dazed.1 Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Hey guys, I'm really in a difficult situation right now. I'll give you the brief on my story: Me and bf were together 2.5 years. Interracial relationship, his family/father disapproves of the relationship and threatened to disown him (which he would actually do!). Bf also works for family businesses so he is tied in financially aswell (also he moved 1000 mi away to work for them...I would be done school in 1 yr and I was to eventually follow him....trying to prove to his family that he could be there for them while he was in a relationship with me, we thought that would be enough, it wasn't). We ended up breaking up over this issue, his decision. Three weeks of NC and he starts textng me. He wanted me back, so we started talking on the phone. He begged, said things were different, he's going to take whatever his fam throws at him to be with me. We "got back together" but things for me are different. I have a sick feeling in my stomach all the time. I am so scared that he will do the same thing again...break up with me when it gets tough with his family....he promises he would never do that again, says he's realized so much while we were in NC and that he never wants to be with out me etc. He was a great boyfriend (before all this shiit happened). I could have never asked for a guy better than him....he is the love of my life. But I don't know if I can go through all this again. Even if he holds true to his word, do I really want to be responsible for the demise of his relationship with his parents?? There is so much pressure, I don't know what to do. I love him so much he means the world to me but I know that my life and my mind will be at ease if we end this....but I am so worried about hurting him, he has had some really tough decisions to make and I don't blame him for the things that happened. I don't know what to do, PLEASE give me some suggestions....tell me what you think.
mariposa89 Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I know this might sound cliche but my best advice would be to follow your heart. If you truly love him then let go of past mistakes and take another chance with him, because you dont know he may be the one. you dont want to let him go and then live your life wondering what could've happened. He family is gonna have to eventually get over it and if he's willing to fight for your relationship with you then you must fight also if he really means alot to you. Relationships are never easy but they help us grow and experience, i say you take a chance and have faith that everything will be alright in the end "In order to see the rainbow, you must live through the storm."
kizik Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Do I really want to be responsible for the demise of his relationship with his parents?? THAT is not your responsibility. His interactions with his parents are between HIM and THEM and have nothing to do with you. He broke up with you b/c of his parents before - you are right to NOT trust that he won't do that again. My ex always put her parents before me. F*ck That. If you are not #1 in a relationship - you need to get out. Listen, if this is happening now - the power struggle between him, them and you - it will continue for a LIFETIME. You can never win this battle. Mommy and Daddy are always going to win. Get out, run, run away to someone who puts you first. Who you can TRUST will not break your heart.
TrustInYourself Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Complete and total communication with him and his parents. If you feel enough love for him, you'll address the situation with them and him. If he loves you, he will support you in your efforts. The alternative is to walk away and force yourself to move on. I'd have a hard time personally doing that.
justaman99 Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Personally I would face the parents directly, together as a couple. Tell them you love their son and he loves you and that is what they should want for their son. For him to be happy and loved and for him to love someone as well. It's time to teach the parents a thing or two about how this world works. Go directly to root of the problem. They may think differently and find a greater respect for you. If not you tried and you move on with your lives together. I don't agree with Kiz at all on this one. My life is my life and my parents would never influence a true love of mine in the slightest no matter how hard they tried. I would only resent them for it. -Just
Author dazed.1 Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 I know this might sound cliche but my best advice would be to follow your heart. If you truly love him then let go of past mistakes and take another chance with him, because you dont know he may be the one. you dont want to let him go and then live your life wondering what could've happened. He family is gonna have to eventually get over it and if he's willing to fight for your relationship with you then you must fight also if he really means alot to you. Relationships are never easy but they help us grow and experience, i say you take a chance and have faith that everything will be alright in the end "In order to see the rainbow, you must live through the storm." Very nice, thanks. I really do love him, I guess the I am the one who has to trust him...that scares me, but I don't want to let him go and wonder what we could have had....
Author dazed.1 Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 THAT is not your responsibility. His interactions with his parents are between HIM and THEM and have nothing to do with you. He broke up with you b/c of his parents before - you are right to NOT trust that he won't do that again. My ex always put her parents before me. F*ck That. If you are not #1 in a relationship - you need to get out. Listen, if this is happening now - the power struggle between him, them and you - it will continue for a LIFETIME. You can never win this battle. Mommy and Daddy are always going to win. Get out, run, run away to someone who puts you first. Who you can TRUST will not break your heart. Dam....I totally see your point....that is sort of what I feel deep in the pit of my stomach.
