Xman-40 Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I was 98% sure my wife is having an affair so I hacked her email and started sticking a tape recorder in her car. So far some of her emails have been way inappropriate for a married woman and her conversations on her cell phone are equally bad. Here's my question, HOW DO I CONFRONT HER WITH WHAT I KNOW because I want it (the affair, not the marriage) to end. We've been married for almost 20 years and, while we have had our shares of ups and downs, I didn't think it was this bad.
MrHurt Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Leave her account signed on the computer let her find it signed on see if she comes clean. If not call her out on it and print them
stampdaddy Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I was 98% sure my wife is having an affair so I hacked her email and started sticking a tape recorder in her car. So far some of her emails have been way inappropriate for a married woman and her conversations on her cell phone are equally bad. Here's my question, HOW DO I CONFRONT HER WITH WHAT I KNOW because I want it (the affair, not the marriage) to end. We've been married for almost 20 years and, while we have had our shares of ups and downs, I didn't think it was this bad. Well, if/when you ask her, she WILL deny it to the death.. Even if she admits a "friendship" that will be most she will make of it, EVEN IF she just came back from banging his brains out (not saying she is, but..) And be prepared for her to blame YOU for any of her misbehavior.. I might wait to get a little hard evidence (no pun intended), to where it is "matter of fact" so you dont get yanked around... Because it WILL happen
Author Xman-40 Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 Leave her account signed on the computer let her find it signed on see if she comes clean. If not call her out on it and print them she deletes all her emails and text messages right away. The other day she got one when I was standing next to her and she immediately deleted & slammed her phone shut. When I asked her about it, she said it was from a friend who had just been to obgyn for a pap smear (like that, pick a subject most men will avoid at all costs). Of course, 2 days later, the cell co posts message details online (I wish they would post the message contents, but no such luck) so I know exactly who it was from and that she was willing/able to baldface lie about it.
soda Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I agree with Stampdaddy. Be prepared for your wife to DENY, DENY, DENY. I'm not saying that you shouldn't confront her...I'm just saying don't expect that she's going to break down and confess everything no matter what evidence that you present to her. Be prepared for her to spin everything and blame you. She will even try to convince you that the marriage is bad, and it's because of you.
Author Xman-40 Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 She already has denied it, she used the "I can't prove a negative" argument. That's when I decided to do my own rule breaking.
Owl Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Don't tell her anything. Tell her that you KNOW she's behaving inappropriately, that she's communicating in a way that is WAY out of bounds for what she should be doing...you KNOW this, but if she insists on how you know and your proof, simply tell her that you're not going to tell her. Don't give her ANY detail...be as vague as possible about what you know. Odds are, she'll give you more information than you already have...she'll be even further busted. Don't give up your sources, and do expect her to deny/deny/deny...then when you don't give up...she'll attempt to minimize and mitigate. Once that fails, she goes to the final phase...its all YOUR fault.
Owl Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Hmmm....she CAN prove a negative comment. First off...print out copies of what you've already got. Then, when she tells you that she can't prove a negative...ask her to give you her passwords to her cell and to her email/IMs. Then it'll be EASY for her to prove it to you...and when she refuses, you tell her that she's proving that she's got something to hide. Make sense?
Author Xman-40 Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 Hmmm....she CAN prove a negative comment. First off...print out copies of what you've already got. Then, when she tells you that she can't prove a negative...ask her to give you her passwords to her cell and to her email/IMs. Then it'll be EASY for her to prove it to you...and when she refuses, you tell her that she's proving that she's got something to hide. Make sense? Yes, thank you Mr. Owl... ...and how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
bish Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I was 98% sure my wife is having an affair so I hacked her email and started sticking a tape recorder in her car. So far some of her emails have been way inappropriate for a married woman and her conversations on her cell phone are equally bad. Here's my question, HOW DO I CONFRONT HER WITH WHAT I KNOW because I want it (the affair, not the marriage) to end. We've been married for almost 20 years and, while we have had our shares of ups and downs, I didn't think it was this bad. You simply print out the emails, keeping copies of course, and play the tape and simply say, "WTF?????" Then she will try to squirm her way out of it. then all that will happen is she will simply cover her tracks better. so question is, you only want the affair to end? Why do you want to be with this person? You think you can trust her again and her desire to mess around with other men is going to just go away?
