Why Would She Do This?

[Michael212]

A little while ago I posted a long story about a girl I had started seeing who lived with her long time boyfriend (7 years)

 

I went for it because the connection felt strong - she seemed very into and pursued me more than I pursued her.

 

At a certain point it started hurting too much to share her - and at the advice of a reader here - gave her an ultimatum. I am the man in your life or not in your life at all.

 

To my surprise a few days later she came back to me saying she was leaving him and going back to Canada and her parents. She said that she was doing it for herself - but that I had been the catalyst to that situation.

 

She said that she wanted to be with me - and wanted to move with me to my home country and city. She sounded very enthusiastic about it all - and was pretty adamant this was what she wanted.

 

The reason for going home to Canada was that her ex partner and her had a financial arrangment whereby he would keep paying her a certain amount each month until she was on her own feet. She wanted to go to her parents, heal and save up some money since she had none of her own having been dependent on him.

 

She said that she could make the move with me immediately since then she would be wholly dependent on ME - and again in a foreign country. Just the mistake she had made the last time. She wanted to meet me as an equal - with job opportunities and herself sorted out.

 

Before she left for Canada she gave me a bunch of cards with messages about the future - how we were stepping out into a new space together. How much she loved me. We swore that we would see each other again.

 

When she arrived in Canada she called me about 10 times the first day. Then she met with friends and started becoming more distant. She went to pack the house of a her best friend who had died. This was traumatic for her - but she said she felt obliged to do it.

 

During this week she became more withdrawn from me. I could feel her withdrawing. I became upset and basically said that we would be over until she was certain she wanted a relationship. She told me that she was emotionally exhausted and at her limit dealing with what she was dealing with.

 

Two weeks after she left she arrived at her parents house - sending me a long message about how exhausted she was. How she wanted to spend time looking after herself. How she wasn't ready yet to make definitive decision about her future.

 

By this stage I was really upset. She had withdrawn and gone from saying she wanted to come in September to saying she needed more time to sort herself out. More concrete job opportunities in my home town if she was to move there etc.

 

I called her up and said that it sounded like she wasn't ready to be in a relationship. She agreed readily - saying that she hadn't dealt with her breakup with her ex when she left. That she hadnt thought through the practicalities of moving to another country - and that she didn't want to jump from one man straight to another. That she needed time to heal herself.

 

Now all of this totally contradicts what she was saying when she was with me. She was in love with me. Wanted to marry me. Wanted to move in with me - all these things.

 

Since speaking we have had one or two brief email exchanges. I said that I understood that moving to another country could feel scary but that if at a future date she wanted a relationship and the move felt more manageable she should get in touch with me. I wanted to give her space. That I understood she had closed the door now - and that I wouldn't keep knocking on it. I would move on with my life.

 

She replied with cryptic message saying:

 

Doors may close but it is important we not throw away the key. Since sometimes we find it again right where had left it before - or once time has passed and we have fresh eyes.

 

She seemed content to let me move on.

 

 

Now I read this simply as - when she was here she was emotional, drinking, not thinking straight. Back home she sobered up, talked to her parents. Realized that if she moves she will lose her alimony. She will be moving in with someone who is relatively recent in her life. She risks landing in the same position as she did the last time.

 

That she is therfor content to let the whole thing go.

 

I feel deeply sad. I felt a potential for a relationship. I can understand that she wants and needs to work on herself. That in terms of her priorities I am probably low on the list right now.

 

Part of me hopes that in the future we might rekindle the passion we had found - since I truly believe it felt good for both of us and I felt potential there.

 

But I am just struggling to move on - to let go. To accept such a sudden and abrupt ending to a dream and love.

 

I question why she did it. Did she ever really love me. Was she just playing along. Are her excuses just ways of avoiding saying that her feelings for me are just not that strong? Is it a simple case of her needing space and time to deal with her past and figure out her future?

[whichwayisup]

Now all of this totally contradicts what she was saying when she was with me. She was in love with me. Wanted to marry me. Wanted to move in with me - all these things.

 

I'm sure she meant all those things before, but now her life is different and she didn't foresee how she'd feel once moved and in Canada.

 

All you can do is give her space and see what happens. If you push her, she more than likely will walk away from you..Though, there's still a chance that could happen reguardless.

 

I suggest you focus on you, try to heal and detach from her - Unless you two have strong feelings and glue to hold you together, chances are, you will grow apart. She's single now and needs time to heal and let go of her other relationship. I'm sure she's feeling things she didn't think she'd feel.

 

Stop calling her for a while, let her contact you.

[Michael212]

Thank you for that. Yes. It seems the most obvious answer. I am detaching - as painful as that might be.

 

The feelings felt incredibly strong between us. There were moments we looked in each other's eyes and said - you are who I want to be with for the rest of my life. I want to marry you, have children you.

