troubadour Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 People... why do you lebel a women with whom the OM is having currently an affair as his next victim? She willingly decided to engage in an extra marrital affair with OM so why you look at her as a victim? He did not rape her. She is an adult and she should know what she is doing. The OM just wants to have his fun. She is responsible for her own stupidity... not the OM.
Author anne1707 Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 Confused? Puuulease. That is what people say to avoid admitting the truth. There was no "confusion". You did what you did because you wanted to. I have to say, the more you tell us what your husband apparantly said or feels, it sounds like you could have cut his penis off with a machete and he'd still say, "oh but I love her". I mean really, for a man to be told, "i would have left you for him", or more importantly, if you were truly disclosing everything, "I would have left you for him, but since he found another woman, you were my backup plan and now I want to stay with you because you were 2nd choice" and then want to work it out? What is to work out when you know you aren't #1 with your spouse? I still say he is in a fog and is in shock of his whole world being ripped apart. I was the same way until I started thinking more clearly. Contrary to what you may think, my husband is a very strong man and does stand up to me. Yes, his whole world has been ripped apart, as has mine. But we are trying to fix it because we both want to do that. He knows me better than anybody else and has seen my reactions, heard what I said and knows what I have done. He knows the confused state I was in and knows that he is not second best. He and I are also benefiting from the OM being on holiday. At last, proper NC and it really does make a difference not having to put up with the **** at work.
In Like Flynn Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Ultimately its up to the BS to decide after all the details whether or not he/she takes their wayward spouse back. I decided to take my wife back after her PA. I was lucky that my wife wasn't emotionally attached to the OM. She has driven the recovery bus and has done everything that I have needed. One thing I would not be able to handle is if my wife worked with the OM especially as close and you do with your OM. Given the feelings you still have for him, despite seeing the OM for what he is/was. Having a man who has sexual knowledge of my spouse is a deal breaker. To sit back and have my wife work with someone who constantly visually undresses her and has sexual flashbacks of her would drive me insane. The OM enjoys watching you react to his presense....it gives him power to know he has this effect on you. Deep down you must realise that this can't continue. Your marriage or your job as long as the OM is there.
Author anne1707 Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 Which is why I am going for a job interview on Thursday
imagine Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Has any of the comment and advice from us posters been significantly helpful to you in your situation?
Author anne1707 Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 Has any of the comment and advice from us posters been significantly helpful to you in your situation? Yes it has. It has enabled me to see my actions, those of OM and the feelings of my H in a different perspective, to see things for what they really are. I am (and probably always will be) a selfish person but this forum has helped me to see things from beyond my own point of view. It is not very "English" to open up and put yourself open to criticism but it has helped.
whichwayisup Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 I just thought of this, how is your HR department? Are they helpful? (Some companies the HR dept is more for management rather than for the employees) I ask this because now could be the time to ask for a leave of absense - Put even more distance between you and the OM, and to actively look for another job. Afew weeks apart while he's on holidays is great, but what happens when he returns? THAT is what you and your husband should be concerned about. Or, ask for a package (a buyout). How long have you been with this company? I'm just trying to help you with other options, I know you love your job and money is important which is why you just can't up and quit immediately, but in the longrun, the longer you stay at this job, the harder it will be on you and your husband. He may say he's dealing with you working with OM, but that's only because he's trying to be fair. Inside he is DYING and trying his hardest to trust you, to deal with knowing you see OM every single day, many times a day. Imagine if the situation was reversed and he had to work closely with his female co-worker (someone he had an A with) - I'm sure it will make you feel crazy, jealous, hurt, anger - You name it, it would be felt. Anyway, I do hope you two work through this and give your marriage a real shot.
