n9688m Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 I know I'm being petty and stupid.... Correct. You will simply cause yourself to incur large legal bills and lose any future goodwill if there is something you want from your STBXW in the divorce process.
Woggle Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 You guys have no kids so get this divorce over as soon as possible and forget she even existed. If I were you I would have everything there for her to sign and be ready to get the divorce official as soon as you can. Get a lawyer so you don't get screwed in court but get her out of your life quick.
imagine Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Can you elaborate on the upbuilding program??? Number one - Avoid being judgmental, just listen, rather vent your anger here. Number two - complement in passing, do not expect any return of favour. Thank her for the time she had with you, regardless. Thank her for her influence on you. Think about it. Number three - be attractive to her by not becoming needy. Get a social life. Go to gym -fake it till you make it. Number four -Show as you are that you are serious about restoration of the marriage. Number five - Read up maybe Surviving infidelity -Harley, His needs/ Her needs. Go check Divorce busters as recommended also Marriage Builders websites. Number six - These numbers are just off the top of my head and no particular order! I am generally pro-marriage. All the best to you!
sharebear823 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 ...I'd do the opposite of what you are doing. YOU be the one to file the papers first, and act like you couldn't care less about it. Then start to move on with your life in other ways, too. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, so don't waste your life on the one that got away. Also, even if you don't want to move on with your life, "reverse psychology" suggests that if you pay less attention to her, she might start to miss you a bit more.
Angel1111 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 I called her today and sounded very solom and told her that I needed to speak to her face to face. She really freaked and called me back really worried and concerned. I mean really worried and concerned. I realize that she really cares for me still. We are going to go out tomorrow morning. Im going to try to take her bowling if I can get her there on the sly. Bowling fixes everything. "I'm going insane for my own wife.......now that's romantic" I'm glad you're going out with her tomorrow. I gotta tell you, though, I'm having a lot of trouble believing that she walked out for no reason at all. If you're really that much in the dark, why not have a talk with her tomorrow and ask what drove her away, and ask it in a very non-confrontational manner. Something like, "I'm heartbroken honey and you really took me by surprise. What happened? What made you go?" And, here's the deal - if you want to keep the lines of communication open - no matter what she says, it's not up for argument, and don't defend yourself. Just listen and stay quiet. When she's done, just say something like, "Wow, I had no idea. I'm going to have to give that some thought." or whatever seems appropriate. You'll probably be amazed at what she tells you. If she feels it's safe to talk honestly with you, then you can rebuild this bridge. So what you're saying is that you had no clue, there have been no discussions about problems in your marriage....nothing. Again, that's just really hard to believe. I'd be very curious to know what she has to say.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 I'm glad you're going out with her tomorrow. I gotta tell you, though, I'm having a lot of trouble believing that she walked out for no reason at all. If you're really that much in the dark, why not have a talk with her tomorrow and ask what drove her away, and ask it in a very non-confrontational manner. Something like, "I'm heartbroken honey and you really took me by surprise. What happened? What made you go?" And, here's the deal - if you want to keep the lines of communication open - no matter what she says, it's not up for argument, and don't defend yourself. Just listen and stay quiet. When she's done, just say something like, "Wow, I had no idea. I'm going to have to give that some thought." or whatever seems appropriate. You'll probably be amazed at what she tells you. If she feels it's safe to talk honestly with you, then you can rebuild this bridge. So what you're saying is that you had no clue, there have been no discussions about problems in your marriage....nothing. Again, that's just really hard to believe. I'd be very curious to know what she has to say. Not every man in this world are abusers and cheaters women can be complete a-holes and narcissists too. Why the hell is it always the man's fault!? God you are unbelievable!
Author Simon Leon Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 Ok... She came over at around 11am to our home. Had coffee for about and hour...then we made sandwiches for lunch...then we went bowling for the afternoon....finished at about 4pm. We had a good talk....(I mostly did the talking over coffee) and I told her that I am still totally in love with her and that I miss her very much. She was apologetic for the hurt I'm going through...but is not intending on changing her mind with the seperation. She is planning on lending some money from her parents to finance getting an apartment for the next 6mths. We are communicating and getting on really well and had a fun afternoon together. We are both looking real good since we are working out a lot. It's such a shame that we can't get this sorted out. I told her that I didn't really understand her reasons that she had previously told me for leaving the marrage. She didn't really have much to say about that. She had previously told me the following. 1- I didn't do enough around the house. (true) 2- I don't have enough friends and she feels responsible for being my closest friend. (I feel this a poor reason) 3- We have different values. (we have exactly the same values) 4- I didn't show her enough affection during the last 12mths of our marrage. (true) I don't think any of this couldn't be worked out by good communication and counciling. She just seems to want out. We have never had more then 8 days on NC since she left 8 wks ago. I told her that I'm hurt by the fact that she never initiates any contact wiht me....it's always me contacting her. She said that she would start contacting me...starting with calling me in the next couple of days. She said that is is getting a lot more busy with work (this is true) and that we could block out every Wednesday evening to catch up. I don't know if this is wise. Will this just drag out my broken heart even more. Can I ever get over someone I am still madly in love with????????? Sometimes love sucks. Whats hard is that we still get on really well and have fun together. We have been married over 10 yrs and this is f**king hard for me to deal with as I love her very very much.
