tiger99 Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I am a 58 year old separated guy. Earlier this year, I met a very nice lady, 56, who is also separated. We met through one of the internet "dating" sites and a very close friendship and relationship developed. We really "clicked" and were very positive about our feelings for each other. The wonderful thing was that these feelings were shared pretty well equally! I am fully set up and living independently in my new life after separation following more than 30 years of marriage. My breakup was on fairly good terms as the marriage had simply run out of steam. The marriage of my friend ended suddenly early last year after her husband left her for another woman. Sadly for him, the other woman didn't want to see him! Following that, they separated but neither moved out of the family home. The husband spent most of his time away on business and when he was in town stayed mostly with his elderly mother. He retained an office at the family home and worked there during the way when the wife was at work. There is a bed in the office where he sometimes sleeps when not away on business. The husband has continued to meet the costs of running the family home. The wife attends to the food shopping but otherwise has total discretion over her income. So, when I came into the picture I was meeting someone who was still very much in the earlier lifestyle and had not really moved on. To further complicate matters, the husband had traditionally looked after the family finances and there was a reasonable amount of "liquid" assets (e.g. shares, bonds, etc). The wife had no knowledge of the details of these assets --- she "trusted" her husband. Now, since he has become aware she has a boyfriend (me!), my girlfriend is concerned that he may be siphoning off many of the liquid assets to reduce her entitlement in a settlement. To further complicate matters, most of the couples' friends are friends with both partners with lots of divided loyalties. The friendship network remains close. My girlfriend was feeling so much pressure --- positive and happy with the lovely relationship we had established --- but worried about the husband's continuing presence in her life and her concerns about the finances. As a result, we have decided to take a total time out while she can sort out her "old" life and make a real effort to establish a "new" one. We still care for each other. I hope we can pick up again but I have realized it is never going to work with one party in a "new" life and the other not having "moved on". The decision to take the time out was very emotional. We knew there was no other way. I am missing my girlfriend very much. We agreed there would be no contact in the timeout period to enable her to focus on her new life. I would be interested to hear some thoughts/comments/observations. tiger99
Tripper Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 T99, having gone through something similar I can tell you from my own experience that it's wise to clean up one relationship before starting another. This is somewhat messy as there are both, legal and emotional issues involved. The first thing your gf needs to do is to hire a lawyer, get a full accounting of the financial picture, finalize the separation agreement and begin negotiating a property settlement. She needs to protect her entitlement and this should be done whether you are in the picture or not. This part is pretty straightforward. The complex part comes from the "messy" lifestyle situation with recent separation and her H still living part time under the same roof. While he is entitled to live there as co-owner of the marital home, the emotional impact on your gf is not healthy. The best idea would be either sell the property or have one or the other buy the property outright. All this takes time and money to do, as you well know. The reality of it is that she is married to this man and has been for a long time, so there is still an emotional attachment in some way. Until she moves forward and files for divorce (generally after property settlement and legal separation) she will emotionally struggle with the fact that she is dismantling one life and needing to figure out how to reinvent herself into a new life. I hope that makes sense. You've gone through it so you should have some insight. Unless you want to be part of the messy ups and downs of the process, taking a time out is a good idea. You can still be there for emotional support if she needs it BUT in the final analysis SHE is the one who needs to make the break and move forward. All you can do is wait. You haven't stated what her attitude is towards her H. Maybe even she doesn't know as yet, but I can tell you until she can get rid of any anger and simply have neutral feelings toward him, you won't be able to build any type of solid relationship. Good luck with this and if you think she's worth it, hang in there.
Walk Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 You two were right in allowing her to find her own path without a romantic relationship in the picture at this time. But I wouldn't say you two couldn't continue a friendship... unless you feel it would be too painful on yourself. I think it takes a long time to establish a 'new life' after being with someone for so many years. Especially if you weren't the one who wanted the seperation. Did either of you put a time frame on the NC? How do you define "new life" and when do you know it's okay to re-establish contact? How long are you willing to set yourself on the sidelines for this woman? A few months? A year?
Author tiger99 Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 We decided on a total timeout because my girlfriend felt that her husband, knowing how happy she was in my presence, would find new ways to obstruct the settlement process. He has told her, firmly, that he wants the current situation to stay the way it is! My girlfriend was with the same guy since her late teens until they separated early last year. They've elected to follow a mediation process to settle up rather than engage in a costly and protracted legal "battle". It doesn't look too wonderful for my continued involvement does it? We had formed a strong emotional involvement and if not quite having fallen in love were very close to it. Tiger99
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