Its like medicine...if you spend too much time diagnosing the problem, the fever will kill the patient before you find your answer. Sometimes, you have to treat the symptoms first, so that the patient stays alive long enough for you to find the cause. Next time your mind starts going down the OM path...put a STOP to it. Here's a suggestion for some fun...go to youtube...do a search for Bob Newhart, and the words "stop it". Watch that video...picture an Owl sitting where Bob Newhart is at... :) :)
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 So here I am thinking my H and I have made some progress in the recovery process. It really has been so much better with NC. We have also been looking at His Needs/Her Needs (and yes some surprises but what was the biggest surprise was how our needs were virtually identical). Last night I started looking at a book (After the Affair I think it was called) and it discussed different types of affairs. I could see where mine pretty much fitted in to one of the types but then I found myself thinking what type of affair is the OM now having with this new woman? Will she leave her husband? Will that happen soon? If she moves in with the OM, how the hell do I cope with that? Does he really love her? Did he ever really love me? It's so stupid because I don't want to leave my H, my feelings for the OM have definitely changed and I would not want a life with him. But I still get these thoughts now and then and also wonder what if he changed his mind and asked to see me again. Would I say yes, or would I be strong enough to tell him to go **** himself? This is all useless thinking. It doesn't matter and you have to fight those thoughts and questions. It isn't your concern what the OM does or doesn't do. This is not productive, let alone helpful for YOUR recovery and letting go of the OM. He has hurt me too much for me to miss "him" but I miss the excitement and passion of the A. But that is not a real relationship. I'm glad that you see this and because you do see that, thinking of OM and asking questions like what you've been doing is totally pointless.
merlin2 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Are you maybe beginning to think you're like the married version of 'carrie bradshaw', and the OM is your Mr Big? The poor 'woman's' version of sex and the city?:-)
Author anne1707 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 Here's a suggestion for some fun...go to youtube...do a search for Bob Newhart, and the words "stop it". Watch that video...picture an Owl sitting where Bob Newhart is at... :) :) I get the message!
Author anne1707 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 Are you maybe beginning to think you're like the married version of 'carrie bradshaw', and the OM is your Mr Big? The poor 'woman's' version of sex and the city?:-) Hey less of the poor woman please! But I do have a thing for shoes.....
Author anne1707 Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 The OM was back in work yesterday and to be honest it did actually feel as if yes I could cope and that I had made a lot of progress whilst he was away and we had NC. I could talk to him without getting upset (even when he demonstrated some his now typical hypocrisy when complaining about someone he has accused of blatant lying - pot and kettle comes to mind). And I even felt as if I did not need Bob Newhart/Owl telling me to "Stop it". All was well until leaving the office. Definitely by chance as I left at my usual time but he and some others had worked late (I did not know) and they left the same time as me so we all ended up walking to the car park together. He and I ended up walking together but we just talked work. However I did ask him whether he was going to be on a social event on Friday night for which he and I are the only ones from our company who would normally attend. I wanted to know so I could decide whether to go. He told me that he would not be there and that he would be going to some big salsa dance event - that six of them had tickets to go. I know he met her at salsa and that this is probably the only time he sees her. I just snapped and walked off saying I did not want to hear about salsa. I know I should not have lost it and should have just let what he said pass and that this time he was not trying to wind me up. But it reminded me of his lies when he would text me after he had been with her at dancing lessons. (And it does seem a bit sad and a bit of a sleazy thing to do as a single middle aged man - going to salsa dance classes to find yoursefl a married woman whose husband is at home). My way of trying to cope about him and this new woman is to not think about them but him talking of salsa brought it out. I don't want to keep making a fool of myself like this but it also frustrates me that the OM does not see why I should be upset by what he has done and that he has done no wrong to me. I do stupid things like apologise to him if I snap at him or get upset yet he has not said once that he is sorry for all the pain he has caused me. He knows I am going through so much **** at home yet never asks how things are. He has washed his hands of me. I think I had forgotten through NC how much of a b****** he has been but I am remembering again.
LifesontheUp Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Your post above is the perfect reason why you should change your job and go NC with OM. But instead you are prolonging your husbands agony and your own. When are you going to wake up?.....when your husband gets sick and tired of it all and walks out the door? Where is your concern for your husband here? Why are you putting OM in his place by still continuing to work there? Don't be a fool any longer. Listen to what people are telling you and get another job before its too late.