Kristine Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 You do know that doing this is going to prolong the divorce proceedings for yourself too. It will be harder to move on relationship wise. But your post made me laugh because you obviously love her and want to hang on but really are you going for a lifetime movie of the week?
Author Simon Leon Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 I'm sorry...I don't really understand your comment. Can you please elaborate.
Angel1111 Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 Not every man in this world are abusers and cheaters women can be complete a-holes and narcissists too. Why the hell is it always the man's fault!? God you are unbelievable! Ok, put your dagger down, Chrome, and take a deep breath so that you're not blue anymore. Uhh....my question had nothing to do with abusers or cheaters, and I never said (or implied) that it was anyone's fault. The question I asked was a question that I would ask of anyone - man or woman - who told me that their spouse just left out of the blue, with no warning whatsoever. I'm sure that does happen but I would think it's extremely rare. Usually, there is some kind of conversation about the problems that are going on....something. If she really and truly left him without any warning or chance to make things right, then I wouldn't take her back for anything in the world. But I don't know all the details so I don't know exactly what's going on here.
Author Simon Leon Posted July 20, 2008 Author Posted July 20, 2008 We had no discussion on fixing any problems. There were no discussions ever on seperation. She told me she wasn't happy, wanted a seperation and hoped in her car and drove away 5 minutes later. The entire conversation lasted less the 2 minutes. I was floored. This dosn't make any sense to me....and I told her that today. I just don't understand how we got to this point. We still get on great....like nothing ever happened....but when our visits end...she goes back to her friends house where she is staying...and we are once again seperated. 2 mths ago I was happily married....now I'm.....well you know.
Angel1111 Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 When did she tell you the other stuff about doing things around the house, not paying attention to her, etc? After she left? I think it would be really good for you to meet with her once a week. It's the perfect way for both of you to talk and figure out what's going on. As far as how well the two of you are getting along, I wonder if that might be one of the problems. Not that you should argue but she is at the end of her rope but doesn't express this to you, you're on the internet talking about how devestated you are and how you're going to get back at her. This unspoken anger is like a poisonous thread that runs through the marriage. And it makes me nuts how she won't explain to you why she did things the way she did them. There just seems to be a lot of unspoken stuff going on here and it's killing you both. As a sidenote, I'm just curious about something - but please don't take it to mean I'm blaming you for anything because I'm not. As a female, I'm curious as to how you can be so in love with her but didn't pay much attention to her for a whole year. I think most women would conclude that their husband didn't give a fig about them under those circumstances, so I was really surprised to see that it happened when it's obvious that you love your wife. I think this would be a good thing for all women to know.
Author Simon Leon Posted July 20, 2008 Author Posted July 20, 2008 Well..... The attention thing is difficult to explain. Lets just say that I lost my sex drive for a while, but everything else was great. Maybe I should have gone and seen my doctor about that. It could have been a low testostorine count or anything (I don't know.....it's kinda embarassing to talk to someone about that kind of thing. It wasn't a viraga thing....I just didn't feel like sex.) In hindsight....I think she thought I didn't find her attractive anymore. I didn't tell her she was beautiful like I used to when we first met 11 yrs ago. But I never ever ever reduced my love for her....and I'm sure she knows that. She knows how much I love her.....and how much I'm hurting over this situation. It could be that she no longer finds me attractive.....but I'm handsom and have a great bod.....so that dosnt' make sense to me. I'm funny, love to cook, have a green thumb (you should see our garden/landscaping), love to travel and camp. I don't know what else she wants from life that we don't already have.
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 She is throwing in the towel too soon but obviously her resentments go deep and she has detached enough to want to leave and separate. I think she is making a mistake by not trying to fix this, to give you a chance to make it better.. For you two to bond again and together make it work. All I can say is, work on you. Focus on you right now and hopefully she'll come around and spend more time with you again.