ThumbingMyWay Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 .and when she refuses, you tell her that she's proving that she's got something to hide. ditto, she would be forthcoming if she has nothing to hide. and if she ever gives you a "I dont remember" line....for what ever question you ask....tell her you dont need a good memory to tell the truth but you need a good memory to tell a lie.
whichwayisup Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Install a keylogger and also hire a PI. Or ask a trusted friend to follow her, then you'll have what you need to know. If this OM is married, get his wife involved - As painful as it will be for her to hear what her H has been up to, atleast telling her WILL stop the affair. 4 eyes are better than 2.
pelicanpreacher Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 The next time she returns from an unexplained or suspicious absence then quietly secure the panties she removes when she takes a shower and send them away for DNA testing. Be sure to timestamp the baggie with an independent date&time reference for documentation purposes so there can be no doubt as to the chronology of its chain of handling. When you confront her merely ask "If you aren't having an affair then satisfactorily explain why clean panties you put on the morning of XX/XX/XXXX has someone else's fresh semen detected in them when verifiably removed directly from your body prior to testing and I'll never have another doubt about you or your friendships again".
twice_shy Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 The next time she returns from an unexplained or suspicious absence then quietly secure the panties she removes when she takes a shower and send them away for DNA testing. Be sure to timestamp the baggie with an independent date&time reference for documentation purposes so there can be no doubt as to the chronology of its chain of handling. You know, as off the wall as this sounds, its actually a great idea. Only problem is, if a condom was used, there more than likely won't be any OM DNA to check for unless he went down on her.
smartgirl Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 You don't want to have to play games and resort to cat and mouse. You should tell her that you have proof of her affair, but do not go into details about how you came by the information. If you do, she will just attempt to quibble with the specifics, offer individual lame excuses and you will have death by a thousand cuts. Tell her that you are not interested in continuing to play detective and that this is her opportunity to save your marriage --- or not. You need to deliver an ultimatum that includes the following: o she shows she still has respect for you by admitting to the affair and being willing to discuss what has happened and why. If she is going to continue to insult and humiliate you with lies, then tell her you cannot remain married to a woman who shows so little regard for you. o she stops all contact with OM immediately. You need to be prepared to tell his wife or employer or tell her you will confront him directly. o she agrees to go into marriage counselling with you immediately. o she offers her passwords and allows transparency from this moment on. BUT, you have to be prepared for the "what if she won't." You have to illustrate that you mean business and you have to follow through with some kind of action if she continues to lie and won't show some comittment to the marriage. There are many people on this site that did not stand their ground in those first days after the confrontation and as a result became mired in months or years of denial, lying and misery. So don't back down or you are sunk. Even if you want to save the marriage, you still have to show some tough love here. Sometimes that means kicking out the offending spouse for awhile. It may be my imagination, but it seems that on this site that it is typical for the MW to deny the affair with more resolve that the typical MM. I know in the case of my H, he confessed to me right away while his OW never admitted the A to her H -- and he had better evidence than me! Maybe because many women assume their H's will throw them out while the man assumes his W will forgive him? I don't know, but just warning you that does seem to be the pattern. Understand also that a woman (or man) involved in an affair is not in their right mind and not thinking clearly. When confronted, the usual thinking is only about how to get out of the immediate situation and then later, how to continue with the affair. Right now, she is not really the person you have known, so her behavior may be hard to take. Good luck and keep us posted.
pelicanpreacher Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 You know, as off the wall as this sounds, its actually a great idea. Only problem is, if a condom was used, there more than likely won't be any OM DNA to check for unless he went down on her. True, but if there was a transfer of pubic hair, saliva, or epithelial cells the question still begs...(Who else has been in your panties?)
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Yes, thank you Mr. Owl... ...and how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Depends on who is doing the licking! You don't need to show her the proof. Your steadfast belief combined with the strength of the consequences your willing to leverage will WIN that argument. Then she will just do damage control. Seriously... if your not willing to divorce her... you might as well just hand her your balls right now.
Darth Vader Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Depends on who is doing the licking! You don't need to show her the proof. Your steadfast belief combined with the strength of the consequences your willing to leverage will WIN that argument. Then she will just do damage control. Seriously... if your not willing to divorce her... you might as well just hand her your balls right now. No consequences for her actions, NO motivation for change!
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