Author anne1707 Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 Don't worry. I am actively looking for another job.
Owl Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Can you do ANYTHING to get out of this situation NOW, rather than later? Suggestions...next time you're walking out and realize he's in your group...go back for something you 'forgot'. Don't ask him about upcoming social events...JUST DON'T GO TO THEM. ANY contact is contact. Any contact is VERY damaging to your H, and greatly risks your marriage. Don't find reasons to engage him in conversation over ANYTHING...AT ALL. Don't find reasons to be near him...AT ALL. Is it possible that your boss could allow you to work from out of the office for a while? From home, or another remote location? You HAVE to get clear of this, NOW. If you don't...the risks are HUGE.
imagine Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Can you do ANYTHING to get out of this situation NOW, rather than later? Suggestions...next time you're walking out and realize he's in your group...go back for something you 'forgot'. Don't ask him about upcoming social events...JUST DON'T GO TO THEM. ANY contact is contact. Any contact is VERY damaging to your H, and greatly risks your marriage. Don't find reasons to engage him in conversation over ANYTHING...AT ALL. Don't find reasons to be near him...AT ALL. Is it possible that your boss could allow you to work from out of the office for a while? From home, or another remote location? You HAVE to get clear of this, NOW. If you don't...the risks are HUGE. Yep. The very fact that there is any sort of reaction from your part demonstrates your present unhealthy connection with OM. Remember the FIRST rule when dealing with the devil. - Don't.
Author anne1707 Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 My H and I had a massive argument last night. So stupid because it was actually over something we both agreed on that needs to be addressed in our relationship. We have made our peace but I feel so low because it showed how fragile we are. Still finding it hard not to cry and my eyes are all puffy and swollen from crying so much last night. I really do love him and want to put all this mess behind us. I am just counting the days before we go on holiday together and we can spend time alone without reminders of all this ****
LifesontheUp Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 My H and I had a massive argument last night. So stupid because it was actually over something we both agreed on that needs to be addressed in our relationship. We have made our peace but I feel so low because it showed how fragile we are. Still finding it hard not to cry and my eyes are all puffy and swollen from crying so much last night. I really do love him and want to put all this mess behind us. I am just counting the days before we go on holiday together and we can spend time alone without reminders of all this **** Your husband is going through the anger stage, it'll likely come and go for quite a while. I think its a good idea to get away with each other but don't expect it to miraculously cure your marriage. Your husband is still on his rollercoaster of emotion. Where are you at with counselling?
Author anne1707 Posted September 3, 2008 Author Posted September 3, 2008 The holiday will definitely not be a cure but it will give us a chance to spend time together without outside interference. I know it may also sometimes be a bit too intense to be together all the time at the moment and we have discussed that and will try and give each other space if needed. When we get back, we plan to start MC.
Owl Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Have you developed a PLAN for handling any further contact with OM? One that your H agrees with and supports?
soda Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Owl is right. You are facing too much a challenge in your current situation. Your H is eventually going to say "enough." By not ovehauling your situation, you are placing your marriage at extreme risk...for...um, what? The divorce will cost you your life, your reputation, and lots of money. It will take years for you to restore your good name. I'm not trying to be mean. To be honest, I really do care. You seem sincere about your attempt to do the right thing, which tells me something about you. Recovering lost integrity is tough. You can't do this anymore. There is no way to be "civil" to xOM without loading on more damage to a marriage you're trying to repair. You need to cut him entirely out of your life. I'm sorry. This means inconveniencing yourself for a while. But really, did you think that this would be easy? Rip OM out of your life. You will be happier, healthier, and better off in the long haul. Do you think your H (who presently is willing to work on the marriage) would rather have a paycut from you, or continue to deal with this situation? Can you do ANYTHING to get out of this situation NOW, rather than later? Suggestions...next time you're walking out and realize he's in your group...go back for something you 'forgot'. Don't ask him about upcoming social events...JUST DON'T GO TO THEM. ANY contact is contact. Any contact is VERY damaging to your H, and greatly risks your marriage. Don't find reasons to engage him in conversation over ANYTHING...AT ALL. Don't find reasons to be near him...AT ALL. Is it possible that your boss could allow you to work from out of the office for a while? From home, or another remote location? You HAVE to get clear of this, NOW. If you don't...the risks are HUGE.
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