Author Simon Leon Posted July 20, 2008 Author Posted July 20, 2008 Thanks Whichwayisup. Thats what I'm going to try to do. Easier said then done....but I have no other choice. I am the best catch out of any of the guys I know.....even her friends say that they would go for me (they are being honest as friends...they never would go for me, and I would not have them since they are our friends). I honestly don't know where she can find someone better then me (this is not a time for modesty)...but that dosn't help my current situation. We have had such a fun life together....it will be difficult for her to reflect on anything from the past 11 yrs without being reminded of how much I was a possitive influence in it.
sharebear823 Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 Hi. I just wanted to say that my husband and I are separated and probably getting a divorce, and he refused to sleep with me for the last several years that we were together. I initiated, but he literally reigned himself in. There was no explanation for this that I could figure out, and he refused to discuss it. He just seemed to have lost interest in me. I was absolutely devastated by this and saw it as a "control issue" and selfishness on his part (especially not talking about it with me.) I am a very attractive woman, and none of my friends, either male or female, could believe that he was even capable of resisting me for all that time. He swore he was not having an affair, and I believe it, but all my friends thought it had to be that. I never would have left my marriage because we are Catholic and I believed all that stuff back then, but in the he end he was the one to leave me. If I hadn't been Catholic and had the kids with him, I would not have stayed no way, no how. So, even though I don't have any idea of your situation, I would not be at all surprised if that aspect is a big part of why she left, and she may be involved with someone else but just doesn't want to tell you. I sincerely hope you can figure this out, and wish you all the best. I know just how painful it is to be left, with no explanations, as it also happened to me, but I'm five years farther down the path than you are.
imagine Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 This appears to be a text book situation. Your wife has moved from an intimate relationship to one of withdrawal. This has occurred because her "love bank" has been depleted. Currency for boosting this bank varies from person to person but she has told you in your meeting with her that works of service and positive communication is a biggie. You need to read the books Five languages of love and His needs/ Her needs to understand what is going on and how to improve your situation. I believe you NEED to try and fix this. No matter where you go, YOU will still be part of a relationship equation. Empty "love tanks" do make it harder! You have to take responsibility for your part in the demise of the relationship. New habits have to be cultivated. Please remember, YOU can't change, but behaviour CAN. Your wife will most definitely be resistant to want to try again, simply because she has been stung. Therefore you have to show her by many actions that you mean business. Later, she can be encouraged to commit to the feedback process. Ultimately both of you must invest effort into this marriage to make it work. A word of encouragement from scripture: "All hard work brings a profit." Pr14:23.
Author Simon Leon Posted July 20, 2008 Author Posted July 20, 2008 I'll try to find those books at the bookshop and have a quick read. Some of the books I read so far have not been appropriate for my situation and have offered little insight or guidence. Most of the information out there is for improving an existing marrage where the couple is still functioning as a couple. There seems very little on how to try to repair a marrage once they have seperated. On a different note....my self esteme is coming back to the level where I can look in the mirror at myself and honestly say "it's her loss". That is a big improvement over last month. On another different note...she is losing so much weight, I'm getting worried. She could easily start getting sick if she dosn't put on a few pounds. I've never seen her this thin in over 11 yrs. Its approaching bad thin....not good thin.
Author Simon Leon Posted July 20, 2008 Author Posted July 20, 2008 I've realized how stupid it was for me to try to hide our files/documentation. I am going to bring it all back on Monday. It's unbelievable the stupid things you say and do when you are on this emotional rollercoaster.
Woggle Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 Why do you even want to be with a walkway? Just let her go and move on with your life. There is more to life than this woman and even if you get her to call off the divorce now it will come up later because once a woman is in the walkaway mindset she usually stays there even if it lays dormant for a while.
Navin_R_Johnson Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 Simon Leon, Do you have an email address you could post here? I can send you a book that may help.
Navin_R_Johnson Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 ...even if you get her to call off the divorce now it will come up later because once a woman is in the walkaway mindset she usually stays there even if it lays dormant for a while. Sadly, I have found this to be so true.
Author Simon Leon Posted July 20, 2008 Author Posted July 20, 2008 You can send the book to pigletwigletrockin@yahoo.com Why do I want to take my "walk away" back?? Well.....in a couple of months, I might have a different mindset on this, but at the moment, I really miss having her around all the time. She's a really great woman and we have always had a lot of fun together. Most of the things I really love about her sound pretty corney....so I don't really want to be posting them. Don't ask me hard questions.
Woggle Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 You are still in shock but in the end you will relize you are better off without her.
Author Simon Leon Posted July 20, 2008 Author Posted July 20, 2008 Maybe.....but I dont know why I would be better off without her. She is a great chick. I think it must have been my fault she fell out of love with me....not hers.
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