tigerlily94 Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I originally posted here last year around this time about a break-up I was going through, and got some great advice. However, things that have happened lately seem to warrant a follow-up: I graduated college in spring of 2007, and the guy I dated for the last year of college left to take a job in Japan at the end of July of that year. We broke up in early July and knew at the beginning of the relationship there was a possibility he would be leaving, but pursued it anyway as we really liked each other. (We met in fall of 2005 - this relationship started out as a strong friendship.) When he left, the break-up was mutual but sad, and there were definitely some hurt feelings on my part, but I was not interested in moving to Japan, (I live on the East Coast US). We didn't talk much for a while after except for the occasional friendly email. In March, he reached out to me upon hearing my grandfather died and it sparked a whole conversation about how he missed talking to me and that I made his last 2 years of college what they were, both friendship and dating. Since then, we've worked some things out and have emailed more and stayed in a bit closer contact. He is home visiting for a couple weeks (is renewing his job contract in Japan for 1 more year, then will be returning home) and we talked on the phone the other night. I eventually got up the courage to ask him point blank if he still had feelings for me. He said "what?" twice; I asked him three times before it registered or he understood me or something, and then he said "I don't know if I want to go out with you again, but I want to see you and I want to stay friends. But I can't forget you." I felt a little baffled but the conversation was fine from there; I said I wished we could be "simple friends" and he said he thought that it would take longer for that to really happen. He also said a couple years wasn't a lot in the grand scheme of things and essentially said that he wanted to maintain the friendships/relationships he'd had with other people as he plans to return to the US for good a year from now. We wrapped things up that we would hang out, possibly with other friends in common sometime next week. To be honest, I'm not sure what I feel for him - sometimes I miss him terribly, other times I think no, maybe I've moved on... But his response to my question - as well as the fact that I had to repeat it 3 times - puzzles me a bit as it seemed confusing. I can see it from both angles, that he is over it for good and that he still has some feelings. But I wanted a more objective take on it from others as to how to take this...please, I could use some solid advice. My heart is admittedly pretty torn. :-/
cho Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 If you want him back, try not to give him access to you without assuming the emotional responsibilities. If he gets what he needs from you as a friend, he may not feel the 'longing' to move to the next stage. My ex also said he missed me, wanted to be friends, but that it didn't mean he wanted to get back together. I didn't feel comfortable with that. He shouldn't have the power to pick and choose the bits about me he wanted. So I distanced myself. I didn't contact him, and he had a hard time reaching me. Five weeks later, he was worried. He finally got me, and now he wants an exclusive relationship. It doesn't always work this way. But sometimes he truly loves you -- he just needs time and space to figure that out.
sunshinegirl Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 I'm really sorry to say this, but nothing in what you've described tells me he's interested in rekindling a romantic relationship with you. You were originally good friends, no? It sounds like he appreciates the friendship and enjoys connecting with you at that level. He probably asked you to repeat what you said a couple of times out of sheer surprise/shock that you still have (evidently) romantic feelings for HIM. Please don't read something into his words that simply isn't there - you'll only drive yourself crazy, and be wrong in the end about what he wants. If he wants you romantically, he'll make it obvious. It won't come out in stuttering "what?" a few times. It's not confusing honey, except that your own feelings are clouding your ability to hear him clearly. (((hugs)))
Trialbyfire Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 Do you want friendship, not as a means to keeping the door open, but real friendship with no vested romantic interest? Balance what you're getting v. the negative impact to your emotional state/who's benefitting the most, then make a decision whether you want this friendship. If you're wanting more, I wouldn't suggest a friendship. You also don't owe him the benefit of weaning off you or using you as emotional support.
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