bish Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Contrary to what you may think, my husband is a very strong man and does stand up to me. Yes, his whole world has been ripped apart, as has mine. But we are trying to fix it because we both want to do that. But you only wanted to fix it after the OM found another woman. THAT is the big problem. He knows me better than anybody else and has seen my reactions, heard what I said and knows what I have done. He knows the confused state I was in and knows that he is not second best. Your actions say otherwise. When you were ready to leave your husband for the OM, THAT made your husband 2nd best. Are you not seeing this? Only reason you aren't with the OM is he found someone else. 1
bish Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Ultimately its up to the BS to decide after all the details whether or not he/she takes their wayward spouse back. I decided to take my wife back after her PA. I was lucky that my wife wasn't emotionally attached to the OM. I disagree.......SHE is the one that is lucky. Lucky you didn't put her on the street.
Author anne1707 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 Well with the OM on holiday, I have had over a week of full NC and have another week to go. What is good is that I know there are no games he can play, that he cannot try to hurt me or be too nice and that I can just get on with my work. This is also making life at home so much easier. I am coming home in a better mood. There is nothing I have to tell my H and even better, my H knows that I have not seen or spoken to OM. My H and I have had a much better week and have made more progress in repairing the damage. It sounds silly but one evening I said that I just felt "normal" and it was lovely. He felt the same. The bad side of NC that has been hitting me just the last day or two though is that I am forgetting all the nasty, cruel things the OM has done to me and so just remember things from when we were together. It happens when I pass a restaurant we would go to or any other place we spent time together. It even happens when the football results are being announced. We would always text each other about how well or badly our respective teams played. So there I am remembering the good but not the bad and I end up missing him. I don't want this to happen. I know I want to be with my H and that he and I can be happy. I also know that if the OM had said yes to me leaving my H and to living with him, it would not have worked out and would have fallen apart very quickly. I need to be stronger, I need to remind myself of all the pain he has caused.
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 So there I am remembering the good but not the bad and I end up missing him See, this is a problem now. You are not doing NC in your mind. You're allowing yourself to remember, feel and think of the OM, what you shared with him, feeding your feelings along the way. You have to PUSH thoughts of him OUT of your mind and not allow yourself to take a trip down memorylane. Focus on your husband more.
Author anne1707 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 See, this is a problem now. You are not doing NC in your mind. You're allowing yourself to remember, feel and think of the OM, what you shared with him, feeding your feelings along the way. You have to PUSH thoughts of him OUT of your mind and not allow yourself to take a trip down memorylane. Focus on your husband more. Which is what I am trying to do and succeed at most of the time. It's just so hard to keep fighting those feelings all the time. My H and I have had an argument today because of these mixed up thoughts. We know it will pass but each time it happens, it hurts us both.
merlin2 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 there's no way on earth you can fight these thoughts, only time will take care of that.Just recognise that what you are feeling is a natural withdrawal to an addiction.Think about the good points, temper it with thoughts of the reality, dont fight it.it wont go away overnight, he was real, your times together were real.But the reality is, his intentions weren't real.Do you really think he's pining over you this way??? NO!!! He has a new hottie to feed his ego. That's all he is -an emotional vampire.I have to laugh at people on here who say with conviction : PUSH THE THOUGHTS AWAY! LIke its that easy. Time is all it will take, and day by day, the good times wont be so good(when you really think about how hes treated you since). You are grieving right now, because you had an emotional bond with him.It was over a long period of time, you used each other.It was NOT a real relationship, no matter what you say.It was a fantasy, you didnt live together, you didnt wash his underpants, it was all secret meetings and based on deceit. I still dont think you love your husband enough to get over this, think you just dont want to be alone.Only you can answer that, and you dont have to. I'm the complete opposite of you, but I still can empathise.