 

She had put off leaving for 3 years of being unhappy because felt daunting for her and she kept compromising. I felt like her feelings for me must have been strong if they were able to encourage her to give up her partner, her home, her income etc.

 

As you say though - only time will tell. I notice myself already growing away from her and feel sad about that. If this one works it will be only because fate had a hand in it.

[Michael212]

What feels truly hard for me is that the situation makes it difficult to read what is going on.

 

If you live in the same town with someone and suddenly they start pulling back or not returning calls you can be pretty sure they are losing interest and its time to call it quits.

 

With the intensity of what she and I shared - in a little pigeon hole away from reality - the love was great. But on a practical level - its just all screwed up.

 

My gut tells me that other feelings are overwhelming her now - whether feelings of sadness for the loss of her far longer relationship or feelings of fear for the future.

 

Either way - feelings about me are just not coming up for her right now. That much is abundantly clear.

 

So I have to treat this as unrequited love and move on. I can't keep hoping that she will come out of her other stuff and suddenly want to turn things back on between us. She closed that door for a reason. She doesn't want to deal with it. As far as she is concerned I am a million miles away and cannot offer her anything. All I am is another problem if she were to have to face moving countries.

 

So - yea. Have to accept and move on.

[Michael212]

 

All you can do is give her space and see what happens. If you push her, she more than likely will walk away from you..Though, there's still a chance that could happen regardless.

 

'm sure she's feeling things she didn't think she'd feel.

 

Stop calling her for a while, let her contact you.

 

Sorry to keep harping on this - but don't you think that the simple fact that she has turned her back on communication - and that she was so readily let this go is a sign that really she's not coming back? I try to imagine myself in her shoes - and why I would behave as she has. Certainly I wouldn't if I cared at all in the slightest about continuing a relationship.

 

A little part of me wants to believe that she might come back in a week, a month, two months. But she feels so completely gone from my life. She cut off completely. It was like a tap turning shut from the moment she left. Now there is absolutely not even a drop of water flowing anymore.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, which is why you need this time to heal and focus on you. It's out of your hands... This is her life, her choice and her actions and her words do tell you (right now anyway) that she doesn't want you in her life. Sorry to say it like that as I know you're in pain and I don't want to upset you more.

 

It is possible that you were her exit affair so she could leave her bf. You gave her strength to do that, even though you ended up being real hurt in the process. With that being said, I do think she did care for you and obviously she has affection and feelings for you.

[Michael212]

This is her life, her choice and her actions and her words do tell you (right now anyway) that she doesn't want you in her life.

 

I agree with you about the exit affair. Her relationship was broken for a long time. Her self esteem was very low. She looked up to me a lot - and my belief in her seemed to lend her a sense of self worth that allowed her to move towards something better in her life.

 

Various people I consider wise have suggested that if I give her space there is a good chance she will come back at some point.

 

This is the part I find hardest to deal with. My most trusted advisor - a very experience psychologist suggested I leave a window open for her - and I did so.

 

But it is hard to keep that window open in my own mind - to imagine that she might find it in her to come back. I do think she genuinely loved me and could see me as a partner. I can see that she even likes to imagine that one day that might be so again.

 

But it hurts me a lot. Because I am not perfect. I have insecurities myself. So I struggle not to see her behavior as a reflection of something wrong with me. If I were better or different in some way she would want to be with me. I would be good enough.

 

That is my stuff to work with which is probably why I am going through this experience. Because in this case she is not with me - not because I am not good enough - but because of her own state of mind and heart. In fact she saw me as so good enough that she wanted to have with me what she wasn't ready for. Hence her promises. I think she wanted to live up to them - but doesn't have it in her right now to do so.

 

I suppose it is possible she might come back some day. But I cannot wait for her. And it hurts me deeply to come so close to someone who actually could be a good life partner - but whose state of being is not ready for such partnership.

 

I wish there were some other way through this - but there just isn't.

[81West]

I can totally explain this.

 

Canada really, really rocks.

 

On a more serious note, I am an emotional bust just now. If the most perfect man in the world for me was knocking at my door juggling flowers, chocolate, wine, CDs, TIFF passes and Ottawa Senators season's tickets I wouldn't even get out of bed. Well I might get out of bed, but only to see if there was a way to snatch the Sens tickets through a crack in the door.

 

Not being ready and needing time are completely valid reasons to feel unable to pursue a relationship. It is truly possible that she is simply running on empty and that it has nothing to do with you. It will however start having something to do with you quick if you present yourself as another pressure point in her life. It's also possible that she knows already that she will be moving on without you, and just doesn't have the courage or character to tell you outright. As such it's essential that you move ahead either way. If you don't feel ready to move ahead with other women, move ahead by being really good to yourself over the next while.

