Confused40plus Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I have been married 2nd time round for 10 years. We have a busy life, both playing sports with long and conflicting work patterns. We can go for several days seeing little of each other but often go out together and share a lot of the same friends. So it all looks ok. But although I love my wife it all seems one way. She never says she loves me, often ignores me (keeps her eyes in a book or on the TV) when I go to bed or come home from work. Sex is 6-8 times a year and is not important to her and she makes a big deal when I get upset that she says no again. I get accused of counting and being asked why is it so important? I have a vasectomy so it was with some surprise that I found condoms in her handbag. We spoke about this and she admitted that it looks bad but said they had been there a long time, could not remember how they got there and she probably got them for her daughter. Oh and she isn't having an affair. We agreed to work at it more. A few weeks later and nothing has changed. To be honest her time is so busy that she would not have time for an affair but with shift work you can always make time ??? If we were "dating" rather than married i'll call it a day but with commitments and children it is complicated. Any thoughts or is it just me?
piggsy Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 How long has it been since you got your vasectomy and how old are those condoms? Go find the condoms again and look at the expiration date.
soda Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 The condoms would have perked up my radar. What did you agree to workk at more? It isn't clear...did you agree to work at your marriage...your sex life? Your sex life (6 to 8 times per year) is a huge red flag. Can you talk to her? How did she react when you showed her the condoms? Did she respond calmly or did she get into a rapid denial? I can usually tell when my wife is lying by the way she responds to things.
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Hey! How would SHE react if she found you with condoms that you never needed??! Time to crack out the sleuth kit and expose that cheater!!!
angie2443 Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 She doesn't sound trustworthy at all. Keep your eyes open and take care of yourself.
Author Confused40plus Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 I'll take a look at the dates. My vasectomy was about 10 years ago
Author Confused40plus Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 To be honest I was so mad I woke her up. She was angry to be woken and angrey I looked. I went out to my sons football training and came back and we spoke. She denied having an affair (not ever having an affair) and said if she was she would't leave them there (which is reasonable) However she was vague and this is always a sign of lying. We agreed to talk more, support each other more and be more attentive. Not much has changed and sex is still an issue. Frankly she does not want to do it and prefers to do anything else. The condoms would have perked up my radar. What did you agree to workk at more? It isn't clear...did you agree to work at your marriage...your sex life? Your sex life (6 to 8 times per year) is a huge red flag. Can you talk to her? How did she react when you showed her the condoms? Did she respond calmly or did she get into a rapid denial? I can usually tell when my wife is lying by the way she responds to things.
carhill Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Contact a MC if you want the M to work. You're gonna need help. I know "ignoral" well
bish Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I have been married 2nd time round for 10 years. We have a busy life, both playing sports with long and conflicting work patterns. We can go for several days seeing little of each other but often go out together and share a lot of the same friends. So it all looks ok. But although I love my wife it all seems one way. She never says she loves me, often ignores me (keeps her eyes in a book or on the TV) when I go to bed or come home from work. Sex is 6-8 times a year and is not important to her and she makes a big deal when I get upset that she says no again. I get accused of counting and being asked why is it so important? I have a vasectomy so it was with some surprise that I found condoms in her handbag. Well the last part was just icing on the cake. I'd say she is cheating. Why would she have condoms if you had a vasectomy? We spoke about this and she admitted that it looks bad but said they had been there a long time, could not remember how they got there and she probably got them for her daughter. Oh and she isn't having an affair. We agreed to work at it more. She is full of s##t man. She is feeding you a line of bull. don't you believe it. A few weeks later and nothing has changed. To be honest her time is so busy that she would not have time for an affair but with shift work you can always make time ??? don't get sucked into that line of thinking either. Cheaters will MAKE time. If we were "dating" rather than married i'll call it a day but with commitments and children it is complicated. Any thoughts or is it just me? Is she on the computer? does she have texting. Maybe you need to do some snooping? (ya I know...but bish, that is a horrible invasion of privacy).......tough toenails.
whichwayisup Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 She is up to no good. The condoms, well, maybe she hasn't used any (yet) or is close to using them. Either way, you two need to sort this out, get to marriage counselling and reconnect again, fix whatever problems are going on in the marriage, what needs aren't being met.
ThumbingMyWay Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 She denied having an affair (not ever having an affair) and said if she was she would't leave them there (which is reasonable) However she was vague and this is always a sign of lying. that is a form of Gas Lighting... Gaslighting: It involves an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to the subject, having the gradual effect of making the victim anxious, confused, and less able to trust his or her own memory and perception. I would keep my radar up if I was you. Trust your gut instincts.
quankanne Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 the condoms are suspect, esp. since she makes no effort to communicate with you AND the fact that you've had your Vas-D tied ... something is fishy here. because while I completely understand how a spouse can get so tied up in a project (my case, my nose is in a book more often than not, and DH knows better than to try to initiate a conversation if I grunt at him, lol), you don't completely ignore someone unless you just don't want to be around that person ...
nleeh Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 If you had a vascectomy about 10 years ago and are married 10 years, I find it beyond belief that your wife has not cleaned out her purse in all those years and just as hard to believe that she is using the same purse! Check that out and... Let he purse do the talking.... nleeh
Author Confused40plus Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 How long has it been since you got your vasectomy and how old are those condoms? Go find the condoms again and look at the expiration date. They expire 12 2011 - not that old ey?
piggsy Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 EXP 12 2011 seems pretty fresh to me, like they were bought very recently. I guess they could be for her daughter....but why? Is her daughter too young to get her own condoms, or something?
cyabye Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 STOP drinking the wife's koolaid. Time to man up and handle your business. I can almost gaurantee she is cheating on you. Sex 8 times a year? Red flag. Strike 1. I love yous are one sided? Ignores you? Red flag. Strike 2. Found condoms which are new and you have vis-d? Red flag. Strike 3. Several days with seeing little of each other? Red flag. Strike 4. Very vague explanation of found condoms and gets mad at you for waking her up and being angry? Red flag. Strike 5. Buying condoms for daughter? LOL, it's usually the "pill". Red flag. Strike 6. She did not expect you to go through her bag. She must of recently bought them and figured you wouldn't snoop or was waiting to find another place for them later. She is probably seeing someone at work or one of your mutual "friends'. There is NO commitment on her part any longer. How many red flags and strikes are you going to ignore? Consult a lawyer. cyabye
imagine Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 We need abut fifteen hours contact time with our spouses per week. These contacts should be positive encounters. This is according to Doctor Harley of Marriage Builders fame. If this is not the case, then this can be construed as neglect of the marriage relationship. Neglect, is the Number ONE case for breakdown in a marriage. Biblically, husbands should concern themselves with the serious matter of keeping the "love alive" whereas woman are responsible only to respect their husbands. Should we men have failed to do our jobs, we must apologize and take positive steps to remedy the situation. Incidentally, are you OK with the idea of some guys banging your daughter. Statistically, the more sexual partners that a woman enjoys, equals the less bonded that woman to a life partner. Apparently your wife has just condoned this condition with your daughter.
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