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Which is what I am trying to do and succeed at most of the time. It's just so hard to keep fighting those feelings all the time. My H and I have had an argument today because of these mixed up thoughts. We know it will pass but each time it happens, it hurts us both. Ofcourse it's hard, that's why you keep on fighting those thoughts and warding off the feelings. You cannot give in at all, not even once! It's also a learned behaviour, you thinking of OM, fantasizing etc...So, you need to UNlearn that and change your thinking patterns. Distraction, keeping busy and not ever allowing yourself to "go" there, if you know what I mean. You have a patient and supportive husband..All the more reason to push OM out of your head even more!
pelicanpreacher Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Annie, you're a junkie. No, you've probably never hit the pipe or drank yourself into a stuporous blackout but you demonstrate all the thought processes of the addicted. You have an addictive personality and this is evidenced by the fact that the moment you're denied access to your poison of choice you forget the pain and misery its caused you or the loved ones around you because you want that high so bad your mind only focuses on the good feelings you had while high. You yearn for your OM because you, like others like you, have an overwhelming need to chase the high you dream and yearn for which makes you no different than a junkie. Your OM is nothing special and nobody's prize yet you think he, and he alone, can satisfy that itch you can't quench. The fact of the matter is you have an irrational drive for thrill and danger that can only be sated by the illicit. Get thee to a 12 step program and come face to face with your demons. You need the professional support of an alcohol and drug abuse counselor if your marriage is ever to stand a chance against your "NEW DRUG" else, you may as well "turn yourself out" and join the miserable cavalcade of "streetwalkers" marching on their way to nowhere! Here's a ditty for you to help get your mind around your situation....
Author anne1707 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 there's no way on earth you can fight these thoughts, only time will take care of that.Just recognise that what you are feeling is a natural withdrawal to an addiction.Think about the good points, temper it with thoughts of the reality, dont fight it.it wont go away overnight, he was real, your times together were real.But the reality is, his intentions weren't real.Do you really think he's pining over you this way??? NO!!! He has a new hottie to feed his ego. That's all he is -an emotional vampire.I have to laugh at people on here who say with conviction : PUSH THE THOUGHTS AWAY! LIke its that easy. Time is all it will take, and day by day, the good times wont be so good(when you really think about how hes treated you since). You are grieving right now, because you had an emotional bond with him.It was over a long period of time, you used each other.It was NOT a real relationship, no matter what you say.It was a fantasy, you didnt live together, you didnt wash his underpants, it was all secret meetings and based on deceit. I still dont think you love your husband enough to get over this, think you just dont want to be alone.Only you can answer that, and you dont have to. I'm the complete opposite of you, but I still can empathise. I know what I had with the OM was not real and also how badly he has since treated me so it annoys and frustrates me that I miss him. I also know more clearly now than earlier in this process how I would not want a life with him. I do not want to leave my H for him but I can see how I miss the excitement of the affair. This worries me because of the desire for something that was not real yet so destructive. Do I love my H enough? I think I do. I know the last few weeks have been desperately hard for both of us but I remember how it was with him before all this came out in the open. I know that is not a complete reflection on the state of our marriage as I was having the A but my H and I were happy together and wanted to spend our life together. We are beginning to have some of those moments again but it does feel like a battle at times. One of us can be fine but the other is down and so it goes on. The OM is on leave for another week but in 2 weeks time my H are going on holiday. I am not looking forward to getting through another week of being around the OM as the full NC has made life so much easier in many ways but I will have to make the best of the situation and not let him bother me. As for the holiday with my H, mostly looking forward to this though I do worry for us. I hope we can make it.
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 so it annoys and frustrates me that I miss him You don't miss "him", you miss how he made you feel, yes - EVEN when he treated you like crap..All that was part of the affair setting, the intensity, the rush, the rollercoaster ride. That is what makes affairs addictive. That and how it feeds the ego. You need to focus on the fact you KNOW this guy is no good for you, you KNOW that he is not who he appeared to be - He's a cancer to you and to your marriage.