 

Bottom line is she has given you a valid explanation for her current mindset. It rings true to me, and it's actually a pretty healthy response. If you drive yourself nuts trying to figure this out without sufficient information you'll end up feeling resentment for her and changing your relationship before it even begins. You feel so many wonderful things for her right now, and those things are not easy to find. Stay available as a friend and a pressure free positive force and see if she responds to that. Reduce the contact and take your cues from her.

 

Try to think of a time you felt really overwhelmed in your life and put yourself in her shoes. It won't make you hurt any less right now, but it might make you less confused and help you to see that this may not be a reflection of her potential feelings for you at all.

[Jumbo]

Sorry to hear what you are going thru M22. You are not alone...I have a ton of questions why my MW of 7 years said and did things that would lead me to believe that we would be together...and its not just what was said its what I felt and saw in her eyes....I do not think I will ever know.

 

It is hard when they are gone...and we realize that we wasted time...now I (we) are stuck with mourning the loss of a dream.

 

Its been 5 months since i saw my mw and 4 months that I talked to her...yet I still sometimes think she is going to return...show up...tell me i am the one...how goofy is that.

 

Stay busy, and don't call her....easy to say harder to do.

[whichwayisup]

Canada does rock..You had me there up until this:

 

and Ottawa Senators season's tickets I wouldn't even get out of bed. Well I might get out of bed, but only to see if there was a way to snatch the Sens tickets through a crack in the door.

 

I am in Toronto. Enough said! :laugh:

 

Bottom line is she has given you a valid explanation for her current mindset. It rings true to me, and it's actually a pretty healthy response.

And I'll add, that maybe if enough time goes by and she's healed from her past relationship, had time to herself, who knows what could happen.

 

Give it a time frame, see what happens.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why is people still trying to rationalize a person with a irrational mindset. You was an excuse mike. She played you, when it came time to uphold her end she left you like the punk she left you for. You was just a means to an end. the mintue you accept that the better off you'll be. and never put yourself in the position to be ever used like that again.

[Michael212]

Thank you all for the kind advice and thoughts.

 

I realize that I really was not thinking - from the beginning - about her point of view. I was thinking about my own needs and where I was at. This made me less tolerant or understanding - or more apt to project my own insecurities onto her behavior.

 

Now that I am leaving the country I am realizing what a daunting prospect that feels like. And I am doing it with a lot of capital to back me up, a clear career path and a home waiting for me.

 

She was dealing with the recent death of her best friend, her breakup, leaving her home and pets, uncertainty about a future career path and the reality of being stone cold broke.

 

I am not making excuses for her - but simply reminding myself that I would probably be feeling pretty unclear myself under such circumstances. I recall thinking it odd that she was so ready to consider moving. I thought - hang on - she is just not thinking this through. Because I certainly would not be so gung ho to take such a big step without a good deal of time and careful consideration.

 

She is a very emotional, sensitive and quite vulnerable person. Its not surprising really that under the circumstances she has withdrawn.

 

To Barracuda's comment - yes that is a tempting victimization script to fall into and I have dipped into it once or twice already. But I think one has to realize that a script like that has more to do with oneself than the situation. What did she stand to gain by wanting to move with me? I wasn't offering her a credit card and an easy way out. She did what felt right to her in the moment. Now the moment is different and things feels different. New moments may come again where that changes - or they may not.

 

I left a girlfriend two years ago whom I loved very much. I did it because I had been building towards a career opportunity for years - and it finally landed on my desk and required I move countries. Bringing her and her son with me were too much for me to handle on top of my moving, and taking on a much bigger job responsibility. I would have had to have married her and she would have been wholly dependent on me. I didn't feel our relationship was deep enough yet. So I left her. She said afterwards how much that hurt and felt that I didn't love her.

I did. I just didn't know how to make it all work. It felt too big and scary a step for me.

 

In this situation - its pretty easy for me to invite the Canadian girl to stay with me. I get a cute girl who is fun, vibrant and smart as an addition to the home I already know, career path I am pursuing and stability I have in my life. For her the move would mean being a 30 hour trip away from her family, moving to a continent she has never lived on before, facing a totally new job climate and being to some extent very dependent on a man she has known for a relatively short while. Under such circumstances staying with the city she knows, her family close by and a good network of friends might feel the most compelling option right now.

 

This might change - since I truly think she would be happy and fulfilled in the place I am going to. But that is all her process.

 

I think one of the tricks of life is to not personalize painful scenarios when they happen. So not to jump to the conclusion that the other person has some bad quality - is dishonest, manipulative or cruel - but rather that circumstances unfold in a certain way and we each seek to meet our immediate needs the best way we know how.

 

We each at times can play the villain or the victim. When in reality we are never either.