Author dazed.1 Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 Complete and total communication with him and his parents. If you feel enough love for him, you'll address the situation with them and him. If he loves you, he will support you in your efforts. The alternative is to walk away and force yourself to move on. I'd have a hard time personally doing that. I've never met his parents.....I know, thats horrible.....
Author dazed.1 Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 Personally I would face the parents directly, together as a couple. Tell them you love their son and he loves you and that is what they should want for their son. For him to be happy and loved and for him to love someone as well. It's time to teach the parents a thing or two about how this world works. Go directly to root of the problem. They may think differently and find a greater respect for you. If not you tried and you move on with your lives together. I don't agree with Kiz at all on this one. My life is my life and my parents would never influence a true love of mine in the slightest no matter how hard they tried. I would only resent them for it. -Just The thing is I don't think he will sit me down in front of his parents (since I have never met them yet). He says he wants to wait until he has paid all his school debts off until he brings it up with them since they are supplying his pay check right now....
kizik Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 I don't agree with Kiz at all on this one. Just, don't you see that the boyfriend is "parent-whipped" on this one? Why should SHE have to try to make everything work with the parents? The guy is spineless and puts all his eggs in what the parents think. Until he grows some balls (which he won't), she should be with someone who doesn't make it so hard on her. Dazed, you did nothing wrong! You're just in a sh*t situation that YOU cannot fix. Only HE can.
Author dazed.1 Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 Just, don't you see that the boyfriend is "parent-whipped" on this one? Why should SHE have to try to make everything work with the parents? The guy is spineless and puts all his eggs in what the parents think. Until he grows some balls (which he won't), she should be with someone who doesn't make it so hard on her. Dazed, you did nothing wrong! You're just in a sh*t situation that YOU cannot fix. Only HE can. I know this, and the thing is he came back to me, I didn't even want to go there, I tried hard not to! But he promised to work this out, why doesn't he just leave me alone if he can't deal with this shiit with his parents.
zombie_romance Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I'm not exactly in the position to be giving out advice, because I don't exactly have all my ***** together at the moment, but I couldn''t help throwing this out there. Family is really important. They are the ones who usually, in most cases, will always have your back and accept you no matter what you do or have done. They kind of have to being that you are blood. He finds his family important, obviously. Well, if you guys do intend to continue this, I say you try to gain his family's acceptance. One method I've found extremely useful in getting along with some one else's family is to ask the members questions, like you are interested in learning about them and their background. This also makes you look social and not shy with very little effort. This way, everyone is happy, not much strife at all. =] and, I mean if this doesn't fit in with what you are describing...I still think its good advice for any situation dealing with other people's families. So just throwing that out there, trying to feel smart, you know.
Author dazed.1 Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 I'm not exactly in the position to be giving out advice, because I don't exactly have all my ***** together at the moment, but I couldn''t help throwing this out there. Family is really important. They are the ones who usually, in most cases, will always have your back and accept you no matter what you do or have done. They kind of have to being that you are blood. He finds his family important, obviously. Well, if you guys do intend to continue this, I say you try to gain his family's acceptance. One method I've found extremely useful in getting along with some one else's family is to ask the members questions, like you are interested in learning about them and their background. This also makes you look social and not shy with very little effort. This way, everyone is happy, not much strife at all. =] and, I mean if this doesn't fit in with what you are describing...I still think its good advice for any situation dealing with other people's families. So just throwing that out there, trying to feel smart, you know. Don't worry, none of us have our **** together! lol The outside looking in is a much clearer picture. But to what you say, I just wanted to clear some things up. 1) I said his family, but I actually more specifically meant his father. I have met his siblings and cousins and we get along great, they have actually told us they give us their support 100%. 2) I have already been learning the culture/religion throughout the relationship. This was something we always expected, so we wanted to be able to say that I am not looking to take him away from his family/culture, only to join in it as a member of the family. Most of his family members appreciate that, but his dad is a hard case. Anyway, thanks a lot for your advice, it is great. We are slowly making progress with his mom, she is accepting but doesn't want to cross her husband. I think it will take time and perseverance on our part but we have faith that eventually things will come together in our favor.
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