The_411 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Anne, affairs happen because they stimulate high endorphin releases of seratonin. This is true for all honeymoon stages of any relationship affair or not. The difference is that an affair relationship adds more much of an endorphin release because of the secrecy and taboo nature of the affair. Not to mention that in non affair relationships the seratonin is repalced by oxytoxcin which creates the bond between two people. That's why say after long period of time people can fall prey to affairs because they haven't had that seratonin rush of chemicals. When it happens logic is out the window and what you are left with is an addiction to chemical release. Think back to when you were dating your husband and thrill you got when you guys were seeing each other casually and the anticipation and the waiting made you crazy with desire. That's what an affair does you have limited time with your affair partner so that time spent together is so intense. What you are missing is the serotonin rush that's associated with seeing/hearing from/texting your affair partner. It's also why people lie about their affair being over and restart their affairs. It's the equivalent of a drug addiction.
pelicanpreacher Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Anne, affairs happen because they stimulate high endorphin releases of seratonin. This is true for all honeymoon stages of any relationship affair or not. The difference is that an affair relationship adds more much of an endorphin release because of the secrecy and taboo nature of the affair. Not to mention that in non affair relationships the seratonin is repalced by oxytoxcin which creates the bond between two people. That's why say after long period of time people can fall prey to affairs because they haven't had that seratonin rush of chemicals. When it happens logic is out the window and what you are left with is an addiction to chemical release. Think back to when you were dating your husband and thrill you got when you guys were seeing each other casually and the anticipation and the waiting made you crazy with desire. That's what an affair does you have limited time with your affair partner so that time spent together is so intense. What you are missing is the serotonin rush that's associated with seeing/hearing from/texting your affair partner. It's also why people lie about their affair being over and restart their affairs. It's the equivalent of a drug addiction. Lord, I didn't know all that! I was just speaking from personal experience in dealing with others who are involved with drugs! Is there some source I can research to get the information you posted? I don't want to t/j so if you would just PM me with that information I would appreciate it. Thank you,
Author anne1707 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 You don't miss "him", you miss how he made you feel, yes - EVEN when he treated you like crap..All that was part of the affair setting, the intensity, the rush, the rollercoaster ride. That is what makes affairs addictive. That and how it feeds the ego. I agree with you. He has hurt me too much for me to miss "him" but I miss the excitement and passion of the A. But that is not a real relationship. I know I need to put more into my marriage and hopefully through MC, my H and I can both see how we can do more for each other to make our marriage a success.
Owl Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Anne, have you read "The Five Love Languages", or "His Needs/Her Needs"? Or a real easy one..."20 (Surprisingly Simple!) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage".
Author anne1707 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Anne, have you read "The Five Love Languages", or "His Needs/Her Needs"? Or a real easy one..."20 (Surprisingly Simple!) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage". We have talked about His needs/Her needs and want to do that. Might just surprise us. But so far we have been trying to deal with "now" rather than the future.
Owl Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Trust me...reading these can help with the now as well as the future. I'm sure I've suggested it before...but have you read "Surviving an Affair"? That really IS tied into your "now" more than anything else.
The_411 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 pelicanpreacher, This information is currently being researched in relation people diagnosed with personality disorders. The latest research indicates that the chemical oxytoxcin is what builds trust.
Author anne1707 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 So here I am thinking my H and I have made some progress in the recovery process. It really has been so much better with NC. We have also been looking at His Needs/Her Needs (and yes some surprises but what was the biggest surprise was how our needs were virtually identical). Last night I started looking at a book (After the Affair I think it was called) and it discussed different types of affairs. I could see where mine pretty much fitted in to one of the types but then I found myself thinking what type of affair is the OM now having with this new woman? Will she leave her husband? Will that happen soon? If she moves in with the OM, how the hell do I cope with that? Does he really love her? Did he ever really love me? It's so stupid because I don't want to leave my H, my feelings for the OM have definitely changed and I would not want a life with him. But I still get these thoughts now and then and also wonder what if he changed his mind and asked to see me again. Would I say yes, or would I be strong enough to tell him to go **** himself?
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